The LALLS Minutes
Year of 2007
The winds were blustery atop the Daily Planet building as BBAlfred, manservant of billionaire Bruce Wayne of the Batman Begins movie, made last minute preparations for the ladies' late luncheon. Master BBBruce, who secretly was Gotham's caped crusader in the Batman Begins movie, had asked BBAlfred to consider this a favor to SVClark, dorky farmboy with super human abilities in the Smallville television series. Although BBAlfred knew their relationship to have landed on the cutting room floor, he went about his duties with great vitality.
Through the large brass covered doors stepped two women. One was young and vibrant. She wore hip hugging jeans and a glorious smile. She waved at him. The other was slightly older looking and dressed in attire that befitted the 1950's rather than the current fashion.
"Hello. You must be BBAlfred. We spoke on the phone."
"I believe so, Madame," said BBAlfred respectfully.
"I'm SVLois and this is NNLois. I'm glad to finally meet you." The young woman looked around at the result of his labors. "This is absolutely perfect. Tell BBBruce that SVClark and I are very grateful to him . . . and to you." She shook his hand vigorously.
"Would you care to sit?"
"Yes, thank you," said SVLois, independent, determined, would-be reporter of the Smallville television series. She and NNLois, independent, intrepid reporter of the Daily Planet from the Adventures of Superman television series, sat at the table that was assembled for high tea.
"Could I get either of you a cocktail?" asked BBAlfred.
"I'll have a highball," said NNLois. "I'm probably going to need it."
"And you, Madame?"
"It's SVLois, BBAlfred, and I don't drink alcohol when the sun is shining. I'll have a very strong cup of tea with cream and sugar. Thank you."
"Very good," said BBAlfred as he went for the refreshments.
SVLois leaned over to NNLois. "I always feel like I should be very polite and proper with someone so distinguished and British."
"He's cute. I'll give him that," said NNLois.
"NN, you're only supposed to have eyes for GRClark," said SVLois chuckling.
"I'm not dead yet!" she answered conspiratorially. "Maybe we should call the meeting to order now since we completely forgot last year."
"Good idea. Do you want to do the honors?" asked SVLois taking in the beautiful, sunny Metropolis sky.
"Alright. The Live Action Lois Lane Society is now in session," said NNLois gripping her chair tightly as the wind kicked up once more.
BBAlfred brought their drinks as two more women walked through the large doors of the Planet. "Good afternoon, ladies. Would you care for a cocktail before tea?"
"And you are?" asked MKLois, independent, intrepid reporter for the Daily Planet of the Superman movies, who was giving BBAlfred the head to toe perusal. A small smile formed on her face as her eyes twinkled. "You're cute."
"MK, this is BBAlfred. He's agreed to serve us our tea and make himself scarce during our meeting," offered SVLois.
"Fine. I'll have a G and T with a twist," she said as she watched BBAlfred turn to TH.
"I'll have a wine spritzer," said THLois, independent, married, intrepid reporter for the Daily Planet of the Adventures of Lois and Clark television series, who was eying BBAlfred and making her way to the chair on the other side of SVLois.
"TH, what are you thinking?" asked MKLois with her hands on her hips.
"What? Hey, I know I'm married but it doesn't hurt to . . ." THLois looked at the positioning of the chairs. "Oh, don't make me sit beside her! Not again!" whined TH as she started to make her way towards another chair.
"I'm sorry, TH, you know the new bylaw as well as anyone. Do you really want to have blood on your scones if MK sits by SR?" said SVLois trying to quell the situation before it started.
THLois pouted her lip and turned away from the table towards the man near the makeshift bar. "BBAlfred, make that a bourbon straight up and keep them coming."
"Thatta girl!" said NNLois as she raised her glass to TH.
MKLois plopped into the chair beside SVLois. "I think I need a cigarette!"
"I thought you quit?" said THLois moving her chair closer to MK and away from the empty seat.
