I do not own House, M.D. The piece was inspired by 'If I Were Gay' by Stephen Lynch, so, yes, slashiness implied. Also posted in my Livejournal--as are most things that aren't on fanfiction--so if it looks familiar, that's why.
"You know, House, if I were gay--"
"No, I don't want to hear it."
"You don't even know what I was going to say."
"And I don't want to. The last thing I need is another co-worker hitting on me."
"I was no--"
"You're the one starting a conversation with 'if I were gay'."
"I'm your friend. The least you could do is support me when--"
"So you are gay. There's no hypothetical 'if' here, is there?"
"I never said that."
"But you meant it."
"I did not."
"Of course you did. Are we forgetting who the brilliant doctor here is?"
"You've got to give me some credit."
"You're an oncologist."
"You owe me money, by the way."
"Dammit. How many?"
"Just two."
"Only two this time? You're slacking."
"Or maybe there aren't as many people dying."
"If there weren't as many people dying, my job would be boring."
"I forgot. You're a masochist."
"I forgot. You like that."
"Listen, House, I'm not gay, I'm just--"
"You aren't experimenting. Your wives were the experiment."
"I'm not. Gay, that is. Or experimenting. The point is--"
"Denial comes before acceptance."
"It was just a hypothetical situation."
"Fine. Then, hypothetically, if I had allowed you to finish the question, what would you have asked?"
"If I were gay...what would you do?"
"...Hard question."
"Well?"
"Hold on a minute. A girl can't be pressured into these kinds of things."
"House..."
"Fine. I would...do...you."
"Look I know it's just hypothet--what?"
"You. I would do you."
"What? Why?"
"Well, I can't have you pining away after me. It leads to stressful situations in the workplace. You know, sexual harassment and all that."
"I would never--!"
"And, besides, if you were gay, that would make me gay, too."