Inebriated Fairy Erotica

Don't worry mods, there's no actual porn. Probably.

Episode 1: Pilot

In this episode:

Yukari and Byakuren have a leisurely stroll...

Meiling and Reisen commiserate about workplace harassment...

And Tenshi attempts to evict a freeloader!

An Everyday Stroll

Byakuren Hijiri and Yukari Yakumo were enjoying a peaceful stroll together around wherever-the-fuck-Yukari-lives in the rain.

Well, it wasn't really in the rain, as they were both dodging every single drop so as to keep themselves dry, and the rain also happened to be on fire thanks to Yukari-gap-shenanigans, but that's just being a pendant.

"It's interesting that you invited me, of all people, Yakumo." Byakuren calmly mentioned, casually dodging yet another torrent of flaming rain. "Especially with this interesting environment you've chosen for us."

"I may or may not be testing your abilities for something later. Besides, this should be nothing for a danmaku user.". Yukari replied, also casually dodging the burning danmaku from above. Her parasol was not so lucky however, currently being incinerated, though she didn't pay much heed to it. "How is your temple faring?"

"Fine," Byakuren replied nonchalatantly while making sure her ample assets were not lit on fire. "But why do you ask? Are you planning to use my disciples for some kind of plan?" She smirked. "It's always plans with you, Yakumo, or so I hear."

"That's a highly unfair representation." Yukari replied, while simultaneously plotting 700 different ways of making use of the Myouren Temple. She waved a hand out, forcing a small violet gap to materialize. It dropped a small cup of tea, a little splashing out as Yukari caught it, only to realize that was a Bad Idea when it immediately burst into raging flames. She glanced at it with disappointment, the kind a parent gives to a child who just did something rather dumb, and both know it's incredibly stupid, so the two give each other a yup-that-happened-glance.

Angling her head towards the inevitable torrent of fiery danmaku from heaven, Byakuren frowned. "Reputations start for a reason. By the way, can we move somewhere else? I'm getting tired of dodging rain."

"No. Regardless, I called you here because I feel something...quite bizarre is to happen in Gensokyo. I'm keeping an eye on every single instigator possible." The cup itself was on fire by now. Yukari still paid no heed to it despite the flames now engulfing her hand. Her hand simply was dodging the flame itself.

"Hm...Yakumo Yukari herself, putting in the effort to spy on everyone? This must be quite the incident."

A desire to throw the burning parasol at Byakuren swelled up inside Yukari. She then promptly did such, and gapped out of the area while making sure to catch Byakuren's reaction as a flaming umbrella suddenly slammed her in the face.

She promptly appeared in her household, witnessing her shikigami, Ran, patiently waiting for her master, her nine tails sprawled out behind her. When she saw Yukari emerge through the violet gap, she quickly rushed up and greeted here. "Ah, I'm glad you're back. What did you do with Hijiri?"

Yukari brusquely pushed her aside, her face sullen, and droned "I lit her on fire."

"Yes...wh-what!?"

Ran got no answer, however, as Yukari proceeded to yukari harder than she ever did by falling on the floor face-first with a loud thud, and falling asleep.

Her hand was still on fire.

/

Workplace Harassment

Workplace harassment was something Hong Meiling took for granted. Granted, it was never abject torture like people said, but she and her argent-haired superior, Sakuya Izayoi, definitely stood to get on better terms. Sakuya's maniacal dedication towards her service to her master always mystified Meiling; why did guarding the SDM matter so much? No one ever came there anyway. Why would they, given that half the living beings in it who weren't fairies could kill a human in a heartbeat? Guarding the mansion was pointless.

It did have good pay though.

Regardless, Meiling was sleeping yet again against the scarlet walls of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Not a single person or youkai could be seen. "Yawn..." She stretched and relaxed her shoulders.

However, there was someone coming up the gates: Reisen Udongein Inaba, a name which the author hopes he may never have to write again. She popped out from the forest with a small box in her hand. Looking around nervously, she hastily ran up to Meiling. "Um, excuse me-"

At the sound of her voice, Meiling yawned and opened one eye. "Uhhhh...what do you want here? Who are you?" She replied groggily.

"I'm Reisen Inaba. I'm here from Eientei...my master, Yagokoro, has a few medicines she wants to give to Miss Knowledge here." Reisen pointed towards the box, latched shut.

"Ah...another person trying to buy their way into the library here, huh?" Meiling let loose a mocking laugh. "Hah! I've been here long enough to know that wont work." She closed her eyes again. "Don't even bother. Just go back to Yagokoro and tell her that Patchouli can't be bought."

