A/N: Hey guys! I'm back. so this is a new story that I'm working on and I hope you'll like it.
Oh, if anyone wants to know when I'll update my last story "Murder" don't worry I haven't forgotten about it...I'll update it very soon!=)
Italics= past memories.
DISCLAIMER: ( Do ya think I own da turtles? *crickets chirp* Yeah, didn't think so!)
Reviews are always welcome. Enjoy!
Leonardo's P.O.V
Faith is a tricky thing, you can't go on without it but you would do anything to avoid it. People search for a way to escape reality because the idea of a higher power controlling their lives scares them. I, Hamato Leonardo am no different. I've dedicated the last twelve years of my life to my family, to my brothers.
"Leonardo, my son. you are now the leader of this family and the future head of this clan. I've meditated on this mater long and hard and it is my belief that you are the most qualified for this job. I have the outmost trust in you and I'm certain that you won't let us down."
Maybe that's where everything started to change. Maybe that's why twelve years later; I managed to lose everyone I ever cared about within a week. If I'd known that bearing this name would cost me my family, I would've never accepted it.
"Do you think you can accept such a role my son?"
I remember there was a slight hesitation in my voice, one that made me doubt my decision. It made me think of the consequences of my actions. What if I can never stay up late with Raphie again? What if I can never learn how to dissect a toaster from Donny? What if I'll never be able to play video games with Mickey? What if I would never be the same again?
Those were the thoughts I had as I replied to master's question.
"Yes"
I was six years-old and I was a fool.
"With this katana, I shall mark you a capable warrior, with this mask, I shall mark you a dutiful brother and with this name I call you Leonardo, my strong and compassionate son."
Capable, dutiful, strong and compassionate. Thinking back I can't help but wonder if those traits really belonged to me or if I was only trying to make them mine.
I remember Splinter;s final word to us very well, it is hacked into my heart like a code. I'll never be able to remove it. No matter how hard I tried to understand what it meant, I couldn't figure it out; it was only one small word…
"Blood"
I shook my head with the hopes of throwing all those painful thoughts out of my mind. They don't matter anymore. It doesn't matter who I was or what I did before. They are all in the past anyways. What does matter is here, is now; it's this eternal torture that matters most.
I've never felt so alone, so miserable.
And as I stand in this dark, empty place I once called home; white crystals blind my vision and slide down my cheeks. It's been a year since I last cried. One year since I've seen my brothers, a year without a family; a year full of helplessness. Actually, today is our one-year anniversary of separation.
I heard a crack behind me. I reached for my sword and with a swift motion, I pinned the intruder to the ground; holding my sword firmly to his throat. He was an elite ninja, one of Karai's high ranked guards and apparently, he was alone. I grabbed him by his cloak and asked" What are you doing here?"
He didn't answer. I pressed the blade harder so that droplets of blood stained my sword.
"Did karai send you?" I spat. "I thought I made myself clear last time, if any of you do as much as showing your dirty faces here the truce will be over." the ninja grunted. I opened my mouth to ask him again but stopped as I heard a small pop coming from the darkness. Before I could move, a tranque dart was shot at my arm. I immediately removed it and reached for my other sword as I looked around .It was dark and my vision was getting blurry.
Suddenly I saw shadows dancing on the ground. They were approaching me, I looked up only to be faced with The Shredder's former Elite guards; dozens of them .They were Surrounding me from every corner. By then, my head was spinning and it was hard to concentrate; four of the main Elites came closer and took out their weapons. I clutched at my Katanas and charged at them with full force, ignoring the vulnerable state I was in…
Raphael's P.O.V
Walking into the dark, thin alley I look up to observe the moon. It's a full moon tonight. It's one of those cold nights when you want nothing more that to cuddle up in a blanket with a big mug of coffee in your hand while you watch TV with your family. Family…
I clenched my fingers into a fist at the thought. I've been doing that a lot lately. Always staying alert and never letting my guard down. The guys at the bar say it's because I'm afraid of getting hurt; it's only Grey who thinks differently.
