"It's a beautiful day in this neighbourhood, a beautiful day for a neighbour. Would you be mine? Could you be mine?" Edward finished singing to Bella.

"Aww, how kyoooooooot! Did you make that up for me?"

"Yes," he smiled softly. Bella shuddered and winced.

"I have no problem with your apparent epilepsy," Edward smiled softly. Bella twitched.

"Make me a sandwich." Edward smiled softly.

"You don't eat people food!" Bella giggled.

Edward smiled softly, "Do it." Bella ran into her kitchen, making sure to watch out for her passed out father lying on the floor.

While Edward was alone he let out a low baritone meat fart and smiled softly. Just as he let it all out, Jacob let himself in.

"Bella? Oh fuck it smells bad! Did your dad shit behind the TV again?" Jacob looked around and saw

Edward. "Oh."

Edward stared at Jacob intensely, not moving. Jacob peered into his emotionless eyes. Edward let another rip and started to laugh. He sighed softly with a crooked grin on his face.

Bella sprinted into the room, yelling "What's funny? I wanna know! I wanna knooooooo-!" She tripped over her father and knocked her self out.

Jacob gingerly sauntered over to Edward. He piped up then he said,

"I'm more man than you."

To which Edward replied "I don't th-"

"Lets compare dongs."

It was silent for a long time.

Edward turned to an unconscious Bella.

"I'm going now." He picked up the sandwich she was bringing him and smiled softly.

"Bitch still made me a sandwich."

***

Bella woke up on the floor next to her drunk father.

"Rrrggrr," Charlie said as Jacob helped Bella up. "Bella," Jacob began, "there's something I want to

ask you…and it really means a lot…it means everything…"

"What? What is it? I wanna know! I wanna knooooow!"

"No." They stared at each other for what seemed like several moments. Several. "…Anyways. Will you marry-"

Charlie then decided to throw in a very unwelcome "Hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr," to which Jacob gave him a swift kick in the gut, forcing gas and feces out of Charlie's colon.

"Oh fuck! You made me shit my pants!"

"Will you marry me?" Jacob asked.

"I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu," she whined gracefully and winced.

"Great! We can-"

"But I also love Edwarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd." She interrupted.

"What?"

"I can't marry yoooooooooou!" she said, twitched and thrashing.

Charlie's request for a new pair of pants and some Rolaids went unnoticed.

"Get out." Jacob said.

"But-"

"Get out of my house!" he yelled. Bella slunk out of the house crying.

"If I were you, I'd set a four hundred pound grizzly on her." Charlie said, lying on the floor, smelling of shit.

***

Jacob shoved the bear by the ass into the tree.

"Move you fucken bitch!"

"Rrrrghhhnn." The bear growled.

Jacob angrily punched the bear in the kidney before shoving it further into the tree. He had already managed to rip the window from its place in Bella's room. It left a hole big enough for a bear. A grizzly bear filled with grizzly rage. A grizzly bear filled with grizzly farts which Jacob was briefly subjected to with a final push into Bella's room.

"Rrrrgnnnggghhh," the grizzly growled sarcastically.

"That's none of your business," said Jacob.

He heard Bella entering the house. He knew it was her as he had personally sent Charlie, piss drunk, to the store in his police cruiser. He fled, hoping that Bella would die a grizzly death. A grizzly bear death.

***

Bella opened the front door.

"Hello?" She called.

"Rrrrggrrgggrrr," was the response she got from upstairs.

"Hi Dad!" She walked into the kitchen. Tonight she was making pork chop sandwiches for dinner.

Bella had just started cooking the pork chops when she was bombarded with a foul smell.

"Dad, did you shit behind the TV again?"

"Rrrgghrr,"

She briefly left her pork chops to search for the shit. She checked behind the TV, in the sink and in the umbrella holder. There was one place left for Bella to check.

Near her room was where the scent was strongest. She winced and shuddered, then started to shake on the ground. Everything was black.

She got up and opened the door to her bedroom. There was a huge dump on her pillow.

"Ewwwwwww." She whined.

Bella's high pitched voice woke up the huge bear sleeping in her bed.

"RrrrrrgggrrrrRRR," the bear growled, lumbering into attack position. He broke the bed shifting his weight. A resounding crack startled the bear to the point where it began barrelling towards Bella, growling with rage.

The bear pinned Bella to the floor and began batting her gaily in the face.

"Rrrrgrrrgrrrg,"

It was only several minutes before the bear got off Bella and went to shit in the corner.

This was Bella's chance. She quickly sprinted out of her room and fell down the stairs. As she lay, knocked out from cracking her nose on the railing, Charlie parked in the driveway. The police siren still going and the drivers' side left open as he entered the house.

Charlie noticed Bella lying on the floor in a puddle of blood.

"Bella, you finally got your period!" He said joyously. "What are you cooking?"

His expression fell when he realized the cold hard, hard, truth.

"Pork chop sandwiches!" he cried and ran into the kitchen.

The over had lit a nearby cloth on fire, the flames were quite large.

"Oh fuck! We're all gonna die!" Charlie screamed. As he ran out of the house he called back to Bella, "Call the cops! The house is on fire!" He then took off in his police car.

