AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Hey guys, this is my first attempt at fanfic ever! I appreciate criticism but please no flames, please go easy on me. I really hope you guys like it, this is a one-shot right now, but if you guys like it I will continue to add on to it, and make it into a multi-chapter story. (: This is what I want to happen in season 4, when Sam and Andy actually have to talk about everything that went wrong. With that being said, I hope you all enjoy and review! Have a wonderful day3-alexis.
Ps. Shout out to SAKI-SHUNKA, my college dorm-mate for editing and adding in some amazing attention to detail. I love you Ashlie (:
I HAVE TO PUT OUT A COUPLE OF DISCLAIMERS:
1. I DO NOT OWN ROOKIE BLUE OR IT'S CHARACTERS. I AM SIMPLY A FAN OF THE SHOW, AND A FAN OF SAM AND ANDY.
2. THIS MAY BE OUT OF CHARACTER FOR BOTH SAM AND ANDY, but this thought has been on my mind since the end of season 3, and then I saw the promo to season 4 and it just intensified.
As I said before, I hope that you all enjoy(:
There is No Fixing This
Here I am sitting on my couch, drowning myself in the strongest liquor I could scourge; blankly starring at some stupid program on T.V, but what can I expect for it being 1:30 in the morning. I can hear the rumble of thunder in background, and occasionally see a flash of lightning through kitchen window. I can't help but think about the case early on today, seeing the mangled body of that little girl in the trashcan got to me more than I realized. Shaking out of that depressing thought my mind turns to Andy and the betrayal and anguish that I felt when she disappeared. So many questions with no answers; how I long to just rush up to her, grab her by her shoulders, and demand an explanation.
My thoughts suddenly get interrupted by a hesitant knock on my door, checking the clock located above my T.V I see that is now 1:35 in the morning. "Who the hell is knocking on my door at 1:30 in the fucking morning?" I grumble out loud. I walk up to the door, suppressing the urge to rip it open and scream the guy's head off; I look through peep hole, and to my surprise I see Andy, standing on my door step, soaking wet, in gray sweat pants, a white tee, and worn out tinny shoes. Her hair is in complete disarray with rogue strands slipping from her pony tail and sagging across her face and in her eyes. "It looks as though she just rolled out of bed." That thought unfortunately leads me into thoughts of her sprawled out on my gun steel gray sheets, panting through her kiss swollen lips, cheeks blushing bright red, and eyes dilated with arousal and what I thought was love and devotion.
Mentally slapping myself out of my daze, I regain control of my spiraling emotions. As soon as I am confident enough to where I can face her without going ballistic I open the door, and regard her with a blank look.
"McNally, what the hell are you doing here?" The look on her face was something that I had never seen before. I can't exactly put my finger on it. It was something like a mixture of raw emotions; maybe along the line of defeat, anger, and confusion?
"Can I come in?" she whispers out hesitantly
I run my hands through my hair making it more disheveled "…Sure, you wanna talk?" As soon as that question comes out of my mouth I regret it. I remember the last time I asked her that question; she had rushed through the door, and kissed me. The taste of her lips from that very moment still lingers on mine. I cringed at the thought.
"No, I just, to be honest I don't know exactly what I am doing here, I shouldn't have come, sorry." She starts off and ends in a whisper, as she was talking she was slowly turning around to leave. As angry as I was with her, I couldn't watch her leave again; I couldn't watch her walk away again. My thoughts are having a war with in my mind; I wanted her to stay as long as possible, but at the same time I know that it was wrong because of Marlow. But at that moment I don't care.