"Hey Thunder, the moon won't fall off if ya stare at it" It was Grey who was standing by the door.
I let out a small laugh and said "Yeah. I'll come in in a sec."
Grey nodded and went to head back in but stopped and asked in a sympathetic voice "You don' have'ta hide it ya know. I know you're still waiting"
I looked at the sky again just to avoid his eyes. Well, his eye to be precise; he was missing an eye and always wore a patch. He walked up to me and put a firm hand on my shoulder.
"You're not alone kid. The doors to the Freak Zone club will always be open fer ya."
"That's reassuring." I joked. He laughed and led me inside.
The "Freak Zone" club is an old bar that used to be a big restaurant in the late 80s but unfortunately, it was completely destroyed after a gas leak and the owner went broke shortly after so he allowed the place to be re-built into a full-time night club for the ones who don't quite "fit in" with the society.
"Hey guys,Thunder's here." Grey announced as we walked in the club.
"Hey thunder! I didn't think you'd show up today" That was Rosaline. She's one of the bar tenders. The only "under-age" bar tender that is. She's only fifteen.
"Isn't today the day you-"
"Leave it Rose." Grey said in a warning manner and put two bottles of whiskey on the table. One for me and one for himself.
Rose shot him a dirty look and went to get more shots. L.J , who was playing the piano at the far side of the bar turned his head to face me and gave me a short nod; I turned around and tried to draw my attention to something else. There were a bunch of new "customers" in the corner playing pool. They all wore ski masks with black leather jackets. They kind of looked like professional rubbers in their costumes.
Anyone who enters "Freak Zone" has to have a costume. That's the rule. This club only accepts "Freaks"; the ones who come to this place either have no where else to go or have a reason to hide their true self. I'm no different. Except for Grey, no one knows the truth behind my "costume".
I looked at Grey poured me a shot of whiskey in his pirate costume and passed it to me.
"Wanna talk bout'it?"
I drank my shot and asked"Talk about what?"
Grey gave me the look that said "you know exactly what."
"There's nothin ta talk bout Grey. I'm okay really. I've forgotten all about them…It won't matter if I never see them again"
Grey gave me a sad smile, he leaned closer to the table and asked in a low voice "Then why are you still waiting for him to come?"
I sighed and took the whiskey bottle out of Grey's hand and started gulping it down. With every drink, my mind became fuzzier.
It doesn't matter anymore…
"It doesn't matter where you go Raph!" Leo shouted in the dark alley. "No matter how far you run I'll find you!" His eyes where shining under the moonlight.
I'll forget about everything…
"I'll wait until we forget everything! I won't come until we get over this…"
I don't need a family…
"You, Mickey and Donny. I'll find you all when the time comes. We can be a family again."
Once again, the door to the Freak Zone club opened with a loud creek; but this time, there were no lonely idiots with freaky costumes at the door. They wore costumes for sure, but I knew them too well…I felt their presence even before they walked in.
The Foot.
I reached for my Sais. The empty bottle of whiskey slipped off my hand and shattered to pieces.
Everything happened so fast. I don't remember when the music stopped playing or how L.J ended up lying on a pool of blood. All I remember is hearing Rosaline's terrified scream and Grey's voice shouting my name…my real name…
"Wait for me Raph, I'll come get you once we stop hating each other so much…"
I don't hate you anymore, any of you…
"Even if it takes us years to get passed this its ok."
I'm already passed it…
"Goodbye Raphael."
fifteen years ago, on that cold night, in that dark alley, I stood. I stood as I watched my brother walk away just as the other two did. And that moment, I wondered what faith would put in my way. A little further down the block, there was a neon sign blinking, a sign that said "welcome to the Freak zone night club" I wondered how things would change in the future…
Donny, Mickey, my baby brothers, where are guys? Are you doing well? Or are you just as miserable as me?
Leo, I'm already over it…so why won't you come and get me?
Donatello's P.O.V
Beep…
Beep…
Beep.
