A/N: So, I tried using page breaks to separate memories from present actions, but FF was acting up and kept putting the page breaks where ever it felt like instead of where I placed them, so instead, I'm using (...) to separate. Sorry for the inconvenience!
...
Remember When
"Ah!" Six year old Leonardo cried out as he was flung onto his back once again. The wooden practice sword he'd been using flew from his grip and clattered several feet away. He focused on his younger brother who smiled triumphantly down at him once again, training sword pointed at his throat.
Swallowing thickly, Leo glanced fearfully to his right, trying his hardest to fight the tears that threatened to fall. Mikey and Raph sat side by side, watching the match between their brothers. Michelangelo's blue eyes were wide and he leaned forward in excitement. However, Raphael caught Leo's eyes and he discreetly shook his head, his own amber eyes narrowing.
Don't cry, Leo. Those eyes warned.
Leonardo was the oldest by only seconds. Raphael being born so closely after him, they were almost twins. The only difference in appearance were their eyes. While Leo's were a rich, chocolate brown, Raphael's were a warm amber. For as long as they could remember, they'd been practically joined at the hip, their personalities almost mirror images.
Leonardo's gaze lingered for a second more before he choked back the tears and took a deep breath to calm himself. He could do this, especially if Raphael was watching him. The comfort of his younger brother's eyes trained on him encouraged him to analyze Donny's position over him and just to his left. His little brother was smiling confidently as if he knew he'd won. Leo frowned.
Quickly, he drew his left knee up and hooked his leg behind Donatello's, rolling sharply to his right. His younger brother yelped and fell backwards. Jumping to his feet, Leo snatched the wooden sword from his brother's flailing hands and as the turtle fell roughly onto his shell, Leo sat on his chest, knees effectively pinning his arms. In a final move, he pressed the length of the training sword to his brother's throat.
"Woah!" Michelangelo admired loudly, clapping his hands until the rat sitting at the head of the room held up his paw to silence him.
"Very good, Leonardo," Master Splinter congratulated as the young turtles stood," You managed to turn the situation around with quick thinking and confidence in yourself."
Leo felt pride swelling in his chest, especially when he glanced at Raphael who stared back, eyes glittering. He, too, had a small, proud smile on his lips. Leo's spirits soared at the encouraging expression and he grinned. Donatello, however, sighed as Splinter's attention turned to him.
"Donatello," The rat said," You must not ever underestimate your opponent, even when the battle seems to be within your grasp. You did not see Leonardo looking for a weakness in your position and in your over confidence, you did not even know you had left yourself so open."
Donny's head hung and he pouted as Splinter dismissed them. The rat's tail twitched as he left the dojo, his sons voices raising in rambunctious play.
Mikey jumped up and ran over to his oldest brother, gushing," That was sooo cool, Leo!"
Leo stumbled backwards as his youngest brother all but tackled him.
"You gotta teach me!" He continued, looking hopefully up at him.
Raphael smiled warmly at his twin, but then turned to the olive skinned brother who was still pouting," Don't be sad, Donny. Leo and I can twain with you so you can get bettah. You did a good job, too!"
Leo was relieved that Mikey and Donny seemed too caught up in the excitement of their training session to tease Raphael about his speech impediment. He wasn't sure why his brother couldn't pronounce the letter "r", but Raphael was sensitive that he couldn't even pronounce his own name correctly.
Donny smiled hopefully," Really? You'll teach me that move, Leo?"
"Of course! It's easy. You'll pick up on it and be better than me in no time," Leo encouraged.
"An' then I'll whoop your shell, dude!" Mikey cut in, prodding Donny's plastron and smirking.
Donny batted the sea green hand away," Yeah, right. Not any time in this millennium, Mikey."
As the quartet moved into the living room area, Raphael dropped behind Mikey and Donny to walk beside Leo. He deftly slipped his hand into his brother's, causing Leo to glance at him curiously. Raphael smiled.
"I knew you could do it, Leonawdo," He whispered admiringly.
Leo squeezed his hand in return and whispered back," Thank you, Raphael."
...
Twenty year old Leonardo blinked out of meditation and wondered what had brought forth that particular memory. Remembering the connection he used to have with Raphael made him smile. His little brother used to be so sweet. And that speech impediment... Leo chuckled as he remembered how his brother used to call him 'Leonawdo' and then blush in embarrassment because he couldn't say it right.
Back then, they were so close. They did everything together. Whenever the four turtles played teamed games, Raphael and Leonardo always picked each other. They once clung to each other for strength and support. Often, they communicated silently through expressions and touch. It drove Mikey and Donny crazy when Leo and Raph shared a silent joke and broke into giggles.
