Can't Run Anymore, a detective conan/case closed fanfic

Disclaimer:

I don't own Detective Conan/Case Closed. All rights belong to its owner.

A/N:

This is something I was just writing aimlessly. So it's just a one-shot.

-Words in italics are lyrics of the song Evanescence-October. You can hear it while reading, it will help.

Can't Run Anymore

Sitting before the screen, all I can see is calculations and equations concerning the cure of APTX 4869.. my perfect poison which happened to get an extraordinary result and I... Only I, am the one who could get a cure back of this shrunken plight. Suddenly, the sound of the pressing buttons on the keyboard had stopped and I found myself staring at the screen blankly as though I was taking a rest mentally. Without my least realization, I found myself releasing a long sigh.

I can't run anymore,
I fall before you,
Here I am,
I have nothing left,

I don't know what to do. I have to make the antidote for him. . . Just for him. My mind tells me that I have ruined his life and no one but me should be the one who returns him back to his normal great life but. . . It's so hard. My heart is telling me that I can't just let him go like this. He was the only one to bring me back to the sweetness of life. He showed me that there is still honesty and trust worthiness hidden somewhere in this world. He gave me his trust. I couldn't have imagined that he can forgive me for what I have done in his life but with all his rectitude, he gave me his sincerity and promised to protect me. I was astounded by finding an honorable person besides my sister. He gave me a shaft of hope when I was drowned in the dark.

Though I've tried to forget,
You're all that I have,
Take me home,
I'm through fighting it,

I am fighting my heart back to stop its way from revealing my feelings for him. I have already lost my control once, telling him that I would wish to stay as Ai Haibara forever and forget everything I've been through in my drastic past and live my life just like now with him... Only him. It was a sudden slip out of my lips, I didn't realize what I have said until I found his confused blushing face with wide eyes. Here I decided to manage the situation back to its normal and added my trademark 'Just kidding' with it.

Little did he know that it was totally my real desire and my real feelings beneath these little two words. I didn't feel as broken as I do when watching him talking about her or spending his time with her. It seems as if it is written for me to suffer my entire life. I know I can't get over him even if I wanted so it's not that easy. No, it will be the hardest stage in my life trying to get over him even harder than being chased by the Organization. And the hardest point in it is that I am the one who will bring them back together. I am the one who is supposed to make him the antidote which will get him back to his real form as Shinichi Kudou the Great Detective of the East and return back to his dear girlfriend. I will never let my selfishness get over me and abandon working on his precious antidote.

Broken,
Lifeless,
I give up,
You're my only strength,

A flash back came back before my eyes. The picture of his determined eyes when telling me not to run away from my fate. At that moment I had decided to end my suffering and the risk of the others. Guilt overwhelmed me as the feeling of the occurrence of Them between innocent people. The moment when he rescued me from the trapped-hijacked bus. I can't erase those words from my mind even now I am feeling them resonating in my whole world. Even though there is a possibility. No. . . Definitely that he saved me for I can make for him the antidote. However, still the reminiscence will not be erased from my mind.

Without you,
I can't go on,
Anymore,
Ever again.

He has no idea about my feelings for him. Sure, how can he fall in love with someone who destroyed his life? I know Kudou-kun quite well, he is such a perfectionist who sees only one truth and I am nothing to him but a murderer. All that matters and makes him keep me safe by his side is because he needs me to get the cure for him to return back to his precious girlfriend. Why did I fall for such a jerk? I am pretty sure that as soon as I make him the antidote, he would vanish away from my life just the way he entered it but the difference here is that I will get out of all this with a severe mental injury which is gonna hurt me forever.