***

Bella awoke at the Cullen's house with a bandaged nose. Edward was cradling her head in his arms, smiling softly and gently singing.

"Go, go, Power Rangers," he quietly sang as Bella twitched and winced and shuddered. "Mighty morphin' power rangeeeerrs." He finished eloquently.

"Oh, Edward! That's so kyoooooot! You're so good at writing songs!"

"I know," he smiled softly.

"You saved meeeeeeeeeeeee!" Bella shuddered. "How did you manage to fight the bear and put out the fire and save me?"

"Bear?"

"Yeah…the bear…" Bella seemed to be distracted for a moment. Staring at Edward was like staring at God himself, when he showed up. Edward was beautiful, and the way his pale granite-porcelain finger was digging further into his nose was entrancing. Bella was breathless and Edward could tell by her passion filled grimace that there really was only one thing on her one track mind.

"Bella…" Edward began, not exactly sure what to say. Not only did he still have a finger and a half up his nose, he also had an anus the was burning with the intensity of a thousand suns. "…But…I have a fiery butt hole," then he began weeping hysterically, his bowels became uncontrollable. The pity Bella felt can opnly be compared to the intense inflammation of Edward's anus.

Bella then said, "At least get rid of the bear."

***

Edward accompanied Bella home, they had deep conversation.

"So it's kind of like taking a big dump," Edward argued, "I don't see why you won't-"

Bella screamed. Edward made an angry face.

There, on Bella's front lawn, was Jacob's car spinning in circles. The speakers blared "…the bitch got a problem 'cause she thinks she's SO-fisticated." Jacob was making near perfect donuts on the lawn, singing along, he shouted "SOOOOO-fisticated."

"Rrrrggrrrg," the bear said. It was partially hanging out of Bella's front window, with a sideways baseball cap and what appeared to be a gun duct taped to its paw.

"SO-fisticated."

"Jacooooob!" Bella whined, tears stinging her eyes.

"What is he doing?" Edward shouted.

"I don't know!" Bella sobbed.

"I'ma go expose the funky bitch 'cause she thinks she's SO-fisticated."

Jacob increased the donutocity of Bella's lawn, picking up speed. The bear bobbed to the rhythm, enchanted by this life altering song.

"RrrGGGR!" It exclaimed.

"This is retarded." Edward said, obviously frustrated by the sheer donutocity his girlfriend's lawn was being exposed to.

Jacob's car was driving erotically, he spun onto the road and crashed.

"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" Jacob yelled, his car now stationary. He staggered out of the car, tripping on his way out. "Fuck."

Bella's sobbing became subdued but Edward's anger was just as intense as it had been. It meant everything.

***

Edward stared deeply into Jacob's eyes, trying to read his thoughts. But the only thing going through Jacob's mind was the Grinch theme song.

"Of all the things to think about," Edward said, clearly disturbed.

A loud gunshot rang through the air followed by a strange high pitched growl.

"RRnngghrrgr!"

Jacob whipped around to look at the startled bear. It immediately began barrelling towards Bella.

"HURRR!" yelled Edward, who was able to use his powerful legs and endless stamina to reach the bear before it had the chance to maul the screaming Bella. He gracefully kicked the bear in the crotch.

It died instantly.

Edward turned to Jacob, an icy fury burning in his topass(AN: sp?) eyes.

"You're lucky that bear got in the way, or you'd be eating my shit." Edward spat angrily as Jacob glared with something akin to intense love in his eyes.

Jacob reached down and began to undo his pants with ferocity, his eyes still angrily turned to Edward.

"What are you doing?" Edward asked, alarmed.

"You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch," Jacob began in a quiet murmur. His voice quickly rose for, "you really are a ********."

Edward turned to Bella, a frightened look on his face, "I'm going now." And he made himself sparse.

Jacob, still pant less, laughed heartily as he grabbed the Listerine and strolled inside, a ginger spring in his step. Bella, however, realized no one was paying attention to her anymore.

"Edward, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait!" she ran towards the bush but tripped over her half-conscious father and knocked herself out.

Somewhere, Edward was smiling softly.

***

Inside, Jacob and Charlie began knocking back the Listerine. Bottle after bottle until Jacob piped up.

Then Charlie piped up too.

***

After a long, silent, piping up session Jacob finally said something.

"Fucking bitch,"

Charlie nodded solemnly. "I know what you mean. Bitch burned my pork chop sandwiches."

"Fucking bitch." Jacob repeated himself, obviously disoriented from all the piping up.

"Hey, Jake! Wanna see something funny?! It'll cheer you up!" Charlie yelled unnecessarily, he was unable to gauge the volume of his voice.

Jacob found himself and Charlie in Bella's bedroom.

***

Bella woke in a daze…outside.

It was chilly out so she went inside to grab a cardigan. Inside the house she was confronted with a foul stench.

"Dad? Did you shit behind the TV?"

"Sorry, fuck…" Charlie mumbled, lying on the floor, his arm stuck in a jar of peanut butter. His entire arm.