However, as he thought about his brother now, his smile vanished and he sighed heavily. The trench that had grown between them couldn't have been bigger.
Raphael was angrier than ever. His temper was almost controlling him anymore. It had been years since that stormy night when Raphael had defeated him and held his sai to his throat. They fought all the time, but he'd never expected to see such ferocity in those amber orbs that used to look at him so lovingly. After that day, they'd reached a sort of understanding and the lair was quiet for quite some time. They were even getting along, though they were still polar opposites.
However, good things never last forever. Especially where the turtles were concerned. It wasn't long before tension seemed to reform itself between them. With little more than petty criminals to satisfy his brother's vigilante nature, he became agitated. At least, that was the only reason Leo could think of. As the oldest and the leader of their clan, all he could do was try to be patient and understanding, though with Raphael constantly biting his head off or picking fights with his other brothers, it was becoming more difficult to keep a level head.
Leonardo sighed and strained his ears, listening to the sounds of his home. It was late. The soft murmur of voices speaking animatedly drifted from the television, where he could sense Michelangelo was out cold, probably with a half eaten bowl of popcorn balanced on his plastron. Concentrating harder, he could hear the light clicking of Donatello's fingers on his keyboard as the intelligent turtle did... whatever he did late at night.
The loudest sound, though was the steady thumps of Raphael's fists on the punching bag in the dojo. The sound carried easily to Leonardo's room and he listened to it for several minutes before he unfolded his legs and stood to make his way to his little brother.
If there was any inkling of a connection remaining between the two turtles, it was blocked out by one or, perhaps both.
Leonardo could feel the thickness of irritation in the room, but could not sense beyond that as he leaned in the entrance of the dojo. Raphael didn't notice him standing there as he continued to beat the punching bag senseless. He had a steady, quick paced rhythm going and was not hitting it with much force. It seemed to Leo that this was his brother's way of meditating.
If he could see those amber eyes, he was sure they'd be gazing at something distant that only Raphael could see. Concentrated on whatever thoughts were racing through his mind.
The anxiety that drove Raphael into restlessness had not appeared until they were in their early teens. It not only made the turtle go through wild mood swings, it also seemed to rob him of sleep. The red masked turtle sometimes wouldn't fall asleep until Leo was waking up for the morning. Leo never said anything, but he could hear Raphael tossing and turning at night. In an attempt to help regulate his sleeping pattern, Leo dragged him out of bed when the morning was still early, despite knowing that he'd only had two or three hours of sleep. After a while, though, this proved to be fruitless and he'd given up.
The steady thrumming of Raphael's fists against the bag was an almost comforting sound. Leo closed his eyes and concentrated on the sound. Constant. Gentle. Relaxing...
...
"R-raph?"
Ten year old Raphael stirred from his almost sleep. He'd just fallen into a state where he felt like he was floating, but still held steadfast the tether that kept him in the real world when he heard his older brother's voice. Making a small, discontented sound, he sat up and rubbed his eyes. His brother stood uncertainly in the doorway twisting his new blue bandanna nervously in his fingers.
"What's wong, Leo?"
Leonardo glanced over his shoulder as if his sleeping brothers might hear him and stepped inside, gently closing the door behind him. He didn't move further into the room though, just continued to twist the royal blue cloth in his hands. He ducked his head and bit his lip as Raph sat up and leaned forward to look closer at him, waiting for an answer.
"Leo?"
"Y-yeah... I'm... I wanted to say that I'm really sorry, Raph..."
Raphael frowned," What awe you talkin' about, Leo?"
"For... for the color you had to take. I know you wanted blue and I'm sorry for taking it!" Leo spoke in a hushed voice and chanced a look at his little brother.
The day had come for them all to turn in their old red bandannas for new ones of different colors to signify their growth in ninja training. The definitions of the colors were described before they were assigned. Orange was for the joy, energy, and endurance. Purple for knowledge, judgment, and mystery. Red was for passion, vigor, and dedication. And blue for perseverance, adaptability, and spirituality.
When Raphael saw the colors, he could care less about the definitions. He wanted the only color he could pronounce! However, when the red bandanna was placed before him, he was hurt. It was just his luck to get the color that would most obviously make a mockery of his accent. He looked at the purple bandanna given to Donny on his left and the blue placed before Leo on his right. He sighed and took the red one, enviously eyeing the blue. Blue was a strong color. A boy color. An easy color to say. Red made him think about roses and other girly things and constant teasing from his brothers.
Raphael felt his expression close and his chin dipped as he observed the floor in disappointment.
"It's not yo' fault..." He responded to his brother.
Leo whimpered in distress and moved to sit beside him, setting the twisted bandanna in his little brother's lap.
