A/N: HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!! EVERYONE RUN AND HIDE!!!!! AHH!!!! I'm back with a new insane story! I totally fell in love w/ Dominic Monaghan when I saw him on this special on TV. He had a beard and no Hobbit hair, and it was kinda spiky and DAMMIT HE WAS HOTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, here we go again!

" " means Elvish.

Alanna and Reiluna, a.k.a. Rei, were walking down the street, guy scouting. Neither had boyfriends, and they figured they'd just do a little flirting. Flirting was harmless, wasn't it? Yeah, right. Anyway. They were guy scouting. We've established this, so we're moving on now.

"Ooh. . .Look at that one!"

"Nah, THAT one!"

"Oh. . ." Alanna had fallen in love. That guy was SO hott!!! I mean, wow. . . This guy, was, of course, Merry several feet taller, minus shaggy hair, plus hair gel and slight beard. Dammit, he's hott! "I like THAT one!"

"Then go talk to him!" Rei encouraged. Then she saw hers. "I'm gonna get that one." I was, of course, Legolas in modern clothes and unarmed, complete with blue eyes and long blonde hair.

"You do that, hun." Rei went and did. She had always been the straightforward one with guys. She'd never been able to talk to them without a good reason or they were her friends. This was a complete stranger. Still, you never knew until you tried, right?

Alanna walked up to him and said, "Hi," rather shyly. She decided she'd need to be more confident. "Hi," she said again, more confidently. She crossed her fingers and hoped as he turned around.

Whoa, Merry thought. She's hot! Gorgeous blonde hair, lovely blue eyes, pale skin, shorter than me, for once, pale skin. . .she's pretty! "Hey," he said out loud.

"I'm Alanna," she said.

"I'm M. . .Jon," he said, correcting himself. You left all that behind. You're not a Hobbit anymore.

"It's nice to meet you," she said. She noticed Rei looking at her. She sighed. "Under pain of death from my friend, I think you should know that I think you're hot."

He laughed. "Well, I think you're hot too. Do you wanna go grab a soda or something?" That seemed to catch her off guard. She was new to dating. He wondered how old she was, so he asked as they were walking.

She smiled. "I'm eighteen. And you?"

"I'm twenty. Please forgive my saying so, but you seem new to this dating thing."

"I am. I haven't ever had a boyfriend."

"Never? A looker like you, forgive me, but whoa. I find that hard to believe."

"I'm something of a bookworm. I don't really meet people and I tend to keep to myself." Ah. Now he understood the comment about her friend.

"I see. Well, some guys can be stupid, immature, irresponsible, and just plain mean." She gave a delighted laugh. He smiled. He'd loosen her up.

Meanwhile!!!!

"Hi!" Rei said to the hottie blonde, known to us as Legolas.

"Hi," he said back. "I'm Nick."

"I'm Reiluna, but everybody calls me Rei."

"It's nice to meet you, Rei," he said.

"It's nice to meet you, too, Nick. Forgive my saying so, but you're hot!"

"Thanks. You're not that bad yourself. Wanna go hang out?"

"Sure!" And thus began two couples. Ya knew it was gonna happen. The author would like to apologize for anyone disturbed by her insanity, but you knew it was here! If you knew that and you were disturbed by it, why're you reading this shit? Screw off if you don't like it! Okay, now that this has been established, we're gonna move on.

Mean meanwhile. . .

"Okay, so then I got up and I said to him, 'You evil jackass! This topic sucks!' and he just kinda looked at me and said do it girl! And I did. Then I sat back down and he said it was the best he'd ever seen me."

Merry, a.k.a. Jon, had succeeded in his objective to get her to loosen up. He was surprised at how interesting, intelligent and funny she was. This was his kinda girl! If only Pippin could see him now. . . NO! No Pippin. You aren't a Hobbit. You're a human. There is no Ring. That's gone. It's all over. Here's a great girl in front of you, maybe the love of your life. You never know. Concentrate on her.

"Are you okay, Jon?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, fine, thanks."

"What's wrong?"

"Just memories. . ."

"Ah. Memories. They can suck."

"They can." They went back to their casual conversation, both enjoying it.

Aragorn, now known as James, walked down the street, absently glancing into windows. He'd already located Arwen, there were absolutely no wars and there was no Gondor. They could have a nice, relaxing life. Yay!