"What?" Reisen angrily placed her hands on her hips and pouted. "Really? Eirin sent me on another useless errand for her?" Sighing, she shook her head dejectedly. "I can't go back to her, she'll kill me."

"Ah," Meiling wryly smirked. "you've got one of those masters, huh? Trust me, I know how it feels."

"Ah...you do, really?"

"Yup. I nominally work for Remilia Scarlet, but that maid, Sakuya Izayoi's my real superior. And trust me, she thinks that the entire mansion'll get destroyed if I'm not guarding it every single second."

"Wow..." Reisen's face beamed. "Finally, someone who actually knows how it's like! You should see Eirin, I swear..." Reisen's fists shuddered and clenched into a ball, and her face became distorted with pent-up rage. "She makes me do practically everything involving the moon rabbits, she makes me do all her dirty work...sure, Tewi's supposed to do that, but she can't do anything reliably so I get all the work! I swear I have it in me to complain about it-"

Right as she finished speaking, a knife appeared from precisely nowhere and pierced into Reisen's chest from precisely nowhere with a schwing! "OH GODS WHAT-" Reisen fell to the ground instantly clutching the now profusely-bleeding wound in her chest with a terrified expression on her face.

Sakuya then sakuya'd next to Meiling with a flash and observed her latest target. "Ugh, Meiling! You're supposed to guard against intruders, not chat with them!" She bonked her inferior—who was now looking between both other girls in horror—on the head with a knife.

"Sa-Sakuya! What the hell, she wasn't an intruder, she was coming for business!"

"SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE"

"Was she?" Sakuya looked down at Reisen sprawled on the ground. "Oh, it's the bunny I defeated a while back at Eientei."

"You know her?! Then why did you stab her!?"

"I AM BLEEDING PROFUSELY"

Sakuya rolled her eyes. "Yes, yes, I know, I'm struggling to care. I wonder what rabbit tastes like..."

"Why didn't you use spell card rules?!" Meiling dove down and quickly grabbed Reisen, grasping the blade and quickly pulling it out. "There-" She stopped when Sakuya proceeded to knife her as well, a knife flying from nowhere in particular and stabbing her in the head. "Sa-Sakuya, what..." She fell to the ground with a thud by Reisen.

"Collusion with trespassers is not allowed."

She then quietly left, leaving the two over-stressed workers to fully commiserate about their workplace harassment. And probably die.

Get Off My Goddamn Lawn

Heaven.

A wondrous place far above the clouds, open only to celestials and other such amazing creatures. True to their divine wondrance, they spent most of their time being drunker than alcoholics and wasting away the time.

Unfortunately, there was an oni there that was also wasting away the time. Which was bad, because being a perpetually inebriated waste of resources was only okay if one was a Celestial.

Regardless, said oni, Suika Ibuki, a petite yet fiercely strong girl with hair the color of sunsets, was a nuisance. Sure, she had technically been allowed a piece of land due to beating a celestial. But it still wasn't right.

She was lazing away at the sheer edge of a cliff in Heaven, the rest of Gensokyo peeking through the faint clouds that encircled Heaven. She was gulping down sake from her violet gourd, the chains connected to her body rattling. Behind her stood another girl: Tenshi Hinanawi; the very girl Suika had defeated. She was brandishing a solid orange sword. Her face was scrunched up in annoyance. "Hm. I can't believe you're still here."

Suika stopped drinking and replied without even turning to her. "Ah, it's the little celestial girl I beat. I did best you fair and square, so why are you contesting this now?" She nonchalantly returned to drinking.

Tenshi gripped her sword tight, her hands trembling. "Ugh...damn Oni. You think I'm some kind of pushover, don't you?"

"That didn't really answer my question~"

"A celestial doesn't care for the questions of a dumb oni like you. Can you please leave?" Tenshi swung her sword out and took a fighting pose.

"Oh come on. What have I done that deserves getting evicted?" Suika finally decided to get up and face Tenshi...though she was still drinking from her gourd, though she soon put it away. "You better make this quick. I'll have to get double drunk after this, with this dry spell you're putting me through."

Tenshi smirked. "You've been nothing but a lazy freeloader. Heaven is for celestials. All you've done is drink and...yeah that's about it."

"So? You guys are lazy and do nothing too?"

"Yeah, but it's only okay when we do it. Not you, oni." Tenshi crossed her arms in annoyance, setting the sword into the rocky ground below dotted with white flowers. "Why can't you live with that miko...Raimu...what was her name again...?"