"I want you to have it, Raph! I don't wanna be blue. I'll take the red one."
"What?" Raph gasped, looking at his brother and shaking his head," No! I can't take that, Leo!"
"Why not? Don't you want it?" Leo asked, his bottom lip jutting out slightly.
"Yes, but... Splintah will be angwy if we twade..." Raph shook his head and handed the cloth back.
Leo made a small sound in the back of his throat and shoved it back," Please, take it! I can't sleep if I feel like you're mad at me!"
Raphael smiled softly to himself as he understood his twin. Carefully, he unraveled the bandanna and shook his head, chuckling. Without a word, he tied it around his older brother's head, albeit a bit sloppily. He adjusted it until Leo's worried eyes peered through the eye holes.
"Raph..."
"I'm not mad at you, Leo," Raphael said gently, hands withdrawing," Blue suits you. You wo'k hawdah than anyone. I'll get used to w-wed..."
The younger turtle winced at yet another word that would there after define him that he could not even pronounce. As Leo continued to stare at him sadly, he rolled his eyes and tackled him. After pinning him to the bed, Raphael lifted both hands and wriggled his fingers. Leo's rich brown eyes widened and he gasped, suddenly struggling to escape.
"Ha!" Raphael cheered, tickling his brother's sides. Leo giggled insanely, twisting and turning in a vain attempt to escape those traitorous fingers. Raph stopped, if only to not wake Splinter. If their father caught them awake, they'd both be practicing kicks all morning. Instead, he dropped beside Leo and smirked at his breathless brother.
"Stop bein' such a big bwuthah," Raph teased," I hate when you look at me like you feel sowwy fo' me."
"I'm sorry, Raph," Leo apologized as he, too laid back, sharing the pillow with the other turtle. He removed the bandanna and looked at it.
"Are you sure it's okay?" He asked doubtfully. Raphael scowled at him, eyes narrowing.
Leo held up his hands," Okay, okay! Got it. You're fine."
"Hmph, good, now shush so I can get some sleep befo'e mowning," Raphael straightened his blankets, lifting one side so Leo could crawl under, too.
Leo sighed happily as he curled against his brother, his head resting on the left side of his plastron. He closed his eyes and listened to his brother's steady heart beat. The gentle rhythm lulled him to sleep.
...
"How long have ya been standin' there droolin' like an idget?" Raphael had stopped pummeling the punching bag and now stood before a startled Leo, his arms folded over his chest. He frowned, looking very irritated that his older brother had been standing there staring at him when he'd been so lost in thought.
"Not long," Leonardo lied, smiling lightly," Can't sleep?"
Raphael shrugged, looking away and unraveling the gauze he'd wrapped around his knuckles. Sometimes, he'd spend hours in the dojo attacking the duffel bag until his knuckles bled. Never sure about how long it would take for his nerves to calm down, he started wrapping them every time he came for relief.
"Meditate with me," Leo suggested, moving into the room," I guarantee it will help you sleep."
Raphael groaned, his head leaning back some so he could roll his eyes sky ward as if asking the heavens why they sent such an annoying mutant turtle to be his brother. He lazily balled the gauze and tossed it into a small box in the corner of the room which held protective pads and such.
"Spare me, oh perfect one," He sneered at his older brother," I don't need to do no meditatin' ta sleep. I have my own ways to relax."
"Oh," Leo said sarcasm dripping in his voice now," You mean coming in here every night and beating that punching bag until you're so sore that you can hardly move enough to crawl back to your room?"
"Stop bein' a drama queen. I don't crawl, ya dolt," Raph folded his arms and narrowed his eyes at him," Beats sittin' on my ass fer hours on end contemplatin' da meanin' of life."
"That's not what meditating is, Raphael," Leo fixed him with an annoyed look," If you'd do it once in a while, you would know that."
"Oh my god!" The other turtle threw his hands in the air," Ya can nevah just leave well 'nuff alone can ya? Just go back to yer room and leave me alone, like-"
"Like what?" Leo asked when his brother stopped abruptly to growl.
"Like," Raph gritted his teeth, searching for a second, then said," like da lonah that ya are."
Leo didn't look impressed. He seriously doubted that that was what Raphael had intended to say, but he was never going to get it out of him anyway. Especially considering the heated scowl on the larger turtle's face.
He sighed, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose," Look, just try it for ten minutes, okay? If you don't feel any drowsier, then I'll shut up and leave. Deal?"
"Like I have a choice," Raphael grumbled," Ya won't leave 'till I agree anyway."
Leo smiled. It was true. If Raphael continued to refuse, he'd only try harder to convince him and a fight would more than likely break out. He waited for his brother to find a place to sit before lowering himself in front of him. He crossed his legs and shifted until he was comfortable.
