DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters or the plot. I just wrote the parody. The Adventure Time characters belong to Pendleton Ward, and the story of The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R Tolkien.
Long ago, in a forgotten time, in a place called the Shire, in a hole in the ground, there lived a peppermint. Not a nasty, wet sort of hole in the ground with oozy smells. And certainly not a dry, sandy hole with worms and other disgusting vermin, no. This was a candy hole. And that means good food, a warm hearth, and all the comforts of home. The little peppermint, who was often called Peppermint Butler, liked nothing better than to sit back, smoke his pipe, and admire his garden.
Everyone in the shire held some respect for Peppermint Butler. He might have been the most peaceful person in the entire shire. He never had much sense for adventures. The little peppermint wore a white long sleeved collared shirt with a red vest. He also wore brown pants that stopped in the middle of his shins, and he wore no shoes.
Then one day, when he was relaxing on a small bench in front of his house, smoking his pipe, he was visited by a strange old man. This unknown fellow wore gray robes and a gray cape, and a satchel on his side. He had a long white beard with a long blue nose, as well as long white hair that flowed all the way down his back. In his hand he carried a staff crafted from a twisted tree branch. Around his neck he wore a faded silver scarf, and on his head he wore a pointy, wide brimmed hat. Attached to his belt was a golden crown with red jewels encrusted in it.
He walked up to Peppermint Butler, blocking the sunlight. The little candy person looked up at this newcomer, and said "Good morning."
He looked back at him and asked "What do you mean by 'good'? Do you mean that this morning has good nature? Or perhaps you simply mean that this is a morning to be good on? Or are you implying that this morning will be good whether I want it or not?"
Peppermint Butler simply kept smiling and said "All of them at once, I suppose. Who are you stranger?"
The traveler replied "My name you may know, for it is a famous name. I am the Ice Wizard, Simon. And Simon means me!"
Peppermint Butler's eyes widened, and he said "Simon? Not the wondering wizard? I used to watch and admire your great firework displays!"
Simon was known well in the shire for his marvelous displays of fireworks. Everyone admired him wherever he went, and knew him wherever he would go.
He said "I'm looking to hire a burglar for an adventure."
Peppermint Butler looked at him confused. He said "Adventure? No, I don't imagine anyone west of Bree would be interested in any adventures."
"That's too bad." Simon turned around and started to leave.
Peppermint Butler said "Well don't leave. Have dinner with me, tonight at six o' clock. I'll cook extra!"
Simon nodded and replied "I'll be there."
When Peppermint Butler went back inside his candy hole to prepare for his guest, Simon used his staff to scratch a mark into the door. Little did the candy person know that he would be having a lot more guests than just Simon that night?
At exactly six, Peppermint Butler heard a knock at the door. He straightened his vest and fixed his shirt. A host must look his best. He opened the door and said "Good evening," He stopped. Instead of meeting Simon at the door, there stood the candy citizen Starchy. He held a war hammer in his fist, and wore iron armor with a shield on his back. His mustache was long and bushy.
He entered the peppermint's home as if it was his own. "Starchy, at your service." He said handing Peppermint Butler his hammer. "Where is the food?" he asked, "Simon said there would be food, and lots of it."
"Oh yes, of course." said Peppermint Butler, directing Starchy to the dining room.
Starchy sat down and started eating the entire meal that Peppermint Butler had laid out. A moment later, he heard another knock. When he answered the door, he saw another candy citizen, Pineapple Guy, dressed like Starchy, only he carried a mid-sized battle axe.
"Pineapple Guy, at your service." he said. Then he sat down with Starchy and started eating.
Peppermint Butler was very confused. Before he could question the two candy people, he heard yet another knock. This time there were two candy citizens, two marshmallow twins, dressed the same as the others, one carrying a short sword, the other carrying a bow.
"The Marshmallow Twins, at your service." They said, and sat down with the others. By this time, everything in Peppermint Butler's pantry had been eaten.
The candy people kept coming one by one, until there were a total of eight. Then there was one final knock. When Peppermint Butler opened it, four more candy people fell inside, all piled on top of each other. And behind them was Simon, laughing at the matter.
Peppermint Butler scowled at Simon and said "What is the meaning of this?"
Simon just continued smiling and replied "These candy people are the adventure that I spoke of this morning."
Peppermint Butler was flabbergasted. He asked "Is this a joke?"
Simon said "It's an unexpected party! It looks like everyone's here; all but one. He should be here soon."
They went into the dining room where Simon started talking to the candy people, and he too joined the feast. When all of a sudden, there was another knock at the door.
Everyone got quiet, and Pineapple Guy said "He's here!"
Peppermint Butler walked over to the door. When he opened it, another candy person entered his home. This person however was not as nice as the others, and he had a very serious look on his face. He was dressed the same as the others, and he was armed with a large axe.
He stepped inside and grumbled "Colonel Candy Corn at your service."
The feast continued when Colonel Candy Corn sat down next to Simon. The candy people ate like total pigs. The dinner table was a mess, cups and plates were being tossed around. As the candy people drank, ale ran down their faces, and Simon just sat their chatting with Colonel Candy Corn. And poor Peppermint Butler watched in disgust as the candy people made a mess of his dining room.
He yelled "Watch the silverware! That's my mother's fine china!" The candy people mocked him by singing a song:
Chip the glasses and crack the plates,
That's what Peppermint Butler hates!
Tip the cups and spoil the corks,
Break the mugs and bend the forks,
That's what Peppermint Butler hates!
Chip the glasses and crack the plates,
That's what Peppermint Butler hates!
That's what Peppermint Butler hates,
So carefully, carefully with the plates.
When the song was done, the candy people helped Peppermint Butler clean up, and they all gathered around the fire so that they could further discuss the adventure ahead of them.
Colonel Candy Corn asked "So then, we all know the task at hand."
Peppermint Butler spoke up "No, I don't actually."
Colonel Candy Corn turned and said "Well then, let's explain to Mr. Peppermint Butler."
Simon reached into his sleeve, and pulled out a contract written on a scroll. "As I said this morning, we wish to hire you as a burglar." said Simon handing him the contract.
Peppermint Butler opened the scroll and read "To Burglar Butler, 1/14 of total profit, funeral expenses if necessary," He paused when he saw these words. "Funeral expenses?" he gulped, "What exactly is this quest you speak of?"
Colonel Candy Corn began to explain, "Ah, yes. Many years ago, under the lonely mountain, ruled by my grandfather, the small village of Laketown was attacked by an evil dragon. The entire village was destroyed by the ruthless fury of the beast, and he retreated to the candy city inside the lonely mountain. Because of this, we have lost our homes and have no place to call our own."
"The dragon needs to be flushed from the mountain so that the ancient candy city can thrive once again." added Simon.
"Is that the quest that you mentioned earlier?" asked Peppermint Butler.
"We need someone small like you as a burglar. You'd sure come in handy." replied Simon.
Peppermint Butler realized that he might not come back from this quest alive.
