To Whom It May Concern:
I like taking the bus. It makes me feel like I'm a regular person, not like someone who goes to sleep at night knowing there are no less that twelve armed D.S. agents on the other side of my bedroom wall.
I'm writing to you because I am suspended from school, awaiting review. I'm not sure of the exact reason I got suspended; I did a lot of things I shouldn't have done in a very short period of time. Maybe it was because I got drunk at that party and took risqué photos of the senator's daughter. Yeah, the ones on TMZ. I like to think it was some of my finer work. Or it could be because I got caught smoking in the Q block locker room with the 'cool seniors' by Dean Ward. However, the official reason is the bullshit excuse that my hair 'no longer conforms to uniform standards'. Okay, so at the aforementioned party, Amber shaved off the majority of my hair so now I'm kind of left with a faux-hawk. Sebastian said it looked cool so I don't see what the big deal is.
Dr Marcus, Ph.D. in child psychology and school counsellor extraordinaire, believes that my recent behaviour is due to 'conflict in the family environment'. I believe that the good doctor should lighten up on the cologne if he ever wants to have sex again. I'm now isolated in his office so that I do not infect the rest of the school population with my less than stellar mentality. I passed Alison in hallway (my twin - we don't like to talk about it) and the side eye was intense. I could feel her glare boring into my skull as I was escorted by the witch herself to collect my belongings from my locker. Alison was one thing; I'm just waiting for Daisy's (she works for my Mother) reaction when she finds out I'm the one behind the photos. I mean, I took risqué photographs of Senator Lester's daughter; I never posted said photographs. No, Janie's less than genius boyfriend, Michael, was responsible for that shit storm.
The McCords are becoming quite infamous at West Borough. Jason got expelled for punching out that little piece of shit; Stevie's had her very own sex scandal, and now me with my recently acquired charges. I believe Alison is trying to conjure an alternate reality where she is an only child, but evidently she is so far still unsuccessful. I mean, if I had known the series of unfortunate events that would unfold post-relocation I never would have agreed to Mom taking this job. Also, they may have me killed now, so I might have to give up my front row seat to the slow but inevitable implosion of my entire family. That shit is going to be DVR worthy.
My parents are also huge hypocrites. When I lie about something, it is justification for the removal of cell phone and laptop privileges and for the commencement of grounding. However, when Mom and Dad lie about something, Dad is off to San Diego for a religious conference and Mom is definitely not in Iran.
In conclusion, I acknowledge I have not acted in a fashion congruent with the school's code of conduct. My actions were my own and I was under no duress. I will accept full responsibility for said actions, along with any resulting punishment.
Yours somewhat sincerely,
Arlo Isabelle McCord,
Junior and reformed good person