"Just breath slowly and relax," Leo said, closing his eyes and resting his hands on his knees," Breath in tranquility and breath out the darkness that ails you. In and-"
"Leo?"
"Yeah?" Leo paused and opened one eye. Raphael stared back, an eye ridge raised.
"Shut up 'n meditate," He muttered, closing his eyes too.
Leo chuckled, but didn't say anything. He listened for a moment as Raphael struggled to calm his breathing before concentrating on his own breath. As Raphael found an easy rhythm, Leo mirrored it, smiling as they breathed in and out in tune with each other. If Raphael noticed, he didn't say anything.
...
"Hyaa!" Eleven year old Leonardo executed a round house kick, concentrating on keeping his foot level. Raphael saw the attack coming, but didn't move in time. The foot hit him harm in the center of his plastron and he tumbled backwards, hands clasped in the painful spot. He moaned, rubbing the spot.
"Get up," Leo said from above him, his legs set wide apart and one hand drawn back while the other beckoned him to stand and attack.
"No," Raphael pouted," I don't wanna play any mo'."
"Don't be a baby!" Leo replied, not letting his stance slip," Get up and fight!"
"No! Dat weally hu'ts. You kick too hawd. I don't wanna play any mo', Leonawdo," Raphael pressed, sitting up and begging Leo with his eyes. Leo sighed and released his stance. He just wanted to practice so he could show Master Splinter how much he'd learned, but if Raphael didn't want to anymore, he wouldn't make him.
"'Dat weeaalleey hoots, Weonawdo!" Michelangelo mocked Raphael. Donny looked up from the book he was reading and joined in his orange masked brother's laughter. The two sat on the couch, cartoons playing behind them. Now both sets of eyes focused on the two who'd been sparring.
"You really are a baby, sometimes, Raph," Donny chuckled.
Leo frowned and turned to Raphael, whom he found did not stand. Raph's head hung and his cheeks were flaming. Eye ridges were lowered and his lips trembled through a pout.
"Guys, come on, stop teasing him," Leo said. Mikey and Donny only continued to laugh though, much to Raphael's irritation. He whimpered, trying to stop the hot tears that threatened to spill.
"Aw, look, Don, he's gonna cry now, too!" Mikey chimed, which only made the purple clad brother laugh more.
"Stop laughing now, or I'll make you!" Leo demanded, sinking back into his newly learned fighting stance. Don stopped instantly, but Mikey only snorted and turned away to continue watching cartoons. Though not before muttering," Always hiding behind big brother. Baby."
Leo sighed and turned to Raphael to smile, but he was thrown to the ground, a heavy weight on his chest and fists swinging at eyes widened when he caught glimpses of red and green through the flying fists. Raph was attacking him...
"R-raph?!" He gasped in shock.
Leo did his best to block the clumsy punches, but they were so erratic and half thought out, that some slipped through. Clenching his teeth as his own irritation grew, his hands shot up to grasp his brother's wrists firmly. They struggled against each other, Raphael's red rimmed eyes glaring at him.
It hurt, but Leo used his feet to flip his brother off of him and jumped up to straddle his chest, pinning his arms over his head. They both panted, glowering at each other.
"What the shell, Raph? I was the one defending you! Why would you go after me?" Leo asked when he was able to catch his breath. He released the other's wrists.
Raphael growled, baring his teeth and pushed Leo off of him," I don't need youto pwotect me!"
More snickers sounded from the couch and Raph snarled, balling his hands into fists.
"But..." Leo tried, hurt evident in his eyes as he looked at Raph from the ground.
"Leave me alone! Just leave me alone!" Raphael shouted before storming to his room and slamming the door.
...
Leo jerked from his meditation suddenly as he felt the full force of the hurt he'd felt back then. That was the first time Raphael had ever lashed out at him. The first time he'd ever pushed him away instead of accepting his comfort. He couldn't even pretend that it was only Mikey and Don who'd ever picked on him. He'd thrown his fair share of insults in his time.
Whenever they got into arguments when they were kids, it was like a competition of who could hurt who the most.
...
"Give me the wemote, Leo! I wanna watch myshow!" Raphael and Leo fought over the remote control to the tv. Mikey had finally passed out, so it was their turn.
Since Donny had figured out how to rig an antenna in the sewers, the turtles could hardly pry their eyes from it.
"No! I'm watching Speed Racer. Besides, it's my turn," Leo argued.
"No, it's not! You watched Dwagon ball befo'!" Raph tried to jerk the remote away.
"Mikey chose that one!"
"Only because you made 'im!"