"Shit, I'm going to regret this later" I think, as I open my mouth and say; "McNally, don't go. Stay." As she turned around I could see the confusion in her eyes. Damn it, this wasn't how it was supposed to be. We are supposed to be together, we were together. I snap myself out of those thoughts. I massage my temples and drag my hands down over my eyes; I don't need any more confusion; I have enough to last me a life time. "Don't be stupid. It's raining outside, and you're drenched. Come inside and dry off, have a beer." As she walked over the threshold, I study her a little more closely. Andy's clothes still soaking dripped onto the floor; her head was down so her hair that wasn't in the pony tail covered eyes. Though I couldn't see the emotion that was no doubt in her eyes, I could- still wage her feelings by the hesitation she showed and the pure amount of discomfort that is radiating from her. It made me cringe, I didn't want her to feel afraid, or feel any hesitation with me. She never used to feel that way, it was just a constant reminder of just how fucked up everything got. We didn't trust each other. It never used to be this way.
We were sitting on opposite sides of the room, as far away from one another as possible. It was awkward; no, awkward is an understatement of the century. We had been sitting this way, in silence for over an hour she wouldn't even look at me; she just stared down at her hands. I couldn't help but stare at her; she was beginning to worry me. The anxiety was eating me alive. I had to ask her what she was thinking. "McNally, what's wrong?" She gave no response, and continued to stare down at her hands, and it was driving me insane. I couldn't take it anymore. "Jesus Christ Andy, talk to me." I am pretty sure she heard the desperation, and anguish in my voice because for the first time since she got here tonight she looked up, and looked me in the eyes, really looked at me. It scared the shit out of me. I could see the tears on the rims of her eyes; they were on the verge of falling over and down her face. I couldn't look at her it broke my heart and brought up buried feelings wanting to hold her, to protect her, and to love her. I ended up being the one to look down; I could not, and would not face her.
"Do you love her?" I jerked my head up in surprise; her question completely catching me off guard. What was she doing? This is not why I let her in tonight. I am not doing this with her right now or ever. I immediately get up from where I was sitting, I needed to get away, before I said something I regretted. I could feel the anger propelling through me. "SHE HAS NO RIGHT!" I scream in head. How dare she ask me about my personal life, especially with Marlow? Hell, she had no right asking me anything. It wasn't her business, and quite frankly she lost that privilege the moment she ran off with my heart. "McNally, don't." I say as calmly as I can, but I can feel my voice rising.
Andy jumps up from the couch, her hesitation now completely wiped away, replaced with anger. "You broke every promise you ever made to me Sam, and then I come back to find out that you're in a relationship. You broke my heart…" The last part was barely audible. I had no sympathy for her, has she lost her mind?
"Have you lost your mind?!" I yell at her, not even trying to contain my anger. "I didn't break any promises I made to you, except for one! Yes, I did give up without a fight, but YOU walked away from us AGAIN! YOU made me break every promise I made to you, because YOU ran away. I meant those promises Andy; I was ready to give everything to you. I was ready to fight for you, but YOU ran away. Even knowing all this you still have the audacity to blame everything that has happened on ME? I find that, absolutely baffling. Yes, I was wrong when I broke up with you I admit it. And I shouldn't have pushed you away, but I honestly thought I was doing what was best for you! I had to protect you" My voice broke; I could feel hot tears, trailing out of my eyes. As much as I wanted to keep these tears at bay, and keep them from coming out, I couldn't. "Damn her for putting me in this type of position" I rage to myself, but I have to show her how serious I am she has to see that I wasn't made of stone, and that she wasn't the only one who suffered and had her heart broken. She had to know that I died everyday too. I was now facing her, and the look on her face was pure anger, I could see that she was livid. "tsk, like she has right to be"
"THAT'S RIDUCULOUS SAM, PROTECT ME FROM WHAT?!" I am not doing this right now, I could already feel the migraine coming at full force, fuck just a regular headache. I turn around intent on taking some aspirin, and calling it night; but as start to walk away, I feel her pull me around to where I can look start into her eyes. I could see that she was not backing down. "No, you started opening up, don't back down now. Come on Sam, let me have it! Isn't that what you want?! Come on! Talk to me!" That was it; Andy has pushed my last fucking nerve. How dare she come to my house and demand answers from me, how dare she put the blame on me, after she ran away. Fuck this I can't hold it in anymore, she wanted it, now she fucking has it.