"I'm sorry," he said, "but I can't go with you. We peppermints don't fancy quests. Besides, adventures make one late for dinner. You are welcome to spend the night here, but when you leave tomorrow, count me out."
"Suit yourself," said Simon shaking his head, "but if I were you, I'd think twice before I turned down an opportunity like this." Peppermint Butler just sat there and smoked his pipe.
When it came time for everyone to get some rest, the candy people rolled out their sleeping bags, and settled down for the night. The floor was so crowded, that there was barely any room to walk, so Peppermint Butler had to sleep on the windowsill with a pillow and a blanket. Simon sat in the living room smoking his pipe by the fire. It took Peppermint Butler a long time to fall asleep that night. One way or the other, Peppermint Butler would sure find a surprise the next morning.
The next morning, when Peppermint Butler woke up, the sun was shining in through the small round windows. He turned around. He couldn't believe his eyes. The candy people were gone. He got up and ran into the living room. Simon was gone too. Simon and the candy people had left very early that morning to get a head start on their adventure. Peppermint Butler checked every room to make sure that he was completely alone. Then when he went into the kitchen, he found the contract sitting on the table. Simon had left it there, incase Peppermint Butler were to change his mind. He stared at the contract for a long time, as if the call of adventure was making him have a change of heart. At last, he couldn't resist it. He grabbed a feather pen from his writing desk, and signed the contract. He grabbed the contract, got a red jacket from the coat rack, grabbed his walking stick, and ran out the door, hoping he had enough time to catch up to them.
Peppermint Butler ran as fast as he could. He ran toward the mushroom woods that lead outside the shire.
On his way there, his neighbor, Cinnamon Bun, yelled "Peppermint Butler, where are you off to?"
Peppermint Butler just kept running and replied "I'm going on an adventure!"
He didn't stop running until he had caught up with them.
When they were within sight, and sound, he yelled "Wait! Stop! Slow down! I signed the contract!"
The candy people and Simon turned around and saw Peppermint Butler panting and out of breath.
"Look who decided to join us!" said Starchy smiling.
"He needs a pony to ride." said Simon, looking around for the spare pony they had.
"No, no, it's quite alright," said Peppermint Butler still out of breath, "I can just walk along the side."
"No, no," said Pineapple Guy, "You need a pony."
Pineapple Guy brought forth a pony for Peppermint Butler. He climbed onto the saddle, and rode alongside Simon. The candy people started trading each other different amounts of money.
Peppermint Butler asked "What are they doing?" Simon looked around and said "Some of them made bets on whether or not you would show up. Candy people take their wagers very seriously."
All of a sudden, a strange looking wizard riding a sleigh pulled by rabbits rode out of the thick brush and yelled "Simon! Simon, this is important!"
This other wizard wore a bear skin coat and pants, and deer skin moccasins that curled at the toes. He had a long pale green beard, and long hair that had leaves stuck in it. His skin was coconut brown, and upon his head he wore a bear skin hat.
"Forest Wizard, what's wrong?" asked Simon confused.
Forest Wizard looked at him, scared to death. "Simon, there's big trouble! Something is happening; something bad! I just know it! The trees are speaking to each other, and the birds are acting very strange."
Simon looked puzzled. He asked "What happened?"
Forest Wizard replied "There is a conjurer of dark, evil magic. He's bringing back evil spirits, and controls the shadows! I fear that it could be," he paused and leaned in, "the Dark Sorcerer!"
Simon's eyes widened.
"Oh, my, I need to get back to my shack. It could be in danger. Simon, you let me know if you see anything." And with that, he took off.
Simon was still thinking about it. The whole thing seemed strange.
"Who is that 'Forest Wizard fellow?" asked Peppermint Butler.
"He and I are part of the sacred order of wizards." replied Simon.
Peppermint Butler thought for a moment and said "So there are other wizards aside from you and him?"
"Oh, yes. Many more; the most powerful member of our order is BUFO the frog wizard, but there are many more than just the three of us." said Simon.
Peppermint Butler smiled and returned his focus to the path.
When nightfall came, they stopped next to a cave.
"We'll camp here tonight." said Colonel Candy Corn.
The candy people set up camp very fast. They rolled out the sleeping bags, and lit a fire. The only things they had to eat were a few apples and some bread. Peppermint Butler wished they had some meat and vegetables to cook up a nice stew to eat with the bread. The candy people sat around the fire talking and chatting about the Lonely Mountain. Simon had gone off to inspect the path ahead of them, and make sure it was safe.
Suddenly, Pineapple Guy and Green Gumdrop Dude spied a light in the middle of the woods. Peppermint Butler went with them to check it out. They crouched behind a fallen tree and looked up. To their surprise, they saw three humongous grass ogres sitting around a fire and chomping on huge amounts of meat.
"Grass Ogres!" cried Green Gumdrop Dude.
Colonel Candy Corn came over to see what was going on.
"Colonel, there are grass ogres!" said Pineapple Guy.
"Not to worry," said the colonel, "we have an expert burglar with us." he finished looking at Peppermint Butler.
"Me?" asked Peppermint Butler, "What does burgling have to do with grass ogres?"
"We could use some of that meat that they're eating." said Colonel Candy Corn.
Peppermint Butler asked "A bit risky isn't it?"
Colonel Candy Corn looked at him disgust. "You're the burglar, do you're burgling!" he said pushing him over the branch.
Peppermint Butler started slowly creeping up behind them.
"Blast! There's nothing but mutton to eat!" said one of the grass ogres.
Peppermint Butler tried to think happy thoughts, but he just kept thinking about how big and dangerous the ogres were. He crawled up to the meat as quietly as he could, and tried to reach for it, but he was noticed.
"Hey, what's this?" cried one of the ogres, picking him up.
"Hey! Put me down! Stop that! Hey!" yelled Peppermint Butler.
"What is he?" asked another ogre.
"Maybe we can eat him!" said the other.
"He'd hardly make a mouthful." said the leader.
"But maybe there's more where he came from?" said another.
Peppermint Butler panicked and yelled "Candy people! I'm done for! Run for it!"
The candy people started running away. They turned to look at them.
"Candy people?" said one of the ogres, "Now that's a supper!"
The ogres got up and started chasing the candy people. Before long, they were all tied up, and Peppermint Butler was still in the hands of the leader.
"We'll eat him first!" he said bringing him towards the fire.
Peppermint Butler did some quick thinking and said "But you can't eat me!"
The ogres looked at him and laughed "Why not?" one asked.
"Because," said Peppermint Butler, "you don't know how to properly cook candy people!"
"What would you know about cooking candy people?" asked the leader.
"You have to melt them first!" said Peppermint Butler.
"What!" yelled Starchy.
"I'll get you for this, Peppermint Butler!" shouted Punch Bowl.
"Okay," said the leader, "we'll melt them first."
"Oh, but some of them are inedible." said Peppermint Butler.
"And why not?" asked the leader.
"Because some of them have parasites!" he answered.
"Parasites!" yelled Colonel Candy Corn. I don't have parasites!"
"Neither do we!" cried the others.
Peppermint Butler whispered "I'm trying to save you!"
