Note: Title inspired by the song To Build a Home by The Cinematic Orchestra
"And I built a home, for you, for me.
Until you disappeared, from me, from you.
And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust..."
xxx
Until You Disappear From Me (From You)
She cries more that night than she ever has in her life. The hollowing pain she feels is worse than when her father went out on patrol and was shot in the shoulder. Worse than the time in high school when she found her best friend and Bobby Richtor, her then boyfriend, in bed together; her bed to be exact. Worse than when she opened up to her big sister Laurel about how hopelessly in love she was with playboy Oliver Queen, only to have her scoff at the idea. A week later Laurel announced to her family at Sunday brunch that she had a new boyfriend. His name was Oliver Queen. It's worse than the guilt she felt getting on that damn boat with him and all the things that came after. Worse than when Nyssa was sent to either bring her back to the League or end her life.
Sara Lance is no stranger to pain. But this, she thinks, is the worst kind of all. This is watching the life drain out of someone who is still living but no longer alive. Someone she loves. Someone she knows loves her, too. Someone she knows loves another woman more. It hurts because she should have done something. Should have but didn't and now here they are. Shattered into a million pieces like glass. Fractured and broken beyond the point of repair. If you were to fit all the pieces back together, she thinks there would still be parts of them missing. Edges that didn't quite match up and cracks that couldn't be filled completely. She should have stopped this.
The halls are quiet, cold. The fluorescent lights reflect off of the linoleum floors and the white, white walls. It smells like disinfectant and rust. She wonders why a place meant to heal and mend seems so cold and lifeless. The only sounds she hears are the barely controlled sobs and beeping of monitors coming from the room she is currently standing outside of and the occasional rolling of wheels or squeaking of foot steps when an attending walks by. She's cried so much already she thinks she's run out of tears. Until a particularly strangled sob rings out.
"Please." Followed by a softer "Not her."
Sara's back hits the wall and she slides down it as silent tears run down her face. She doesn't have the energy for full-bodied sobs and the pain medication they gave her is making her feel numb. It's probably better this way or she would be hysterical. The island didn't prepare her for this kind of emptiness.
Again she can here him plead from inside "Not her."
If she weren't in a haze of painkillers, it would feel like the blade of the knife tearing through her flesh all over again. She knows now exactly what his choice would have been, who he would have saved given the chance. She can't blame him. She would have made the same decision. But it never got to that point. They never had a chance in hell.
xxx
"You don't want her. You want me!"
The voice belongs to someone who is not supposed to be here. She's supposed to be tucked away in a safe house on the coast with Thea. Not here, on this rooftop, wind whipping through her hair and stinging her eyes.
"And why would you think that?"
Slade Wilson is clearly going along with this for his own amusement. He has them all right where he wants them. This is his game and they are all just pawns in it.
"Because you want to hit Oliver where it will hurt the most." She's being brave, foolish.
"My dear Ms. Smoak, what would possibly hurt him more than taking away the love of his life?"
"Taking away his child." What is she doing? The lie that spilled from Felicity's lips is so unconvincing that if circumstances weren't what they are, Sara would roll her eyes in amusement. She knows for a fact that what Felicity is implying isn't true. That her and Oliver have never… She's asked him about it before.
"Felicity, get out of here!" Sara tries to sound authoritative and stern, but it's difficult when you're tied up and beaten, one eye swollen shut.
"His child. Well. That is something I can't very well pass up."
"So let her go and take me instead." There is no way Slade will let that happen.
"Actually, I think I'll just take you both."
Before Felicity has time to react, a rough hand grabs her by the ponytail and throws her to the cold ground, climbing on top of her and zip tying her wrists together in front of her. It's so tight it breaks the skin and Sara can see deep red lines appear. Sebastian Blood is towering over Felicity, demented skull mask in place. They discovered his identity hours prior. This is whom Sara was supposed to be going after while Oliver sought out Slade. It was a trap and they took the bait hook, line, and sinker.
Felicity is dragged over and thrown next to Sara. But she holds her head high, glaring at Slade as he makes his way over, crouching down to her level. He grabs her chin tightly, it's going to bruise, and inspects her face. He seems amused by her. Sara's hatred grows stronger and she resists the urge to do something really stupid.