"Quit, schmit. Don't tell CRClark or he'll be x-raying me every chance he gets," said MKLois as BBAlfred brought their drinks. She took a pack of cigarettes out of her purse and saw SVLois' look of disapproval. MK forced the pack to the bottom of her bag. "Sorry, kid, I forgot you were an ex-smoker."
SV nodded. "Thanks, MK."
"Should we wait on the other lady before serving tea?" asked BBAlfred while THLois was giving him a thumbs up to MK behind his back.
SVLois looked at her watch. "Let's give her another ten minutes, okay? Then we'll cut off the cocktails and go with the tea."
"Very good," said BBAlfred. "Another round, ladies?"
"Absolutely," said NNLois raising her empty glass.
"The one bourbon will be fine for me," said TH.
"I'll nurse the G and T. Thanks, BBAlfred," said MKLois as she took a sip.
SVLois stared at MK like a hawk watching its prey.
"Okay, SV what's the question?" asked MKLois.
"About this x-ray thing . . ."
"Oh, I forgot, you're not supposed to know about that stuff yet," snickered MKLois.
"Believe me. She knows plenty," said TH sipping her bourbon. "How could she not? She's a Lois for heaven's sake!"
MK looked at SV. "True! She's a real Lois not like some other's I could mention."
"Don't mention," said THLois. "What's your question, SV?"
"When they do that x-ray thing . . . do they squint their eyes and lower their head and look really, really determined? Sometimes when I turn around, SVClark is doing that and I'm not sure if he's staring at my ass or what?"
"Probably both," laughed MKLois.
"Unless . . . there's red beams coming out of his eyes, then that's heat vision," said TH as she sipped the last of her bourbon. "DCClark is so cute when he does that."
"Heat vision?" said SVLois with an eyebrow hoisted up her forehead.
"And telescopic vision," offered NNLois. "GRClark is especially good at that."
"Gee, so much to look forward to," sighed SVLois. "Anything else with their eyes?"
"Microvision," said TH and MK simultaneously.
"Okay, I'll bite. What's microvision?" asked SVLois.
"They can see your DNA," said TH.
"Huh?" said SV.
"And they can tell if you're pregnant or not," said MK as four pairs of eyes stared at the empty chair.
"Then what's their excuse?" asked SVLois nodding her head towards the empty seat.
"Elseworld," said TH.
"Alternate Universe," offered MK.
"Not sticking to the source material. BBAlfred, can I get another highball?" asked NNLois as she jiggled her empty glass in the air.
"Coming, Madame."
"NNLois, this is your last one. Don't make me sit between you and SR," said SVLois.
"Oh, let her take a shot at Miss Whiney butt," said THLois. "Might do SR some good."
Just before SVLois could answer. A lone woman stepped out onto the roof of the Daily Planet. "Oh why did we have to have the meeting here? It brings back so many sad memories!"
"Bitching and whining already," whispered MKLois to SVLois. "CRClark would never put up with that."
SVLois closed her eyes and shook her head.
"I'm sorry, I'm late," said the SRLois, subdued, prizewinning reporter for the Daily Planet in the Superman Returns movie. "I had to wait for Richard to get home so he would watch our. . .Clark's . . my son. "
"Where's SRClark?" asked THLois adjusting her chair closer to MK.
"Who knows?" said SRLois sitting in a chair and throwing her hands in the air. "He's probably tripped and fell into a manhole or something."
"Do you mean to tell me he won't even watch his own kid?" asked MKLois.
"SVClark loves kids," murmured SVLois as SR gave her a deadly glare.
"He always has other things to do," said SRLois highly irritated for having to make SRClark's excuses. "So what are we having today?"
"Tea," said the four others.
"You got the invitation, right?" asked NNLois. "SVLois did a fantastic job on them."
"Oh yea. I think I read it," she said sticking her nose in the air defensively.
"BBAlfred, please begin serving," said THLois in a rush. "Oops, sorry SV this is your meeting."
SVLois shrugged. "That's okay."
"Yes, Madame."
