The room was dim and quiet. The fact of which surprised him. Although, he never really thought of his expectations or envisioned the scene before him, for some reason it bothered him. He was usually content in the silence. It allowed him those few moments in the day to think, to reflect, to dream. But this felt wrong. The machines let off a low hum, one that should have provided security and comfort, not the overwhelming ache in his chest. How many times had he walked into exactly a moment such as this? How many times had she been on the receiving end of such a visit? Four, maybe five? No matter the amount, no matter the time between them, he never would get used to taking this path.
The chair creaked loudly against the linoleum flooring, the sound causing him to stop for a second. He took a deep breath to calm his ragged nerves before sitting in the plastic chair. His hand shook as he raised it to touch her face, to run his fingers down the slope of her jaw. He realized that he was afraid to touch her. She looked smaller than her usually slight frame. Her skin was tight across her face and sunk in along her neck and cheeks, further proof of the weight loss she had experienced in just a matter of days. There were dark circles under and above her eyes. What lay before him was just a shell of the once energetic and vibrant woman.
The pad of his thumb moved over her bruised, purplish eyelids, gently as if to wash the pain away. Her mahogany hair fell in a halo over her pillow and he couldn't stop himself, even if he wanted too, from threading his fingers through it. The texture felt wrong, coarse and dry. It made his heart hurt worse than before, if worse was even possible. He couldn't help the images that flashed through his mind like a projector screen. Her smile that could lighten a room, her hair that was soft and flowing, clenched in his hands. The pink that bloomed across her cheeks from embarrassment or how it deepened to rose when he touched her. Her skin that always felt smooth and warm and the smell of vanilla and lilacs that always consumed him when she was near. The images were almost too much to bear. It was too much to think of with her lying so cold and lifeless before him.
His breathing became sporadic and labored and he felt the first glistening of tears at the thought of her eyes. He had once heard somewhere that you could see a person's soul through their eyes. He had never believed that before her. In her eyes he would see all the pain and sadness and happiness she had ever experienced. He could see a future filled with love and family and hope. He had never seen it before her and he would never see it again.
He pinched the bridge of his nose and felt the tears cascade down his fingers. Monica's voice rough with emotion, echoed in his head. She's not expected to make it through the night….never open her eyes again. I'm so sorry Jason. The words continued to replay over and over until he thought he would go insane from the sounds. Damn it why her? She was everything we all wished we could be. Smart, funny, sweet, and beautiful. All of it wasted. He could think of several people still walking around that deserved death more than her. Hell, he deserved it more than her and if he could, he would have gladly traded places. He didn't want to ever exist in a world she did not.
"Elizabeth…" her name came out as a sob as the realization wrapped around him. This would be the last time he ever saw her. The last touches, the last whispers of love. He would never again see that spark of determination or stubbornness flash through her eyes. He wanted to scream at the unfairness of it. What about her boys? What would become of Jake and Cameron? They would never know of the wonderful woman their mother was. How much she loved them. What would become of him?
Even when they were separated by his life or their choices she was always a constant in his world. Always lingering in the background, as a friend or lover, it never mattered how far apart they were, he knew that she was always there. It made him get up in the mornings. It made him go through another day of hell, filled with cheats, liars, and murderers, because in his mind he was keeping things safe for her. But what did it matter when something so out of his control claimed her life anyway? Did his promises of keeping her safe find her comfort in her last lucid moments? No, because like so many things in life, he finally realized that even he, Jason Morgan, could not control death. How ironic it took her lying near death for him to see, to realize. All the wasted time and heartbreaking pain was for nothing.
He had promised himself when Emily died that he would no longer waste the opportunities. Unfortunately fear dictated that choice and his best opportunity was lying silently before him. The tears fell harder and faster and with every breath, the pain in his chest intensified. Loud choking sobs broke forth from his lips and he never thought they would stop, that this pain would end. Jason pressed her cold, limp hand to his cheek begging and praying to a God, he still was unsure existed, because no God would allow such a good person to die. It never donned on him that the people and staff walking by the quiet room would be able to hear his tortuous pleas, he wouldn't have cared anyway. When at last the cries of pain eased, never to go completely away he was sure, the words starting flowing.
"I'm sorry honey, oh God I'm so sorry. I should have come sooner, I should have done something. Do you know how much I need you? How much I love you? Shit, I don't know what to do here, Elizabeth. In my heart, all I can think about is the day you agreed to marry me. That was the happiest moment of my life, did you know that? I saw your face and your smile and I thought I was one lucky bastard. I still don't understand why you said yes. Never will understand why you love me so much. And I know you did honey, because you proved it with every word and every promise. I was the one that never kept my promises, wasn't I?"
"I would take it all back, every stupid moment I walked away, and every stupid word I spoke." He laughed at the irony. "Me, the one that never looks back, never holds on to regret, regret is all I have left. I have made so many wrong turns. I…I just messed everything up. Please Elizabeth, please just wake up. Open your eyes, honey, open your eyes and let me make everything right again. I l..love you. Oh God, I need you. Just you."
His head rested on the bed, her hand still pressed between his cheek and hand. The pain was indescribable. It almost numbed him, left him desensitized to every other thought. His life was here, in her arms and the only other thing that came close to mattering was Jake. He would think of that later, he told himself. He would not make the same mistakes that he had made with Elizabeth.
It was time to leave. He couldn't bear to be in this room anymore. To sit and watch the life drain from her. He would not sit and watch her take her last ragged breath. He had no illusions as he bend and brushed his lips over her forehead and breathed in the scent of her one last time, that when he left this room that he too would only be a shell. He was leaving his heart here with her were it belonged, were it had always had a home.
His eyes raked over her face one last time, as his tears fell upon her cheeks and disappeared in her hair. He almost couldn't make his legs move towards the door, couldn't make his eyes leave her face. He was struck with the memory of their most heartbreaking goodbye on the overlook. He remembered his enthusiasm at seeing her, asking her to try with him and then the startling disappointment of hearing of the threats that had fallen on her that day. But what he remembered most was that it was the first time he had ever said he loved her. Although it was the first, he knew then as the words came out that he had loved her forever. He wished once more that she would open her eyes to hear his words.
"I'll love you always."
He finally turned and walked the remaining steps to the door. His hand gripped the handle so hard his knuckles turned white from the tension. Although he didn't want to stay, he couldn't imagine leaving either. His shoulders slumped and he brought his other hand up to wipe away the last remaining tears. He felt hollow and empty and knew that this would be the way he would feel from now on. He turned the handle to open the door, knowing that was ok. He was walking away from the only life he ever knew, the only dream he ever wanted. Elizabeth was his everything.
Something shifted behind him. The sounds of ruffling brought him up short. His body was frozen in shock but somehow he turned on instinct at the sound.
"Jason…"