Summary: Harry Style's lived a rough life. He's went to drastic measures to keep his sanity, even losing some of it in the process. All He needs is his music, even though he is totally convinced he's a terrible singer. But what happens when a boy named Louis Tomlinson just burst into his life? Will it make him happier... or make things spiral out of control?
Author's Note: This story is M! And it gets deeper and darker with every chapter, so be prepared for some really heavy stuff. Larry, Niam, Ziam, Zarry.
Chapter One: Waiting, Harry's POV
I awoke to the harsh sound of my alarm clock ringing in my ear. I smashed it onto the floor, but it landed on a pile of dirty clothes, so sadly it did not break.
I groaned and lifted myself from my bed, my naked body getting goosebumps from the morning air. I shivered as I removed my covers and reached down to pick up and turn off my alarm clock. As it stopped and I set it down on my bedside counter, I reached into my drawer to grab some boxers and skinny jeans. Then, in my closet, I grabbed a black and white plaid shirt and hopped into the shower.
I washed, rinse, and repeated my thick brown curls, then after ten minutes hopped out of the shower. I wrestled into my skinny jeans and pulled on my shirt. After blow drying my hair, I went back in my room and walked into my closet, pulling out a black vinyl guitar case and plopped down onto my bed.
I opened it gently, and it revealed a beautiful, 40'' acoustic guitar, black with a silver outline. It had an amazing shiny gloss to it that made it look stunning. But truth it, I had bought it from a thrift store when I was twelve for 20 pounds. I just did my best to take care of it, because it was my only thing that kept me sane. I had taught myself to play, using and instructional book I found in the case when I bought it, and various internet sites that provided me with the fingerings, so I didn't really need professional lessons.
I started strumming, and quietly sang. [note: I do not own Moments by 1D! But it's amazing 3]
If we could only have this life for one more day
If we could only turn back time
[CHORUS]
You know I'll be
Your life
Your voice
Your reason to be
My love
My heart
Is breathing for this
Moment, in time I'll find the words to say
Before you leave me today.
I concluded the song, feeling peaceful and content with my life. But after the strumming pattern, I was knocked back into the real world, where nothing was ever alright.
I had written the song myself, when I was 14. After seeing a story of a girl with cancer on the news, I decided to write her a song and send it to her. But by the time I got this small snippet of the song completed, she had sadly passed away. I couldn't bring myself to trash it, so instead I called it Moments and attempted to finish the song. But I never could. It just never felt right.
I sighed and strummed "Stereo Hearts" by Gym Class Heroes. I had always wanted to be a singer... but according to my parents I would never be good enough. Well, my father. I still remembered the day I sang to him. His exact words? I can't even bear to remember them. My mom? Just walked out of the room crying. I didn't know what that meant... but I just assumed it was bad, like the rest of my terrible life.
After about 20 more minutes of strumming and playing popular mainstream song I had heard on the radio, I checked the clock and it was was 6:00am in the morning. School didn't start until 8:45am. I decided to put my guitar back in the closet and walk to school early and catch some fresh air.
After setting it away, I walked past my parents room to here them fighting, sending vulgar comebacks at each other. I put in my earphones, blasting Pink Floyd into my ears so I wouldn't hear the hate. I didn't need it.
As I walked out the door, I looked around me. The sun was dull as it raised an effort to lift itself into the sky. The clouds floated over like marshmallows, which made me smile a little.
I walked down the block, and stopped by a nearby coffee shop to grab a coffee for the walk. I sat on a bench in Liberty Park and watched the birds sing, wishing I could be like them. So free to do as they please, and all around happy with life. And they also always had a home to go back to. That nest was like their foundation. If only I wasn't alone, everything would be different.
I got bored of life thinking after about five minutes, and I decided to stop by my friend's house.
I walked for about five minutes, and then I turned a corner to see a small house where Zayn lived. Zayn and I had known each other since fifth grade. When I was being bullied for straightening my curls, Zayn stepped in and beat their asses for me, and even took me home with him for some video games and stuff. He was a real nice guy, but he also had a deep side, which made it easy for me to talk about the hard stuff in life.
I knocked on his door. I heard a groan from behind the walls as Zayn's tan body opened the door, his chest bare and a towel wrapped around his waist. "Grr, Harry I was fucking busy! But come on in anyways." He growled. I laughed and walked inside. On the couch I saw Niall Horan, clad in only his boxers, blushing like a madman.