He glanced into the window of a small diner and stopped. Hold up. . . Was that. . .? That was!! It was Meriadoc Brandybuck! Of all the people to meet! Oh, it seemed as though he was hitting on a girl. Go Merry! Well, he had time. He could wait.

Some hours later, Alanna had to get home. She still had parents she had to obey, so she and Jon said good-bye.

Jon walked down the street happy for the first time in a long time. The memories weren't bothering him much anymore. She had the power to inflict other people with her mood. Quite a remarkable girl. He found he quite liked her. He knew he'd been flirting. He knew she'd tried to flirt back. She'd learn.

He spun around. Someone was following him.

"Very good, Master Brandybuck. Better than I remember."

"Who is that? It can't be Strider, can it?"

The mysterious figure stepped into the light. "Yet Strider it is, my friend! Well met!"

"Well met indeed! What have you been doing with yourself, you crazy old bastard?"

"Now Merry!" He pretended to look hurt. "I've settled down, though, with Arwen. Calls herself Lily now. I'm called James. No need to ask what you've been doing, my friend. I saw that pretty girl!"

Jon blushed. "It's not Merry anymore, Strider. Jon. That's me now. That girl was Alanna. Nice girl. Infects the people around her with her mood. Seeing as how she's usually in a good mood, that's not all that bad a thing, either."

"Yes, I felt it too."

"Don't you have a lady to get home to?"

"Nah, she's out of town."

"Oh. Wanna hang out?"

"Sounds good to me."

"Cool."

So two, seemingly normal men went out to have fun. They went around town, hanging out at various clubs and bars. At one of them. . .

"Oh, by the. . .Merry! I mean, Jon! Look! That can only be Legolas!"

"Whoa! I think you may be right! Let's find out, shall we?"

"We shall!"

"Hello, Legolas, well met again." Aragorn crossed his fingers, hoping against hope.

The man spun around. "Aragorn Elessar, by the Valar is that you? And Merry Brandybuck with you! My, this is a merry meeting!" Both of the other men smiled. This was going well. "Oh, and look who I found!" the Elf added.

"Holy shit, I think it's Strider and Merry!"

"It is, Pippin," Legolas told the poor, stupid Hobbit-that-wasn't-a-Hobbit- anymore.

"Oohh. . . Hi Merry! Hi Strider!"

"Uh, Pip, it's James and Jon now," Merry, I mean. . .Oh shit, he's glaring daggers at me. If looks could kill. . .Anyway.

"And Nick and Brian now," said Legol. . .Dammit, now HE'S mad at me!!! And, BTW, not BSB related in any way. ~Well, I had to tell the audience somehow who you lot were!~

"Yeah, and they KNEW that Jon was Merry, sorry Jon, and Legolas was Nick, sorry Nick."

~So? Your point is? I happen to like the old names better! And it's so much less confusing to use them!!~

"Shut the hell up and get on with the story!" Ara. . .James said, pulling Anduril out of thin air.

~Hey! Where'd you get that? You're not supposed to have it yet!~

"With this lapse in authorly concentration, I can do whatever I damn well please! Now GET ON WITH THE STORY so we can get the hell out of here!"

~MEEP!~

"Damn straight!" With that, I, being the author, made Anduril disappear and got on with the story, while censoring all the angry comments about insane authors.

"Hey, that looks like Frodo!" shouted Me. . .I mean. . .JON over all the noise.

"Man, this is weird!" called Pippin. He doesn't mind, do ya, Pip?

"Not particularly."

~See? I like him! He's funny and kinda cute, AND nicer than big, mean, evil, if very sexy Rangers, nasty Elves, and annoying little ex-Hobbits who happen to be pretty damn cute themselves.~ (All but Pip glare) ~Screw you all.~

"What's weird, Brian?" shouted Nick.

"That the Fellowship plus Arwen is getting together again! Next thing you know, we'll be meeting Elrond or something!" He's smarter than people think.

"By the Valar, Estel?"

"Lord Elrond? Holy shit!" That being Estel. (glares) I meant James.

"Language, Estel. For the idiot psychotic author, my name is now Kevin."

