Dear idiotic and good-for-nothing readers,

Greetings. I am Professor Severus Snape , Potions Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. If you are wondering why I even started this advice column, it is all because of that reprehensible Headmaster of Hogwarts, who forced me into writing this damn blasted column 'to get closer to my students'. What a ridiculous suggestion. I think the students have enough detention from me to get 'close enough to me'.

However, I still have to obey the Headmaster's orders. Hence, I feel that it is extremely unfortunate that Professor Albus Dumbledore has forced me to take an Unbreakable Vow that I would ' truthfully, fully, and answer without any delay' your moronic questions. I have also sworn not to 'harm any of you disgusting students in any way, either bodily or emotionally, if you send in your questions to me'. (Imagine Professor Snape gritting his teeth as he writes this paragraph.)

I have a warning to give out to all students. If any of you dare to send in questions concerning my personal life, especially my love life, I will guarantee that I will search unceasingly for a loophole in the Unbreakable Vow that will allow me to make your death as slow and painful as possible. Your death, for your information, will include the Cruciatus Curse. Which will be cast repeatedly. That should be enough warning to make you students avoid that topic.

(If any of you students send in any suggestions on how to murder the Headmaster without leaving any trace, I will be indebted to you for life, and 300 points will go to your house. Yes, even Gryffindor is included.) N.B. The bracketed words in the paragraph above were hastily scribbled over with a narrow and loopy handwriting that says," Professor Snape is presently... unavailable. Please send in your questions, and Professor Snape will answer them to the best of his ability.)

Owl in your questions to Professor Snape's study, and the answers will be in the Hogwarts school newspaper by next Tuesday.

Yours sincerely,

Professor S. Snape

Post Script: If any of you idiots get hurt in any possible way by my sarcastic and unfeeling responses, I am completely not held responsible, as it is none of my business. Go to Madam Pomfrey instead. So there.

Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters. I do not earn any profit from writing this.