"Well in that case," said Green Gumdrop Dude, "I have parasites!"
"So do I!" cried Punch Bowl.
"Me too!" said Starchy.
Manfreed stood up and yelled "I have the biggest parasites of all!"
The ogres looked at each other and finally the leader said "Enough! We're eating each and every one of you! Including you, you little sneak!" He pointed to Peppermint Butler.
"Wait!" he said.
Then from behind them they heard "I don't think so!"
They all turned around to see Simon standing on a boulder.
"Simon!" cried Peppermint Butler.
"Who's that?" one of the ogres asked.
"Can we eat him?" asked the other.
Simon slammed his staff down on the rock, and it split in half, revealing the sun.
"The sun!" cried the ogres, "How did the morning come so soon?" and at that moment the ogres turned to stone.
Simon took out a knife and cut the candy people free from the ropes that they were tied up in.
When Colonel Candy Corn was free, he asked "Where's that burglar?"
Everyone looked around but no one saw Peppermint Butler.
"I'm over here!" he said standing next to a hidden cave, "Look what I've found!"
The candy people and Simon walked over to the newly discovered cave. When they entered, they found great piles of gold and jewels. In a small barrel, in the corner, there sat some finely crafted swords. Peppermint Butler, Simon, and Colonel Candy Corn walked over to the barrel.
"These are quite fine blades, considering they were made by grass ogres." said Colonel Candy Corn picking up a blade and inspecting it.
"A bit too fine. I don't think they were made by grass ogres. They were probably stolen. They are engraved with runes." said Simon also picking one up.
"What are runes?" asked Peppermint Butler.
Simon replied "They are the ancient writing of the alliance of flame people and vampires."
"Mine has them too," said Colonel Candy Corn, "Can you make them out?"
Simon looked hard at the ancient symbols trying to identify them. At last he said "I'm not familiar with these letters. Speaking of runes, I believe you're ready to have this." He pulled something from his sleeve and handed it to Colonel Candy Corn.
"What's this?" he asked.
Simon replied "It's a map of the lonely mountain, presented to me one hundred years ago by your father."
"What? Why did he give it to you? Why did it not come to me, the rightful heir?"
Simon said "I have chosen my own time and place to give it to you."
Peppermint Butler rushed over and said "Oh, I do love maps. I have quite a collection you know."
Peppermint Butler examined the map. It was quite an odd one. The Lonely Mountain stood in the middle of the map. On the compass rose, the east was pointing to the north. And there was a strange illustration of a hand on the side, as if pointing to something.
"This here is the Lonely Mountain," said Peppermint Butler, "and this hand must point to, oh my Glob, a secret entrance!"
"Great work burglar," said Simon pulling out something else, "The entrance will be covered by a door made to look exactly like the side of the mountain. When the time comes, use this." He handed Colonel Candy Corn a key made of solid iron.
"Yes, of course." said Colonel Candy Corn putting the key in his pocket. "Cover up the treasure, men. We'll pick it up on the way back."
Simon turned around to see Peppermint Butler holding a small sword.
"Take that, dragon!" said Peppermint Butler thrusting the sword into thin air.
"I see you've also claimed a sword." said Simon watching him.
"Just a dagger actually, but for someone of my size it suffices." said Peppermint Butler putting it in a small scabbard at his side.
"With that sword, you won't have any fears, but true courage is knowing when to spare a life." said Simon putting his new sword in a scabbard as well.
"Huh?" asked Peppermint Butler.
"You'll understand in time." replied Simon.
Six days later, they reached the halfway point of their journey: Rivendell. Rivendell was the city and home of the Flame People and the Vampires. The city was built into the side of a mountain in a small valley. It was surrounded by waterfalls and rainbows, and everything about it was enchanting and peaceful. When they arrived, they were warmly greeted by the leader of Rivendell, Flame King.
They were brought into the royal dining hall, where they ate a grand feast of soups, and ripe fruit, and the freshest vegetables, and fine poultry and meat, with the softest white bread, and sweet wines.
"Thank you, Flame King, for the food, the wine, the fine music and entertainment." said Simon.
Simon and Flame King were old friends.
"And," said Colonel Candy Corn, "you promised to have a look at these swords and our map."
"Of course." said Flame King.
They handed him the swords.
He took one look at them and said "These swords were used in the goblin wars."
First he looked at Colonel Candy Corn's.
"This sword is called Orcrist the Goblin Clever." he said handing it back to the Colonel.
Next he looked at Simon's sword. "This sword is called Glamdring the Foe Hammer. Now about your map,"
"I have it right here!" said Peppermint Butler running over to Flame King.
He handed him the map and he started to examine it.
"Hmm. There's something strange about this map."
They followed him to the highest ledge on the side of the valley. He set the map down on a pedestal so that the light of the moon was shining upon it. Almost instantly, runes appeared next to the drawing of the hand along with an illustration of a dragon.
"As I suspected," said the Flame King, "There are moon letters on this map. See?"
"What are moon letters?" asked Peppermint Butler.
Flame King replied "Letters that can only be seen when the light of the moon shines upon them." Then he started to read them. "Stand by the secret entrance, and by the last light of the setting sun, a keyhole will appear in the stone."
Now that they knew what to do, the group went to bed.
They stayed overnight in Rivendell and the next day in the evening, the candy people left. They barely even noticed that Simon wasn't there. They just suspected he had gone off to clear the path. Simon had stayed behind to attend a council that Flame King was holding.
"What's this about?" asked Simon.
"Simon, our scouts have reported that dark forces are appearing all over Middle Earth. We think it may be the Lich."
Simon's eyes widened. "And you've called the wisest beings in Middle Earth to discuss this matter?"
"That's correct." answered Flame King.
He led Simon up to a high cliff on the side of the valley. At the top of the stone stairs was a big white gazebo with a fountain running over the sides of the cliff.
"Who else is attending?" asked Simon.
Flame King pointed to a balcony leading off of the gazebo. "See for yourself." He said.
Standing on the balcony was a vampire lady wearing a white dress, with a silk hood. Her hair was as black as the night. She turned around and smiled at Simon. Simon smiled back.
The vampire said "Simon of the Ice."
Simon said "Lady Marceline!"
She smiled and said "It's been quite some time since I last saw you."
Simon walked over to her. They stared into each other's eyes. She stroked his long white hair. "Time has changed you." she said looking at the crown on his belt.
He replied "But I see that the days have not affected you, oh queen of vampires. I didn't know that Flame King had sent for you."
"He didn't." replied Marceline.
"I did." said a voice coming from behind them. Simon turned around to see BUFO the Frog Wizard.
"BUFO!" said Simon.
"It's been a while, my old friend." replied BUFO.
Flame King stood at a table, while Simon and BUFO sat down at either end of the table. Marceline just floated.
"I believe we all know why we're here," said BUFO, "the dark forces are getting stronger. I believe we need to expect the worst and assume that it's the Lich."
"No," said Simon, "It can't be! The Lich has been sealed away for over three thousand years!"