"PROTECT YOU FROM ME, DAMIT. PROTECT YOU FROM ME!" I scream out, beyond the point of frustration. "You don't get it, Andy. I thought I was doing the right thing, because every person that I have ever cared about, and held close me has gotten hurt. All because of me." The last declaration barley above a whisper. I was looking down at the floor now the tears are at a constant flow, I couldn't look at her. "I couldn't protect Sarah, and she was attacked. She was raped, because I couldn't protect her, she lost who she was, her smile, her ray of light, because I couldn't protect her. It was my fault." I was sobbing now, big horrible sobs, that raddled my rib cage and my whole body shook, to where I could barely even speak, but I forced myself on, she has to know, she wanted know. "Then Jerry died, and that was my fault. I should have been there to give him the back up, he was my brother, and brothers have each other's backs, and I didn't. I failed him, and because of that he's dead. I killed my brother. I KILLED MY BROTHER. You thought I blamed you for Jerry's death, I didn't, I don't. That never once crossed my mind. It was all me. All my fault. You were all I had left Andy; I COULD NOT and WILL NOT lose you too!" I'm panting now that last moment taking a lot out of me. After I regain my breathe and most of my composure I finally feel like I have the strength to look her in the eyes. When I do, I see the tears flowing from her eyes. She looked so broken. We were both, crying, both broken, both vulnerable, and both heart broken. "So I pushed you away, and broke up with you. Breaking up with you, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, because that night I left my heart with you. I knew it was mistake, I knew it was mistake before I even turned around, but you being with me was too big of a risk and I could not, and still to this day WILL NOT risk your life even if that meant I could never hold you or be by your side; so I left you. It wasn't until you were holding the grenade that I realized that I was wrong, ten times more wrong than I was before, I was not going to live without you. I knew in that moment, that you were my life and if you died, I was going with you. I always loved you Andy, from the moment I met you, I knew, but I never told you because if I did, that made things real, and if they became real then there was a risk of you getting hurt, by me. Having you close meant that I couldn't protect you. So I never said it, but I realized when you held that grenade that I didn't need to protect you from me, and I knew that I was wrong. Instead of protecting you by pushing you away I should have protected you by holding you closer. So I said it, I wasn't afraid anymore."
"I know that you tried to contact me, but what you failed to realize, Andy, is that my best friend, my brother, died, and it was my fault. I was grieving! I waited for you for 2 YEARS, and you couldn't wait for me for 6 WEEKS?! Really?!" Anger began rush back up to the surface. I was legitimately angry. I took a step towards her, and she took a step back I could see the begins of fear start to creep into her eyes, good now she knows how serious I am. I held my finger out and pointed at her. "Ha, I mean I get that you don't do time and space. But that is what I needed, and you couldn't give it to me! I needed you to wait for me, and you didn't! EVERY PROMISE THAT I MADE TO YOU THAT NIGHT, I MEANT IT! I MEANT IT WITH EVERYTHING I HAD, BUT YOU LEFT! YOU MADE ME BREAK THOSE PROMISES! You know what makes it worse, is that I would have understood if you took the UC position for your career, and you can spit that to the rest of 15 but we BOTH know that you only took that job, to run away from me, because you were angry with me, because things didn't go your way. It had nothing to do with wanting to further your career! What you forget Andy, is that you and I are the EXACT same person, and I know and see right through you." She was completely dumfounded, and looked absolutely broken, she looked broken because she knew I was right. "Sam...?" it was barley even a whisper. But her words had no effect on me, I was too far gone, I was so angry, I shot back with "YOU WALKED AWAY FROM US! So do not put all of the blame on me Andy, because it was both of us, WE screwed everything up, it sure as hell wasn't all me. So you can stop depicting me as the villain and, you as the innocent poor victim. You don't think I notice how the rest of the rookies have turned their backs on me? You don't think I notice the behavior change when I come around? But that's okay, because your friends not mine. I do have to say though, Tracie's behavior and cold shoulder has caught me a bit off guard. But as I said before, they're friends not mine. " There was so much venom is my words that I saw her flinch, and step back. God, I hated hurting her, but she needed to see that it wasn't only me. This had to end, she had to leave, because honestly we lead completely different lives, and we didn't really know each other anymore. "It's time to buck up and get yourself back together" I coach myself. "It's bout time I end this." I wiped the tears from my eyes, cleared my throat, and spoke up. "To uh, answer your question: I do love her. I love the things about her, things that make up who she is. She will never be you, or what we had, but she's safer, we're safer, and stable. There is no risk of getting hurt. I'm sure you know all about that though, don't you. We can't go anywhere from here, because neither of us trust one another. A relationship is based on trust. We don't have that, and I don't know if we ever will. Not anymore. " Every word cut her like a knife, I could see the pain, and brokenness that radiate through her body, the expression on her face, was pure agony. For the first time, in what seemed like an eternity. She spoke, and it was broken and barley a whisper that if I wasn't standing 2 feet from her I wouldn't have been able to hear.
