Tuesday, July 30, 2154

Mama,

I think I've made a mistake and I'm not sure how to fix it, or even if I want to. I love Leo. I know he would give me the world if I asked for it. He is everything to me. But I got… distracted. It was my own fault.

I have far too much time on my hands now that Leo and Papa are away together in San Diego several days a week.

It was just supposed to be a harmless diversion, like the boys I used to toy with before Leo. They were never anything special. I would let them get just close enough to think they could have me, then toss them aside. I had a little bit of fun with a couple of them... as an experiment. Just enough to avoid compromising my virtue, anyway. It was unfortunate what happened to them. Rumor has it that Papa found out and did something about it, which is entirely possible, but it isn't as though he would tell me if it were the case. And he never touched Leo, but I think he's always had a soft spot for Leo. He probably knew what we were up to all along and let it go because he had plans for Leo. The man is so damn subtle in his manipulations it's scary sometimes.

But after the tattoo I thought this boy would just be another diversion, even though I think I knew deep down I wanted something more from him. How could I not after… what he did for me. Ever since that unforgettable afternoon I haven't been able to strike the image of his face from my mind. He looked so shell-shocked when it happened. When the exquisite sensations he was causing made me come while I was still fully clothed. But in spite of my reaction, he still managed to finish the design, and to do a beautiful job with it, too. It almost seemed like he knew it was about to happen at the end and urged me along. I still start to tingle a little when I think about it and it's been two weeks, and he's had his hands on me in so many other places since.

I'm pretty sure I knew I wanted him even before he'd finished the tattoo. There was something in his eyes when he first started to relax around me. And the things he said. He was so cute when he started to flirt. And so good at it, too. It made me relax and I hadn't realized until then that I'd been nervous as hell, too.

I think maybe it was the look in his cool grey eyes afterward that really did me in. He wouldn't look directly at me and I was a little too stunned myself after the incident to really think straight, but I could see how much he wanted me at that moment, yet he held back. I wanted him then. So much I almost entirely forgot about my promise to Leo.

I think the experience did a number on him anyway, considering how he avoided me like the plague for the rest of the week.

Now I understand what you meant in your journal when you spoke of obsession and consequences. You became obsessed with someone else and were torn between two men. One who truly loved you, and one who possessed you physically in a way that made you feel things you'd never felt before.

I thought one night and then it would be done - I'd have it out of my system - but it wasn't so simple. I hadn't even planned it when it happened. I'd forgotten to pay him for the tattoo, I was so... dazed from the experience. At first I thought I would make up for not paying him by showing him Papa's collection, since I knew how much he liked art... that was pretty much all I knew about him by then. But it backfired in a way I never anticipated. When he finally showed his face again - beaten and bloodied from a fight with his father, it turned out - something deeper awakened in me. It was like Leo all over again. I wanted to ease his hurts. Show him the tenderness he seemed to be missing.

But then he did so many things… said things... that made me realize he was more than just a toy. I identified with him on a level that I hadn't with Leo, and he made me feel things - physical things - that I haven't felt with Leo since the beginning.

Now I can't stop thinking about him and the way he makes me feel. And there's no way I can let Leo find out, it would destroy him and he means everything to me.

I should have ended it already. I keep trying to find the words but they never come. The next time Leo leaves I will tell myself not to call him, to just forget him, but I won't be able to.

He's even tried to end it, too, so I know he's feeling the same conflict I am. I think meeting Leo was what changed things for him. Leo couldn't stop talking about him after he gave him the most beautiful tattoo I've ever seen. It was like mine, but huge and graceful and so detailed. I almost wish I'd had him design mine to begin with. He took a silly little flowery pattern and turned it into a work of art. I almost cried when Leo showed me that night after it was finished.

We managed to go one night apart this past weekend and that was it. But neither of us listen. He keeps sending me pretty little sketches he's done of me... mostly done right after sex when I'm looking most vulnerable. And he still comes when I call even though I can tell he wishes he could say no as much as I do.

It might have stopped that first night, after the first amazing encounter in the pool. I didn't mean for it to go any further, but I knew deep down by then that there was no way I was stopping. The moment he took control I knew it was too late to turn back. Everything was so new, and he still surprises me with his creativity, and he can be very creative when he chooses to be.

There are other little things about him that make it hard not to think of him. He has sad eyes sometimes. I notice when he thinks I'm not looking. I think he thinks of his own mother then. He's spoken of her some, but hasn't said much. I can tell he loved her and misses her. It's still so close to him, her death. But even though it's been fifteen years since I lost you, I still understand where his look comes from.

But then he'll turn to look at me and all I see is how much he wants me. He's impossible to resist when he looks at me that way.

Leo used to give me the same look, but since the beginning of the year he's seemed more... tame. I want Leo's beast back. Being with him used to make me feel so alive, especially when we had to hide it. We would sometimes go for weeks and when we'd finally have the opportunity to be together it was like two starved animals finally being fed. The other day when he was getting the tattoo was the first time in a long time that I'd seen him that way. It was all I could do to keep him from taking things too far when we had an audience. He seemed flustered, watching Leo touch me the way he did. I don't know if it was jealousy or something else, but the few looks we exchanged were what drove it home to me that we were being fools doing what we were doing.

I didn't understand before, but for the first time now I think I know what really happened to you before you died. For so long I only remembered how things had changed those few days just before it happened. How you and Papa fought like you never had before. You never had fought with him before as far as I could remember. Even though I was only six I knew something was wrong. It wasn't until this month when I re-read your journal that it became clear to me what really happened. I also realized you had to have known already what you were going to do, otherwise you wouldn't have known to hide all your journal entries in my personal account before Papa found them. I don't know why that never clicked before.

Your mention of feeling split in two in your journal entries makes sense now. He didn't really kill you, did he? The other man. I don't believe he even really hurt you, at least not physically. But somehow he completely destroyed you. Papa never told me his name - he won't speak it. I think he never will finally get the revenge he seeks because it wasn't the other man who took you away from us. You took yourself away, didn't you? Were you that torn between them that you couldn't choose? Mama, am I doomed to follow in your footsteps?

I believe Papa blames himself for not keeping you closer. I don't know if being closer to Leo would have kept me from doing this or not. I don't know if it's really because he's away for days at a time or if it's because our relationship has become so... commonplace when we're together. I wonder if Papa would have even been able to keep you from straying if he'd kept a tighter hold on you. I have a feeling it wouldn't have worked any better for him, either.

And now that I know he's leaving in a few weeks it makes it that much harder to stay away. He's so nonchalant about it, it drives me mad. I know it's for the best if he's far away. I'm sure he's noticed my change in mood, too. He seems to have distanced himself a little more. He probably thinks it has to do with Leo, that I'm having second thoughts about seeing him, feeling guilty. He knows that's true, but the truth is I don't like the idea of him not in my bed the few nights we have to spend together. I don't love him. But the thought of him gone still hurts for some reason.

I don't know what to do now. I'm stuck loving one man and wanting another and none of it makes any sense. I wish you were here to tell me what to do. I miss you, Mama.