When It Rains, It Pours
Summary: Songfic to Patty Griffin's Rain. Sam/Jess. He doesn't know how he's supposed to live without her.
I don't own Supernatural, and I don't own the song Rain, I do think its lovely though.
It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
He never felt lonely when he was with Jess.
"Shh…" She whispered, surprising him behind a stack of books, and slipping her hand over his mouth. "This is a library Sam Winchester, you have to behave."
Jess' eyes twinkled mischievously, as she stepped up on her toes to kiss his lips.
It was hard for him to believe how incredibly soft her lips were, how incredibly beautiful she was, and how lucky he was to have her.
"What are you doing?" He whispered, hoping the librarian's wrath wouldn't lit them afire.
"My boyfriend never comes home from the library anymore. I wasn't sure that I recognized him, so I figured I had better check." She pressed up against his lips again, and he cupped his hands around her hips pulling her flush against his body, and leaning down into her.
The kiss grew hungrier as their tongues probed each other's mouths, and breathlessly they finally pulled apart.
"Yep…" She finally said, still catching her breath. "I found him."
"Thank God." Sam whispered, trailing a finger down her cheek, and pulling her back in for a kiss. "I would have hated for this to be a hit and run."
Jess had a way of sneaking around every wall he'd ever built up until they all fell down, and it was the most incredible feeling in the world. It was like being free.
"More like…" Jess bit her lip, "Mine. More like a theft than a hit and run."
"You stole my heart a long time ago, I'm all yours."
It was the sort of feeling he thought about when he'd been here, all alone, and wondering why it was worth it. She made everything, every dream, wish, desire…sacrifice, even…worth it.
She was all he ever wanted, or needed.
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down
Dean doesn't understand. Dean can't understand what it's like to not have her.
He can't comprehend what its like for him to wake up every morning and know she's gone.
Jess is-was-the only girl he ever loved, the only one he ever will. And it hurts so bad, and there's only so much he can feel before he drowns in it.
Its nothing he can run away from, or drink away, and even kill. With ever kill he waits, thinks, lies in wait and waits for it to hurt…just a little bit less. He doesn't understand…
He thought for the shortest of moments it would help. If dad could channel all of his anger into hunting, into finding the demon that killed their mom, why wouldn't it work for him?
He didn't want revenge. He just wants her back.
And there is nothing, nothing that can give him that. Nothing can give him Jess back. The only thing that stops him from loading his .45, the one he swore to God and whatever diety would listen, that he would never pick up again, is that…
He doesn't know what stops him. There is nothing that he cares about anymore, the things he thought he missed, they don't make up for what he lost.
Dean for Jess isn't a trade. He missed his brother, God knew he did, but it wasn't anything to stop him from drowning.
Nothing soaked ever catches the flame.
Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain…
It finally hits him.
He figured that Dean concludes that he's getting better is when he gets up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, and before the water runs, he hears his brother's voice.
"Everything okay, Sammy?"
When he feels it coming on, when he knows the grief is gonna tear him to shreds he exiles himself to the bathroom because Dean doesn't need to listen to him cry, he doesn't need Dean to hear.
He can't share Jessica.
Missing her, grieving over her, is all he has left of her. The demon didn't just take her from him, he took every memory, almost every picture…he took everything that meant anything to them.
Except the ring, but it doesn't count. He'd never had the opportunity to give it to her.
The night he figures it out, he's in the bathroom for an hour and never hears a sound from Dean. He slept through every second.
It's still tearing him apart. Every breath he takes while she's dead is a knife that stabs away at flesh and numbness until he feels again.
He needs to feel. Jess deserves better than his numbness, she deserved to be remembered.
Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has tonight before
It doesn't matter how badly he wants to bring her back, or the way that he would do anything-give anything-to bring her back, take himself out of her life so that she could have the life she deserved,
He wants to go back and undo everything he did to ruin her life but he doesn't know how.
Dean pushes and pushes and…
It's Jess that finally convinces him. He was seeing her everywhere in the store, in the restaurant, in his dreams, and he hadn't expected it when he had a vision with her. Was it a sick tease?
"You're killing youself, Sam." Her eyes are watery, begging him.
It cuts him worse than any memory does, in this vision he is hurting her. No demon. Him.
No, he thinks, no. I tried to, I keep trying to and I can't.
"I miss you." He tells her, his voice gravely sounding because he's crying. "I never wanted to hurt you, Jess. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
"Shhh…" She whispers, and he can feel her breath on his neck.
Jess' lips graze across his and he doesn't know if it's a tease or a gift. He never thought he'd feel their softness again.
"I wouldn't change a minute of it Sam. Not one." She kisses him, and steps back. "Every second with you was worth the cost. You loved me."
"I still love you." He tries to fight back the tears.
"I know." She's whispering like their in a library, but in reality they're all alone. "You need to move on, Sam, you need to let me go, and move on."
"I don't want to."
Jess touches her fingers to her lips, and turns them outward to Sam in a half gesture of a wave-its goodbye.
"But you will, because you love me." Jess nods her head once. "You'll do this for me, Sam, please…because you love me."
When he woke up, his face was still wet, and he rubs the sleeve of his shirt across his eyes, thanking God that Dean is grabbing breakfast.
He's never broken a promise that he's made to her. When he told her he loved her, he promised her that.
She's given him a chance he doesn't think he deserves, but the only thing he can do is take it.
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live