I open my eyes with the sound of my alarm clock everyday. Now, the funny thing about these annoying devices is that they are only bought by people who have a reason to wake up every morning. They belong to those who don't want to miss even a single moment of their lives no matter what. And so, they set up an alarm clock every night to help them remember why they should wake up from the dream world. I'm no different. Except that I don't have anyone worth waking up for, nor do I have an interest in my life. But I still own one because it makes me feel organized; it makes me feel as if I still have some kind of control over my life.
I got out off my bed and rubbed my eyes; I don't know why I'm so tired these days; it's as if something's sucking the life out of me…maybe it's because I don't see the point in living anymore. I pushed passed the thoughts as I heard the door click open.
"Donny, I'm here"
"Hey April. You're early today" I walked up to her and noticed she was carrying three big paper bags.
"What are those?" I asked as I helped her carry them to the kitchen.
"Groceries. What did you think? I thought maybe you would need them since you don't have anything else other than coffee in this place."
"I have food"
"Really? Like what?" she asked in an annoyed tone. When I didn't answer, she sighed and sat on the chair in front of my computer.
"What am I going to do with you Don?" Her voice was sad and desperate.
I looked down and rubbed the back of my neck. What was I supposed to tell her? She knows the truth anyways. She knows that everyday I wake up at four o'clock in the morning and do nothing but random research on my computer as I stare at my watch every five seconds hoping that time would pass by faster?
April knows everything. After all, she's been coming down here everyday for the past year.
We didn't say anything for a few minutes until April decided to break the silence.
"Why don't you just give up?"
"Wha-"
"Face it Donny, this show that you're putting on-"she pointed to me "is not working."
I looked down again as if I was trying to burn a hole on the ground by staring at it closely.
"You are wasting you're life like this! Making up excuses like doing crappy research won't get you any where Don. Are you planning on hiding yourself in here forever? Just stop it. I know you're blaming yourself for what happened but it-"
"DON'T TELL ME IT WASN'T MY FAULT!" The house went dead silent.
"DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME I'M MAKING UP EXCUSES" April looked terrified as I was practically screaming my lungs out.
But it doesn't matter. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of this life; I'm tired of this place, tired of everything…
"You don't get it April, I-I hated them! I wished they were dead…
"I hate you! I hate you all…!"
"We would've been fine without you Leo!"
"For once in you life stop messing things up Raph!"
"What the hell were you doing when I was gone Donny?!"
"If only we were a little bit more understanding…"
"How did it come to this? You were once loyal brothers to one another; you were a perfect team, a whole. What on earth made you do this to yourselves?"
"Answer me Raphael! This is the third time this has happened. Leonardo! I expected more from you. Michelangelo, explain yourself. Donatello…your brothers are bleeding, help them."
"If I hadn't allowed my anger to blind me that day…"
"I won't"
"If I'd stopped hating their guts so much and attended to their wounds…"
"This is the last chance I'm giving you boys. Either one of you steps up and gives me a good reason why I shouldn't take away your birth right as ninjas right now, or I'm going to have to make a decision."
"If I'd stepped up and begged for forgiveness that night…"
"I won't…they're not my brothers anymore."
"Then Master Splinter wouldn't have died the way he did!"
Tears ran down my face as I collapsed into April's arms and cried my heart out.
"Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michelangelo. I've made a decision; one which I think is for the best…"
"None of this would've happened…"I said between my sobs." A-And now I'm all alone, I've lost everything and I'm just as useless as ever."
"I'm no longer your father and you are not my children... since I was the one to bring and raise you together, I'll be the one to separate you as well. There is no place for you here, not until you realize how much you need one another; you all must follow your own paths and gain your own experiences; only then, you'll know what it means to have someone as close as a brother next to you."
Tump..."Leo!"
"April" I sniffed, "Do you think he knew what was going to happen? Was that why he told Leo before he-"I asked with a muffled voice.
"Donny you-"April's voice was cut off by the sound of something exploding. Suddenly, the air smelled funny. It was as if I was breathing into a sac full of gasoline. My head was hurting and I couldn't see April anymore.
As my mind faded away, I asked myself if there is a way to turn back time, a way to change things.
But if I were to go back, what would I change?