"We need to take precautionary measures." said Flame King.
"But what if it's more than just the Lich?" asked Simon. "What if it's something more? Forest Wizard told me about something else. There is a conjurer of dark magic. He thinks it could be the dark master."
"Forest Wizard is nothing but a fool, Simon." said BUFO.
Simon retaliated "I think it would be wise to be prepared for the worst and,"
"Enough Simon!" interrupted BUFO. "The Lich is a far worse matter."
"And what if we're not prepared?" asked Simon.
"Enough. We need to strengthen our forces. This council is over, Flame King." said BUFO disappearing in a flash of light.
Flame King walked back down the stairs and remarked "I'll leave you two alone."
Simon and Marceline stood there.
"You need to get back to your journey." said Marceline. "Afraid so." replied Simon. She walked over to him.
She asked "What's wrong my king of ice?"
Simon replied "I fear that the dragon may be too powerful for my team."
She asked "Why did you choose him?"
"Who, Peppermint Butler?" he asked.
"Yes, him" she answered.
"I'm not sure. Perhaps it's because I'm afraid and he gives me courage. Whatever the reason, I believe he is the only one for this job; until we meet again lady Marceline."
Simon headed for the stairs, when he heard Marceline say "Promise me you'll be okay."
"I will. There's no need to worry." said Simon smiling at Marceline.
She smiled back. She took his hands.
Looking into his eyes, she said "If you ever need me, I'll come."
She disappeared, and Simon stood there alone.
Meanwhile, Peppermint Butler and the Candy People were having a very rough time following the mountain path through the rugged Misty Mountains during a severe thunderstorm. Finally they decided to take shelter in an old, empty cave.
"Get some rest, men." said Colonel Candy Corn, "We'll continue our journey in the morning. This cave is a perfect shelter."
Peppermint Butler was now starting to realize that candy people have an odd sense of perfection.
"This isn't very comfortable," he said, "and where's Simon? Gone again, I wish I was a wizard."
Just then, the walls of the cave started to open up, and revealed a secret passage. Then something lashed out and started kidnapping their horses!
"The ponies, the ponies!" shouted Peppermint Butler, "Wake up! We're being robbed!"
The candy people got up and chased after the thief. The entrance closed behind them.
"The goblins are upon us!" shouted Green Gumdrop Dude.
The goblins came out of the darkness and arrested the candy people.
"Where are you taking us?" demanded Colonel Candy Corn.
"We're taking you to our king for judgment." replied one of the goblins.
When they got there, the goblin king, Xergiok, questioned them.
"Who are these trespassers?" he asked.
"We are not trespassers," said Colonel Candy Corn, "we are merely seeking shelter from the storm!"
"He is a liar, King Xergiok. Ask him to explain his weapon." said one of the goblins holding up the Colonel's sword. "This sword is called Orcrist the Goblin Clever!"
King Xergiok let out an awful roar. "Murderers!" he cried, "Friends of the Flame People and the Vampires!"
He walked over to Colonel Candy Corn, ready to kill him.
Then they heard "Stop!"
Then they saw a blinding light up in the air. A sword appeared.
"I know that sword!" Xergiok cried. "He is called Glamdring the Foe Hammer!"
The sword flashed over to him at the speed of light, and slit his throat. When the light died down, they saw Simon holding the sword.
"Simon! Good old Simon!" cried Peppermint Butler.
Simon yelled "Follow me, quickly!"
The candy people scrambled to get up and followed Simon out through a secret tunnel. With all the confusion, Peppermint Butler took a wrong step and found himself tumbling down another tunnel, leading all the way down to the bottom of the mountains.
Punch Bowl realized that Peppermint Butler wasn't with them anymore. He stopped for a minute.
"Peppermint Butler!" he said, "He's gone!"
Peppermint Butler had tumbled all the way down into the deepest caves of the misty mountains. It was so dark he couldn't see a thing. In the deepest, darkest cave, there was an underground lake with a small island in the middle, and next to it was a small boat. Lying inside it was a hideous creature. A rotted old gingerbread man with crazy eyes and some frosting missing from his arms, and he wore only a small loin cloth. He lay in his boat face up, moaning in despair.
"My precious," he groaned, "it is my precious. Precious finds it something for eating."
This creature was once the royal tart toter for the Shire. Over the years he became twisted and evil. Anyone who lived long enough to know him knew him as Toter.
Peppermint Butler's tumble came to a stop right along the shores of the lake. When he looked up, all he saw was darkness. But then, he saw something washed up on the banks. It shined gold in the darkness.
"What's this?" he said. He picked it up realizing it was a small golden ring. "A ring!" he remarked, "Looks like I found a souvenir to show the neighbors back home. That is if I ever get home." He put the ring in his pocket and said "Now let's see, how do I get out of here?"
He drew his sword from its scabbard, and instantly it started glowing blue!
"Well bless my soul! It glows! Now where's the way out? What a mess you've gotten yourself into, Peppermint Butler."
Then, crawling up the rock behind him he heard "Butlerses? What is Butlerses, precious?"
Peppermint Butler jumped with fright and turned around to see who it was. Toter crawled over the rock and looked upon Peppermint Butler.
"Where does it come from?" he asked.
"I-I am P-P-Peppermint Butler of the Sh-Sh-Shire!" replied Peppermint Butler frightened to death. "I've lost my Wizard, my Candy People, and my sense of direction."
Toter said "Does it taste delicious?"
"Get away! I'm armed with a magic blade!" said Peppermint Butler holding his sword in front of him.
Toter hissed with fear.
"That's better." said Peppermint Butler, "Do you know a way out?"
Toter looked at him. "It likes riddles?" he asked.
"Do I like riddles?" Peppermint Butler repeated, "Yes, I suppose they're okay."
Toter got excited. "You must plays with us. What shall we do with it, precious?" Toter started talking to himself in third-person as if he really had two selves. "We plays it in riddles. And what if it loses, precious? Then, we eats it! Oh wonderful idea, my love! Silence! It must accept. And if it wins?" Toter turned to face Peppermint Butler. "If Butlerses wins, we shows it the way out, and if Butlerses loses, we eats it whole!"
Peppermint Butler stared at him a moment as if considering his options. He realized it was his only chance to find a way out. Finally he spoke. "Fair enough." he said sitting down on a rock.
"We goes first!" said Toter. "It howls, it bites, it stings, and speaks, but this cruel thing cannot be seen; the answer?"
"Give me a moment to think about it." said Peppermint Butler.
"How does it taste? Will it taste scrumptious?" Toter asked himself.
"If you please," said Peppermint Butler holding his sword ready to strike.
Toter backed away.
"Wind!" said Peppermint Butler, "Wind is the answer!"
Toter looked disappointed.
"My turn." said Peppermint Butler, "A box without hinges, a key, or a lid, yet a golden treasure inside is hid."
Toter thought about it for a moment and said "Ah! Eggses! Eggses is the answer!"
"Oh bother." said Peppermint Butler.
"Our turn." said Toter. "Twenty-Four white horses on a red hill, they stamps and they clamps, but then they stands still."