It was no secret that Zayn was gay. He was very public about everything. Niall was Zayn's Irish boyfriend who he's been dating since 7th grade. They met when Zayn again was superhero and saved Niall from a rapid beating from some homophobic guys. Of course, you know where the story goes from there. They were an amazing couple, but Niall wasn't as into the PDA thing as Zayn, because his parents didn't except him. It got so bad, he actually moved in with Zayn. Which has led to the current situation I'm in, staring at little Niall in his boxer shorts.
"Looking sexy Niall." I said with a wink and a sip of my coffee. Niall's pale cheeks turned pink as he pulled a blanket over his body. Zayn walked in behind me, carrying two pairs of pants in his hands. "Bro, I told you to call if your ever coming over, because ya know... the circumstances." he said, putting emphasis on the last few words, implying the fact he lived with his boyfriend. I sighed. "I'm sorry Zany-boo." I said, hugging him. I could almost feel Niall wince behind Zayn. Niall knew the fact Zayn had liked me until Zayn had met him. Zayn had even been my first kiss. So even seeing me near him hurt him. But I did it anyways because Zayn was my best friend, and I was allowed to be close to him right?
I pulled away from Zayn, and went over to hug Niall lightly. I sat on the couch and watched them both pull on pairs of gym shorts. Zayn, still a little pissed at me, stole my coffee and said he was gonna get ready for school. " Come Niall, let us shower." Zayn said, lightly pulling Niall's hand in that Romeo and Juliet way. Niall's beautiful blue orbs lit up, and I groaned. "Please keep the volume to minimum, please?" Zayn laughed. "Hey, this is pay back for being a cock block, ass hole." Zayn said, as he out his arms around Niall's waist and kissed him. They both giggled like girls as they clambered upstairs.
I sighed. Niall and Zayn had been dating since they were 13. I was simply a player as most of my exes put it. If only they knew. My last girlfriend I had in the end of 8th grade, Samantha, was a lot to me. We had dated for nine months, and I was almost certain she was the one considering that had been my longest relationship, but I had found out she cheated on me. It caused me to be depressed, and everything had spiraled down. I developed a lot of problems during Freshman year. But I couldn't blame it all on Sam, I mean my parents fucked up, too.
My thoughts were interrupted by Niall's moans from upstairs. I grimaced, a little embarrassed about hearing such a private moment. I decided to silently leave the house and let them have sexual relations in peace.
As I walked out of the house, I felt a pang of jealousy strike me. I didn't want to be single, I wanted to be in love. I didn't even know my sexuality. I had never dated or had sex with a guy, but after my kiss with Zayn, it had changed everything. Zayn had confessed his feelings for me when we had went to the park, and then when I said I don't know, he had kissed me. It was definitely an amazing kiss, but I said no. Maybe it was a sign, maybe I was a jerk, I didn't know. All I knew is if I had to be single, maybe Zayn could be my stand in.
I arrived at school. Of course I was here about and hour and a half early, but I didn't care. The janitor left the door unlocked 24/7, so I was always able to get inside the school. The hallway cameras were all either fake or they weren't thoroughly watched over. So I walked down the hallway with ease, slipping my books into my locker and just taking my notebook, backpack, and guitar pick.
I walked down the hallway, and found myself inside of the music room. It was my favorite thing about school. I had it for my last class, so I always had something to look forward to. Inside were as many instruments as you could think of. But my favorite thing was the music teacher's guitar. It was brand new, and it was signed by some famous band. It had that sunburst color, and of course it was a Gibson. The strings were nylon, and I liked that pretty metal sound it created when you held the strings too hard.
I plugged in my earphones and turned on a random song and played along.
[I do not own Can't Stand It by NeverShoutNever! But it's like my favorite song 3]
Baby, I love you
I never want to let you go
The more I think about,
The more I want to let you know:
That everything you do,
Is super fucking cute
And I can't stand it
I've been searching for
A girl that's just like you
Cause I know
That your heart is true
Baby, I love you
I never want to let you go
The more I think about,
The more I want to let you know:
That everything you do,
Is super duper cute
And I can't stand it
Let's sell all our shit,
And run away
To sail the ocean blue
Then you'll know,
That my heart is true
Baby, I love you
I never want to let you go
The more I think about,
The more I want to let you know:
That everything you do,
Is super duper cute
And I can't stand it
You, you got me where you want me
Cause I'll do anything to please you
Just to make it through:
Another year
You, I saw you across the room
And I knew that this is gonna
Blossom into something beautiful.
You're beautiful.
Baby, I love you
I never want to let you go
The more I think about,
The more I want to let you know:
That everything you do,
Is super duper cute
And I can't stand it
No I can't stand it
No I can't stand it
I sang along aloud, pretty sure nobody was in the room with me. The song flowed naturally from my lips, and it pleased me to feel that small high I developed whenever I sang. The music was my escape from life. From the hate, the abuse, the physical, emotional, and mental pain. I was like a obscure drug addict, the music being my ecstasy. It was as if my head was up in the clouds, floating higher and higher, until the song was over.