"He chose it because he likes Dragon Ball. It doesn't count as my turn just because I like it, too!"
"You bullied him into it! Give me!" Raph bit Leo's hand, making him relinquish his hold on the slim back control. Grinning, he turned the channel. However, Leo tackled him.
"You're such a stupid brat! It's my turn! If you don't give me the remote, I'm telling Master Splinter!" Leo tried to pry his brother's fingers off of the remote, but Raphael held tighter and scowled.
"Yo' a tattle tail!" He bit out.
"Better than being a big cry baby who can't share!"
"I'm not a cry baby! And yo' da one who won't sh-sha-"
"What's wrong? Can't say it? Can't say 'share'? It's easy! S-H-A-R-E! Share!" Leo said, anger guiding his words.
"Shut up!" Raph cried," I don't wanna watch Speed Waysah. I wanna watch P-powah w-wa-"
"See. You don't deserve to watch it because you're so stupid you can't even say what you want to watch! Besides, Power Rangers is stupid. You can tell those monsters are people in rubber suits," Leo finally managed to pull the remote away, but only because Raphael was pushing him away. His younger brother abruptly stood and walked away, shaking.
"'m not stupid..."
...
Their fights were so pointless. They would almost always end up in name calling and someone always walked away in tears. When they were kids, there had been a few times when he'd been the one who shook with tears. However, more times than not, it was Raphael. He was by far the most emotional of the four. Donny wasn't offended when they called him a nerd. He liked being the smartest. Mikey always been able to laugh at himself, so he'd usually laugh with his brothers when they made fun of him.
Once in a while, Leo would pout and sniffle a little over something his brothers said to him, but usually, he'd just threaten to tell on them and they'd shut up. He had to admit that, like Raph had said when they were little, he had been a bit of a tattle tail. He ran to Splinter over everything. He had to laugh a little because that much hadn't really changed much. He had to report to Master Splinter about everything after every mission.
Raphael was, therefore, the easiest target. It was so easy to get under his skin. Mikey and Donny had rarely teased to hurt, though that's exactly what their teasing did. They were just brothers... being brothers.
Leo's eyes flitted to his brother sitting across from him. Raphael used to wear his emotions on his sleeve. He bared his soul for all to see, once upon a time. He wondered when he'd locked his feelings away and created the cold, distant turtle he'd become.
Leo watched his brother sit with his eyes closed, his face calm. Free of the ever constant scowl and crease between his brows, he looked younger. Leo smiled to himself. It appeared that for once, Raphael was actually tryinghis idea to meditate rather than just half assing it and dismissing it.
He closed his eyes and let himself meditate more. He doubted his little brother would put up with this for much longer.
...
"I can't do it!" Leo declared as he and his brothers returned to the lair after a practice run through the sewers. He was supposed to be practicing leading his brothers since he, as the oldest, had been chosen to be the leader. It had been a disaster. Mikey ran ahead and went where ever he wanted to, letting his imagination guide him aimlessly, Donny trailing closely behind him.
Even Raphael had ignored him when he tried to give orders. However, now he regretted it.
As Mikey played on their new nintendo system, Donatello sat beside him and tinkered with a second controller, trying to fix it so two people could play.
Leo sighed heavily and took off his swords, dropping them unceremoniously and trudging to the hallway. His knees had been scraped when he'd chased down his brothers and fell many times in the slippery sewers. Then, Mikey had fallen off a sudden drop and held on, screaming at the top of his lungs. Leo had had to pull him back up, cutting his arm on a broken pipe in the process.
The injuries were shallow and nothing to be concerned about, but Leo's distress at his brother's lack of cooperation concerned Raphael and he followed him into the bathroom.
Leo sat on the toilet lid and used a wet cloth to scrub his knees. Raphael dropped in front of him, gingerly taking the cloth to do it himself.
Leo sighed," Sure... go ahead. You won't listen if I say stop, anyway."
The hand on his knee paused," Do you want me to?"
"No..." Leo covered his eyes, sighing again," Just... I think Splinter made the wrong choice. Donny should be the leader. You and Mikey always listen to him."
Raphael frowned and didn't say anything right away," well... if it mattahs, Ithink he made da whight choice... I think you make a good leadah. Without you, Mikey woulda fallen. Donny couldn't pull him up."
"You could have," Leo replied, folding his arms and looking away.
"Yeah... but I'm too much of a baby to lead, huh?" Raph said lightly, concentrating on wiping the dirt and grime from his brother's knee.
"That's not true... You're brave, Raph," Leo said, frowning at his little brother.
"Not as bwave as you..." Raph said so softly that Leo almost didn't hear it.
"What do you mean, Raph? You are, too!"
