After nearly ten minutes, the repetitive tap-tap-tap of Jaeger's pen against the tabletop officially becomes too annoying to not be a distraction. Slamming my own writing utensil down beside my notebook, I snag his gaze with mine.
"In the name of all that is holy, Jaeger, if you don't-"
"But you won't listen to my question!"
"Cause I'm fucking busy, you goddamn prat! Go ask Armin or 'Kasa or something! Just leave me the fuck alone!"
"But I need-"
"Jaeger."
A heavy grunt tells me that I've won this scuttle and I return to my task at hand, face settling back into a neutral expression.
Seven heavenly silent minutes and half a paragraph later, a foot ramming into my ankle disrupts my concentration.
"Hey. Kirchstein."
Ignoring him, I tighten my grip on my pen and will myself to keep my eyes cast downward.
The asshole has the nerve to kick me again.
"Jaegerbombtastic to horse face, are you there? Over."
The soft clicking of my fingers against the key board turns into aggressive smashing as he begins tapping his pen again, louder and faster than before. Seeing as he doesn't intend to let me focus on my assignment, my mind falls to counting out the taps. Every eight strike is what he deems an appropriate time to kick me and I honestly take offense to the repeated jabs.
tap
"Hey."
tap
"Hey."
tap-tap-tap
"Kirchstein. Hey."
tap-tap
"Yoo-hoo!"
tap-kick-tap
"Jeanbo."
tap
"Jeeeeeeeean."
tap-tap-tap-tap
"Answer me, you dick."
Having had enough, I kick him square in the kneecap before he has a chance to kick me, ceasing his infuriating antics. For good measure, I crumple up my empty Cheetos bag and fling it at him. Courtesy of my wonderful aim, it bounces off of his forehead and earns me a glare.
With a vow to actually fight him if I have to, I sneer, in my sharpest tone,
"What is it, Eren?"
"Would you fuck me?"
Confused, mildly disgusted, and just the slightest, slightest bit intrigued, I respond with the first thing that comes to mind, something I have said numerous times to sway girls away from me back in my clubbing days,
"I don't swing that way."
"You have a boyfriend."
"Yes, well, you see-"
"I meant it hypothetically, dude."
"I'm not into bestiality."
"Says the horse. But come on, Jean, I'm serious! Look at me." I look at him, briefly, then redirect my gaze back to my Trigonometry research assignment. "Do you think I'm hot?"
"Sure, yeah. I guess."
"You guess? You guess? That's not good enough! 'You guess' is not gonna score me a date with Armin!"
Curious interest settles in and prompts me to look up from my laptop screen once more.
"You mean Armin who has liked you since primary school? Armin who has been flirting with you and dropping hints since the start junior high? Oh, no, my bad, you must mean the Armin with whom you have one of the most intense skinny loves I've ever seen. That one, yeah?"
He doesn't miss a beat in asking, "Wait, what? For real?"
Disturbedly shocked, I close my laptop, fold my arms and stare at Eren from across the table. The widening of his eyes and lift of his eyebrows makes his own surprise look sincere.
As the seconds tick past, he continues to scrutinize me, attempting to determine if what I said was true. Scoffing, I roll my eyes and push away from the table to stand up. I move around to the other side where Eren's sitting and dig his phone out of his backpack.
"What's your passcode?" I ask, resting my hip against the edge of the table. He dips his head down as a coy blush creeps across the expanse of his face.
With a click of my tongue, I raise an eyebrow at him.
"It's Armin's birthdate, isn't it?"
"Maybe..." he replies, indignantly avoiding eye contact.
I type in the eight digits, rolling my eyes rather fondly. But don't tell him that last bit.
When the screen flickers unlocked, an old picture of Eren and Armin with their faces squished together pops up as his phone wallpaper. I sigh heavily through my nose, clicking on the messaging icon.
"Can you stop with the noises and shit?" spats the ever angry man child that I classify as my friend (I use the term loosely).
Scrunching up my nose, I laugh, "Fight me, I like to sigh." When he doesn't advance in my direction, I look back down at his phone, searching for the right thread.
I scroll to the oldest possible messages exchanged between the two which are a couple months old. Moving to fully sit on the table, I take a quick moment to mentally prepare for bullshit because knowing Eren...
...
A- Hey, Eren? Are you alright? Mikasa told me what happened. I'm sorry things didn't pull through with Krista like you were hoping they would.
E- yeah
A- I know how happy she made you, you must be devastated.
E- not rly tbh
A- No?
E- nah
E- ive had my eye on sum1 else 4 a while now
A- Okay, um, wow.
A- You know I'm more than willing to listen to you talk for hours but sweet Mother Theresa on the hood of a Mercedes-Benz, Eren. Do your grammar skills not extend far enough to breach the digital world?
E- right sorry
A- Eren.
A- Sweetheart, please.
A- Punctuation and proper capitalization included. You know how I feel about these things.
E- *Right, sorry.
A- So? Who's the lucky gal?
E- It's, um, actually... a guy.
A- Eren! You're gay and you didn't tell me? I'm your best friend! :'(
E- I know, I know, Armie. If this were any other situation, I would have definitely told you first. It's complicated, though.
A- I understand. So you fancy a man?
E- Yeah, you.
A- What?
E- Oops, sorry!
E- *Yeah, you?
A- ... Yes. For a while for now.
E- And?
A- I often think that it'll never go anywhere, this infatuation.
E- What makes you say that?
A- As quite recently discovered, he's into someone else, probably someone much more well-suited than myself. Additionally, he's rather gorgeous; I look like a pallid, sickly, twit beside him.