Suika shrugged with a dumb smile. "Reimu? But she's eternally poor, and her shrine pales compared to this amazing place!"

/

Right then, at the Hakurei Shrine, Reimu sneezed. "Achoo! Oh my...Marisa, someone's talking about me!" She exclaimed right after. "I bet some damn youkai's plotting to kill me, can't ever trust them..."

Marisa simply rolled her eyes and adjusted her oversized witch's hat. "Sigh...no, Reimu. You sneezed. That doesn't mean someone's talking about you, ze. It just means you sneezed...ze."

Reimu slammed her fist down on the table separating them, shaking the teacups on it. "No, that can't be. This is Gensokyo. And why should I trust your opinion, all you do is get high on mushrooms."

"THEY'RE FOR RESEARCH, DAMMIT!"

/

Meanwhile, Tenshi and Suika were still at odds.

"Argh..." Tenshi would not take her off of Suika, who was merely drinking nonchalantly. "What will it take to get you off-"

"Huh...what is this place...hey, aren't you...?"

Tenshi swiveled around to see two girls walking towards her. They were...a moon rabbit and some kind of youkai? "You...you're the rabbit...why are you here?"

Suika shrugged behind her with a look of annoyance. "Boy, I came out here for simple sightseeing and all this happens..."

The moon rabbit frowned. "Hmph. You're the girl who was a pain in the ass with the earthquakes... and it's Reisen, not 'the rabbit'." She looked around at the rocky terrian stretching forever, with flowers dotting the landscape. "Hm...is this Heaven? I guess Eirin was wrong, youkai really do go to Heaven when they die, Meiling!"

"What!?" Tenshi quickly grabbed her sword and thrusted it towards Reisen. "First of all, I'm Tenshi Hinanawi, not 'that earthquake bitch'! And second, youkai don't go to Heaven when they die, that's what those crazy people who worship that crucified man say! Why are you here?"

Meiling scratched her head in confusion. "Uh...she didn't say 'earthquake bitch', in the first place..."

"She said what exactly amounted to 'earthquake bitch'!"

Reisen rolled her eyes. "Oh can it, I don't have time for your persecution complex. Sigh, everyone in Gensokyo has issues...and second, we just died and ended up here. Don't shoot us just yet."

"That's impossible." Tenshi smugly slammed her sword into the ground with a metallic "schwing!" again and leaned against it. "Admission is only through Nirvana or a Yama's permission. Go back down to Gensokyo and earn your spots the hard way!"

"Didn't you just get here because your parents got in?"

There was an awkward silence for several seconds as Tenshi's face grew hotter than the sun.

During all of this, Suika took a final drink before facing Tenshi, cracking her knuckles. "I normally don't like to solve situations like this, but..." Walking towards Tenshi, she grabbed the back of her dress and yanked hard.

The yank sent Tenshi stumbling, but she regained her balance and turned to her assailant. "Go away, I have bigger problems right now-" Her words were cut off as Suika reeled back, sending the unwilling Tenshi with her, and immediately hurled a now-screaming Tenshi into the air with immense strength. Tenshi soared through the air, so fast indeed that all she could do while Suika approached the gabberflasted Reisen and Meling was loudly scream as she was sent flying through the air, disappearing as a star with a twinkle.

"Ah, sometimes you don't need bullets to solve a problem." She offered out some sake to Reisen and Meiling. "Care for a drink? I'm certain any stories you two have will be far more interesting than hers."

Reisen and Meiling gave each other an uncertain look, but shrugged and took it anyway, quickly gulping it down.

/

Meanwhile, in the SDM...

"Mistress Remilia, I think I may have been too harsh with Meiling a few hours ago..."

"That's odd, coming from you, Sakuya." Remilia Scarlet took a small sip of the tea Sakuya had prepared her. The rich aroma and frangance reminded her of her homeland in Europe. Combined with sitting outside on the Scarlet Devil Mansion's porch, overlooking the Misty Lake, it was a nice blend of east and west.

"Well, she hasn't reported to me ever since-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Both Sakuya and Remilia gave each other a look of pure confusion. "What in Vlad Tepes' name was that?"

Sakuya immediately steeled herself and returned to normal, pouring some more tea. "Certainly nothing, mistress." She looked out to the sky and saw a small blue blur flying through the sky. She then remarked, with increasing alarm, "Hm, that is an odd object I can't say I've seen before and...oh dear, it's getting bigger and I think it's about to hit-"

Boom.

Remilia had dealt with damage to the SDM before, but none was as unique as damage incurred by literal Celestial bombardment from the Heavens.