The Link Life.
Day 1
"In the name of Link, everybody stop!"
(Lon Lon Ranch) Hyrule Local Time: 7:46 A.M.
(Horse Stalls)
Time: Ten years after Twilight Princess. Hyrule has recovered significantly from the damage caused in Twilight Princess. Zelda's Castle and Castle Town have been completely rebuilt. Hyrule is finally at peace.
Setting: After a long run through the vast fields of Hyrule, Link decides to relieve himself over a nice long talk with Epona. He was losing his mind recently and I suppose for a brief moment, he forgot that horses couldn't talk, much less himself for that matter.
:Link has a seat on a stump near the horse stalls:
:Epona stands next to him:
Link: Do you ever just want to get away?
:Epona neighs:
Link: Me too. I'm sick of this tranquility. I need to move to the city where there's noise. I need to see an automobile for once.
:Malon walks in:
Malon: Hey Link! Want to come horse riding with me?
Link: (down) No. I'm fine.
Malon: What's wrong?
Link: Malon, be honest with me. Aren't you sick of this ranch?
Malon: (chuckling) Well, I've been here my whole life. Dad and I are finally getting along and Mr. Ingo is the nicest he's ever been. Link, you know I'll always be a farm girl.
Link: There's something about that Mr. Ingo. I'm going to find out.
:Mr. Ingo walks in:
Mr. Ingo: You two aren't horsin' around in here are ya?! Hahaha!
Link: Shut the fuck up.
Mr. Ingo: Time for good ol' Epona here to spread them wings.
:Mr. Ingo straps up Epona and directs her out of the stalls:
:Link cuffs his sword and walks out:
(Zelda's Castle) Hyrule Local Time: 8:55 A.M.
:A knock is heard at the door:
:Zelda answers:
:Link stands outside with a perked up face with a bundle of roses:
Link: Hi my love.
Zelda: OOooooOOh Link!
:Link kisses Zelda and invites himself in:
:Zelda takes his roses:
Zelda: How's your day going?
Link: Much better now that I'm here with you.
Zelda: How wonderful.
:Once Link had his back turned, Zelda opens up her window quickly and tosses the flowers out:
Zelda: I'm so glad to see you.
Link: Listen, Zelda, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. Now that Hyrule is at peace, Ganondorf is gone, and I'm not becoming a kid at random times, I think we should finally… well, do it.
Zelda: Have sex?
Link: Wow. I've never heard you say that.
Zelda: I've been thinking a lot. You've saved my life countless time's and there's nothing I could think of that would make a man happier.
Link: That sounds great! I mean, I did just hit puberty a week ago.
Zelda: Sex was at the bottom of my list. I thought you were going to ask me something completely ridiculous, like marriage.
Link: You know that can't happen. I'm with Navi. We have sweet fairy sex all the time.
Zelda: I thought you were a virgin?
Link: Our sex doesn't involve intercourse. You see Zelda, when a man and a fairy get together...
Zelda: (interrupting) Ok. Ok. I can use my imagination.
Link: (winking) That's my girl. So are we going to fuck or what?
Zelda: (smiling) Link, of course not!
Link: And why the hell not?!
Zelda: I can't get the thought of you being that itsy bitsy boy out of my head. You looked so cute when you were coming to save me. I thought of you as my son, not as my sex partner. Geez, you really blew it then.
Link: I can't believe this…
(Castle Town) Hyrule Local Time: 10:03 A.M.
(Dark Alleyway)
::A castle town native man leaves from the backdoor of his house and locks up::
::He had a bookbag full of items strapped to his back::
::He steps on the hard brick road of the alleyway and starts walking with great assurance::
::Out of nowhere, a Lizalfo, the lizard enemy from most of the temples in Twilight Princess, leaps from the building tops and grabs the innocent mans backpack::
Man: Hey there!
::The Lizalfo walks ahead of the man::
::Link runs up from behind and tackles the tricky lizard::
::He was dressed in an armored suit::
::He held the sharp end of his Master Sword to the back of the lizard's head and restrained it::
Link: Castle Town Security. Don't you move or I will chop your fucking head off.
Man: Hey prick. He was helping me carry my things.
Link: Huh?
::The man snatches his bookbag from the ground::
Man: Boy you really suck at this job. You should go back to sailing the sea or something. It's for your own good, Link.
Link: I swear this blasted Lizard is evil! Man I hope I don't get fired, this is already my third strike.
(Castle Town Security Manager's Office) Hyrule Local Time: 10:20 A.M.
Commandering Guard: Your fuckin' fired Link.
Link: Your firing me over a stupid Lizard!
Commandering Guard: They've been helping us out for the past eight years.
::Link looks to his left::
::He sees two Lizalfos helping put a picture on the wall::
Link: It's an act!
