A Meeting of LACKS
In the Smallville Drug Store, where time has stood still, sat four men in the back near the soda counter.
On one side of the booth sits DCClark, mind mannered reporter for the Daily Planet on The New Adventures of Lois and Clark television series, sitting beside him is CRClark, definitely bumbling, mild mannered reporter for the Daily Planet from the Superman movies. Across from him is seated GRClark, confident, mild mannered reporter for the Daily Planet from The Adventures of Superman TV series. Next to him is SVClark, dorky farmboy with incredible superhuman powers from the Smallville television series.
"Should we give him a few more minutes?" asked CRClark adjusting his glasses.
"Maybe he's on a mission?" suggested SVClark.
"Nice try, but he's been late the last two years. Apparently his writers didn't give him the punctuality gene," grimaced GRClark. "DC, call the meeting to order."
"The Live Action Clark Kent Society is now in session. Is there any old business?"
All four men stared at the doorway of the drug store.
"Let's not get into that just yet," said SVClark. "How about some milk shakes?" He waved at the soda jerk who approached their booth.
"What would you gentlemen like to have?" asked the high school aged boy.
"Do you still make egg crèmes here?" asked GRClark.
"We sure do!" smiled the boy.
"Good, I'll have one of those."
"I'll have a malted," said CRClark.
"Vanilla shake for me," said DCClark.
"Chocolate shake," said SVClark.
Just then the front door opened and rang the tiny bell attached to its top. In strode a tall man wearing glasses, who tripped on apparently nothing as he bumped into a man looking at the magazine rack. "Oops, sorry."
"Here he comes," whispered CRClark as he watched the man approach their booth.
SRClark, beyond bumbling, mild mannered reporter for the Daily Planet in the Superman Returns movie, pulled over a chair and sat at the head of the table. "Sorry, I'm late," he said. "I had to find a babysitter."
The four other men cringed.
"Still not married yet, huh?" asked GRClark with a sneer.
"Nope. Lois is trying to decide between me and Richard White."
"Can I take your order, sir?" asked the boy impatiently.
"Uh, what are we having?"
"So far an egg crème, a malted, one vanilla shake and one chocolate shake."
"So we're not eating? Okay, I'll have a frappacino."
"We don't have those here," said the boy rolling his eyes.
"Oh yea, I forgot. I'll have the pina colada shake then," said SRClark with pride.
"Don't forget the umbrella!" said GRClark as he stared at SRClark. The boy went off to fill their orders.
"So what were we talking about?" asked SRClark.
"Nothing yet, really," said DCClark.
"Hey, DC switch places with me. I'm a movie Clark and should be sitting beside CRClark. You need to sit with the TV Clarks," said the newcomer.
The four men stared him down.
"Don't move a muscle, DC," said CRClark.
DCClark spoke in his mild mannered explanatory voice, the one he used with THLois when she was off on a tangent. "But CR and I were married to Lois and the rest of you Clarks are single."
"And you have a kid out of wedlock. So you just stay put," grumbled GRClark.
"Hey, I didn't know she was pregnant when I left without telling any body!" shouted SRClark.
"Microvision!" shouted the four men in the booth.
SVClark snickered. "Yea, I don't even have that yet and I know that much."
"You check out your Lois' without them knowing?"
"Yes!" said all four.
"It wouldn't be too smart to tell them, now would it?" said CRClark.
"SVLois would ream me a new one if she knew," said SVClark.
"And THLois," said DCClark.
"Definitely NNLois would," said GRClark.
SRClark sat up taller in his chair. "Well, SRLois is very understanding. She raised my son alone while living with her fiancée. . . "
The four dropped their heads and moaned.
"Did we actually vote this guy in?" asked DCClark in CR's direction.
"There was no actual vote," whispered CRClark.
"Why is that again?" said GRClark.
"We have hope, remember?" offered SVClark.
"Oh yea." They said staring at SR who was watching the soda jerk pass out their drinks.
"Speaking of hope," said DCClark. "I heard Lana went boom."