"Teeth!" said Peppermint Butler almost immediately. "My turn. At dawn I walk on four legs, at noon I walk on two, and at dusk I walk on three legs. What am I?"
Toter thought about it. Then he said "Man! Man it is! Our turn!"
Peppermint Butler prepared for the next riddle.
"This thing, all things it devours: people, townses, treeses, flowerses, grinds iron, bites steel, turns hard stones to meal, slays kingses, rots the ground, and beats high mountainses down!"
Peppermint Butler sat there confused. "Yes, very interesting. Let me see,"
"Will it make a tasty morsel?" asked Toter.
"Just a moment now," said Peppermint Butler.
"It will taste delicious!" said Toter.
"Give me some time!" pleaded Peppermint Butler.
"What?" asked Toter, "What? What does it say?" asked Toter.
"I said time, time!" said Peppermint Butler.
Toter started freaking out and throwing a huge fit.
"What's the matter?" asked Peppermint Butler.
"Yes," said Toter, "time is the answer."
"It is?" asked Peppermint Butler excitedly, "I mean, oh, yes! I knew it all the time! That's an old one!"
Toter said "Your next riddle?"
"Oh, I can't think of another one." said Peppermint Butler annoyed.
"You have to!" yelled Toter.
"Alright," he replied, "What do I have in my pocket?" he asked him.
"Not fair! Cheating! He cheatses, precious! How are we supposed to guess what's in its nasty, little pocketses?" said Toter with rage.
"I'm sorry," said Peppermint Butler, "but that's my riddle. If you can't guess it, you lose, and show me the way out! You have three guesses. Ready? Go."
"Handses?" asked Toter.
"No." said Peppermint Butler.
"Lintses?" Toter asked.
"No." he said again, "Okay, last guess."
Toter thought hard and asked "Handkerchiefses?"
"Nope, sorry. You lose." said Peppermint Butler.
"Oh, my precious loses!" said Toter defeated. But then he got an idea. "But first," he said, "we shows it our precious."
"You wish to show me something?" asked Peppermint Butler.
"Our birthday present." he replied.
He floated out to the small island in the middle of the lake on his small boat. Then he started looking around. He started to worry.
"Where is it?" he asked, "Where is it? Lost it is!" then he said, "My precious remembers! One day on the shore, we drops it!" Then he remembered Peppermint Butler's riddle. "The Butlerses steals it! My ring! My birthday present!"
Peppermint Butler was still on the shore. He took the ring out of his pocket and said "He never would have guessed that my pocket contained this."
Then he heard Toter let out an awful shriek.
"Oh, I say!" said Peppermint Butler.
At that moment he put on the ring. But when he put it on, he instantly became invisible! "My Glob, the ring is magical!" The light of his sword was still shining. "Better douse this!" he said putting the sword back in its scabbard.
When Toter came over, he didn't see Peppermint Butler anywhere. "Where did it go?" he asked, "Where is the Butlerses? It doesn't know the way out! But it knows the way in! So it must know a way out!"
Toter ran for the exit hoping he could catch Peppermint Butler not knowing that he was watching him the whole time.
"How convenient!" said Peppermint Butler. Then he simply followed Toter to the way out.
When they reached the end of the tunnel, Toter stopped. Then, from another tunnel, running out through the exit, was Simon and the Candy People. Peppermint Butler couldn't believe what he saw. He held his sword to Toter's neck, ready to kill him. But then he noticed how helpless and pitiful Toter was. He remembered what Simon said about knowing when to spare a life. He decided to spare him.
He simply ran around him and said "Ta, ta!" And he ran out of the mountain, following Simon and the candy people.
Furious, Toter yelled "Thief! Thief he is! He takes my precious!"
When everyone was out of the mountain, Simon realized that Peppermint Butler wasn't with them.
"Where's Peppermint Butler?" he asked. Everyone looked around, but no one saw him.
"Probably run off to go back home, the coward that he is!" said Colonel Candy Corn.
Peppermint Butler took off the ring and stepped out from behind a tree.
"Here I am! Over here!" he called.
"Where were you?" asked Manfreed.
Peppermint Butler told them the entire story, starting with his unfortunate fall and ending with him sparing Toter's life. He left out the part about the ring.
"We had to fight our way through the goblin guard." said Colonel Candy Corn, "How is it they didn't see you?"
Peppermint Butler lied and said "Oh, well the art of burglary is that of being inconspicuous; invisible so to speak."
Simon, being a wizard knew everything about how Peppermint Butler found the ring. "Your story has quite a ring to it. It rings with the truth." He said. Peppermint Butler was about to speak but Simon said "You need say no more. Let us continue on."
When nightfall came, the Candy people were about to set up camp, when they heard the howl of why-wolves. When they ran up over the hill, they realized that riding on them was an army of angry goblins, still chasing them.
"The Goblins!" cried Pineapple Guy.
"Quick! Into the trees! They won't be able to reach us!" said Simon.
Everyone climbed high into the trees. It was a bad idea though. The moment they realized they wouldn't be able to reach them, the goblins lit the trees on fire! The Goblins laughed at the helpless team. They taunted them with a song.
Fifteen birds,
In five fir trees,
Yes they got caught,
In a fiery breeze.
Oh what shall we do
With the funny little things?
What funny little birds!
They have no wings,
Oh what shall we do
With the funny little things?
Oh what shall we do
With the funny little things?
Just then, a small moth flew over to Simon. Simon said something to it and it flew away.
"What do we do?" cried Peppermint Butler.
"We're doomed!" shouted Starchy.
Simon used his ice powers and shot frozen lightning bolts at the goblins. The goblins were about to start shooting arrows at them, when the small moth came back, and they all heard a loud 'Shriek!' and a big flock of morrows swooped down and rescued them from the burning trees, and carried them off through the night.
By the time morning of the next day came, they were still riding the morrows.
"Where do you think they're taking us?" Peppermint Butler asked.
"I think they might be taking us to the edge of that forest down there." said Pineapple Guy. He pointed to a ginormous forest just below them, with big jagged rocks lining its border.
"To smash us against those rocks! I know it!" said Peppermint Butler.
But the morrows let them down unharmed.
When they got off, Simon said "Thank you for the help. We owe you our lives."
The leader of the morrows said "I've not forgotten about the arrow that brought me down years ago. Nor have I forgotten the wizard that healed my wing. It is I who owe my life to you." and they flew away.
"This is Mirkwood Forest." said Simon, "In order to reach the Lonely Mountain, you must first pass through here. I wish you luck in the rest of your quest."
"You speak as though you weren't going with us!" said Colonel Candy Corn.
"I'm not." replied Simon. "I have something that I must attend to."
"What?" asked Colonel Candy Corn in disbelief. "But you can't leave! How will we survive without you?"
"Don't worry," said Simon, "I'm sending Mr. Butler with you."
"Mr. Butler?" asked Green Gumdrop Dude.
"Peppermint Butler?" said one of the Marshmallow Twins.
"The burglar?" asked Starchy.