E- Armie, that's not true. I think you're very pretty. 'Specially your eyes, those are amazing. They're like oceans.
E- No, the sky!
A- I reckon your eyes are the better pair of ours. They hold more emotion than mine. Rage, determination, passion, love. When you look at me, I'm always left in awe, even after all these years. I love the way you hold my gaze, so tenderly.
E- Yours are just as passionate. Just about different things. I mean, you are a different person, quirky almost. In a good way.
A- Hardly.
E- It's cute, how different you are. Christ, you're cute.
A- You're easier on the eyes.
E- I'm all jagged and brash. You're soft, all around. If someone had to pick between dating you or me, they'd most definitely choose you, Armin. You're fantastic.
A- I'm a huge dork, they'd choose you. The handsome one always gets the girl.
A- Or in our case, guy.
E- People dig dorkiness nowadays.
A- Not many, though. I'd pick you.
E- Obviously. You couldn't date yourself.
A- Ren, you know what I mean.
E- Yeah. I do.
E- The ocean meets the sky.
A- Come again?
E- Our eyes.
A- Beautiful, Eren. Simply beautiful.
...
Exaggeratedly clearing my throat, I call, "Bullshit," tossing his phone onto the table beside me and pressing my middle fingers into my temples. If I thought Adv. Trig was frustrating, nothing compares to this idiocy.
"What?"
"It's worse than I thought; you're both oblivious shits!"
"Oi!"
"Armin's supposed to be the smart one of our group!"
"Are you questioning his wisdom? How dare!"
"Listen to yourself, you're fucking besotted and still haven't done anything about it?"
"He might not like me! What if he's just being a nice? Armin's a naturally flirty person, everybody knows that! What if he rejects me? That would ruin our entire friendship and I cannot, will not lose that!" His jaw sets tight which I've observed to occur when he's feeling overworked or upset. Common sense tells me it's the latter.
Sighing and closing for my eyes for a full minute to grasp my calm demeanor, I stand up straight. Re-attaining his phone, I make sure to keep my tone civil as I say,
"You clueless shitwad. In the midst of all that flirting, neither of you thought to ask the other out? If you or him had just said something, the whole Krista thing could've been avoided. And let's be honest, nobody thought you two went well together." He almost solemnly shrugs in agreement. "But look at this sappy garbage!" I scroll through the messages, all the way back down to the most recent one from earlier today. "You two are practically married, may as well skip the dating phase and get hitched."
"As if you and Marco are any better!"
"At least we got our shit together. You and Armin have been dancing around each other for way too long, it's honestly sickening."
"I can't just outright be all, 'Hey, Armie, I fancy you and want to snog the daylights out of you on a daily basis. Want to go out some time soon?' That's absurd, Jean."
"That's a half-assed attempt and you know it. What would you really say? Because you're actually a hopeless romantic, I've known so for years."
"You've got me there," he mumbles, eyes slipping close as he gives it a moment of thought. Him doing this gives me an open window to dial the currently on-screen contact and press speaker, gently placing the phone on the table and slightly nudging it towards him.
"Practice on me," I offer to which he immediately gags and retorts,
"I'm not into bestiality."
"Eren, just, come on. And be classy," I encourage. He groans but shifts his body to fully face me.
"Armin," he begins, flashing an admittedly dazzling smile, "We've known each other for practically our entire lives and I wouldn't trade that fact for the world. I originally thought I saw you as a brother but one day, I realized it was so much more and I've be in absolute love ever since. With you, in case that wasn't clear. I find you to be absolutely prepossessing. I learned that word from you, by the way. But more, importantly, I love everything about you and was wondering if you'd be willing to let me physically show you how much. How does a date sound? I know this wonderful picnic area where the ocean meets the sky. Would that work for you?"
Armin's voice crackles over the speaker, "Eren, oh my god, yes, a thousand times, yes. Does this Saturday sound like a good day? Or is that too early? Should I wear anything in particular? Is there anything you need me to bring? Do you want to meet there? Where even is there? Oh, Eren, I love you too! Where are you? I need to see you! I have to tell Gran! God, Eren, I don't know what to say! This isn't doubt, though, oh heavens no! My answer is yes! Still, always, forever yes!"
After the initial realization of what just happened subsides, Eren merely tosses his head back and laughs, eyes practically glowing with mirth.
"Why are you laughing?" Armin asks as Eren picks up the phone, turning speaker mode off. He holds it up to his ear and I barely make out the worried words, "Is this a joke? Oh my god, it is, isn't it? I should've known, I just-"
"Armie, no, it's all true, every bit," ensures Eren in a disgustingly sweet coo. "I promise. I'm just really happy. Like, really, really happy."
"Me too, Ren."
I take this as my cue to head out and leave them to each other before it gets any mushier. As I pack my supplies into my bookbag, I can't help smiling in satisfaction. Knowing I'll get major props from the rest of our group for finally getting them together, I bite my lip to refrain from laughing out loud.
Stepping aside to the door, I stand for just a moment longer, watching how animatedly Eren's chattering away into the mic. No doubt Armin is just as ecstatic.
Shit-eating grin firmly etched into my face, I turn, about to open the door when something bumps me on the back of my neck. Looking over my shoulder and seeing the Cheetos bag bounce to a halt on the floor, I let out the chuckle I was suppressing.
Eren mouths a smiling, 'Thanks, horseface,' and in his eyes I see the unadulterated appreciation.
I tuck my coffee mug under my elbow to flash him two-thumbs up. Quickly picking up and throwing away my trash, I actually leave the study room this time.
"Anytime, Jaeger," I mumble, bring my cup to my lips. "You piece of shit."