"Yea," said SVClark. "It was pretty cool."
"Congratulations!" said DC, CR, and GR. SR sipped his pina colada milkshake.
"She's probably still alive though. But at least she's out of the picture for now."
CR turned to GR, "You didn't have to deal with Lana, did you?"
"No. It was only Lois for me," said GR proudly.
"I didn't have to mess with Lana either," said DC. "But I had Cat Grant to contend with for a while."
"A bit in Superman and then a lot in Superman 3 for me on the Lana front," said CR.
They stared at SRClark. "No Lana just Richard."
The four rolled their eyes.
SVClark took a sip of his chocolate milkshake. "Jimmy finally made it on the show."
"So you've joined the club then," said GRClark patting his back.
"Yea, he's dating Chloe."
"So that makes the way clear for you and Lois to get together?" asked CRClark.
SVClark shook his head. "We can't be in a romantic relationship on the show. It's sort of like GR's situation."
"Damn Silver Age!" grumbled GR as he gulped his egg crème.
"But you got to kiss her last season, didn't you?" asked DCClark.
"Yea," smiled SVClark. "That was great! It was really great! And in more than one episode!"
DCClark sighed. "I remember the first time I kissed Lois. It was earthshattering."
CRClark nodded. "She's quite a woman. You never would think she would fall for a guy like us."
"Silly girl," chuckled SRClark.
The four stared at him.
"Silly?" said CRClark.
"Girl?" said DCClark.
GRClark stood in indignation pointing at SRClark. "And this is modern and in tune with today's audience? This is what it has come to? Lois is a silly girl! Well, not my Lois, dammit!!! She's the best damn partner a man could have!"
"GR, sit down. You'll blow a gasket. SRClark can't help what the writers do. You know that," said SVClark pulling at the sleeve of GR's suit jacket.
"It's a desecration that's what it is. The both of them!!!" He said with a thud as he fell back into his seat.
The bell at the front door tinkled again and drew CRClark's attention. "Uhh, SV, we've got a problem, isn't that SVLois?"
SVClark leaned over and looked towards the door. "Yep, that's her. Now remember, guys, just call me Clark and she doesn't know my secret yet."
The three men in the booth with him nodded. SRClark slurped air through the straw of his empty pina colada shake.
SVLois stood with her hands on her hips. "Smallville, your mom wants you home. She's baked a pie for you before she heads back to Washington, DC."
The four other Clarks took in her short jean skirt and long legs. She wore a plunging V-neck top and looked highly perturbed with SVClark.
GRClark leaned into SVClark and whispered. "You lucky bastard. Damn Silver Age!"
SVClark turned towards her. "Lois, I'd like you to meet my friends. This is SR, DC, CR, and GR. Guys, this is Lois Lane."
"Pleased to meet you," said CRClark almost knocking over his malted shake. "You remind me of someone I know."
DCClark chuckled while accidently sticking a finger into his vanilla shake. "Yea, me too."
GRClark, looking extremely pleased to meet her, held up a finger. "Ditto!"
SRClark with milky drool sliding down one side of his mouth, looked up at her breasts. "You're different."
"Ignore him," said CRClark quickly. "Have a seat."
SVLois looked around for a chair to pull up.
"Go ahead and sit in Clark's lap. I'm sure he wouldn't mind," grinned DCClark.
"Humph! The last time I tried that, he looked at me like I was Jabba the Hutt."
"Who?" asked GRClark.
"After your time, GR," answered CRClark.
SVClark turned his legs around to the end of the booth. "C'mon, Lois, I promise not to blush too much."
She climbed into his lap while SR slurped air again. He still was staring at her breasts. "How are you going to get shorter?"
"Huh?" said SVLois. She leaned down and whispered in SVClark's ear. "He's not related to you, is he?"
SVClark vigorously shook his head. "Definitely not."
"So are any of them related to you? I mean you all resemble each other. The only difference is they all have glasses and you don't."
"No, we're not related," SVClark said softly trying not to lie to her.
She turned to look at all the men at the table "So, what's the big meeting about?" she asked using her intrepid reporter smile.