In hopes of staying high, I closed my eyes even tighter than before. I didn't want to see the world around me. I wanted it to be me and the music.
Just then I hear clapping.
My jerk open and I turn around, to come face to face with a brown haired, blue-eyed cutie who had eavesdropped on my singing.
He was tall, but he was a few inches shorter than me. He wore giant nerdy glasses that magnified his eyes. He wore a long sleeved striped shirt that sort of reminded me of a sailor, and bright red skinny jeans. The ends of the long sleeve were cuffed playfully in his hands, like you see those adorable anime girls did. He had ocean blue eyes that smiled back at me with pure joy. Even his presence made me feel warm.
"By God, that was amazing!" He said. He had this impish grin that was adorable. I fumbled around my words. "I uh no I was just... what the fuck are you doing in here?" I said. His eyes flashed hurt, ad his smile turned down a bit. "Well then. I was just walking by when I heard your singing. I thought I'd tell you that you were awesome, but I guess you don't like me apparently." He said, crossing his arms over his chest.
I tugged at the curls in my head, as I always did when I was nervous. "Hey I'm sorry I just don;t sing in front of people." I set the guitar down and grabbed my bag to bustle out the door. "Wait!" He yelled, but I didn't even bother to turn around. I kept walking. Farther and farther away from the guy who had made me weak in the knees, and saw me sing. I mean, it wasn't like a crime to see somebody sing, but at least tell me your standing there... Who am I kidding I didn't even know the guy! He was just a random dude being a creeper. I wasn't even that good. I knew I wasn't...
Time had flew by and people were gathering in the hallways. I decided to sit in the library and skip first period. I pulled out my notebook, and wrote out scattered thoughts onto the page. A lyric here, and a cuss word there. It was amazing how one little thing like this made me feel better.
I flipped the page and stared at it. Since it was completely blank, I decided to write about that motherfucker in the music room.
THINGS ABOUT STRANGER IN THE MUSIC ROOM
He was tall, but shorter than me.
He acted childish and silly.
He had gorgeous blue eyes.
His chin was a bit stubbly.
His eyes reminded me of the sea.
His voice was higher pitched.
He seemed to like stripes.
The glasses he was wearing were big and nerdy, but made his eyes look pretty.
His smile was contagious.
His laughter was like dripping honey.
His are were... Wow.
I noticed I had written about his eyes a lot. They were astonishing.
"Watcha writing?"
I turned around to see the same guy I was writing about in my journal reading my personal entry. I quickly closed my notebook, and tossed it into my bag. "Don't fucking sneak up on me like that God dammit." I growled. The hurt look returned to his eyes. "I'm sorry, again." His eyes were wide orbs, like puppies. "It's OK, it's my fault as well as yours." He said, pulling up a chair next to me. He certainly wasn't shy. "You forgot this in the music room." He said, pulling out my guitar pick. I was surprised. I must have rushed out to fast that I forgot it.
I took it out of his hand. "Thanks guy, that's really nice of you." He smiled bright, then extended his hand. "I'm Louis Tomlinson." I looked at it, but didn't except shake it for some reason. "I'm Harry, and I prefer you didn't sneak up on me at random times and invade my privacy." I murmured, picking up a random bookfrom the table that had been abandoned by it's previous owner. I flipped through the pages, wondering why it was so pink and frilly...
"Um, Harry if your trying to hide your feelings for me you aren't doing a very good job." Louis giggled. I blushed pink at the accusation. "Who says I have feelings for-" I stopped talking when I noticed the book was entitled The Guide To Love At First Sight.
"Aww, you love lil' ole' me?" He said in a mock country bumpkin accent, and used his hand to fan his face girlishly. It was pretty fucking cute, to be honest. "I don't have feelings for you." I said, slamming the book roughly on the table a little more harshly than intended. He winced, but he didn't cease his pestering. "Hey, I'm sorry bro, I was just kidding. Are you homophobic? Well your beliefs are yours. And I have to ask you... Are my eyes really that pretty?" He said, batting his lashes. I felt somewhat exposed with Louis around. "Now who says I was writing about you?" I said, popping one earphone and blasting Anti-Flag. Louis giggled again, this time filled with even more bubbly essence than the last time. "Obviously it was about me. I mean I do rock my striped shirts, if I do say so myself. And whatcha listenin' to?" He said, once again annoyingly poking over my shoulder.