~God damn you lot and your crazy names! I can't keep 'em all straight! ARGH!!!!~

"Screw you, and get going!"

~What, you wanna screw me?~

"That's sick."

~Oh well. I have a dirty mouth and an even dirtier mind.~

"Yeah, we noticed."

"And there IS Frodo! And Sam! Yay!!" Go Pippin!

"Our names," Frodo glares at the psycho-bitch author, "are Alex and Rich."

~DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait 'til you lot see what I'm gonna do to you!!! Just wait!! I think I'll be nice to Pippin, though. He's nice to me.~

"Thanks!"

~You're welcome.~

Anyway, the lot of 'em met up and they hung out, meeting up with Gimli a.k.a. Harry, and Boromir, a.k.a. David. I hate these new names. . .

So the lot of them decided to find a place to stay where they could all stay. They pooled their money and rented a very large hotel room. Still, some ended up sleeping on the couch and Ar. . .dammit, James ended up on the floor. In the middle of the night, Lily showed up. She's Arwen. She curled up with James and all were happy. Until I came along. Muahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the middle of the night, an hour after Lily showed up. . .

"AH!!!!!!!!! HELP SOMEONE, PLEASE!!!!!!!!"

"Hey, that sounded like Alanna!" Jon said.

The screams repeated and all went to see what was wrong, James muttering about stupid author-wenches who wouldn't give him his Anduril back.

Alanna was fighting hard against one of Los Nazguls. The Nazgul, the Witch King was holding Anduril. Get it now Aragorn! HA! Anyway, the Fellowship plus Elrond and Arwen stared and then got involved. Aragorn stole Anduril back, courtesy of Pippin, and everyone else was fighting with whatever they could get. It ended when Aragorn nearly removed the Witch King's head and it ran.

"Hi, Alanna," Jon said.

"Hi Jon. Who are these people?"

He made introductions until he got to Nick.

"Legolas!" she gasped.

"Leliane!" he gasped back.

"You know each other?" James asked.

"She was my sister. . .back then. During the Quest."

"Ah. I see." Poor Aragorn. He was so confused.

"Okay, great. Wonderful. Now that we've established this, what the hell are we supposed to do?" Jon was very confused too. Poor babies.

"Well, it seems as though the Nazgul have returned," observed Elrond. "We've been brought together for a reason. Perhaps the Ring was not destroyed, only. . .moved." No one's noticing the names I'm using! YAY!!!

"And now Sauron has returned, here and now, and we are meant to destroy it again," Alanna finished.

"Yes," said Elrond.

-Dammit- thought Merry. -And here I was, looking forward to a quiet life.-

"Then we must destroy the Ring," Frodo said.

"First we must find it," said Boromir with the little wisdom he had ever shown.

"Hey!" Boromir yelled.

~It's true!!~

"Whatever, just move on." Obviously, the Elven Lord of Rivendell was getting tired of this. Okay, we can do that.

"I say we find Rei. She can arm us. She's got those things hanging around. Maybe, also, she's seen something that can be of assistance to us," said Alanna, Leliane.

"Leli, you have something too," Legolas reminded her.

She shot a glare at him. "Not anything we can use."

"Oh. Right."

"What? What does Leliane have?" inquired Aragorn.

"Nothing, absolutely nothing, so I suggest you stay out of it, Ranger Boy," she snapped, using the pet-name Legolas had used for him. Though they had never met, she knew of him. Legolas had spoken of him much.

"Hey!" he protested loudly.

"Shut up, the lot of you!" Boromir cried. "Let's find this Rei person and destroy the damn thing, then get back to our regularly scheduled lives!"

"AMEN!" the rest of the Fellowship cried, and all went in search of Rei.

Said Elf-girl was hangin' in the 'hood. . .I mean. . .Ahem. She was at her house, polishing some of the weapons she horded.

She was in the middle of mending a quiver of arrows when there was a heavy knock on her door. "Yeah, yeah, I'm coming."

"Alanna? Oh, hey, come. . ." She trailed off at the sight of the other, what, eleven people with her.

"Rei," Leli said, "we have a bit of a crisis situation."

"Explain, please, but first come in." All entered. "Now explain."