Bella went into the bathroom in search of cleaning supplies. In the bathroom she found herself ankle-deep in water. Stinky water. Septic water. Water with pees and poops. And by the looks of it, it had been stagnant for some time.

She sloshed her way over to the toilet and knew it was Jacob's work. There, in tiny pellet sized turds, was Jacob's name nestled in the bowl.

***

It had been a long day for Bella. It was soothing to be lying in bed, her soft pillow beneath her head. She drew a long breath in, it smelled like her childhood. Burned hair and ass. She gratefully nuzzled her face into her pillow and went to sleep.

***

When Bella awoke, she felt fully refreshed except for the fact that she couldn't open her eyes. She gently prodded her eye sockets, finding her eye lashes glued shut with hardened weeping's.

Her first instinct was to rub her face into her pillow, realizing, again, that it smelled like an infected butthole. Her second instinct was to barrel down the stairs with her eyes still shut.

It was several hours later that she woke up. She started jerking, her epilepsy flaring up. She smelled the strong smell of toast.

"Dad, did you shit behind the TV again?"

It was several half hours later when she awoke once again. By then her flailing had wiped away most of the crusties. Her fake eye lashes had been ripped from her top lids and were now dangling down her cheek.

She hopped up, shook out and straightened her hair, and hobbled out the door in the direction of Edward's house.

Several stone throws away, she arrived at the Cullen's house. Edward was already outside, trimming the hedges.

"Hey, Edwaaaarrrrrrrd." Bella squealed, pleasure running through her veins.

"Hi, Belllllllllla." Edward said, hiking his pants back up, several Mexicans bolted, screaming, from the bush. "Oh god. You look like shit." He smiled softly.

"I knoooooooow. What is it?" She spasmed.

"I think it's pinkeye." Edward smiled softly but it didn't reach his eyes.

"Can I have a ki-"

"No." His face was emotionless granite, but his words were filled with anger. "I can't believe you, Bella. How will I get my butterfly kisses now?"

"I can still-"

"No."

"Well can I at least come inside?" she whined courteously.

Edward paused. "No," he said, "no, I don't think so." And he turned to go inside.

Bella followed him in.

Inside the house, Carlisle looked very surprised to see Bella, but Esme looked very pleased. Delighted in fact.

"Oh! Bella! I like your moustache." She said with mock enthusiasm. Bella didn't catch the sarcasm.

"What?" Bella asked as her hands rose to her upper lip.

Edward started to chuckle heartily. Then Bella joined in.

"Oh, a joke! How clever!" Bella whined.

"Oh for chrissakes, Bella." Carlisle said, hostile. He shoved her in front of a mirror.

When she looked at herself she didn't recognize the bitch before her. Drawn on her face was a nice handlebar moustache, a monocle, and a uni-brow. She didn't fail to see the messy, drunken, backward mirror image of "Jacob Rulez."

Her appalled face made Esme double over in laughter.

"What a retard," she daintily laughed.

Bella sobbed, turning to Edward.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Edward smiled softly.

***

There was a knock on the Cullen's door.

Edward elegantly sauntered over to the door, opened it and immediately slammed it and went to sit on a couch. Jacob opened up the door and fell into the house.

"Hurrrr," was the sound he made when he hit the floor. He knocked over a priceless vase near a large stain glass window and as he stumbled to get to his feet, he tripped and fell through the window.

He returned through the door smiling.

"Hey guys." He said. Carlisle looked appalled. It was obviously Jacob had wet himself.

"Uh, would you like an extra pair of pants, Jacob?" Carlisle asked.

Jacob blinked confusedly, "What for?" he asked as he stumbled over to an expensive designer couch and sat.

Esme was shocked. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Jacob farted. "Safety."

Esme stood silent, stunned.

"Please get off of there." Carlisle said.

Jacob started to ass grind into the delicate crème coloured cushion. He then laid down and sneezed into the cushion.

"Get out." Edward was furious.

"No." Jacob said.

Bella gave him a disgusted look through puffy, crusty eyes. "Jacooooob. Get out." She echoed Edward.

"Shut up." Edward told Bella.

Jacob piped up. Then Edward piped up. Soon everyone started to pipe up. Charlie busted through the door. "Hey man, can I have some of that shit?"

Soon all of the Cullen's except Rosalie were piping up with Bella, Jacob, and Charlie.

"Oh fuck," Charlie said, "I think I had too much."

Jacob piped up.

Rosalie glided gently down the stairs. "What smells like Edwards ballsack?"

Bella giggled.

"You don't know what that smells like!" she giggled.

"Yes, I do." Rosalie said and Bella didn't say another word.

Charlie laughed at Bella. "Dumb bitch."

Charlie piped up, "Hey, everyone! I have an announcement!…BELLA GOT HER PERIOD!"

All the vampires descended upon Bella and killed her.

***

Jacob stood over Bella's grave, weeping.

Edward saddled up beside him, silently. Somewhere, in the background, a horse whinnied.

Jacob let out a little poot. Edward let out a deep, rich, bellow of a fart.

Jacob giggled.

They looked longingly at each other.

"You still got that bear?" Edward said seductively.

"It's dead." Jacob said, confused.

Edward smiled softly.

THE END.