It's dark outside, dark inside and she's wet, and so cold she can feel it in her soul. And yet, she stays, silent and still and waits. She's been waiting for days, feels the hours wax and wane and creep inexorably by.
Her heart is heavy tonight.
She doesn't think she could move if she tried. Her eyes are fixed on the door, on the deadbolts that he put there to keep the darkness out. He meant well, she knows, but it's dark in and it's dark out and her world is crashing down. She takes a drag on her cigarette, apologises and promises it's her last as she flicks the ash on the floor, and sucks the smoke into her lungs. Where there's smoke there's fire she thinks.
Where there's fire there's life.
This is her last chance. If he walks in that door, tonight, she's going to put everything between them to rights. She'll tell him. If he's gone, lost to her forever, this is the end of the line. She shuts her eyes tight. She hasn't got a plan past this point, but she knows that if he's not coming home, if he's left her on her own, her life is over. She can't do this alone. She's a Gryffindor she thinks bitterly.
Brave and bright and fiery.
But he's got that with him, she poured her courage and her light and her fire, everything she was made of, into him. He's got it, and he took it with him and if he doesn't come back, she's not going to make it. And, you know, she tried so very hard, at the start. He broke her down, wore her out and she let down her guard and let him in. And she tried to resist, she truly did. But he loved her and she couldn't help loving him. And now, now she can't do without him. Dimly, she hears the clock strike. It's almost midnight. If he's not here soon, she knows, he'll never come back at all. And it will kill her, she knows this too.
Soft and swift and silently.
She shuts her eyes, and lets her mind wander. Feels the darkness closing in on her. Sweet Circe, she's so tired. Deep down bone weary. She thinks that this war, this love are one and the same. Always fighting to stay upright, survive, stay alive. And the panic. Never in her life has she been so very afraid for another person. Never in her life has she been less sane. It as if, when he's with her, every little piece falls into place. And when he leaves, he takes the very core of her with him. Sometimes, she aches with it, loves him so much it hurts. And the worst part about it all is that she'd do anything, absolutely anything to keep it that way.
She'll keep loving him violently.
She feels the shadows shift around her. Her hands are beneath her, numb, but she wills her body still in the darkness. Her eyes strain, seeing nothing and her ears prick up. Her whole body slows, her eyes open wide and she forgets to breathe. There's a change outside of this tiny little room, she can feel it. She waits, and her heart hammers wildly in her chest. It's so quiet the silence seems to fill the entire room. There's a sudden flare of wandlight from the keyhole, and the door swings open.
The room is flooded in moonlight.
She sucks in a breath as hysterical laughter bubbles in her throat, and his name, when it finally comes, is a whisper. She drinks in the sight of him, tall and broad shouldered silhouetted in the doorway; black hair dishevelled and falling in his eyes, bright beneath his glasses. The roar inside her head grows louder, and as he says her name, just once, reverently, something inside her bursts. Her heart, possibly, but no matter, because she's thrown herself across the room, and he's holding her tight against him, one hand fisted in her hair as the other cradles her cheek. And she's kissing him, kissing him because he's back, he's really here, and Gods, how did she even breathe without him before? When they finally, at last break apart, her arms are wound around his neck and his glasses are fogged;
and she's never seen anything more beautiful in her entire life.
"James…" she murmurs against his neck. "James, I have something to tell you." She feels his Adams apple bob as he swallows and it's now or never, she thinks. She pulls back to look at him properly, breathes deep. She feels the question in his eyes, as his brow wrinkles a little. "James, you're….I'm….We're….goingtohaveababy!" she manages finally, the last part coming out
high and lightning quick.
He blinks once and is silent and she's going to cry, she thinks and she can't believe she's ruined everything. And then a grin suddenly spreads across his face, and he lights up and she does cry, because she's been so terrified for the last six weeks thinking about this moment, and Gods, she's not ready for a baby! She's nineteen for crying out loud- nineteen! And then he's gently wiping away her tears and telling her he loves her, Lily, and hey, everything's going to be okay, and he's kissing her.
And he's back, and this is home she thinks, and maybe, just maybe, they're going to make it.
fin