Kudos for the feller who gets the AVPS ref.
Harry rubbed his scar in an old remembered pain. He could swear the way she went on sometime she was an incarnation of Voldemort herself. "God, Hermione, why are you such a freakin' bitch?"
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" She screeched in a manner eerily reminiscent of harpies.
"I said, HERMIONE, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FREAKIN' BITCH?"
Hermione's face scrunched up in concentration. "Don't talk about your genital itches in public, Harry! That's gross. But no, really, I'm deaf in this ear so I didn't hear you. What did you say? Write it out if you can."
Ron gasped in realization. "So that's why she was yelling all the time! It all makes sense now!"
Harry decided against writing it out and let the subject drop. Telling Hermione what was what like trying take Peeves' tie – ultimately it was pointless, painful, unethical, and question-begging: after all, why in the name of Merlin would you do something that you know beforehand is futile? -it was simply an exercise in stupidity . . . an experience similar to talking to Ron, now that Harry thought about it.
He turned between the red-head and the half-deaf night troll. "Why am I friends with you again?"
Ron and Hermione looked to each other. "Because we're best friends," he answered like it was so obvious, "and because other than me and Herman, who'd you have left? Merlin's beard . . . Longbottom? Snape?"
"Well, Snape's pretty cool, but there's always Malfoy I suppose."
The two considered that option and then shared shivers of revulsion at the blond Slytherin's odd metrosexual tendencies. "Right," Harry consented, "dumb question. Still, Herman over here is a half-deaf nerd. Why? Seriously, I want an answer, I don't know why I'm friends with you guys since she's verbally abusive and frequently insults our intelligences . . ."
Hermione was unaware that the two boys were talking about her and was staring longingly down the hall they stood in at what Harry hoped was a boy but secretly knew it was just the entrance to the library, which ashamed him on a molecular level. He would've even forgiven her if she'd been staring at a girl and might've even thought that was cool, but it wasn't and he knew it and it was just downright embarrassing.
"She does our homework," Ron pointed out between chews. "But I see your point. Tell you what, let's ditch the night troll and get some nachos," Ron suggested, and Harry happily enough agreed.
"Oh my God, you thought she looked like a night troll too? I thought Malfoy and I were the only ones! It's like everyone else was blind or something."
"I know exactly what you mean, Harry."
"We have so much in common. I apologize for forgetting why we were friends earlier."
"No problem, it happens to everyone sometimes." The boy wonder dug out a book and threw it off to the side, making a loud enough bang to catch Hermione's attention – she squealed in a delighted way after the book and Harry and Ron took one look at each other before bolting off in the opposite direction, towards the kitchen.