"Me?" asked Peppermint Butler surprised, "Why in Glob's name would you send me? I'm no substitute for a Wizard!"
"Now, now, I'm already late because of our little mishap with the goblins. Lead them wisely. I would like you to fill out this log about your journey." said Simon handing Peppermint Butler a scroll and a quill pen.
"I can only do my best." said Peppermint Butler.
"Well then that will have to suffice." Simon replied, and he disappeared in a flash of light.
The journey through Mirkwood was terrible. The forest was so thick that there was barely any room to move around. The trees were so crowded together that even in the daylight, the forest was as black as night. They spent every day trying to hike through the torturous terrain, being very careful not to trip over the tangled and twisted roots of the trees that grew out of the ground. The nights were terrible. The ground was rough, the rocks were sharp, and it was freezing cold. And the only things they had to eat were horrible bitter berries that grew on thorn bushes. Every night when they went to sleep, they would pray that they weren't eaten up by one of the monstrous creatures that lived in the wilderness of the forest.
Then one day, Peppermint Butler woke up in the morning only to discover that his comrades were missing.
"Where have they gone?" he wondered.
When he got up, to his horror, he turned around to see two giant spiders, Ed and Barb, staring at him.
"What should we do with him, Barb?" asked Ed.
She pondered over the question, then she said "We'll kill him and take his possessions, Ed."
"Stay back!" said Peppermint Butler pulling out his sword. "I'm armed!"
The spiders cowered in fear. Peppermint Butler lunged forward, and stabbed Ed in the stomach, killing him. Barb hissed and crawled away into the darkness.
"Now I'll give you a name." said Peppermint Butler. "I'll call you Sting!"
Peppermint Butler searched and searched all day until he finally found his companions. And what a horrible sight it was. The candy people had been wrapped up by the spider's webs. Peppermint Butler managed to cut them free using Sting. Peppermint Butler decided that he would convert his story into a novel, and call it 'There and Back Again: a Peppermint's Holiday'.
One day, they decided that one of them should climb to the top of the tallest tree to see which direction they were going. Peppermint Butler volunteered. When he got to the very top, for the first time in weeks he saw the light of day. The beautiful view around him made him wonder if he would ever see his cozy little candy hole again.
When he climbed down, he noticed that his comrades were missing once again! When he finally found them, it was an even worse sight than the spiders. The candy people had been captured by the creatures that inhabited the forest, the Party Bears. Peppermint Butler put on the ring, and snuck into the Party Bear's cave. The guards didn't notice him thanks to his invisibility. The candy people were sentenced to thirty years in the dungeon by the leader of the Party Bears, Party Pat.
Peppermint Butler was able to get the key from the guard of the dungeon, but because they were being watched at all times, it was weeks before he found a way to sneak his friends out of the cells. Now, it's a known fact that Party Bears love their wine, which is shipped to them from up the river. This gave Peppermint Butler an idea.
One night when the guards got drunk and passed out from drinking too much wine, Peppermint Butler unlocked the cells, and snuck the candy people and himself out of the cave, and out of the forest, by hiding in the empty wine barrels and floating down the river. They were finally out of the forest.
The river carried them to Laketown, home of the spiky people. And standing above Laketown, was the destination of their journey, the Lonely Mountain. They had gone through many adventures to see it, and now they weren't sure if they were going to like it.
When they arrived in Laketown, they broke out of the barrels and Colonel Candy Corn shouted "I am Colonel Candy Corn, grandson of King Under the Mountain!" then he passed out.
They were cared for by the mayor of Laketown. For the first time in months, they got to sleep in beds, and eat quality foods.
Two weeks later, when they were well enough to continue on, they began their hike up the Lonely Mountain.
They searched for days for the secret entrance, but they had absolutely no luck at all.
Then one evening when they stopped to rest, the light of the sun shone on the side of the mountain. Peppermint Butler remembered Flame King's words.
'Stand by the secret entrance, and by the last light of the setting sun, a keyhole will appear in the stone.'
And one did appear, right in the side of the mountain.
"Everyone, look! It's happening!" shouted Peppermint Butler.
Everyone watched in amazement as the keyhole shone crystal clear.
"Colonel Candy Corn, quickly! Before it's gone, use your key!"
The Colonel brought out the key that Simon gave him. He thrust it into the keyhole and the secret passage opened. Now it was time to decide who would go in to flush out the old dragon.
"I think Peppermint Butler should be the one to do it!" said Starchy, "He is the Burglar."
Two others seconded the vote.
"No one else wants to help?" asked Peppermint Butler. No one raised their hands. "Wow." Said Peppermint Butler, "Some comrades I have."
Peppermint Butler entered the secret passage. He noticed that a small magpie followed him inside. This was it; the moment of truth. He reached into his pocket, and put on the ring, so the Dragon would not see him.
When he came to the main chamber of the mountain, he saw mountains of gold and jewels. Treasures of gold and silver, and the most finely crafted golden pottery. And lying right in the middle of it all was the old dragon himself.
'Now you're in for it at last, Peppermint Butler.' the Peppermint thought. 'Why are you here? You've no use for dragon treasures.'
He stepped toward the gold.
'Glob, help me.' he thought.
He knelt down and picked up a decent looking silver chalice.
The dragon started to wake up. He looked around the room.
"Well thief," he said. "I smell you, feel your air. I hear your breath. Come along! Help yourself. There's plenty, and to spare."
Peppermint Butler replied "Thank you, oh, magnificent dragon. I did not come for treasure. I only wish to have a look at you and see if you are truly as great as tales say. I did not believe them."
"Do you now?" asked the dragon.
"They fall utterly short of reality, O greatest of calamities!" replied Peppermint Butler.
The dragon realized what he was doing.
"You have nice manners, for a thief; and a liar." he said. "You know me, but I don't remember smelling you before." He continued to look for the intruder. "Who are you and where do you come from?"
Peppermint Butler replied "I come from under the hill. And under the hill and over the hills my paths led, and through the air. I am he that walks unseen."
Peppermint Butler ducked behind some barrels.
"You make riddles?" asked the dragon. "What is your name?"
Peppermint Butler replied "I am the lucky number, the web cutter, the spider stinger,"
"Lovely titles." said the dragon.
Peppermint Butler continued, "I am he that drowns his friends and draws them alive again from the water. I am the guest of Morrows, the ring-winner, and luck wearer, the clue-finder and the barrel-rider."
The dragon thought for a moment. "Barrel-rider, eh? Then I have guessed your riddle! You are one of those miserable, tub-thumping Spiky People! You and your town shall pay dearly for this intrusion! So the Spiky People would steal my treasure?"
"Wait!" said Peppermint Butler, "You don't know everything. Not gold alone brought me here."
"Be done with your riddles!" shouted the dragon. "What else brought you here, Spiky Person?"
"Revenge!" shouted Peppermint Butler.
"Revenge?" asked the dragon.
"Surely you realize that your success has made you some bitter enemies."