Fifteen years ago, as I stood beside my bleeding brothers and denied my relationship with them I wondered, is this really how our story ends? I don't know where faith is going to take me this time; I don't know what I'll do next. But, one thing I know for certain is that if I die now, the last memories of my life would be filled with regret, sorrow and misery.
Is this really the end?
Michelangelo's P.O.V
New York. They say it's a city that has no sleep. I once loved this place, the idea of staying up all night and watching the city lights with my brothers always made me happy; but as I stand in front of the foggy window and observe the dazzling lights, I feel nothing but grieve. I used to smile freely everyday, without a care for the world; my brothers called me the baby of the family, they always said I didn't understand reality but the truth was, I understood what was out there perfectly; it was just that I'd always felt secure around my bros to the extent that I never wanted things to get serious between us, and even if it did, I could always solve it by cracking a joke or two; I never thought there would come a day when I would be the first one to give up. To walk away.
"Yo, Mickey."
"Huh-wha?"I snapped my head and saw Carol standing beside me next to the window.
Carol chuckled and said "The kids are giving you a head ache again?" I shook my head in disagreement "Hey bro, I understand. Spending the rest of your life taking care of orphaned children isn't exactly your thing" She said.
"It's not like that Car. I love the kids and I'm happy here, you and those little kids are all I've got"
Carol flipped her blond hair back playfully and said "Aw, you don't have to be so sweet you know? I'll still let you stay here even if you act like the over-grown goofball turtle you really are."
I grinned sheepishly and asked "Are the kids asleep yet?"
"No, you're gonna have to go up there and read their favorite story to them again!" Carol marked.
My grin fell at the mention of the kids "favorite story" . Carol seemed to notice that too because she put a hand on my shoulder and said "I know, I know. I'll buy them another book soon so you won't have to read that to them but honestly big guy…If a kid's story like that can shake you up so hard, what's gonna happen if you really meet your brothers?"
"I won't"
And with that I gave her a small smile and made my way upstairs to the kids' room. Carol can always see through me so quickly, even though she can be a real pain at times; I'm forever thankful to her…if it wasn't for sixteen-year-old Carol Hale who took me in the orphanage last year and took care of me despite of knowing who I really was, I would've been dead by now.
I stood in front of the closed door and took a deep breath. Now is not the time to be thinking about this. I opened the door with a click and entered the room. The eight little kids where all sleeping in their beds soundly. I walked in the room and tucked them in properly. As I was putting Roger who was hanging upside down from his bed, he made a mumbling sound; I froze and watched as his eyes opened and grew wide with joy and before I could react, he opened his mouth and shouted cheerfully "Wakie, wakie guys! Uncle Mickey came to read to us!"
I muttered "You rascal" under my breath and kneeled down to greet the seven little screaming kids that charged at me joyfully.
"Mickey, Mickey weed us the butterfy book pweeees!" Three years-old Selena said while grabbing my hand tightly.
I sighed and patted her on the head "Okay, okay I'll read it if all of you guys are in bed in three seconds"
"Yepeeeee!"
After successfully placing the children back into their beds, I grabbed their favorite book from the bookshelf, opened it and started reading but as I went on, I started having that feeling again, the feeling of someone scratching and cutting my heart out; the same feeling I had when I left my brothers.
"Mickey? Why did you stop?" Little Ronny asked from his bed next to the window.
I blinked my eyes and realized that I'd stopped reading a while ago "Sorry squirt, I spaced out a bit. Where was I again?"
"You were weeding the part where the butterfies were talking to the flower!"
I found the sentence and started reading again and as I read, memories from the past filled my mind…
"…and so, the red butterfly refused the flower's offer to take shelter in her flower-cup, for she wouldn't allow his three little brothers to escape the harsh rain with him. What could they do? Their house was locked and no one was home. How could they survive the night?
The Rain poured down my skin like acid, It was weird since I normally loved the rain but tonight was different, tonight , everything around me stinged my soul to the core. And it wasn't because my arm had a big gash on it, no, the wound I was suffering from was much deeper than this…much deeper. As I ran from one rooftop to another tears slid down my face and mixed with the rain droplets. I asked myself, why am I doing this?