"Thanks, BBAlfred," said SVLois as he retreated.
MK nudged SV. "So do you have any memories of this roof?"
"No," said SV rolling her eyes. "Well . . . something happened up here, but I'm not supposed to remember." She couldn't contain her grin.
"Did you have a mind wipe?" asked MKLois with concern.
"No, I had one of those in season four, but just a little one. Remember I told you about that," said SV Lois as she sipped her tea.
"Oh yea," said MK. "It was Blank, wasn't it?"
"Yea, that's the one," said SVLois as THLois waved her hand at her.
"Okay, spill it. What happened?" said TH while BBAlfred sat two steaming pots of tea, and a plate of cucumber sandwiches and scones on the table.
"Well, we sort of leapt off the ledge and landed at the Clock Tower over there," said SVLois grinning from ear to ear.
"So how was it? I never got to do that," said NNLois. "Stupid Silver Age."
"It was the most wonderful thing in the world, NN. I held onto him for dear life and he just jumped and we soared for the moon," sighed SVLois trying not to gush too much about that wonderful night.
"Ah, kid, you've joined the club," said MKLois. "I'll never forget my first time. I think that's when I fell in love with him."
THLois sighed. "A man who can fly. He is so special in so many ways, but that has to be the best of them all."
"I stood on his feet and he pirouetted us straight up in the air," said SRLois as she bit into a scone and made a sour face.
"I bet that was mesmerizing," sneered THLois.
"Sort of like those dancing dolls the kids used to have in my day," said NNLois.
SV, MK and TH tried to suppress their chuckles.
SRLois slammed down her knife looking highly peeved. "I'd be careful who you're laughing at. At least my Clark has tights," said SR indignantly as she stared at SV.
NN put a finger in SR's face. "You watch your mouth, girlie. What's wrong with you?"
"They're not tights. They are a uniform," said TH haughtily.
"You try telling THEM they wear tights," said MK rolling her eyes.
"You all think she's the perfect Lois. Her Clark doesn't even have a cape," sneered SR as she pointed to SV.
"Why I ought to . . ." NN reared back her fist, but SV grabbed her arm.
"No, NN don't. It's true. My Clark doesn't have a cape . . . yet," she said not backing down her eye contact with SR.
"I bet he jumped with SVLana before he jumped with you," smirked SR. "He's even had sex with her! You'll always be second best."
"You Bitch!" said TH as she leaned across the table and slapped SR across the face.
MK stood up to come around the table. "You keep your mouth shut or so help me I'll throw you over that ledge myself! Don't we have enough problems with SVLana and your Richard White? You never attack your own kind!"
SVLois put a hand over her mouth as NNLois hugged her. "It's okay, honey. We didn't even have sex in the Silver Age."
"You're the only Lois who will never be the ONLY ONE!" cackled SRLois on the verge of hysteria. "SVLana will always be before you!"
SVLois, despite trying so hard to hold it in, let out an audible sob.
"Oh, I'm sorry, honey," said NNLois as she rocked SVLois in her arms. "Damn producers!"
"That's it. Your butt's going over. She's more of a Lois than you'll ever be. TH!," said MK as she grabbed one of SR's arms.
"Right with you," said TH as she grabbed the other arm.
"You better hope SRClark isn't searching for Krypton this time," said MK as they neared the ledge.
Suddenly they head someone clear their throat. "I guess I came at a bad time, " said SVClark as he took in the situation.
"What's HE doing here?" sneered SRLois. "Isn't that against the almighty by-laws or something?"
"Hey, at least SV knows where her Clark is!" said THLois.
"He's just saved your pathetic butt. And without a cape," seethed MKLois in a whisper into SRLois' ear.
Watching the two Lois' relinquish their hold on SRLois, SVClark walked over to his girl. "Lo-is, are you okay?" he asked in his tender voice he used only for her.
SVLois nodded and smiled at him. "Hey, Smallville, you visting Chloe? What brings you to the roof?"
