A Friendly Competition
Freddy, Michael, Jason, and Leatherface were sitting on their couch watching TV one night. Well, to be more accurate, Leatherface was watching a cartoon (Star vs. The Forces of Evil to be exact) while Michael and Jason were listening to Freddy. He was talking about what he considered his greatest kills and while Michael wasn't really paying attention, Jason was getting more and more annoyed.
"So I'm walk this kid like a puppet to the top of the hospital and, in front of all his little friends, I cut the strings and let him fall! You could say I cut him loose!" Freddy boomed with laughter at his lame joke. Jason was shaking at this point.
"Now for my next favorite kill." Freddy said. "I call it "Game Over, Spencer!" So I find this stoner kid, some bucktoothed loser like Leather or Hockey Puck."
That was the last straw.
Jason got up and punched Freddy straight in the jaw, knocking him off the couch. Freddy snap his jaw back in place, got back up, and flipped Jason off.
"What the hell was that for Momma's Boy?" Couldn't handle tales from a real slasher?" Jason raised up his machete while Freddy flexed his blades. "Bring it on!" Freddy shouted
If it wasn't for Michael deflecting both their weapons with his knife, they would have painted the whole living room red with each other's blood.
I'm talking rainbows. I'm talking puppies. Blah blah blah….
"Where the hell is that awful song coming from?" Freddy asked. The three kings of horror finally looked at the TV to see yet another children's cartoon on the screen.
"Goddamn it Leatherface! I said no more kid's shows. I know you're not right in the head, but you're still an adult. Fucking act like it!" Leatherface started tearing up as Freddy grabbed the remote.
"What the hell are you watching anyway?" Freddy pressed the INFO button and read the bio.
"Star vs. huh? Heh. I'd like to see how that bitch would handle a nightmare like me."
Leatherface giggled as he imagined Star kicking Freddy in the crotch repeatedly.
"Well I'm bored. Anyone got any ideas?" Freddy asked. Jason responded by raising his machete a little friendlier than last time, indicating that he wanted to kill.
"We kill all the time Jason! We need something to spice it up." Michael tapped Freddy on the shoulder and showed him a sheet of paper and a pencil. He wrote on the paper and showed it to Freddy. It read:
"Let's make it a competition."
Freddy's face brightened. "That's a great idea! We'll pick some teenagers, and who ever kills the most is the winner!" He turned to Jason. "How's that sound!?" Jason raised his machete happily as did Michael with his knife. Leatherface turned on his chainsaw and giggled with glee.
"Alright! Let's go!"
The four psychos started up their car and drove outta town. After a while, they got to the next city. While on the road, they scanned every nightclub, Movie Theater, and anywhere else they thought would be teenagers.
At last they spotted a group of five youths coming out of the mall. There were three guys and two girls. One of the girls was obviously a slut. She wore only a tiny tank top and an even tinier miniskirt with sandals, all in pink. She was making out with a buff guy in a black T-shirt and green cargo shorts. And when I say buff, I mean he looked like he was on steroids.
The second guy was an Indian, an actual Indian, not a Native American. He had thick glasses and was reading a book. Clearly he was the nerd of the group.
The third guy was African-American. He was shouting incoherent things and dancing about. The slashers couldn't tell if he was drunk or high, but one thing was for sure; this dude was crazy!
And finally, the other girl was quiet, had a cross around her neck, and freckles on her face.
The killers climbed out of the car. "Alright, here's the plan!" Freddy said. "There are five little piggies and four of us. Whoever kills the most of them is the winner!" The three silent killers nodded in agreement and went their separate ways.
The five teenagers went to the virgin's house because her parents were away for the weekend. The fool lit up a joint while the athlete and the whore went to the master bedroom for a little "studying." The scholar helped the virgin with her homework.
They weren't in there for five minutes and already the athlete and the whore had stripped off each other's clothes and were getting busy. The whore was a little tired so she just let her boyfriend do all the work.
"Hey babe! Can I try something new?" The athlete asked.