The dragon laughed. "Revenge? You? Ha! I am a dragon! I kill what I wish! I am strong, strong, strong! My armor is like tenfold shields, my teeth are like swords, my claws, spears, and the shock of my tail a thunderbolt!"
The dragon slammed his tale down in anger, shaking the entire room.
"My wings a hurricane!" The dragon flapped his wings creating strong gusts. "And my breath, death!"
The dragon breathed out fire, lighting up the entire room and heating it up as hot as metal on a summer day.
"Well?" he asked. "Well?! Where are your riddles now?"
Peppermint Butler replied "Very impressive. However, I have always understood that dragons were soft underneath. Vulnerable. Especially in the region of the chest."
The dragon retaliated "You have heard wrong! I am armored both above and below."
"Well," said Peppermint Butler, "I don't know about that."
The dragon answered "You 'don't know about that.' I'll show you!" He rolled over on his back causing a humongous crash. "Look!" he said. "What do you say to this?"
Peppermint Butler examined the dragon's underside. It was true! He really was covered on the bottom. "Dazzling!" said Peppermint Butler, "Marvelous! Perfect! Flawless! Staggering! Mag," he stopped.
Right at the center of his chest, there was a scale missing, revealing his soft skin.
"Old fool!" he said, "There's a patch in the hollow of your left breast as bare as a snail out of its shell."
"What's that?" he asked, "More riddles?"
"Oh no," said Peppermint Butler, "My riddling is done. I really must not detain your magnificence any longer. Sorry you couldn't find me. But a fine burglar takes expert catching." Peppermint Butler took off the ring, revealing himself to the dragon.
"Burglar?" he asked, looking around again. When he finally saw him, he cried "Burglar!" and he breathed his fire breath right at him.
Peppermint Butler ran out of the cave as fast as he could.
The dragon breathed his fire down the tunnel, and caught Peppermint Butler's coat on fire.
Outside, the candy people were still waiting.
"We should have gone with him!" said Green Gumdrop Dude."
"To be roasted alive?" asked Colonel Candy Corn.
Peppermint Butler came running out of the tunnel.
"It's the burglar!" cried Starchy.
"Three cheers for Peppermint Butler!"
Peppermint Butler said "Thank you! But I'd appreciate a more pragmatic salute. In other words, extinguish me!"
Colonel Candy Corn ran over and threw a cloth on Peppermint Butler, and patted him down.
"There we go! There we go! Always glad to help a friend."
"I can't tell you how grateful I am." said Peppermint Butler.
"Never mind that." said Colonel Candy Corn, "What did you burgle?"
"This!" said Peppermint Butler pulling out the silver chalice.
The candy people stood in awe at the chalice. But their admiration was cut short.
The dragon flew out of the mountain, sending an avalanche crashing down the mountain.
"Into the secret passage!" cried Peppermint Butler, "It's our only chance!"
They ran into the tunnel, and when everyone was inside, the avalanche blocked off the exit.
"Barrel-rider!" yelled the dragon, "Thieving Spiky Person! Your people shall see my vengeance!"
Peppermint Butler said "The Spiky People are doomed unless," He paused. Sitting on a rock was the small magpie from before. "Yes! You are a bird and yet so much more. You have seen the dragon! You know his vulnerable spot! Go to Laketown. There is a mayor. Tell him!"
The magpie flew off through a small hole.
The mayor was standing on the docks talking to the guards, when he felt a patch of warm air.
"This breeze is strangely warm for autumn." he said.
"What's that?" cried one of the guards.
The dragon was flying straight for them.
"The Dragon is coming!" cried the mayor. "Cut the bridges! To arms! To arms!"
As the dragon flew overhead, the guards fired arrows at him. It was no use. The arrows just bounced right off.
"Stand your ground. Rearm!" yelled the mayor. Then the Mayor himself took out a bow.
He aimed for the dragon's underside.
Just then, the magpie arrived and landed on the mayor's shoulder.
"Away, bird! Away!" he cried.
The magpie started to whisper in his ear.
"You speak?" asked the Mayor.
The magpie told him about the weak spot on the dragon's chest.
"Peppermint Butler?" asked the mayor. "He found what? Yes, I'll look."
The dragon flew over the top of his head and sure enough, the mayor saw the area with the missing scale.
"You speak the truth old magpie!" said the mayor.
The mayor reached for his arrow holster and took out a black arrow.
"Black Arrow," said the mayor, "you've never failed me. And I've always recovered you. I had you from my father, and he from of old. Wherever you came from, go now and speed well!" he pulled back the string. Aiming for the bare spot, he let go.
As the dragon flew over again, the arrow hit the bare spot, and went right into his chest. The dragon let out an awful scream, and fell from the sky, plunging into the lake below. And just like that, the old dragon was dead.
A week passed. The Candy People bathed in their glory, and swam in the mountains of gold.
"Look at me!" said Pineapple Guy, "I'm King Under the Mountain!"
"Stop!" said Colonel Candy Corn, "There is only one King Under the Mountain and I am he: Colonel Candy Corn!"
The candy people shouted "Hail Colonel Candy Corn, King Under the Mountain!"
"Oh, there's much to be done!" said Colonel Candy Corn. "We must catalog our wealth and pack it for shipment!"
Peppermint Butler just sat on a chest looking at the map of the Lonely Mountain.
Colonel Candy Corn said "Join the fun, burglar! Part of this is yours!"
"Might be mine." said Peppermint Butler. "What if the dragon returns?"
"He's been gone for a week now," said the new king, "found greener pastures."
"We should go outside and see for ourselves if he's gone. Follow me men." said Peppermint Butler leading the way.
When they came to a balcony outside of the mountain, they saw a very strange sight. In the valley below, they saw tiny lights freckling the entire area.
"What are they?" asked Starchy. "Have giant fireflies invaded the valley?"
"Not fireflies," said Peppermint Butler, "fires, campfires!"
"Nonsense!" said Colonel Candy Corn, "Only an army would need that many fires!"
Then from behind them they heard "Two armies."
They turned around to see the mayor of Laketown.
"Mayor of the Spiky People?" asked Colonel Candy Corn, "What did you say?"
"I said two armies my friend, two armies. The dragon is dead. I have slain him. The magpie delivered your message."
"Did he?" asked Peppermint Butler. "I hoped he would!"
"My people have made me king." he said.
"King? Really?" said Peppermint Butler. "Congratulations! Couldn't happen to a nicer fellow. How can we ever thank you?"
"My village needs repaired from the attack." he said. "You can thank us by sharing your wealth."
"Of course! Of course! There's plenty to share!"
"Wait a minute!" shouted Colonel Candy Corn, "This is our treasure!"
"It wouldn't be yours if the dragon was still alive." said the Mayor.
"A technicality." said the Colonel. "And you brought two armies to take it, eh?"
"I brought one army." he replied.
Then they heard, "The other is mine."
They turned to see Party Pat, leader of the Party Bears.
"You who threw us in the dungeon?" asked the Colonel.
"My people have suffered from the worm over the years. Part of that treasure belongs to us! Now give it up!"
"Never! Shouted the Colonel.