"I told BBBruce I'd check up on BBAlfred," he said watching her give him a "that's really lame" look.
She got out of her chair and took him by the arm. "Clark, I'd like you to meet NN, MK, TH, and that's SR over there."
"It's nice to meet you," said SVClark smiling as he watched the three women return to their seats.
"Likewise," said TH as she nudged MK.
"I'm sorry we don't have another chair," said MK as she gave SVLois a gleeful thumbs up behind SVClark's back.
"It's in the bylaws that if a Clark shows up, his Lois has to sit in his lap," said NNLois as she poured a cup of tea for their visitor.
"I don't remember reading that," said SRLois.
"Oh! Like you even read the bylaws," said TH who got out a flask and poured some liquid into her own cup of tea.
"NN and I wrote the bylaws and it's definitely in there," said MKLois pointing to her own teacup for TH to see.
"Well, we don't want to break the rules now, do we?" said Clark with a big grin as he sat in SVLois' seat.
"Y'know," whispered TH to MK as she poured some of the flask's contents into MK's teacup. "I think I'll go and jump DCClark's bones when I get home. That whole boy scout thing they do, really turns me on."
"Oh, quite bragging," chuckled MK. "He is gorgeous though. Definite Eagle Scout. SVLois is a very lucky girl."
SVLois' cheeks became beautifully red as she sat in SVClark's lap. "No funny stuff, Smallville."
He grinned at her as NNLois handed him his tea.
"Somebody told me that you got to kiss Lois this year, Clark," said MK as she daintly sipped her tea.
SVClark watched her and recognized the look in her eye. It was the same one his Lois got when she wanted to get the "dirt" for a story or was trying to get herself killed.
"Yes, but Lois didn't know it was me. I was wearing Green Arrow's uniform," he chuckled.
"It's green leather and has a codpiece," said SVLois a little too excitedly.
"So was it a good kiss?" asked THLois as she too sipped her tea with grace and a faux demure expression.
SVClark placed his hands over SVLois' ears. He bent low towards the table as the other Lois' conspiratorially did the same. "Let's just say, I was glad I was wearing a codpiece." He gave them a wink and sat back in his chair beaming.
NN, MK, and TH broke into hysterical laughter, while SR sulked with her arms crossed. "SRClark doesn't need a codpiece."
"What a shame," giggled THLois.
SVLois pulled his hands from her ears. "What's so funny? What did you tell them, Smallville?"
NN patted SVLois' arm to comfort her as she spoke to SVClark. "I'm going to have to tell GRClark that one when I get back. He has the same sense of humor as you."
SVLois folded her arms. "Did you tell them the part about me slapping your face?"
"No, he left that part out. Did it hurt your hand?" asked MK as she poured herself another cup of tea.
"No, that was later," said SVLois looking a bit puzzled. "When we were at the fight club, and I punched him in his abs of steel."
"And what were you wearing that day, Clark?" asked TH as she accepted more tea from MK.
"Black leather and no codpiece," he said with a Cheshire Cat smile.
SVLois gulped. "Yea, no codpiece."
"Oooooo," said NN, MK and TH. SR rolled her eyes in disgust.
"Who needs tights?" sighed MK to TH. "I think I'll call CRClark from the phone booth downstairs and schedule a makeout session. I'm sure he'll speed on over."
Both of the women got the giggles.
"Is it always like this?" asked SVClark as he whispered in SVLois' ear.
"Pretty much," she said as she adjusted in his lap.
"Unbelievable," he said while he took a look around the table.
"Just don't mention the source material or all hell will break loose!" she warned.
"Source material?" he said a little too loudly.
"We're intrepid reporters. We dig for the truth. That includes what we're all about."
"Man, we never have conversations about that at our meetings," sighed SVClark.
"Did someone say source material?" asked SRLois looking around annoyed. Her cell phone rang and she answered it. "Hello, Richard. Yes. Yes, I can come right away. What? Jason won't take his medication? I'll be right home." She hurriedly gathered up her things and made a beeline for the doors. "I'm sorry. I really can't stay. My son needs me." She ran through the doors as the winds slammed them shut behind her.