"Whatever." The whore responded. Suddenly she felt a sharp sensation next to her legs, as if someone was slicing her with a knife.
"What the hell are you doing?" She was greeted with the horribly burned face of Freddy Krueger smiling at her.
"Told you I want to try something new bitch! Sorry if I'm a little kinky!" As he said this, Freddy raised up his bloody blades. The whore screamed as Freddy gouged out her eyes and raked his blades across her abdomen.
The scholar and the virgin heard the screaming coming from the master bedroom. The fool was too stoned/drunk to notice. They ran into the room and were horrified to see the athlete, naked and covered in blood, standing over the bed were the mutilated corpse of his girlfriend lay.
"Dude! What the fuck did you do!?" The scholar asked.
"I didn't do it! She was asleep. I was doing her and then suddenly she just exploded." As he said this, the athlete was putting his boxers back on.
"I'm calling the police!" The virgin said. The athlete opened the window next to the bed and jumped out. He began running down the street, approaching Jason in his panic. Jason pointed his machete in the athlete's direction. By the time he knew what was happening, it was too late for him to stop and he ran right into Jason's machete. Jason raised it up, slicing the hapless teen in half from the waist up. As the body fell, Jason caught a glimpse of the athlete's friends, who had witnessed the whole thing from the open window. He began walking toward them.
"Crap!" The scholar and the virgin ran to the living room to warn their friend who was still sitting on the couch, stoned beyond belief. The two pulled him up to his feet and began walking to the front door.
"Get off me you damn pigeons!" He slapped both of their hands away from him and started freaking out. The alcohol in his blood was overwhelming the weed. Michael suddenly appeared and jammed his knife into the fool's back. He raised him up and smashed his head against the ceiling, killing him instantly.
The scholar and the virgin ran to the car out front. They drove off as fast as they could from the house, hell-bent on getting the police. They were very scared and confused. What was going on? Where these monsters killing their friends? Will they be able to survive?
At last the police station was in sight. "There it is!" yelled the scholar. "We're almost there."
"Thank god!" The virgin said. "At last we can-
She never got to finish her sentence. Leatherface swiped his chainsaw through the windshield, decapitating the scholar in the process. The car swerved and crashed into a tree, sending the virgin flying out the broken windshield. She was bloodied and bruised but otherwise okay. She limped as fast as she could to a nearby farm. She entered the forgotten building, closed the door behind her and cried on the floor for a good hour.
Leatherface's chainsaw ripped through the door like nothing. He entered the barn along with Michael and Jason. The virgin tried to crawl away from the killers, only to bump into Freddy. With slashers at all sides, it seemed hopeless for the virgin. Then she got an idea. She stood up and let the slashers ready their weapons. Just as they were about to strike, she ducked down again. A few seconds afterward, blood began to trickle down onto the virgin. She smiled.
Freddy's right arm had been severed by Jason's machete, but not before his blades had slashed Michael's face and mask, creating four very deep cuts. Michael, in turn, had plunged his knife into Leatherface's stomach. The cannibalistic redneck cried out in pain and fell to his knees, gripping the hilt of the knife tightly. He had forgotten about poor Jason, who had Leatherface's still-running chainsaw wedged into his skull.
All four slashers had been beaten. By a virgin. Again.
The virgin ran away and contacted the police. By the time they got to the barn, however, the slashers were nowhere to be found.
The four serial killers were back home on the couch. Freddy had a bandana wrapped around the place where his arm used to be connected to the rest of his body, so as to keep it in place. Michael had four stiches across his mask. Jason had bandages wrapped around his head and the top of his mask was cracked. Leatherface had one huge bandage on his stomach.
"Considering that we each killed one teenager and we all got beat by that virgin bitch, I think it's safe to call our game a draw. We all are the best killers out there." Freddy said
Michael, Jason, and Leatherface nodded in agreement.
We are the Crystal Gems! We'll always save the day…
Freddy, Michael, and Jason noticed that Leatherface had changed the channel to cartoons again. This time he was watching Steven Universe.
"Godammit Leatherface!" Freddy yelled.
The End