"Then tomorrow we'll take it after defeating you on the battle field!" said the Mayor of the Spiky Village. "You realize you're hopelessly outnumbered."
"This is madness!" said Peppermint Butler.
"Quiet you!" said Colonel Candy Corn, "What would a burglar know of this matter?"
Peppermint Butler realized that there would be no stopping the battle that would come the next day.
The next day, the candy people put on armor, and prepared to march into battle.
"This armor was made by my grandfather." said Colonel Candy Corn. "Wear it proudly, and it will carry you to victory."
"My only hope is to get taken prisoner as soon as possible." said Peppermint Butler. Colonel Candy Corn replied
"Those are the words of a coward!"
Peppermint Butler asked "A coward, eh? The same coward who flushed out the dragon? The coward who saved you time and time again? The coward who always went forward while you cringed behind?"
"What do you know?" asked the Colonel.
"This is madness!" said Peppermint Butler. "Ten against ten-thousand, and yet you march off to your deaths as merrily as if you were marching off to a tea party!"
"Your kind wouldn't understand, Peppermint. This is war!" said Colonel Candy Corn.
Then, Pineapple Guy came over and bowed to the Colonel. "O, great King Under the Mountain," he said. "Another army approaches from the East! An army of our kind!"
"My cousin Chet from the Iron Hills?" he asked.
"None other!" said Pineapple Guy.
"Now we have an army!" said the Colonel.
"A battle of three armies?" asked Peppermint Butler.
"To war!" said Colonel Candy Corn.
On the battlefield, the armies shouted their battle cries.
"Onward!" cried The King of Spiky People.
"Forward!" cried Colonel Candy Corn.
"To battle!" cried Party Pat.
The armies marched forward. Then, in the middle of the battlefield an old man appeared, blocking the way.
The King of the Spiky People shouted "Who's that old man?"
"Get out of the way!" said Party Pat.
Colonel Candy Corn said "Move, you old fool!"
The old man turned around and they realized it was Simon. "'Old fool'?" he asked.
"Simon!" shouted Peppermint Butler.
Simon shouted "Halt! I must speak with the kings!"
The three kings, Colonel Candy Corn, Mayor of the Spiky People, and Party Pat walked up to Simon.
"Another army is coming from the north; an army of goblins with claim to the treasure!" said Simon.
Just as he finished speaking, the army of goblins arrived on the spot intended to kill.
"Oh, Party Pat, and Mayor of Spiky People," said Colonel Candy Corn sucking up to the other kings. "You two are my truest allies! We must join our forces together to defeat the goblins and save the Lonely Mountain."
"My forces are at one with yours." said Party Pat.
"As are mine." added the Mayor.
Peppermint Butler couldn't believe how quickly they had gone from enemies to allies. "Colonel Candy Corn is right. I simply do not understand war." And with that, he took off his armor, and ran to a small hill where he hid behind a tree, watching the battle.
It went on for hours and hours. The battle was completely ruthless. Over half of their forces were taken down in the first hour. Peppermint Butler just sat there watching.
"A battle of four armies," he said counting them, "One, two, three, yes four!"
The battle was looking stiff. The goblins were just too strong.
"If these be our last moments, men, then let us live them in honor." said Colonel Candy Corn.
"Don't worry," said Simon, "There's still another army on the way!"
Just then, an army of morrows swooped in and joined the battle.
"The morrows!" shouted Colonel Candy Corn.
Peppermint Butler couldn't believe what he was seeing. "Five armies now?" he asked himself. "Peppermint Butler, enough is enough." He took the ring out of his pocket, and slid it on.
With the morrows now part of the war, things were finally turning around.
Hours later, the battle ended. The goblins had been defeated. Peppermint Butler had fallen asleep under the tree.
Punch Bowl, who was injured, crawled over to the hillside.
Peppermint Butler woke up and saw him. He took off the ring and ran over to him.
"Punch Bowl, you're hurt!" he said.
Punch Bowl replied "I'm still alive. And you?"
Peppermint Butler thought up a quick lie. "Slight wound, crack on the head. Out for hours. What happened?"
Punch Bowl replied "We won."
Peppermint Butler met Simon in the middle of the battlefield.
"Punch Bowl gone too, huh?" asked Simon.
"Out of our original fourteen, how many are left?" asked Peppermint Butler.
"Seven." replied Simon.
"And what about Colonel Candy Corn?" asked Peppermint Butler.
Simon shook his head. "Soon there will only be six." He replied.
Simon led Peppermint Butler to a doctor's tent on the far side of the battlefield. There they saw Colonel Candy Corn lying on his death bed.
Colonel Candy Corn saw him and said "Farewell, good thief. I wish to part in friendship. I am sorry for some of the things I said."
Peppermint Butler held his hand. "There are some things I would like take back as well." he said.
"Hush." said Colonel Candy Corn. "You are not a coward, my friend. I'm sorry I so named you."
"This is not important," said Peppermint Butler.
But the Colonel kept talking. "And I was wrong!" he said, "You did understand war. It was I who did not."
"I forgive you, my friend." said Peppermint Butler.
"And does it take this for us to truly see each other?" said Colonel Candy Corn. He continued "Child of the kindly west, I've come to know that if more people chose your way, food and cheer over hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. But merry or not, I must leave it now. Farwell." He finished speaking, and he passed away.
"Farewell Colonel Candy Corn." said Peppermint Butler with a tear in his eye.
Pineapple Guy, and Manfreed pulled the covers over the body.
Their quest was finally over. The candy people had reclaimed their home. But at what cost?
The next day, Peppermint Butler headed home with Simon as his guide.
"You're taking only two small bags of gold with you?" asked Simon, "Your share was greater."
"It's all my pony could carry." said Peppermint Butler, "Plus it's more than I'll ever need."
Simon looked at him and said "But you have other prizes too."
"The ring?" asked Peppermint Butler. "Oh, yes. I'll keep it as a souvenir and display it above my fireplace.
Simon laughed. "And so the prophecies come true. The dragon has been defeated, the goblins have been forced away, the candy people and the Party Bears live in peace."
Peppermint Butler snorted. "Prophecies."
"What?" asked Simon.
"I had a hand in all that!" he replied.
Simon asked "Surely you don't disbelieve in the prophecies just because you helped bring them to be?"
Peppermint Butler and Simon took out their pipes for a smoke.
"Yes, Peppermint Butler," said Simon, "You'll return to your candy hole, hang your souvenir ring above the fireplace, and publish your story which you believe has come to its end."
Peppermint Butler asked "What do you mean 'believe' has come to an end? It has! Hasn't it?"
Simon smiled and replied "Peppermint Butler, if only you could understand it, as some day, members of your family not yet born will. You are a good person, Peppermint Butler, and I'm very fond of you. But you're only just a small person in a wide world, after all."
"Thank Glob." replied Peppermint Butler, handing Simon the tobacco jar.
Wow, that was a lot. It's finally finished. I've been working on this for over 4 months. Incase you were wandering, I will be continuing this story with an Adventure Time parody of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Let me know what you thought! Read and Review!