MK was the first to speak. "What's with the "super" kid and medication?"
The other three Lois' shrugged their shoulders and shook their heads.
"I'm telling you! It's not sticking to the source material," repeated NNLois as she poured the remainder of her highball into her tea.
SVLois cleared her throat. "Maybe this would be a good time to discuss the source material with Clark here. I mean we wouldn't want to embarrass any of your you-know-who's, now would we?"
The others shook their heads.
"TH, why don't you tell Clark your theory about the Ages?"
"Are you sure you want him to know about this?"
"Oh don't worry about it. He can act like he doesn't know a thing." She turned to SVClark and gave him a sweet smile. "Clark, give them your blank look. You know the one you give me when I hit too close to home about that stuff I'm not supposed to know about."
SVClark prepared himself by clearing his throat and sitting up in his chair. He then stared off into space. The women leaned closer to get a good look.
"Amazing!" said NN as she waved a hand in front of his face. "It's like the lights are on but nobody's home."
"How does he do that?" said TH.
"How long can he keep that up?" asked MK.
"I don't know. I've never timed it," said SVLois. "Okay, you can quit now," she said as SVClark blinked his eyes.
He let out a sigh. "Thanks. So what is this theory about the Ages. I know NNLois and GRClark are from the Silver Age. He's always talking about it."
"Well, technically NN and MK are from the Silver Age. And so is . . ." TH nodded her head towards the doors.. "But she likes to say she's in a 'modern' story because she has an illegitimate kid."
"Modern. Schmodern! That story is crap!" said MK as she picked up a scone and buttered it violently. "She tries to blame me!"
TH cleared her throat. "You see, Clark, SR is also considered Silver Age as her story is supposedly a continuation of MK's story." She turned to MK. "I'm sorry. You know I hate to say it . . ."
"It's okay. It's not your fault," assured MK as she put down the scone and the knife.
TH hugged MK. "You know I love you dearly."
"I know. It's okay," said MK hugging her back.
"TH, get on with it!" said NN as she rolled her eyes.
"Yes, well, your Lois . . ." She grinned at him as his face turned slightly red. "Your Lois and I are after the reboot."
"The reboot?" asked SVClark confused.
"It has to do with the source material," said SVLois. "I'm more of a prequel to TH even though I have a lot of the qualities of NN and MK."
"What about SR?"
SVLois shrugged. "We haven't been able to figure that out yet."
"Her story is completely against the source material," stated NN matter-of-factly. "It would NEVER happen."
"Now my story was another matter entirely," said TH with her hands splayed on her chest as she boasted a little. "The source material waited for us before there was a wedding."
"Really?" said SVClark. "That's quite impressive."
"It is, isn't it," giggled TH.
"So where does that leave me and my Lois?"
"We're not sure," said MK. "We're still investigating. Keep your ear to the ground. You'll probably find out before we do."
"Just know that you two are our greatest hope," said TH. "That the powers-that-be will get it right."
SVLois gave a slight grimace and SVClark rubbed her back. "Well, we might have a problem there."
"Oh yea, SVLana. . . but didn't she blow up or something?" said MK as she bit into a cucumber sandwich.
"Yes, but you know how it is . . .She'll probably show up alive and everyone will love her for it. It's like a law or something. We all have to love SVLana no matter what she does. She reigns supreme," sighed SVClark.
"What is she, the Iron Chef?" snickered THLois.
"It's not a laughing matter," said NNLois. "This could seriously damage the mythos."
"And we can't have any sexual tension between us because there have been five movies made of that already," said SVLois looking a little sadly at SVClark. He gave her a little hug.
"Now let me get this straight," said a confused MKLois. "They are taking one of the most iconic love stories in print media and not allowing it to go its natural course because it's been shown five times before on the big screen."
"Somebody needs to call William Shakespeare," sneered NNLois. "Romeo and Juliet have superseded their allotted number!"