He made a face. "Ew why so serious? I mean it's great and all that you support the rise and fall of mankind and all that, but listen to something more like... This!" With that, Louis ninja flipped onto the table and layed on his side like a Calvin Klein model. He cleared his throat, and then began to sing.
[Don't own Valerie by the Zutons, but so pretty! 3]
'Cos since I've come on home
Well my body's been a mess
And I've missed your ginger hair
And the way you like to dress
Won't you come on over
Stop making a fool out of me
Why won't you come on over Valerie
Valerie
Valerie
Valerie?
Louis sang like and angel. He had a high voice, but it was perfectly pitched that way. It also made him see all the more happier, and I didn't think that was possible with this guy.
"See Harry? I think you would love music like that if ya gave it a chance." Louis said, him now on his belly and his legs kicked up in the air.
God dammit. Why was this dude so fucking cute?
"Not my type. But I like your singing." I said, making my music a little louder to try to distract me from how nice his butt looked in those jeans.
Really? Awwzies!" He said with that cute kitty emoticon face [:3]. Next thing I knew, Louis was hugging me across the neck. Physical contact made me feel all electrified. It felt as if I was listening to music, that high was amazing. I had the urge to throw my arms around him, like me and Zayn had done countless times before, but I had resisted. I hated feeling so exposed!
He pulled away, and looked at me with a concerned look on his face. I noticed my teeth had clenched, and my muscles were very tense. I released myself, exuding a big exhale. "Sorry... I don't like being touched." I murmured, opening my notebook and doodling on a blank page.
Louis nodded understandingly, taking off his sweater to reveal a toned chest underneath. "I don't know if it's legal or not, but it's hotter than a desert out here! How can you wear that flannel?" He asked, playing with the cuff of my shirt. I snatched my arm away, not wanting him to see what was under. "Oh, Harry come on, I'm pretty sure the librarian won't mind, she's been giving you the eye anyways." He said with a wink. He fingered my cuff again. "Louis, stop!" I growled. I stood up, pushing my chair back and walked away. I didn't want him to see them. Nobody knew! Not Zayn, not Niall, not my parents... Nobody. And some fucking retarded ass motherfucker that I just met was going to change that.
I left Louis at the table, a stunned look on his face as he put back on his shirt. Fucking adorable goof ball... He didn't know the half of what was going on. Why... why was he so happy? Why did he have to make all the barriers I worked so hard to put up melt away? Why could just his smile and that twinkle in his beautiful blue eyes make me want to smile? Why was he so perfect?
I walked down the hallway, ignoring the fact I was passing by open classroom doors and that some teachers were telling me to go to class. I burst into the empty bathroom at the end of the long narrow highway. I slammed the door, locked it, and looked in the mirror. Looked to see my face, everything that I did not want to be. Next thing I knew, I ripped off my shirt.
Scars.
Dozens and dozens of scars riddled my arms and chest. I could even remember some of the special ones. Two over my heart for my ex-girlfriend Sam. Three on my wrist from the first time I cut. One on my shoulder for when my father called me fat. I looked at it all, knowing I did it because I didn't want the emotional pain, everything that could've ever happened has happened to me. My body was ugly anyways, it deserved being mutilated like it was. All I ever did was hurt others, and prove what they said about me was right. A stupid, fat, ugly, whore that didn't deserve to smile, didn't deserve to be happy.
Didn't deserve to be alive.
I searched in my backpack for something... anything that would help make the pain go away. I pulled out my ink pen, the one I had so many countless times used to write songs with. I searched for a clean spot. Found it. Right over the center of my ribcage.
I pressed hard, then yanked. Immediately all my pain was gone, released through the small rivulet of blood that coursed down my chest. I looked in the mirror, feeling somewhat content with the events. I did it again, once more on my left wrist and my waist.
I washed the tip off and threw it in my backpack. The blood on my abdomen had dried, but my wrist still dripped eagerly. I sat there, and watched it continue to bleed, ignoring the swimming feeling in my head.
"Harry are you OK? I'm sorry if I offended you or something..." came Louis' high pitched voice from the other end of the door. I tensed, and hurriedly put my shirt on. "I'm just... nothing I needed to go to the bathroom." I said. Louis sat silent on the other end of the door. "Well, I have to go. But I'll see you around some time? second period is about to start... don't get in trouble." Louis said as happily as could be.
I said nothing, wiping the now dried blood from my wrist. I sat there, thinking of Louis. Maybe he had problems, like his mom not being able to give him lunch money, but he would never understand what I went through. No one would ever understand. Especially not some weirdo like Louis. I just wish he would leave me alone!
And that night, I couldn't wait to see him at school again, to experience the high he gave me.
Ending crappy shit I know ;o But please no flamming! And R&R nicely :D