"Oh, sweetheart, you should know better than to lie to me. You are a pretty young thing. I see why he keeps you around. Loyal, intelligent, brave… But so foolish and naïve. His executive assistant and resident tech support." Felicity cringes and Sara growls, shifting in place. "Does he know how much you care about him? How much you love him?" The blonde glances at Sara. This isn't news to her. She's known for a while now that there were some unresolved feelings between her boyfriend and his partner. "It's tiring, isn't it? Loving someone who doesn't love you back. Sacrificing everything for their happiness while you watch on the sidelines. Lucky for you that won't be something you will have to live with for much longer."
xxx
"FELICITY!" The agonized shout startles her back to the present. Frantic beeping sounds come from within the room. A team of attendings rushes in with a crash chart.
"She's flatlining."
She's flatlining. Felicity's heart has stopped. She is, in technical terms, dead. Sara finds it in her to let out a strangled sob. It wracks through her chest, clearing it to a point of emptiness she didn't think possible. It reverberates through her body, leaves her vibrating from the inside out. If this is the end of Felicity, this is also the end of Oliver.
"Sir, you need to step back."
"Damn it, Felicity, stay with me!"
"Mr. Queen!" She leans around the corner at the sound of a scuffle. Diggle has pulled Oliver back against the wall while the defibrillator is set and charged.
"Clear." The charge shoots through Felicity's unconscious form. Her upper body jolts. Her lower half doesn't move. The beeping on the heart monitor starts back up and evens out. It's not the end yet.
One glance at Oliver's face and a clear view of Felicity lying in that clinically white bed has Sara turning away. Can she ask for more painkillers? Do those work on this kind of hurt? The kind that isn't physical, the kind that flows through her entire being. The attendings leave the room. Now would be the time to ask.
"Stay with me, Felicity. You can't leave me. You can't – " die. The word doesn't escape his throat. "Please."
So much pleading, she thinks. And to who? She and Oliver gave up on the existence of any kind of god a long time ago. So, to the prone girl in the bed, then? That seems futile given her current state of consciousness.
"I need you."
Sara shuts her eyes tightly. She can hear the unspoken words. What he really means but can't bring himself to say. Admitting it now, finally, when it's very possible that Felicity will not pull through this, would be the nail in his coffin. In his darkest hour, Oliver cannot lose his light. Sara doesn't think she can bear it either.
xxx
"SLADE!"
Oliver's voice roars as he storms the rooftop, bow drawn and face absent of his mask. Her heart skips a beat, and then picks up a rhythm that is double time. This is it and if she makes it out alive she knows she will still be damaged somehow. She glances at Felicity with her good eye and sees a tear slip down her face. They have both come to the same realization.
"Ah, Oliver, right on time. I must say this game has become a bit more interesting with its new player." Slade steps aside to reveal Felicity, who was until then hidden from view.
"Felicity."
His voice catches slightly, despite his attempt to hide it. Her breath catches, too. She should have known Oliver was hiding this. Hiding how deeply he really cared for the girl currently kneeling next to her. It's possible he had even been hiding it from himself.
"Don't you dare touch them!" Oliver's voice returns to its cold, angry snarl. He doesn't need the voice modulator tonight.
"Making demands, kid? I don't really think you are in the position to do that."
He signals Blood who then grabs Sara, holding a knife to her throat. She refuses to make a sound, will not give him the satisfaction of hearing her cry out or cause Oliver anymore turmoil.
"Sara! Don't hurt her!" Oliver isn't the one who speaks. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Felicity shift towards her. Slade yanks her up, pulling her to face him.
"Hush now, sweetheart. You wouldn't want to be silenced. Then Oliver would be denied the fun of hearing you beg."
"I won't be begging anyway." The following CRACK of a hand striking skin silences everyone. Slade smirks and Oliver takes a step forward. Felicity is turned around and pulled against Slade's armored body. The man pulls out a gun but doesn't take aim.
"Now, kid, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I haven't even explained the rules to you yet."
"I'm not playing this game, Slade."
"You will if you want either one of them to survive. You see I'm giving you a choice. One goes free. The other will see a less fortunate fate I'm afraid." For someone who didn't add Felicity to the original equation, Slade has adapted his revenge perfectly. Repeating this course of action that they were in years ago and survived, Sara knows it will rip Oliver apart regardless of the outcome. "I'll give you a minute to decide."
Only Oliver never gets the chance to make that choice. He doesn't even get the chance to attempt negotiation.
A gunshot goes off and the blade at Sara's throat slices her skin before the arms restraining her go limp. Blood drops to the ground behind her. She turns her head and catches a glimpse of a black leather jacket before he quickly ducks out of sight. Blood will not be coming back from that bullet. The ex-military man's shot was right on target. The bullet laced for good measure, something he picked up from The Squad.