"That's just ridiculous!" said THLois. "Who thinks like that? The reason there have been five movies, numerous television series and multitudes of source material issues is because people LOVE the story of Clark and Lois. Clark wouldn't be who he is without a Lois! His soulmate! His one and only!"
"Wait a minute. You and Lois here can't have a romantic relationship on the show?" said MK coming out of deep thought. "No sexual tension at all?"
SVLois shook her head.
"Well, there was that one episode where we kissed some more," said SVClark.
"We were high, Clark! On red kryptonite . . .love potion, whatever! And remember, I have no memory of it. You remember everything!"
"They always do," sneered MKLois. "Damn mindwipes!"
"Well, I think that's what the powers-that-be consider foreplay," said SVClark softly.
NNLois slammed down a stirring spoon. "Humph! Foreplay without consummation is . . . "
"Frustrating," said MKLois.
"A cheat," said THLois.
"An eventual drop in ratings," sighed SVLois.
"Please let's not talk about the second half of season six!" said SVClark. "I had to repeat the same old things time after time with SVLana. I was hoping someone would spoon feed me gold kryptonite and then call it a day."
SVLois put her arms around him. "Don't get discouraged. I mean . . Clark is all about hope. So maybe things will straighten out to what they should be, y'know."
SVClark looked at the ladies surrounding him. "She's terrific, isn't she? She's everything you all are and probably the source material, too. She's my rock. But unfortunately she's not allowed to be on the show."
"Please, Smallville, don't go all angsty. We've had quite enough of that for a lifetime. At least you quit tossing that damn ball in the barn!"
"Your Clark tossed his balls in the barn?" asked NNLois looking at SVLois like she had lost her mind.
"No, actually Lana took them. And she probably has Lex's, too," sighed SVLois.
"Lois, that's not true. I have all my . . .," started SVClark.
"Are you sure BizarroClark doesn't have them?"
"Do you want BizarroClark?"
"No! What I want is YOU to start acting like the man you're supposed to be!!!" SVLois let out her frustration and then thought better of it. "I'm sorry, Clark. I know it's not your fault. You're just written that way."
"Amen, sister," said THLois.
"It happens to the best of us," said MKLois.
"Not even the source material gets it right. Look at all the reboots, recons, elseworlds, AUs . . ."
"What is that?" whispered SVClark into SVLois' ear.
"I'll tell you later," said SVLois as she then turned and looked at her fellow Lois'. "Y'know I think we just have to have a little faith and hope for the best. People love our story no matter the media and they can't get enough of it. I think if we have to trust in anything, it's the people. They will keep it all true somehow."
NNLois raised her teacup. "To the people!" The others repeated the toast and clinked cups.
"May I walk you home, Ms. Lane?" said Clark with a grin.
"You never call me that on the show?"
"He's not written that way, remember?" chuckled MKLois.
"Oh yea," smiled SVLois.
"What do you call her, Clark?" asked THLois.
"Lois," he said matter of factly.
"But sometimes he says "Lo-is," quipped SVLois trying to imitate him. "Oh Clark, say my name like you did at the fight club when you were wearing the black leather."
He grinned and said "Lo-is" in his deep growly voice.
"Oooooo," THLois. "I see what you mean."
"Dammit, TH, give me your cellphone. I'll have CRClark meet me in the damn phone booth!"
SVLois chuckled and looked at NNLois who shrugged. "Hey, I told you already. We didn't have sex in the Silver Age."
"Oh my," said SVLois. "Poor GR!"
SVClark started to laugh. "I think that's our cue, Lois. It's been a pleasure ladies," as he helped SVLois from his lap and kissed all their cheeks.
When he was done, SVLois wrapped her arms around him and kissed his cheek. "Yes, Mr. Kent, you may walk me home and then maybe I'll put on that red lipstick from the gypsy woman."
SVClark looked into her eyes and in his best fightclub voice said, "That's my girl!"