I never told my best friend how I really felt about him. I never admitted my secret love for him and he never told me that he didn't feel the same. I never had to go on with him knowing that I loved him and myself knowing that he didn't love me back and have to live like nothing was wrong. I never had to ignore the nervous glances he gave me or deal with the fact that he never spoke to me. I never saw him kissing as many girls as he could, in front of me when possible, to prove his heterosexuality.
I never cried myself to sleep, biting my tongue trying not to make any noise. I never hated myself for ruining our friendship for nothing. I never wanted to rip my hair out at the roots because it was all so completely stupid to believe that for a second I had any kind of chance. I never felt the stab of pain when he told me that he wasn't going to go with me to the shack the night of the full moon. I never told my other two best friends to stay behind too because I really just wanted to be on my own. I never had to see their confused faces, and his nervous looking one, as I walked out of the portrait hole, alone, to face the wolf. I never hovered outside the tower entrance for ten minutes, hoping that he would come out and stop me and accompany me.
I never sat in that empty, dusty room waiting for my transformation, anxiously, wanting nothing more than to rip my skin apart. I never bit and scratched at myself more furiously and more consciously than ever before, watching the wounds bleed but never licking them, wanting them to stay open. I never limped back up to the school and into the hospital wing and a horrified Madame Pomfrey never gasped and put me into a bed, attempting to treat the gashes that marked my skin. She never asked what in Merlin's name had happened, never said that I was worse than she had ever seen me. I never had to stay in the infirmary for a week, waiting for my cuts to begin to heal. I never had to fake a smile and say that I had gotten carried away when they came to see me, nor did I have to grind my teeth in an attempt not to cry when he didn't come.
I never had to walk, grudgingly, back to the common room. I never had to see him scan the now healing slices that decorated my body, then glance up to meet my eyes before turning away. I never rushed up to my dormitory and laid in my bed and never stayed there, feigning fatigue when questioned by them, but not him. I never had to keep my head down and stay out of conversations around my friends when he was there (always). I never kept up that same charade every month until the full moon, every full moon until I graduated.
I never.
Inspired by some random prompt that said to write five things your character never did. I wrote this in half an hour at three in the morning and I probably won't like it as much tomorrow afternoon when I wake up, but late night posting is what I do best. It's from Remus' POV, thinking of Sirius, by the way. Not that I think Sirius would do this, but I think it's more Remus' train of thought on if he did tell Sirius. This isn't how I wanted my first Wolfstar fic, but I suppose it will have to do. Review?