"You really shouldn't have done that." Sara knows there will be no choice now. She and Felicity are both as good as dead. A glance to her right shows that Felicity has been thrown back to the ground. More prominently, the gun is now pointed at Sara. "I think I'll silence your little bird's song first."
"NO!" Felicity, having broken her restraints thanks to the training Diggle gave her, jumps in front of Sara as the shot rings out. She falls to the ground with an agonized scream and blood quickly pools beneath her as she looses consciousness.
Everything is a blur from there. There's fighting and shouts of pain, torment. Sounds of bones breaking and shots fired fill the air. All Sara can do is watch. Watch as an integral part of her world falls apart. Felicity lays unmoving and she scoots close enough to see if the blonde is still breathing. She is, barely.
xxx
Sara doesn't know how long it's been. Minutes, hours, days. It feels like years to her. She must have fallen asleep out in the hall because she's been moved onto a couch in the hospital room – Felicity's room. Glancing towards the bed she sees Oliver, as close to the unconscious woman as possible without physically crawling into the bed with her. His face is buried into her side and his right hand holds her left while his other stays cradled in its sling. If she didn't know any better, Sara would think he had fallen asleep. But she can see the trembling in his entire body that he desperately tries to control.
Control. It's always about control with him. But he had no power over the events that brought them here. That, she is sure, is also killing him. He couldn't control Slade and he couldn't control Felicity. He never really could control Felicity to begin with. Watching him now, Sara knows that he will take it upon himself to care for her, for however long she will need him. It could be days, it could be years, or it could be minutes. Regardless, that's the one thing he can control.
Sara shifts on the couch to let Oliver know she's awake. He has probably already sensed it. There's no one else in the room besides the two of them and the blonde fighting for her life in that damn hospital bed. Now is as good a time as ever, she figures, to have this conversation.
"How did I get in here?" She doubts he carried her in. He's probably never left Felicity's bedside.
"John found you passed out in the hall. Figured the couch was more comfortable than the floor." His body shifts so that he's sitting up, but his shoulders are hunched and his eyes don't leave Felicity.
"Where is he now?" She's stalling.
"Making phone calls, getting food." His response is short and to the point.
Now comes the hard part. She's not sure where to start or what to say. But she deserves this final conversation, this closure.
"You love her." There's no question in her voice and he doesn't respond. "But you love me, too."
"You know I do."
"But it's not the same, Ollie. You're in love with her." When there's no reply from him she continues. "That's why you stayed away. That's why you sent her to the safe house with Thea." Tried to send her to the safe house with Thea. But he doesn't need to hear that right now. "You couldn't have her that close to Slade. It was okay with me though."
"Sara-"
"No. I get it. I wouldn't have stayed away even if you tried. I can handle myself in a fight. I'm trained. She isn't. I wouldn't have let her close either." Sara has developed a sort of fondness for the babbling IT genius. She is endearing and doesn't judge Sara on her past and they had become close friends. Felicity even let Sara stay at her one bedroom, hole in the wall apartment until she had her feet under her again. "She isn't like us, Ollie. She's good, light, whole." Or at least she was.
"You don't think I know that? You don't think I look at her and wish that somehow she would leave all of this behind? That she would realize how dangerous this is and decide she's had enough? I couldn't make that choice for her. It's her life and her choice. I couldn't push her away because I need her. I'm a selfish, damaged man who couldn't protect the one good thing in his life. And now look where we are." That should hurt, but Sara's already come to the realization that Oliver Queen is in love with Felicity Smoak. She doesn't blame him.
"Where are we, Oliver?" She obviously does not mean physically. Oliver hesitates before answering.
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do. You know where we are. You know what happens if she wakes up." And what happens if she doesn't.
There isn't any malice in Sara's voice. She doesn't do the whole woman scorned thing very well and she doesn't exactly feel scorned anyway. Truth be told, they've been heading towards this for weeks, months even.
"If she wakes up, you'll do everything and anything to take care of her, protect her. You've already admitted you can't push her away. I don't think she would even let you if you tried. You won't be my Ollie if she pulls through, you'll be her Oliver."
"… And if she doesn't?"
"I can't live my life with someone who's dead inside and in love with a ghost."
It's blunt, but true. Sara never was one to sugar coat things. That doesn't prevent a tear from slipping down her cheek, just when she thought she was done crying.
"I'm sorry, Sara."