"No, when I saw Mikey hanging ovah da ledge, I was afwaid that if I attempted to help, he would pull me down, too..."
"I was afraid of that, too. If I hadn't been there, I'm sure you would have been in my place pulling him up instead," The blue banded turtle smiled.
Raphael shrugged," Maybe."
Leo sighed," I don't know if I can handle being the leader, Raph... It's hard."
"So yo' just gonna quit? Since when did you become such a losah, Splintah Junyah."
Raph frowned and pinched his brother's leg as the older turtle shrugged dejectedly.
"Ow! Raph!" The other male scowled, rubbing his leg.
"Stop being like dat! Splintah chose ya fo' a weason. Yo' a good leadah! You just hafta show some back bone. Make 'em listen to ya!"
"You really think so?" Leo asked softly," You really think I'm a... good leader?"
Raphael nodded and smirked," Da best. Way bettah than Donny. He's such a wimp."
...
Leonardo's lips curved into a smile as he remembered how much Raphael's opinion had mattered to him back then. If Raph thought he could be a good leader, than he could. It was that night, that Leo decided he would do anything to be the best leader there could be. Unfortunately, he felt that that may have been what drove his twin from him.
No longer could they conspire together pranks to play on their brothers. It was dangerous. And mean. He was in charge of making sure that everyone acted like a team. He'd had to get onto Raph so many times. Much more than the other two. Sometimes, he got so frustrated, he was harder on him, too. It was no wonder Raph hated him so much.
He frowned sadly. Across from him, though, the corners of Raphael's lips twitched.
...
"You're not trying, Raphael!" Leonardo said, his hand hitting the top of the kitchen table. It was late. Mikey and Donny were all ready in bed, but Raphael sat across from Leo trying not to let his distress show. The two turtles remaining awake tried to keep their voices low, but both were running low on patience after hours of sitting at that kitchen table.
"I am too twyin'!" He replied.
"Trying," Leo said slowly," you're using your lips. Use your tongue, too."
"T-to-whu-gah!" His eyes stung, prickling with tears, and he rubbed his fist against them angrily. Hunching forward, the red banded turtle rested on his elbows and tried to repress the shakes that threatened to consume him. He just didn't understand why he couldn't do it! All his brothers spoke just fine, but for no mater how hard he tried to improve, he just continued to sound like an idiot.
"Raph..." Leo placed a gentle hand on his arm and he sniffled, looking up at his big brother, bottom lip trembling," You have to relax. Breath. Calm yourself. You won't be able to do it if you're too upset."
Leo pulled his brother up from the table to lead him to the floor, so they could sit facing each other. He held both of the other turtle's hands in his own and stared into the amber eyes that were still tearing up. Raphael's plastron rose and fell rapidly as he gasped for air, trying to calm himself.
"Here, close your eyes," The blue masked turtle used a hand to brush against the other's eyes, prompting them to close," Imagine yourself somewhere happy."
"Can you be with me?"
"Of course. Picture soft green grass and a gentle breeze. Relax and let it wash over you..."
Raphael sighed begrudgingly. He hated when Leo got like this. Making him imagine scenes and stuff. Still, soon, his breath was slowing down and he could feel himself calming down.
"An' yo' sitting with me feeling the wind and stuff, too." He added quietly. Leo smiled.
"Ready to try again?" Leo asked after a moment.
Raph nodded.
"Okay, now say: raving red ranger," Leo instructed, implementing the Power Rangers his brother loved so much," Say it slowly. Take your time. We have all night."
"Wu-wraving wed w-wu-ange-rr," a light blush of embarrassment pinked the younger brother's cheek, but Leo only smiled proudly, squeezing the hands cradled in his own encouragingly.
"See! That was really close, Raphael! Try 'arr! Arr! Arr!' Like a pirate!" For emphasis, Leo closed one eye and hooked a finger as he said this, throwing in an accent and everything. Raphael laughed, feeling more confidence as his brother goofed off.
"Aawrr! Aawrr! Aawrr!" The red banded turtle mimicked his brother's actions as he slowly said each word. He really had to focus on saying the 'r' in the word, but it was working! His spirits lifted and he grinned from ear to ear.
"Arr! Shiver me timbers! That be it!" Leo continued in the same accent, smiling warmly at the other male. Raph giggled bashfully, his cheeks flushing in pleasure.
"Just keep practicing, little brother. You'll get it."
"Will you keep helping me, Leo?"
"Of course! That's what big brothers are for, Raph. I'll always be there to help you, silly!" Leo laughed and tackled his younger brother to rub his knuckles against the top of his head. Raphael squirmed and shrieked.
"Get off! Get off!" He cried, though he only half heartedly pushed against Leo.
