The pain won't leave.
Like a hunter stalking his quarry it circles, waiting for the best moment to strike; when I am least expecting it. Unlike a hunter, it doesn't kill. It cripples.
I appear normal, I keep up the pretence. When asked I say I am fine. I can summon laughter, I can smile and I can make it reach my eyes at will. I am the world's finest actor. Even that does not bring comfort for what comfort does living a lie bring – at least I am not hurting anyone else.
Even alone I cannot break down, I cannot give in. I know that if I let the tears that I can always feel in my chest, just below the surface actually fall they would become a never ending flood. I cried at first but it did not heal me, not in the slightest. It just made the wounds more ragged, more enflamed. I don't know what would help. I don't know what to do. I can't let anyone in, why would I, I am not worth their time or their help and I cannot bear their pity.
I have lost too much, done too many things I regret. I cannot die though, that would hurt those who still care, those who I am lying to every day with every breath in my body. They want me to be ok so I will be ok for them but I cannot ever be me again.
I don't know who I am anymore. All that is left is a shell and the core of burning pain. There is nothing left on earth for me, not life, not death, just existence. I realise now that purgatory does not begin when you die.
A/N Possibly a little dark but I can't imagine Merlin not unravelling after all the things that happened in season 2.