Commandering Guard: Last week you set fire to a building because you didn't like the outfit the beautiful Mrs. Louanne was wearing.
Link: Does this have anything to do with me attending Fashion School?
Commandering Guard: And just yesterday you disobeyed the dress code and came to work in your Green Tunic.
Link: I'm still a Hero ya know.
Commandering Guard: You just don't seem to be understanding what's going on in the world. Your one place one day and another the next. Sorry Link, hand in your armor and get out.
Link: I will leave as requested, but I just want you to know, Castle Town will never be safe again!
Commandering Guard: You were here for two weeks Link. Spare me the torture and get the fuck out of my building!
(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 1:15 P.M.
(Link's Hut)
Link: (startled) What the hell is that?!
:Link's cow moo's:
:Navi flies in through the window:
Navi: It's your cow.
Link: (taking off his cap) I'm losing my mind Navi.
:Link plops down on his bed:
Navi: Rough day?
Link: Got fired from the town. It was a joke anyways.
Navi: Saving the day isn't cutting it for you, huh?
Link: What day do I save?! Everyone is happy. There's no violence anymore. I tackled this kid at the market yesterday because I was bored. Something's got to give.
Navi: Go beyond your limits. Go beyond your comfort level.
Link: You're right. I should.
Navi: That's the spirit!
Link: I should expand my horizons.
Navi: There you go!
Link: I should walk outside and start stabbing everybody! YEAH! Thank's Navi.
Navi: Anytime Link!
:Link runs out with his sword armed:
Link: KAAABLAAAHHH BITCHES!!
Navi: Wait… uhhh… Link!
:Navi flies out:
(Lon Lon Ranch) Hyrule Local Time: 3:37 P.M.
(Malon's House)
:Link barges into Malon's House:
:He rudely interrupts Malon and Talon's milk time:
Link: Malon, where's Epona?
Talon: The stalls with Mr. Ingo.
Malon: Can't you see we're having milk time?
(Lon Lon Ranch)
:Link stands to the side of the stall doors and takes out his Ocarina:
Link: Let's see how nice Mr. Ingo really is.
:Link plays "Epona's Song":
:Epona runs out of the stalls:
:Mr. Ingo runs out behind with his pants to his ankles:
Link: (pointing) I knew it!
Mr. Ingo: Oh dear.
Link: You've been violating poor Epona! I should banish you now you sick fuck!
Mr. Ingo: I always offer free cookies to little boys. Teeheehehe.
Link:…..
Epona:…..
Mr. Ingo:…..
:Malon skips out of her house with a pale of milk:
Link: Malon. Mr. Ingo here has been going beyond the regular "horse caring" standards.
Malon: He's such a great guy. Isn't he?
Link: (looking back at Mr. Ingo) Your in trial now sucker.
:Mr. Ingo gulps:
Malon: And every Saturday morning, when Dad delivers our fresh Milk to the castle, he babysits me all day!
Link: I'll be watching you Ingo.
Mr. Ingo: (nervously) Good to know.
(Lake Hylia) Hyrule Local Time: 4:30 P.M.
Link: The fish should really be biting now.
(Fishing Pond)
:Link reels his rod in, thinking he caught a big one:
Link: (examining his hook) Nothing….
Fish Pond Worker: You don't have good bait.
Link: What do you recommend?
Fish Pond Worker: The Super Juicy Lightning Vicious Horned Worm.
Link: Oh really?
Fish Pond Worker: (shrugs) It's new.
Link: I'll buy it.
:Link takes out his wallet of rubies:
Fish Pond Worker: Your rich!
Link: I'd like to think so.
Fish Pond Worker: I haven't seen that much money since I left the fishing pond.
Link: Which was?
Fish Pond Worker: Since the skies turned gray…
Link:….
Fish Pond Worker: (zoning out) Since she left…
Link:….
Fish Pond Worker: I haven't left since…. I never leave….
Link: Right. Can I have my bait now?
Fish Pond Worker: (snapping out of his trance) Right then! There you go.
(?) Hyrule Local Time: 8:09 P.M.
Ganondorf: Fear not men. Our day has come.
Man #1: We're going to take over Hyrule!
Ganondorf: Let us not get too ahead of ourselves. We still have a pesky little boy in our way.
Man #2: He's not that little anymore.
Ganondorf: Well I'll be a Giraffe's asshole.
:Man #1 hands Ganondorf an issue of a magazine called "Hylians Gone Wild! September Issue":
:Link was on the front of the cover, strutting his stuff:
Ganondorf: I can't believe this made the charts! He's definitely being abominated now! Men, gather our weapons. Soon we will move. It's time for Hyrule to see the true side of evil once more.