CHAPTER ONE
"I love you."
Addison freezes in the act of opening her front door and stares blankly at Kevin. He's standing on her porch in a dark blazer and dress pants, looking handsome and sweet and as the filet mignon from a few hours ago begins flipping around in her stomach, she realizes she can't say it back. "I…"
"You don't have to answer Addison, it's just… I realized it a few days ago and tonight, well, I really wanted you to know. Is that okay?"
She doesn't have an answer to that either, so instead she just kisses him, but then pulls away before he can walk them inside. "I'm going to need a night to think some stuff over, but hey," she squeezes Kevin's hand and brightly gives him her best I-swear-I'm-not-fucked-up smile, "I'll call you tomorrow. Promise."
The bile begins to rise in her throat as soon as the door clicks behind her, Addison darts upstairs and bangs up both her knees as she collapses on the bathroom floor, heaving the entire contents of her dinner into the toilet.
-o-
"I'm a sabotager of love," Addison moans to Naomi the next day, burying her face in the cushions of her friend's work couch.
"Excuse me?" Naomi asks, shooting her a look that dates all the way back to their med school years when Addison would bust out with (usually drunken) statements such as, "I think I made out with a woman last night," or "My boyfriend's best friend may be a lot hotter than him"
"Think about it. I have literally spent the past two years involving myself with men who I know there's no happy future with and now that I've actually managed to find one of the good ones, I'm all ready to start screwing up again."
Naomi sighs and folds her hands on her desk. "Okay, walk me through it. What's going on?"
"Kevin said he loved me."
"Oh my god! Addison, that's –"
"And instead of saying it back, I made him go home. Because even though I really wanted avoidance sex, I had to go throw up for twenty minutes. And this morning, by the way, I didn't listen to a single word anyone said in the meeting because all I could think about was jumping Pete's bones on his acupuncture table and ohmygod, listen to me, Derek was right, I am Satan. Help."
"You're going to have to give me a minute, I'm still stuck on the phrase 'jumping Pete's bones'."
Addison sits patiently and waits as her best friend does what she does best and thinks. She's convinced that if anyone can sort out the utter insanity that is her romantic life, it's Naomi, does-everything-she's-supposed-to Naomi, who, despite a painful divorce and a eager, young receptionist's advances, is still managing to make a second chance with her ex-husband work. "You're not going to yell at me this time, are you?"
Addison shoots to attention. "Double-board certified neo-natal surgeon's honor."
"Okay, first of all Addie, you are absolutely, one hundred percent, not Satan and, just for record, Derek's an ass for thinking that up."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome. Second of all, considering all those men you've involved yourself with in the past two years, it's not exactly surprising that you're a little wary of the "L" word now, so stop beating yourself up for not being ready. It's fine. And finally, I know you're not a fan of opening up to people who aren't your best friends and sometimes not even then, but you should probably talk to Kevin before you do something you'll regret later."
Addison considers this for a second. "Like jump Pete's bones."
"Yes. There should be no jumping of Pete's bones."
"What about Cooper's?"
"Addison, you may be tall but I'm pretty sure Charlotte King could take you. Not worth the risk."
"What about Mark's? Can I call Mark?"
"I'm assuming you're joking and therefore done with your freak-out. We're moving onto actual patients now," Naomi states, flipping open the first file on her desk and pointedly ignoring Addison's grin as the redhead drags herself off the couch and slips her feet back into the heels she had previously kicked off.
"Who's joking? I could fly him down to L.A. and re-introduce him to the squishy and pink floor."
"Ew," is Naomi's only response, plus a wrinkle of the nose.
"Give him a personal tour of my wellness center."
"I hate you. And your sex euphemisms. Go save babies."
"Hey, Nai?" Pausing by the door, Addison beings to feel ridiculous before she even voices her final question but, after years of hiding her thoughts from an absent, indifferent husband and his manwhore replacement, she's trying to remind herself of the benefits of having a best friend to talk to. Regardless of whatever problems the various men in their lives are causing, Addison and Naomi are always, once again, each other's someone. "Do you think he really means it?"
Naomi smiles at her warmly and Addison decides she'll hit a lot more than Sam's head if he ever does anything to take that warmth away.
"I think he's be crazy not, too."
