Once upon a time in a far off land, three civilised young ladies were scouring the local charity shops for bargains. Ok, not so civilised, but they were young. And female.

"Oh fuck off!" Screamed the eldest of the trio, grabbing the black jimmy choo bag out of her friends' hand. "I saw it first you knobhead."

Lucy raised her arm and smacked the brunette around the head with the offending article.

Suddenly, as if by magic, the shopkeeper appeared and fixed them with a furious glare. "Take your top off."

"Fuck off perve." Becki screamed. "I WILL CUT YOU."

LoBo, who was standing quietly in the corner, began to sing. "I dreamed a dream in time gone byyyyyyy!" She sighed contentedly. "That picture's pretty."

"Are you fucking high right now?!" Lucy screeched, smacking her in the head with a china owl. "Have a bird!"

"I'm not the one who's 85% gay!"

"Jeren."

"Lemilie."

"BANA!" Becki screamed, appearing as though from nowhere.

"WHERE IS YOUR TOP?!" Her friends screamed together.

"The panda ate it."

Box.

"Oh look, a box."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?"

The box started to glow and spin and shit.

"Wow. Sparkly." Three bored voices said together.

The lid fell open with a clang and, much to their immense surprise, a pigeon flapped up and into their faces.

Lauren gasped in awe, Lucy let out a frightened squeak and Becki stumbled backwards, tripped over a boot and landed in an umbrella stand.

"Where did that pigeon come from?" The brunette asked as she hauled her ass out of its current resting place.

"No fucking clue." Lauren told her with a shrug, leaning down to look inside the now empty box.

There was a whooshing sound. A scream. A thump. And then Lauren was gone.

"What the fuck?!" "I don't know." Lucy mumbled, frowning and moving forward to investigate.

Suddenly she too had vanished.

"Oh holy crap." Becki muttered under her breath, staring suspiciously at the box. Then she took a step towards it.

"I ain't hanging around here with creepy pants 1872."

With a deep breath, she leant towards the box. Seconds later, the shop was empty apart from the owner. He giggled. "See you later, dearies."

x-x

"Shit."

Lauren opened her eyes and took in her surroundings with confusion.

She seemed to be in a wooden cave of some sort. There was wood on the floor, wood on the ceiling and wood on the walls. There was even wood on the man staring at her.

"Woah!" She gasped, sitting up on the small bed she had found herself on, her legs dangling over the end. "Please put down that engorged staff."

"This is my beating stick." The man said with a scowl. "I use it to beat stowaways."

"I'm not a stowaway!" Lauren argued. "I fell through a box and landed here. Where even is here?"

"A likely story, lass. That's what they all say."

"All? How many others have you beaten?"

"At last count? 375. But that was on a good day."

Lauren blinked. "Hooooooly fuck. I thought I was special."

Then she stopped and squinted at him closely. "Hang on. Aren't you Hook?"

"I usually go by Killian Jones, love." He said with a flourishing bow. "And who might you be."

"Lauren. But you can call me rampant sex goddess. Or LoBo. Whichever."

He grinned, raising one eyebrow and leaning forward slightly. "Alright, whichever, let's see what you're made of."

He pulled out his throbbing member. And his mobile. "I'll call Emma. She'll want to... interrogate... you thoroughly."

x-x

In the middle of the town, Lucy found herself sprawled over a hard bench.

With a groan, she pulled herself to her feet and set out in search of someone to explain things to her. She spotted a familiar building and made her way inside, looking for the woman she was sure would be there.

"Hello? Can I help you?" A soft accented voice asked.

Lucy smirked."Yes, I am the underwear police and these," she grasped the hem of the woman's dress and yanked it up, "ah yes, as I suspected. Illegal. I'll have to confiscate those."

The woman blinked at her in confusion.

"Come along, chop chop. Or shall I remove them for you? OK, fine. My hands don't seem to be working, though, so I'll have to use my teeth."

The woman squealed and jumped backwards, brushing Lucy away and blushing deep crimson. "We're in the library! Anyone could walk in!"

"Good point..."

"Let me lock the door." She smirked. "Don't forget the folds..."

x-x

Becki opened her eyes to the sound of running water.

She squinted, looking around the unfamiliar room. She seemed to be lying on a large, soft bed.

A door to the right opened and a woman wrapped in a towel exited, brushing her wet hair out of her eyes.

They both froze as they spotted the other. "Oh shit." Becki muttered, scrambling off the bed.

The woman stopped in the doorway, watching her carefully. "What are you doing here?"

"Fuck knows."

"Really? So you didn't break into my house to spy on me in the shower?"

"What? No. I mean, not intentionally. I mean no. I mean yes. What?"

She dropped her towel and Becki's eyes almost popped out of her head.

As the woman crossed the room slowly, she backed up until she was pressed against the wall. "So? Fancy a go?"

"Fuck it." Becki shrugged. "Why not?"

A/N- Re-uploaded due to a formatting issue.