"Boy, do I know that look," said DC out of the side of his mouth towards CR.
"Poor SV. Y'know she's going to grow into MKLois," said CR grinning broadly. "She's a pistol."
"Lucky bastard," whispered GR behind SVClark's back.
"We discuss all things Clark . . ." started SRClark as DCClark quickly put a hand over his mouth.
"We talk about hypothetical life situations."
"Okaay. Like what for instance?" asked SVLois.
"Well, let's say that you and Clark are in love," suggested CRClark.
"You guys live in an alternate universe, right?" chuckled SVLois.
"It's a hypothetical," whispered SVClark looking into her eyes.
"Uhhh," she said trying not to get tongue tied because he was staring into her soul. "Okay, a hypothetical. You and I are in love. So then what?"
"Let's say you get pregnant," said DC.
"Not happening. I'm on the pill when I'm sexually active," she said.
"Really?" gulped SVClark.
"Damn Silver Age!" grumbled GR.
"See! It's not my fau. . ." said SRClark as DC put his hand back over his mouth again.
"Shut. Up."
"Smallville, what's going on here?" she whispered in SVClark's ear.
"Why?" he said as he adjusted her in his lap.
"Those three are dorkier than you are. And him," she nodded behind SVClark.
"You mean GR?"
"Yea, he keeps smiling and winking at me. He seems to have more confidence," She tightened her arms around his neck. "If you are related, promise me when you grow up, you'll be more like him."
"Anything for you," he grinned.
"Yea, right," she grimaced as she watched DC remove his hand from SR's mouth.
"So you're saying that you would be on the pill," reiterated CRClark.
"Yea. And I'd hope that if Clark really loved me, he'd use a condom. There are other things to worry about besides pregnancy."
"Is she talking about the clap?" whispered GR behind SVClark's back.
"Worse," said SVClark out of the side of his mouth.
"Well-ll, what if condoms were ineffective?" asked DC.
"I'd still be on the pill.'
GR nudged SVClark. "Tell her your secret and marry this girl now!"
"Shhhh," said SVClark behind him. He turned his head towards Lois and spoke softly trying to be as mild mannered as possible. "Lois, for the sake of the hypothetical, let's say you got pregnant, okay?"
"Okay, so I'm pregnant, now what?" She looked around the table.
DC whispered to CR. "He handles her well. I'll say that for him."
"They're starting the partnership already," grinned CRClark.
"Let's say that Clark left you," said DC.
"Why would he leave me if he loved me?"
SRClark sat up quickly in his chair. "What if it was something really, really important?" he shouted.
SVLois looked at him like he was some mental patient. "What could be so important?"
Dead silence filled the air. She tried a different tact. "Okaay. In this hypothetical, do I get a chance to tell Clark I'm pregnant?"
"No, he just leaves," said CR sadly
"Huh?" She turned to SVClark. "That doesn't sound like you at all. You're always telling me where you're going and we're not even in love . . .. . .yet."
"What?" smiled SVClark.
"Oh never mind," she said trying to change the subject. "Clark wouldn't do that. It's not like him."
SVClark let out a long sigh. "Let's just say that . . ."
She didn't let him finish. "I know, I know. So he leaves me pregnant without telling me he's leaving.' She faced her Clark. "Are you on drugs in this hypothetical?"
SVClark wiped a hand over his face. "Noooo."
DC slapped SR's arm. "See what you've done!"
SVLois looked at SVClark. "Why do you come to these meetings?"
"Well, they used to be fun," he grumbled.
"Lois, dear," said GRClark smiling. "The big question is, would you raise the child as a single mother or would you start dating someone and living with them?"
"And let's say the child had special abilities that were best kept secret," added CRClark.
SVLois let out a long sigh. "And this is a mental exercise you guys enjoy?"
"Just answer the question," sneered SRClark.
SVClark reached over and tapped SR's head and put a finger in his face. "You don't talk to HER like that! SVLois cuddled closer to him and gave SR a smirk.