-o-
That night, as Addison rings the doorbell to Kevin's house, she tries to calm her nerves and ignore the fact that a big part of her is hoping that he's down at the station. Then a light clicks on inside and Kevin's blurry form can be seen walking down the stairs and Addison focuses on commanding her feet not to turn and run.
"Hey." His face is scruffy with the day's beard a little thicker than usual and he's definitely tired but he looks happy that she's standing at his door. He's also in a relatively tight and thin old gray tee-shirt. Addison tries not to take too much notice of his broad chest as she shoves her hands into her jacket pockets and inwardly tells her hormones to knock it off. Avoidance sex is never the answer.
"Hey. I woke you up."
"No, it's fine, don't worry. Come on in." He places a hand on the small of her back and guides her over the threshold. "Do you want something to drink?"
"No, thanks, I shouldn't stay long, I just came by because, um, well I need to –"
"Break up with me."
"What? No!" Her eyes, which had been nervously darting around the room since she stepped in, shoot up to meet his, and at her words Kevin breaks out into a wide grin. It shocks her that she's able to make a man this happy just by being with him which, yes, okay, sounds pathetically insecure but whatever. She's entitled. "I came by because I have to ask you a favor. And I need you to be quiet and not say anything until I'm finished asking it. And also I need you to know that, no matter how this may come out, I'm not saying it to hurt you or because you did anything wrong. I'm saying it because honestly, I'm a little crazy. Which… you should probably know, by the way."
"Addison I knew that already. A sane person would have changed her pants immediately after getting out of dirty birthing tub water."
"Shut up." She takes a deep breath and shoots one last glance at Kevin before opening her mouth. "I need you to take it back. I need you to take that you love me back."
"Addison –"
"Wait, no talking remember? The thing is, I never thought I'd be one of those women who get hurt a few times and then shuts down, and I don't think I am really, not completely, but this moving on with my life thing, it's…" She chances looking at him one more time, and although she's expecting confusion or hurt or at the very least bemusement, Kevin's just leaning against the railing calmly, letting her talk. And so she keeps going, "it's harder than I thought it would be. And I know you can't get what I'm talking about because I haven't told you anything about my past relationships, which I will, by the way, just not tonight, but… I would really, really appreciate it if you could take it back until I'm at a place where I can believe you. Is that… well. Never mind. I'm done now."
"So I can talk?"
"Yes."
"Alright, just give me a second." Kevin slides down the wall and rests his head against the wall, eyes closed. He opens them again after Addison sits down next to him, knees pulled up to her chest, and when he turns to look at her she's relieved to see he's smiling.
"Would it make you feel better if I told you I just said it to get into your pants?"
"Ass." Addison laughs as she whacks his shoulder, and wonders when she became the kind of relationship person who's more comfortable with flirting/teasing/banter than with serious, grown-up, talks. Probably sometime right before the affair, when Derek stopped listening to what she had to say, and she was too embarrassed to let Mark in farther than her bedroom.
All things considered, she thinks on the drive home, the conversation went pretty well, but somehow, despite rambling on for what felt like hours, she only touched on the very surface of what was bothering her. Addison still doesn't know when she'll be ready to hear it or say it or believe it, and was too afraid to ask Kevin his time limit. More importantly, she couldn't tell him that it isn't a matter of worrying that he'll hurt her but that she'll inevitably hurt him because, as history has proven, she tends to cheat on people who love her with people who can't.
-o-
Addison pulled up to her house and is climbing out of the car, when she hears a voice, drunk and flirty, calling her name from the sidewalk.
"Pete. How was poker night with the boys?"
He grins and ambles nearer. "Lost fifty bucks to Cooper. I'm pretty sure it's all going to be spent on condoms."
"Isn't there a cheaper way for males to bond? Sporting events or something?"
"Hey what we lose in money, we make up in memories. If you came over sometime, then you'd appreciate the magic."
"I can appreciate it just fine from next door," Addison replies, side-stepping her tipsy, unsuitable, oh-so-attractive acquaintance, and heads up the walkway. "Goodnight Pete."
"Hey Addison?" Even in the dark his grin is infuriatingly and inappropriately smug seeing as she's almost certain she was just borderline rude. "No one says 'jump his bones' anymore. Just thought you should know." Pete smirks one more time before disappearing into the night, leaving Addison standing there, cheeks flushed in embarrassment.
She was going to kill Naomi.
TO BE CONTINUED…