"The brother butterflies tried dozens of flowers but all of them refused to give them shelter, for they only had room for one."
"Mickey stop!" It was Don who caught up to me first. He was breathing heavily and his broken hand was loosely on his side.
"What the hell are you doing? Why did you leave?"
"Why wouldn't I leave Don?"
"Hey-over here! Mickey!" Raph ran up to me with Leo walking slowly behind him. He looked like he was shell-shocked. Maybe he was. After all, master Splinter had just died right in his arms.
"You ass-hole! What da hell were ya thinkin, taking off by yourself?"
I fell silent and gasped for air. I was glad it was raining because my brothers wouldn't be able to see my tears.
"The rain poured and poured and the butterflies were devastated, but they still held on to each other bravely and didn't let go…
"I'm done with this….I-I can't take this anymore!"
"Mickey-"
"Shut up Don!"
"Everyday I walk into the lair and watch you argue, everyday I listen to master Splinter's disappointed lectures, every night I peek in to Don's lab and see the three of you bandaging yourself up after a fight…AND I SAY THAT'S IT!"
"Shut up you little ungrateful squirt, don'tcha dare push all tha blame to us, you're da one who acts like an immature baby twenty-four-seven. And what? You're done with this?" Raph spat. "WELL I'M DONE WITH YOU!"
"As the droplets of water pierced through their wings, they clasped to each other and prayed for the sun to come out…
"STOP IT!" Leo suddenly said from behind.
"No one's leaving! This might be exactly what master splinter warned us about-"
"You have no right to talk Leo! This is all your faul-!"
"Shut it Raph! Don't think jus cuz I'm younger than you I tolerate your behavior like Leo does. Yeah! Leo's a jerk but you're even worse than him!"
"who allowed you to talk braniac! Last time I checked, it was you who fired things up infront of splinter and that'swhy-"
"THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I'M LEAVING!" I yelled with all my might. Everybody fell silent…
"Miraculously, the sun, who was behind a cloud, heard it all, and he knew what good little brothers the butterflies were, and how they had held together in spite of the wet. So he pushed his face through the clouds, and chased away the rain, and shone brightly on the garden…
"I'm going..I-I won't come back until I've forgiven you. I- d-on't want to hurt anymore…" I sobbed.
"Farwell"
I turned around and started to walk slowly, very slowly because I was waiting for my big brothers to run after me, to snake their protective arms around me and to assure me that everything's going to be ok.
"The sun dried the wings of the three little butterflies, and warmed their bodies. They ceased to sorrow, and danced among the flowers till evening, and then they flew away home, and found the door wide open…
I walked until I reached the far end of the roof top. I turned around and expected to see my brothers right behind me, but all I was faced with was a bare rooftop with rain pouring down on it hectically. I stood there for hours thinking, thinking and believing that this was all a joke; thinking that my brothers wouldn't give up on me, that they would come back. But after three hours of standing still on that wet rooftop, I finally accepted the truth. I was alone.
...
"Mickey!" my head snapped from the loud scream.
"Help! There's someone in the house!" Carole cried from down the stairs.
I slammed the book closed and ran to the door without a word; I looked back only to catch a glimpse of the children's terrified face. I never got the chance to turn around and look the enemy in the eye either. All I remember was something hitting the back of my head very hard. After that, everything went dark…
In that moment, it was like I was standing on that rooftop again; looking at the empty spot, the spot where my brothers once stood.
I felt lonely ... Every time I read that book about the brother butterflies, I asked myself thousands of times; what would've happened if we'd clasped on to one another like the butterflies instead of letting go? Would we be happy? Would the door to home be wide open for us too?
But even thought I asked myself this, I knew the answer quite well…
It is too late.
Asleep I will dream
But not for long
For when I awake
The world seems wrong
My heart bleeds out
It has a hole
It's shape, their smile
It's depth, my soul
~Bleeding Hearts.
So? How was it?Should I continue? =))
Poem's not mine. It belongs to Matthew Densley.
R&R