The file containing the disclaimer that I don't own any GI Joe characters has been classified. Well I've been watching my new first season GI Joe DVDs and this thought occurred to me, Hawk wasn't there the first season. He was in Washington DC so he didn't see firsthand the crazy things that happened. Here's just a conversation I imagined that could have happened when he first reviewed the files on some of the Joes' adventures with Duke. Yeah it's short and silly but it's fun!
You Gotta Be Kidding Me
"Are your people on drugs?" General Hawk snapped. "Cause if they're not maybe they should be!"
"General Hawk I can understand your skepticism," Duke sighed. "Hell, I was there all those times and I don't believe it myself!"
"Look, I can understand the weather machine and Mass Device and all those other documented weapons," Hawk indicated the folder. "But Cobra having a ghost brigade?"
"Technically it wasn't really a brigade," Duke said. "There were only three of them. A Roman soldier, A female Mongolian warrior and an American fighter pilot from World War Two."
"Oh well, that makes all the difference," Hawk said sarcastically. "You sure they weren't holograms?"
"No, they were pretty real all right," Duke sighed.
"And how did you stop them again?" Hawk asked. "Call in the Ghostbusters?"
"We talked to the American pilot, convinced him to convince the others into scaring Cobra Commander…" Duke realized how ridiculous he sounded. "And then we gave their possessions a proper burial."
"Their what?"
"Well according to combat the gypsy magic that raised them…" Duke began.
"Never mind…" Hawk sighed.
"Yeah I know," Duke agreed. "When the Baroness suggested it I thought it was…"
"THE BARONESS?" Hawk did a double take. "Are you seriously suggesting the enemy helped you? Why would she do that?"
"Job security," Duke told him.
"Of course," Hawk said in a tone that more than implied he didn't believe him. "Why not? Let's move on to some of the other questionable items shall we?"
"What specifically?" Duke was afraid to ask.
"This garbage about you running into Ancient Egyptian Gods," Hawk pointed.
"Sorry sir, that was true," Duke knew he shouldn't have gotten up that morning. "We did encounter life forms that apparently were the beings the Egyptians worshiped. And we did get our souls judged and saved the world from Set's wrath by returning the stolen treasure back to the pyramid."
"Okay now I know there is something in the water here," Hawk groaned.
"Maybe we should move on," Duke suggested.
"Yes we should," Hawk said. "To the whereabouts of Steeler and Grunt who have been missing for months!"
"They're not missing sir," Duke said. "We know exactly where they are."
"And where are they?"
"In another dimension," Duke gulped. "Helping the Baroness overthrow a world where Cobra rules. Not our Baroness, the alternate Baroness."
"I see," Hawk frowned. "And just why would that Baroness try to overthrow Cobra?"
"Apparently she and Steeler…" Duke began. "Well her and the other Steeler…The alternate one that's dead…They were an item and well…."
"I don't want to hear anymore!" Hawk held up his hand. "Well all this weirdness is going to stop now that I am officially taking over GI Joe and moving in. And another thing…"
Just then a strange portal opened up. Emerging from it were two very strange figures. One was a woman with black hair, a rainbow robe and some kind of crown on her head. The second was a man with a jackal's head. "Greetings to the one called Duke," The woman spoke.
"Uh hi there," Duke gulped. "Uh General Hawk this is…"
"Ma'at, Goddess of Justice and Anubis, Lord of the Dead," Ma'at motioned.
"And I prefer not to be called 'Dog Face'," Anubis glared at Duke.
"Point taken," Duke blinked.
"Hello," Hawk gulped. "Nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you."
"I thought you guys couldn't leave the chamber?" Duke asked.
"Most of the gods are confined yes," Anubis told him. "We however have special permission to leave the temple when necessary."
"We just came to warn you that Set may be planning some kind of invasion to the upper world," Ma'at said. "We're not sure how or when but we thought it might be wise to warn you in case that happens."
"It is good to have allies on this side of the world," Anubis folded his arms. "Especially since you are foes of Set's Chosen ones."
"He means Cobra," Duke said.
"I gathered that," Hawk said. "Well thanks for the heads up. We'll keep an eye out. Would you like something to drink or…"
"No thank you," Anubis waved. "We had some nectar before we left."
"You've been hitting the nectar a bit too much lately anyway," Ma'at grimaced.
"Look woman," Anubis growled. "I have not exactly been busy delivering souls to the underworld for a few thousand years! Since most of our true believers have passed on there are very few duties for me to occupy my time! Besides it is not proper to discuss this among mortals!"
"You didn't seem to discussing the private lives of the gods around mortals at a certain festival of Osiris as I recall," Ma'at said.
"That was literally a millennia ago!" Anubis shouted. "And I'd just broken up with Bastet for Horus' sake!"
"Bastet?" Duke blinked. "Isn't she the Cat Goddess?"
"Yes and I am all too aware of our differences," Anubis grumbled.
"Now you are," Ma'at said. "Perhaps we should leave. Farewell GI Joe." They disappeared through another portal.
"Uh yeah," Hawk gulped. "See ya around…"
In a flash the gods disappeared. The two men sat there in silence for a moment. Then Duke turned to Hawk. "Still think we're on drugs?"
"No…" Hawk sighed. "But I know where I can get some very cheaply…"
"Good," Duke nodded. "Cause you're gonna need 'em if you stay on this base!"
"I should have stayed in Washington DC…" Hawk moaned. "I knew I should have stayed in Washington DC."