...
Raphael had almost forgotten about the speech impediment that had caused him so much pain growing up. That night wasn't the only one that Leo had stayed up through to coach him. Leo had diligently worked with him until that horrible accent vanished completely and he could show his brothers that he could speak just fine.
He'd spent hours in front of the mirror practicing his own name, sometimes getting so frustrated that he was reduced to tears when 'Waphael' was all that he could form.
It all seemed so long ago. He could feel his lips twitching into a smile. He didn't willingly pull out of the memory until he felt a strange feeling in the back of his mind. Almost like an itching. It seemed familiar. Focusing his consciousness on it, he realized it was sadness... and not his own. In realization, his eyes flew open and landed instantly on the chocolate orbs that were all ready staring at him.
Forgetting the attitude in him that wanted to bite Leonardo's head off for staring, he tilted his head slightly.
"Why are ya sad, Leo?" He asked softly.
"What?" Leonardo asked, eye ridges furrowing. He was sure he hadn't let the depressed feelings show. He'd been careful to make his face expressionless as he thought about the years he'd grown farther and farther from his brother. All just to prove that he could be a good leader. He followed Splinter's guidance like it was law. Somewhere along the way, he'd abandoned his post as big brother, picking it up only when necessary.
"Why are ya sad?" Raphael repeated patiently, observing the confusion changing his older brother's features with interest. He remembered how he once could practically read Leo's mind and wished he could do that now.
"I'm er... not," Leonardo denied, moving to stand," Thanks for giving it a shot. Did it work? Feel tired?"
The larger turtle rolled his eyes and batted the question away," Stop worryin' 'bout every one else fer once in ya life. I'm askin' 'bout you. I know yer sad! Now, why?"
"It's nothing, Raph! I'm fine. Just being stupid, I guess," The blue banded turtle smiled, trying to dismiss it. He just wanted to ignore it. There was nothing that could be done at this point anyway. He'd dug his grave, now he had to lay in it. Perhaps if he'd put being a brother before a leader, things would have been different, but he'd made his choice. Leaning forward slightly, he held a hand to his brother.
"Don't feel like nothin'," Raphael responded, but took the offered hand, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.
A spark shot up Leo's arm as their hands touched and his eyes flew to his brother's in alarm. Wide amber hues stared back. Growling, the younger brother stood and leaned closer, looking into the brown orbs as if searching.
Leo flinched and leaned back," What are you doing?"
"Why were ya lookin' at me like dat?"
Leo sighed," Like what?"
"Like ya wish..." Raphael trailed off and shrugged," I dunno. Guess it's nothing like ya said. "
They stood in silence for several minutes.
"Raph?" Leo said suddenly, just when the red banded turtle had been about to leave.
"What?" Came the rumbling and, now, slightly irritated response.
"Do you... er..." Leo flushed, looking a tad embarassed as he ducked his head," hate me?"
The last words were whispered so low that Raphael almost didn't hear them. When he did, though, his eyes widened and he frowned severely.
"What?!" he growled," What's da mattah with you? Why would I hate ya?"
Sad brown eyes rose to his and Raphael felt an familiar tug in the back of his mind. He gasped as a warm presence that he thought he'd never fell again pushed into him. The other presence that was tentative and unsure had once wrapped protectively around him. It had been so long ago that he'd felt his older brother that Raphael stumbled backward a step.
"Leo..." He whispered, panting slightly, as if winded by the doors that had locked him out for so long.
...
"Leo, what's wrong? You've been in here all day..." Thirteen year old Raphael asked as he watched his older brother growl in irritation as he messed up a kick half way through a kata and started all over again.
"Nothing," Leo said shortly. He closed his eyes for a moment before he blocked an invisible opponent, ducking and swinging back around to throw his fist forward. His expression was severe and concentrated.
Raphael knew that his older brother was mad at him. He and Mikey had snuck out against Master Splinter's wishes to skate board through the sewers. They'd been grounded, but Leo had also gotten into trouble. Since earlier that morning, he'd been in the dojo meditating and practicing katas. He hadn't said a word to the rest of them all day.
"Leo, I said I was sorry... how many times do I have to apologise?" Raph asked desperately trying to draw his brother out of whatever mood was consuming him and turning him into the intense, serious person he suddenly was.
"I'm not mad at you, Raph," Leo responded in an even, unemotional tone. Raph hated that tone. It made him feel like Leo was was so far away. On an unreachable podium that only kept rising higher everyday.
And Leo using it on him now only made his desperation grow.
Raphael bit his lip and reached for Leo mentally, needing some sort of comforting sign that his brother wasn't really leaving him behind. He could see that by the way Leo's calm expression faltered, he had reached him. However, Leo scowled and suddenly, Raphael was shoved out of his brother's consciousness with such force that he almost physically fell backwards.