Alanna started talking in a very fast Elvish, which none but Aragorn, Legolas, Arwen, and Elrond could understand. When she was done, Rei flipped and cursed vehemently in said language. Elrond was speechless, which sent Aragorn, Arwen, and Legolas into fits of hysterical giggles. It didn't happen often that Lord Elrond was rendered speechless!

"All right. You've got your sword thingie," she said, pointing at Aragorn.

"Hey! I'll have you know that. . ."

"Yeah, yeah. Okay, Alanna, you'll probably want a sword. You're best with one. Elves mostly go for bows so. . ."

Elrond interrupted. "I'd prefer a spear if you have one."

"Yes, okay. For you. . .a sword looks best." She was referring to Boromir. She was left with Gimli and the Hobbits. "Let's see. . ."

"I'll take an axe," Gimli said.

"Good. I have one just the size for you. Now for you lot." She mumbled to herself pulling out the said weapons, and deciding on short swords for the ex-Hobbitses.

Thus armed, they set out to locate the Ring. Unfortunately for them, I'm the author. Heh! I sure as hell ain't gonna make it easy for 'em! Well, maybe for SOME of the people. . .

"SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET ON WITH THE DAMN STORY!!!!!!!!!!!"

MEEP!! Moving on. . .

The Fellowship plus Elves walked around lookin' for the Ring. Legolas and Rei had decided to go steady and were holding hands, looking high and low with their keen Elf vision. Merry and Leli/Alanna, haven't decided which I wanna use yet, were still flirting, as Leli, I've decided, was still new at the dating game.

Finally, Leli pointed. "Ooh. . .Look!!!!"

They looked. "Hey! That's it!!!"

"Okay, Pippin, you go get it!"

"Why me?"

"'Cuz the author bithc likes you!"

"Oh." *GULP* The Ring happened to be in a bird's nest on the ledge of a very, VERY high building.

Shaking, Pippin climbed to the floor the nest was on and made his way to the window the nest was in front of. Then he opened the window and did the bravest thing he'd ever done. He climbed out and started inching his way over to the nest. Once there, he bent over and grabbed the Ring. The bird, though, was not happy. It pecked at poor Pippin, and he losted his balance. At this point, the author used her authorly powers to make Aragorn, Elrond, and Legolas get together and catch him. Can't have the only nice character die!

With much mumbling, the Fellowship attempted to find the way to Mordor.

"That way!"

"No, THAT way!"

"No, no, you're both wrong! It's THAT WAY!"

Plainly things were not going well.

"Guys?" Merry tried.

"Shut up, Merry, we're discussing."

"Guys!"

"Shut up Merry!"

"GUYS! I HAVE A MAP!!!"

That got their attention. ~Sorry, Merry. They can be pretty annoying.~

"Tell me about it," he grumbled. "Look. Mordor's this way!"

"Okay, let's go!"

"Wait, who's carrying it?" This asked by Frodo. Everyone looked at Aragorn.

"Oh, no. You are NOT getting me to cart that thing to Mordor!!!"

Ten minutes later, the entire Fellowship except Aragorn was looking smug. Said Ranger was grumbling under his breath.

In about an hour, the Fellowship came to Mordor. They slipped in, all however many of them there were, what, 13? How you ask? Pippin asked me to! I couldn't say no! So they got in, destroyed the Ring, yadda yadda. Fortunately, Ranger Boy didn't succumb to the lure of the damn thing.

"Are we done yet?" asked Legolas, looking at Rei, who blushed.

~No, I've gotta do the epilogue.~

"Then hurry up and do it!" snapped Aragorn.

~Meow! Ahem. . .~

Eventually, Legolas and Rei married. Aragorn and Arwen settled down and had many wonderful children. Elrond settled down in a substitute Rivendell. Gandalf, whom I forgot to mention, opened a magic shop and got really, really rich. Pippin had the time of his life flirting his ass off, until he met the one. Then he settled down. Sam settled down with Rosie, again. Who'm I missing? Ah, Boromir. Boromir met Eowyn. 'Nuff said. Frodo went and chilled in his apartment, 'til he met his chick. Merry and Leliane dated for a while, then married, settled down, and had two kids. All in all, life was good all around.

"Are we done NOW?" inquired Frodo.

~Yeah, yeah. You're done now.~

For some odd reason, all the characters in this story, Nazgul included, couldn't stop cheering.