"Let's take him out back and find some unleaded kryptonite," whispered GR.
"Bad idea," said CRClark.
"Lois," said DCClark with his puppy dog face. "Do you have an answer for us?"
"Hey, you," said SVClark pointing at DC. "Back off. You get to go home to your wife."
CRClark started laughing.
GR chuckled. "Lucky bastard."
"Okay, okay, guys. This is not a toughie," SVLois said trying to cool down the situation. She was a little thrilled that SVClark was being so territorial about her. She liked that side of him. "If Clark and I fell in love and I got pregnant and he left me without saying goodbye for some God forsaken reason, I would definitely raise the child as a single mother. Especially if he had abilities that were best kept secret."
"How do you know that?" asked SVClark holding her a little tighter.
"Well, when I fall in love, it will be forever." She looked at her Clark. "If I had your baby, I'd cherish it. It'd be a part of you and a part of me. I don't think I could love anyone else after that. Someday I hope to have a job at the Daily Planet and be the best damn investigative reporter they've ever seen You know that's always been my dream. I'm not afraid of challenges. You know I meet them head on. I never quit. I never settle. Our child will have the very best mother I can be. And I would protect him, keep him safe, and hope that some day you would meet him." She toyed with the hair at the base of his skull. "If I did anything wrong to make you go away, I'm sorry."
SVClark caressed her cheek. "No, Lois. I know it wouldn't be because of you that I left. Don't ever think that."
"Lois, we're sorry for putting you on the spot," said CRClark.
DC nodded. "Please accept our apologies."
GRClark took her hand and kissed it. "A thousand pardons, dear lady."
SR sat with his arms folded. "She's different."
CR leaned over the table to look him in the eye. "You're different!!! Apologize!"
"I'm sorry," grumbled SRClark. "But you're so different from my . . ."
SVClark tugged at a lock of her hair. "He's not bad. He's just written that way."
"Huh? Smallville, sometimes you say the weirdest stuff. Can we go home now?"
He smiled broadly and nodded. "Yea, let's get out of here."
"Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure," smiled Lois as she stood. "But Clark has a pie waiting for him."
"Mom makes the best pie," said SVClark standing beside her.
CR, DC and SR all nodded.
"Damn Silver Age!" grumbled GRClark.
SVLois and SVClark walked out of the drug store and headed down the sidewalk.
"So SV, I think that went well," smirked Lois.
"Hey, you're not supposed to know about that," said Clark looking around. "They have super hearing, y'know."
"Well they're going to find out sooner than later when you barge into the LALLS meeting on top of the roof of the Daily Planet next month."
"So what will I be walking into?"
"Well SRLois will be griping about raising her kid and how she can't decide between SRClark and Richard. She reminds me too much of SVLana!"
Clark chuckled as he took Lois' hand in his. "I don't suppose that makes the meetings fun for you either."
"Better watch it, Smallville. The Powers-That-Be might be around. Hand holding in public? What would the viewers think?"
"Probably up the ratings," he mumbled. "So what else goes on at your meetings?"
"Well, when SRLois first came shortly after I did, she accused MKLois of putting her into the pregnancy scenario."
"Whoa! How did that go over?"
"It wasn't pretty!" laughed Lois as she nudged her hip into Clark's.
"I bet MK ate her alive."
"Yea. SR is such a timid thing compared to the rest of us. The SR's are kind of outcasts."
Clark nodded. "Yea, I know. They've caused a lot of problems for us. We can't be romantic on the show because of them and their movies. I don't like that much."
Lois sighed. "Yea well, at least MK says I'll grow up to be her one day. That's better than growing up to be SRLois."
"That'd be growing down," chuckled Clark.
"So what do you think? Will you be more like GRClark?"
"I'm hoping. God forbid if I became SRClark!"
"And what about that other thing I'm not supposed to know about yet," she grinned. "Y'know, the red cape thing."
"I'll . . .He'll probably be a combination of GR, CR, and DC. Don't you think?"
SVLois stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and shook her head. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she kissed SVClark's cheek. "You'll be the best of them all."