"Your right Sam, I did take the job to run away from you, and us, because I was mad. I was so angry at you, but you're right I should have waited for you, and I should have believed you when you said that you loved me, but didn't. I had no idea that you felt this way, I had no idea that you blamed yourself and that you were trying to protect me. I am so sorry, but Sam you have to realize that what happened to Sarah and Jerry was not your fault. You couldn't have prevented any of what happened to them. I loved you Sam, you were my life. My day started and ended with you." She let out a heart wrenching sob, it tears me up inside to see her like this. Andy finally gathered herself back under control, and continued. "I'm glad that you have found happiness, even if it can't be with me." Her body language changed, she stood up straighter, her fear and tears now gone to be replaced with confidence. She walked slowly up to me to where our lips were almost touching, and she looked at me with those big brown doe eyes. "Your right I do know something about safe. Safe, doesn't bring you true real happiness, it gives you the feeling of being comfortable. You wanna know why when we hurt each other it felt like hell? There wasn't anything about us that was "safe" We were real. That's what made it hell. But when we had our good days, god they were amazing. That was real, gut wrenching happiness." I looked down; I could not bring myself to look at her, why was she doing this? Bringing "us" up wasn't helping anything. I could feel my anger bubbling to the surface again. "Hey, look at me, safe is running away from what is real. So, who is running now?" The anger resurfaced, I was livid. She doesn't know anything about my relationship with Marlow, who the hell does she think she is. But mostly I'm angry because I know she's right, but it still pisses me off. "Shut up Andy, just shut up. You don't know anything about my relationship with Marlow, and who we are!" I could see a bit of a smirk at the edge of her mouth wanting to curl into a smile. She looked at me with those big brown doe eyes. "Ah, did I strike a nerve Sammy? YOU seem to forget that you and I am the EXACT same person. I know about your relationship with Marlow because I can see right through you."
I took a step back, and crossed my arms in an unconscious gesture that seemed to give me some sort of protection. It was my turn to speak "You're wrong, I am not running. I am just tired. Tired of putting everything I ever had into "us", when all it ever did was bring me pain. You walked away with my heart each time you left, I couldn't do it again." I said in in a whisper but it was still firm.
"You're right Sam, but I do know that you and I don't have anywhere to go, because we don't trust each other. I don't trust you." I could hear the sobs coming back into her voice. "I'm sorry I came here tonight, but I needed clarity I guess, because nothing in my life makes sense anymore" silent tears ran down her face as she turned to leave. I could literally feel my heart breaking all over again, because I was losing her for a second time, but there was nothing I could do, because we both hurt each other so bad, that this time we may never come back from it. I will always love her, but there is no fixing "us" because there is no "us" anymore. Not even a shred of hope. As she reached for the doorknob, I let one last declaration slip pasted my lips, regrettably. "You say I broke your heart, well you got me back…" She stopped, but didn't turn around. When she closed the door behind her, I slowly walked back to when I felt my legs hit the couch and I flopped lifelessly back down. All I could do was stare and wonder how was it that we got so fucked up, and how was it that we lost all that we are.
Well, I hope you all enjoyed, let me know what you guys thought. Please review. Have a great day!