"In a moment we lost our minds here, and dreamt the world was round, the million mile fall from grace, thank god we missed the ground…" – Live (Run To The Water)
Castiel hadn't wanted to remember much about what he'd done. The angels had fallen and it was all his doing. Metatron had won, that was all there was to it. The ex-angel felt defeated, he felt hopeless, but most of all lost. Lost and confused. His grace was gone, trapped like a tiger in a cage up in heaven in one of Metatron's various contraptions. The world Castiel had once helped to save was at his feet again begging for mercy and forgiveness for whatever it had done to deserve a fate like this. As he felt the wind blow through his hair, he contemplated everything.
About a month after the initial mistake Cas had made in placing his trust in Metatron and causing the great fall of the angels, Cas had managed to find the Winchesters again. He found them in a sorry state though. Sam was a broken man trying to heal on his own two feet, Dean was a royal mess, tears traced constellations on his lashes and his eyes were as red as a Northern sunset, and Cas well he was too far gone…he'd broken too much to try and fix anything else. He wondered if it was even worth finding the brothers again.
Sam had been a cracked shell ever since perdition. His mind was one big flaming ball of fire and despair. Dean was slightly more composed, he had his demons though. But trying to catch the boy's emotions in one look was like trying to catch ripped up paper in a tiny paper cup, you always only got bits and pieces while the others fell to the ground. Cas had tried hard to read them both before, mostly Dean though he'd admit. The man was like an oyster, when you tried to pry him open he clamped shut. Even now as Cas studied Dean he got nothing, just bitter determination and hate from the hunter.
Cas had spent most of time now barely speaking. He felt as if he'd failed Dean and Dean was angry at him. He didn't talk much to Dean, although when Dean asked something of him Cas didn't hesitate to comply. Cas wished he had his powers, his grace, only then was he ever able to tell what Dean was thinking and feel his emotions, and what sad emotions they were most times. Castiel often wondered if the man had ever had a happy moment in his life.
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Dean felt nothing. There was nothing to feel. They'd lost and that was all there was to it. He'd refused to believe that for so damn long, but a month was all he could take. No amount of guitar riffs, mindless sex with random women, or headache inducing alcohol could make him forget what they'd done. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept. He'd dreamt night after night about the day the angels fell and how he just stood there like an awe stricken idiot with no intent on moving. He'd longed to forget that day.
He wished he could talk to Cas, but Cas hadn't spoken since that day either. He wanted to tell the angel all he was feeling, he'd like to break down and weep and punch and scream. Anything to release the pressure that filled him like a thousand helium balloons made out of lead and ready to burst. He wanted that so badly, but for now he'd sufficed in biting down so hard on his knuckles that they gushed blood.
He'd had white bandages with brown rusty blood stains on both his hands for weeks. The bleeding just wouldn't stop, but then again maybe Dean didn't want to…
He wanted to feel something after all…
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Sam's head had been pounding and spinning non-stop. He felt sick and confused. He'd seen the angels falling, but it hadn't really registered. Dean had carried him outside and leaned him against the cool body of the Impala. The heat that had radiated off of Sam's forehead had been unbearable. The taller Winchester brother had never felt more helpless and scared in his life. He was tainted, that was all there was to it. Tainted as the day God made him.
Even now he stared at his hands and everything he'd ever touched seemed tainted now. Like it would turn evil the second he removed his giant hands. He had never felt more alone than he did now. He could only help but wonder if Gabriel was among the fallen, sure the archangel had died, but Sam could only hope he'd get to see him again.
He really did miss the little trickster.
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The answer to their prayers came in the form of none other than Balthazar. He wandered up to the old Singer junkyard one day and knocked on the door. He looked tired and a little worse for wear, but he wore that same grin he always did.
Cas greeted him with an array of questions first, mostly about his sudden appearance and him actually being alive. Dean was speechless and Sam hadn't quite comprehended what the former angel was doing on the doorstep. Balthazar had somehow found most of the angels, with a little help from his trusty assistant Gabriel who had returned from the dead as well. The pair had been working hard since the fall and had managed to gather up almost all the angels that fell somehow.
Without hesitation Dean, Sam and Cas had packed themselves along with Balthazar into the Impala and driven off to the "base camp" as Balthazar entitled it, where all of the former angels were being kept safe and sound. He'd hopped out of the car the second they'd arrived and let Dean, Sam and Cas through the gates which were guarded by two former archangels in Castiel's and his Garrison.
The place was abuzz with life when Team Free Will entered. Tents were set up, fires were burning for warmth in the fall chill, and elder former angels were tending to the young and old alike. Dean had never seen a more tight knit community since his hometown and that was saying something.