Dragging me out of my pathetic thoughts,I returned back to my stop-less typing, continuing back my research on the permanent antidote. I heard Kudou's voice out of the blue calling me from outside as my current place was undoubtedly, the basement; It's where I used to lock myself to run away from everybody's eyes. It's a perfect excuse, actually as he needs the antidote. So he won't try to stop me from getting in here. It was so painful to ignore him but my mind managed to beat my heart this time. I bit my lower lip trying to keep concentrating on my work until I found his voice stopped calling my name. Maybe, he was just looking for Professor Agasa anyway and was looking for me to ask about him. I smiled to myself watching my reflection on the facing screen in the darkness; it seemed really a sad one even though I tried to fake it.

Suddenly, my heart skipped a beat and I gasped by the hand touching my shoulder. I turned around immediately by the effect of shock and there, he was. It was Kudou-kun. I turned my face towards the screen again hiding my painful expression clearer, putting on my cold mask again which I used to show to everyone.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." He said with his mild tone as usual which I am dying to beg him to stop using it in order to let me get over him easily.

I didn't know how to reply so I just silenced and kept moving on my work, pressing on the keyboard's keys nonchalantly. It was when I found him grasping my wrist tightly stopping my hand from writing anymore.

I glared at him confusedly, "What do you want?" I asked eventually keeping the best of my cool facade.

"Just have some rest." I heard a hint of concern in his voice but I bet it was nothing but my pathetic imagination picturing things to relieve me.

"Don't you need your antidote?"

"Yes but-" I could see hesitation through his eyes.

"So just don't bother me" I said in monotony, trying to sound it real as I could.

"I need you more." Firstly, I thought my hearing sense is wronging me like my mind did before. My brows furrowed, I wanted to hear his words clearer.

"Sorry? What did you say?" I asked.

"I mean.. I care about you. You are more important than the antidote, is it clear now?" he pulled out the words hardly. Obviously, he was lost of words and I don't know why. He hadn't been like this before. He has always known what to say to everybody.

I can't run anymore,
I give myself to you,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
In all my bitterness,
I ignored,
All that's real and true,
All I need is you,

I failed to hide them anymore, it was just so hard for me to pull my tears in after they were induced by his words.

I turned my face towards the screen once again in an empty hopeless attempt to hide my tears which ran straightaway down my cheeks. I closed my eyes tight as if it would help and I would vanish on the count of three as in fairy tales but the only thing I heard was his shocked voice...

"Ha-Haibara?"

"You are crying?" He asked, disbelievingly. He didn't believe that me, after the cold cover I am always using might melt someday.

When night falls on me,
I'll not close my eyes,
I'm too alive,
And you're too strong,

I didn't answer him. I never dreamed of a situation like this, losing my control on my tear glands. It was like an explosion inside me that I couldn't bear to stop anymore. He took hold of my shoulder and twisted me so that he could face me. To my surprise, he did not try to ask me what's wrong with me or what happened. His reaction was much more staggering to me as I found myself held tightly in his embrace.

"Kudou." I rendered speechless by his compassionate act. I felt his hand stroking some strands from the back of my hair tenderly. I could do nothing but hug him back. Somehow it gave me warmth, my tears stopped falling but this time it was in his embrace not my pillow.

I can't lie anymore,
I fall down before you,
Constantly ignoring,
The pain consuming me,
But this time it's cut too deep,
I'll never stray again.

"It's okay." He whispered through my ears, giving me a quiver running down my spine.

"I will always be right here with you."

I don't know whether to cry or smile but actually I did both. His embrace was too warm for me. His words were too comforting as he has always been. They gave me a chill deep in my heart. Maybe... Just maybe one day, I have a chance.

My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love,
My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love.

Even though I know that he is not meant for me, he always does give me a shaft of hope to cling on, a brave smile landing me in his perfect world once again...

What do you think?

Well, I've written it not on any purpose just while thinking so I'm sorry if it's not that good after all.

Please review..

Edit- 7 reviews ^_^ Well, actually not bad. Ohh I'm so pathetic I reviewed my story instead of reviewing another one accidentally xDD I got into the wrong tab in the browser and I didn't know how to remove it so don't suppose I'm insane for doing so. xDD

~Ninada