His heart began to pound. He frantically tried again to touch his brother's conciousness but was met with a very solid barrier. He stood there, shaking from the feeling of betrayal. He tried harder to push his way into his brother's mind, desperately beating against the wall that had been thrown up. However, Leo stopped his katas and was standing deathly still, his hands clenched at his sides as he focused all his energy on keeping him out.
"L-leo..." he whispered, choking on the emotion clawing it's way into his chest, but Leo didn't even look at him. Swallowing thickly, he whirled and hurried out of the room.
...
Leo had never told him why he suddenly severed the connection they'd had for as long as they could remember. He'd assumed that, like with ever decision Leo made, it had something to do with him becoming a better leader. He'd reasoned with himself that if it help Leo then he could handle it, but it didn't stop the anger and bitterness that slowly bloomed inside of him.
However, with the doors that locked him out so suddenly thrown open, he could feel how truly lonely his brother had been. He also felt distress, sadness, and concern. Even when they were little, Leo had always been so concerned and worried about them all the time.
"Leo..." Raphael repeated, amber orbs meeting his brother's eyes.
"Do you still think... I'm a good leader?" Leo asked suddenly, his voice abnormally small and insecure.
"O-of course!" Raphael stammered, taking a step closer and reaching forward slightly, but not touching him. Leo shrank away, but didn't close his mind.
"Even after..."
Raph knew what he was referring to. Even when he'd been in the jungle for two years?
Raphael had to admit that he'd felt like, once again, his older brother had abandoned him. He'd been furious and hurt. Even when he'd finally come back. He'd wanted to show Leo how mad he was at him. How much pain he'd felt in his absence. That fight on the roof top was still a strong memory. He'd angrily said everything he could think of to try to make Leo understand.
However, it seemed that even in adulthood, he couldn't correctly communicate what he meant.
"What if I don't want to be led?!" He'd snarled. But he'd meant, 'What if I want me brother back?'
"I'm better than you."
The cold words his brother had said to him that day echoed in his mind and he knew that Leo was hearing them again as well.
"Da best, Leo," Raph's hands dropped to his side and he looked away, feebly pushing the presence from his mind. However, Leo's mental grip on him only tightened.
"Raph, I..." Leo struggled for the right thing to say, but broke off when he found nothing that could change what he'd done. He'd molded himself into the perfect leader, but had become a lousy brother. At least towards Raph.
Raph sighed and smiled weakly at him.
"I get it, Leo," he said, rubbing his head as he turned away," I'm gonna... go to bed..."
"Raph! Wait!" Leo called, grabbing for his arm. Before Raph could put up any sort of a fight, he was pulled against the older turtle. Arms embraced him tightly. Wrinkling his snout, he tried to push the other turtle off.
"Leo," he growled warningly.
"I'm sorry," Leo's shaking voice said suddenly against his shoulder and he stopped.
Swallowing thickly, he stood frozen as the words processed. He bit his lip uncertainly.
"Are you gonna..." He couldn't finish the sentence. His form tensed. Are you going to lock me out again, Leo?
"Never again, brother..." Leo replied, tightening his hold on him," I'm so sorry... for hurting you..."
Raphael felt a twisting knot of emotion form in his chest and his face dipped forward to press against his brother's neck as his arms wound around him.
"I..." Raph choked out, before breaking off and growling lightly.
Leo smiled against the skin of his shoulder and whispered," Me too, Raph..."
...
"Hey, Leonawdo?" Raphael poked his head into his older brother's room, bottom lip trembling slightly. Leo glanced up to send him a slightly dark look before rolling away from him to face the wall. He'd gotten in trouble again, thanks to Raphael and his little 'adventures'. This one involved a legendary sewer crocodile that they'd narrowly escaped from.
"I'm s-sowwy, Leo... for getting you into twouble..." Raphael said softly at his brother's silence.
Leo sighed heavily and rolled back, resting his head on his fist. His right hand patted the spot next to him. Raphael scurried to lay next to him, curling against his plastron and hiding his face against his neck.
"Pwease don't be mad at me, Leo..." He begged, shaking slightly.
"I'm not anymore, brother," Leo regretted his outburst. He'd even struck his brother and the bruise was still fresh on his dark green cheek. He touched it gently before wrapping his arms around his trembling form.
"I'm sorry, Raph..." Leo said, weaving their legs together as he held his younger sibling," For hurting you."
"It's okay..." Raphael replied," As long as yo' not mad anymo'."
"I'm not..."
"Good. I love you, Leo."
"I love you, too, Raph."