"Everyone is taken care of I assure you," Balthazar said, he motioned to a tent that Gabriel calmly stepped out of and smirked at Sam, winking and walking over to Team Free Will and Balthazar. "Gabriel has been most helpful, as have many others."
"Right he is," Gabriel chuckled. "Although I must say, having your wings torn off when you've got two must be painful, but having six I mean damn that hurt!"
Sam was glad Gabriel could find humor in such a dismal situation. That was what he liked most about the archangel. Cas simply stared at his elder brother with shame. Dean found no words or expressions for that moment; he simply stared ahead at a group of angels huddled by a fire.
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Sam had eventually gone with Gabriel to catch up. Cas had found a spot underneath a nearby willow tree by the lake and Dean sat with Balthazar by the fire, warming his hand. The flames danced upwards and encased his face in a warm orange glow. He looked up and over at Cas then back to Balthazar.
"Dean," Balthazar said. "An angel's anger is a dangerous machine, an angel's shrill cry is piercing it's like a bird of prey mixed with someone dropping metal on metal, but an angel's silence…well that's the greatest danger of all…"
Dean sighed and stared at Balthazar for a few moments before walking over and sitting down next to Cas.
"Nice night isn't it?" he looked up at the stars that littered the sky like the freckles on his cheeks.
"Yes…" Cas muttered breathlessly to himself.
"Cas," Dean said. "It's not your fault…"
"Yes it is Dean," Cas replied, now looking the hunter in the eyes. "I failed again, I failed heaven, I failed earth, and I failed you…all over again."
"Cas no one is perfect," Dean said. "Not even angels…"
"I don't understand why you forgive me," Cas asked. "Why you still trust me, why I matter anymore…"
There were a few moments of silence before anyone spoke.
"I read a poem in high school," Dean stated. "I hated school, still hate the idea of it, but for some reason, some damn reason, this poem kinda spoke to me yah know?"
Cas tilted his head in Dean's direction waiting for what he had to say.
"So much depends upon a red wheelbarrow," Dean said, never breaking his eyes from Cas'. "Glazed with rainwater, beside the white chickens…"
Cas didn't seem to quite understand, his look was one of confused mixed with "you must be joking".
"You matter Cas," Dean took the former angel's hand and squeezed it. "You're a red wheelbarrow, sure you may feel dented and rusted and sometimes feel insignificant, but you matter Cas…you matter and I wouldn't have you any other way."
Cas looked back into Dean's eyes and smiled at him. Dean, for the first time in weeks, smiled too.
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Team Free Will spent two weeks at "base camp" that October. Dean had perfected a reversal spell that had taken numerous hours of concentration and gathering. It was perfect. Balthazar and Gabriel had seen them off and wished them luck in their endeavor.
When Team Free Will arrived at the church they'd avoided for weeks that month there was heaviness in the air. It was an hour before dawn and all was quiet and still.
"If this works the sun will shine again, if it doesn't darkness shall linger forever more."
Dean had remembered Balthazar's words exactly as he'd recited them. He prayed to every God he'd ever heard of or known that this would work somehow. The trio stood, alone with nothing but their breath being heard.
"It is time." Cas nodded at Dean as the hunter stepped forward into a puddle. The book he carried felt heavy in his hands and he looked upwards.
Dean recited every word perfectly without a syllable or vowel missing. There suddenly was a rush of energy felt and Dean fell to his knees, the book dropping to the ground beside him. Dean felt it. He felt it working!
Suddenly Cas and Sam looked upwards, bright lights shone through the clouds and angels, angels by the dozen were floating up into them, slowly regaining their wings and powers. Dean opened his eyes and let out a thunderous laugh as tears poured from his emerald green eyes. The rain begun to fall, but the sun still rose with a fury and a passion, its rays shining in every direction and touching every corner of mother earth. Dean rose from his spot, the knees of his jeans covered in mud and soaked but he didn't care.
The rain fell upon him like a thousand thundering colts. Cas watched with a smile on his face as the two brothers ran into the puddles that surrounded them, smiling and laughing with happy tears leaking from their eyes.
Cas watched the two brothers. Sam's pure laughter was like angels singing, it was music to Cas' ears. Cas watched Dean lift his arms to the sky in triumph and scream out in joy and exaltation as the rain fell down. For only a moment Dean and Cas' eyes met and the rest of the world didn't exist, for they knew they had done it again…
And this time, they had no one to blame but themselves.
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This Oneshot came to me while listening to Run To The Water by Live which is an amazing song btw and you all should listen to it.