God is he sorry. Sorry for ruining her relationship with Laurel. Sorry for taking her on the Gambit. Sorry for the island. Sorry for not giving her what she needs, what she deserves, after a life of hell.
"Hey, I'm not mad. This has been coming for a while now. She was – is good for you. We both need someone to balance out the darkness in us. Someone who makes the pain go away, instead of wallowing in it with us. You and I, we need emotional strength and Felicity, she's made out of that. She's one of the strongest people I've ever met." Sara glances at the girl in the bed and hopes that won't be lost if – when she wakes up. "I don't blame you for falling in love with her."
The words are almost wistful and for the first time since the conversation started, Oliver turns to look at her. Really look at her instead of the little glances he's been doing, afraid that if he looks away from Felicity for too long she will disappear. There's recognition in his eyes then, and a little questioning.
"You're not the only one that loves her." Sara may not be in love with the tech genius but she has her own place in her heart.
The doctor enters then and the whole conversation is left behind. Oliver's head snaps in the man's direction, pleading with his eyes. The doctor looks up from his charts and Sara's stomach drops. That isn't the face of a man delivering news of recovery. This is the face of a man who would very much benefit from the saying 'don't shoot the messenger.'
"Mr. Queen, we've been running some tests and looking at Ms. Smoak's scans as well as assessing the damage she received to her spine that couldn't be repaired in the immediate surgery." There's a pause before he continues. "We were able to retrieve the bullet and set her spinal column back in place. However, I'm afraid there is damage to the spinal chord tissue and inflammation surrounding the area. Right now the inflammation is restricted to the sacral region but we will need to keep her under observation should the inflammation grow."
Spinal chord damage. They both know what this could mean. More tears flow down Sara's face and all the color, whatever was still there before, has drained from Oliver's face. He sits stone still, face blank. The hand he has holding Felicity's tightens in a death grip. Sara will have to be the one to ask.
"What exactly does that mean?"
"We can't say for sure. However, it means that should Ms. Smoak wake up, and we believe she will, she may experience waist down paralysis." No one moves. No one makes a sound. "I'm sorry. If you have any questions, feel free to call in myself or an attending." The doctor makes his exit quickly and they sit there in silence.
"Paralysis."
Oliver's voice is barely audible but the word resonates in the air. It reverberates off the walls and slinks into all those cracks and edges that don't quite match up in the pieces that make up who they are. Suddenly he's standing and with his good hand grabs the nearest object he finds, a vase on her bedside table that someone put flowers in, and hurls it across the room at the wall where it shatters into a million pieces. A metaphor, Sara thinks, for what has just happened to their fragilely constructed lives.
One look at Oliver and Sara bolts. She can't see the pain on his face, in his eyes as tears stream down his jaw. Can't watch as he runs his hand through his hair, yanking on its ends, the slight sting keeping him somewhat grounded. Can't listen as he goes back and forth between an amplification of that terrible begging she heard out in the hallway and unsteady promises to the still unconscious Felicity that he'll do something, anything to make this right. So she runs.
She doesn't go far, only steps outside the room and collapses back against that wall that was her support however long ago it was that she passed out in the hallway. Felicity may never walk again and it's all her fault. She's the one Felicity took the bullet for, the one who was saved, when this time it was supposed to be the other way around. That guilt will hang with her until the end of time. The grief starts to consume her because not only has she lost Felicity, her best friend, but she's lost Oliver, too. It becomes too much and she lets out a strangled cry, grabbing the attention of a nearby attending who offers her help. But she's reaching hysterical levels and can't respond, can't breathe.
She cries for Felicity. Smart, bubbly, remarkable Felicity who deserves this least out of all of them. She cries for Oliver who has experienced so much pain and strife already that she isn't sure how he will go on. And she cries for herself. For the emptiness she feels and the loss of yet two more people who made her life a little less impossible to bare.
There's a prick in her shoulder and she starts to feel numb. Spots dance in her vision and the world fades out. Her tears, however, keep on going.
xxx
Author's Note: Alright how did I do? This is my first ever fic that I've written so leave me your thoughts please! I want to know what worked for people and what didn't. Also, thank you so much for reading. It means a lot to me.
I may or may not write a follow up to this. It depends on how I feel about it once I have it all written out.
If you want to, I'm also on Tumblr and AO3 under the same username: theirhappystory. (Oh, shameless self promoting!) So you can check me out there if you are so inclined.
Okay! Again, thanks so much for reading!
- B