I'm sort of ashamed of this... Not for twilight fans, that's for sure. I guess it's a 'crackfic'. Enjoy.
Episode 1: Boys, boys, boys!
So, I was being my amazingly perfect self, living my amazingly perfect life with my amazingly perfect husband (who I have amazingly perfect sex with) and my amazingly perfect daughter when (Gasp!) something not amazingly perfect happened. My amazing, perfect, psycho, sparkly hot vampire/fairy/sex-god/husband and my beautiful, wonderful, totally shy and modest self were walking through the sunny forest being all perfect and sparkly-like. Then Edward broke.
"NO! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I'M A SPARKLY FAILED ATTEMPT AT THE PERFECT GUY LIVING WITH A STUPPID MARY-SUE WIFE WITHOUT A PERSONALITY! KILL ME NOW, VOLTURI!"
Then he dived out of the forest into the crowded streets of Italy where he was raped to death by his fangirls. All that was left was a pile of sparkly goo.
"No! My smoothie-tastic!" I shouted in woe (while being sparkly).
"What the fuck?" said the goo.
"I mean… No… My love…" I replied weakly.
"Whatever." Said the annoyed sounding goo.
"Sooo…." I said in an attempt to fix the conversation.
"Promise me, just promise me one last thing, Bella." He said in a random and unnecessary sailor moon reference.
"Sure."
"Don't forget me."
"Oh, okay. So I CAN sell your goo to fangirls on ebay."
"You ruined the moment."
"There was a moment?"
"There was, until you ruined it."
"Oh." And then he died. "Now you're dead. I wonder what the goo tastes like!" I stuck a finger into it and tasted. "Tastes like glitter! Oh, right! Edward is dead! I'm depressed, let's go cry to Jacob!"
"No!" shouted a random blonde girl with glasses, dragging an anime character behind her. "We have to drown Miyuki in the goo first!"
"Okay…"
So she did, then the scene changed.
"JAAAKKKKEEE!" I shouted, running into his house totally uninvited. He should have been standing there waiting for me but was busy making out with my young daughter instead.
"How many times do I have to tell you how creepy that is?" I said, making what I thought was a cute pout.
"I'm a dog so it's okay."
"Oh, yeah I forgot about that." I said with a nod, remembering the rules of my screwed up life. "Oh, right, I'm totally depressed because Edward died so I'm going to be mary-sue on you again!"
"But he's my puppy!" whined Renesmee.
"Threesome?" Jacob suggested.
"Sure!"
"Oh! Right I'm depressed! Hold me Jakie!"
"Why are you depressed again?"
"I… I broke the disco stick!"
"You broke Edward's penis?"
"No. I broke Edward!"
"Oh."