He was not a man that normally wore his heart on his sleeve. Emotions or showing emotions, he found out long ago, were dangerous in his line of work. A mob enforcer with a bleeding heart kind of defeated the purpose. To anyone that looked Jason Morgan never showed anything. Hence the reasons behind many of the names he had been called over the years; Borg, unfeeling, heartless, and his personal favorite; anger boy. He shook his head at the thought. Sometimes he missed Taggart, he thought. The PCPD just wasn't as much fun anymore but he was getting off track, another thing he rarely did.
The damn woman was messing up, not only his heart, but his head as well. He had been walking around in a constant state of nothingness for the last several months, since their last goodbye. Over the last couple of weeks though that changed. His wants and needs and hopefully his life was going to change. He had it worked it out to the last detail and yet the smallest thought of rejection had him stumbling and gasping for air. With a look or simple touch she could turn him upside down and inside out. He laughed out loud at the thought, what his enemies say. Only once had he felt so nervous, so unsure of himself. It was almost a year ago when he looked Elizabeth in the eyes and asked her to marry him. The difference was that while he was nervous then, he was hopeful at the same time. They were still seeing each other, still trying.
This was different and he was not as hopeful. Too many hurts and goodbyes had taken place. Even he thought the last goodbye was the last. He had been committed to it. As much as it had killed him, as much as he wanted anything but, he knew it was the right thing to do; the only thing he could do and he had followed thru. All this time had gone by and he worked and did what he always did. The responsible and selfless thing for everyone else, what he wanted was never really a factor. Had it not been for Elizabeth almost dying during the virus scare, he wouldn't be standing here now, in front of her door, willing himself to do what he had to do. He knew all too well how short life was, how quickly everything could change. It was one of the very reasons he pushed the people he loved away.
Coming to this decision had been easier than he thought it would be. The follow thru would be hard but in the end, worth it. He knew that he was going to have to lay everything on the line once he walked thru that door, there would only be giving, no taking. He was used to getting what he wanted; it was somewhat of a requirement in his business. In there, with her, he would be everything he always feared being; vulnerable. He only had a one request to ask of her, with long outstanding consequences and he would do it right.
This time it had to be her choice.
This time he had to prove himself.
And this time he was more than willing to do so.
Ever so cautiously he raised his hand to knock on her door at last. A short moment later and the door was opened to an amused and smirking Elizabeth. "I wondered if you were ever going to knock." She smiled again and he felt the air rush out of him. Really, he had no idea how she did that.
"I…I wanted to talk to you." His tone must have affected her because she sobered quickly and he was disappointed to see the light dim from her eyes. How many times had he started a bad conversation out like that? He could see her mind spinning in the same direction. Her body tensed defensively as she nodded and moved to let him pass. They both moved to the couch and sat facing each other. He let out a long breath to calm his nerves.
"What do you need to say….I thought everything had been said?"
He looked up and met her eyes. She was trying, he could tell, to keep herself together. He had no doubt now, evident by her glistening eyes, that she expected the worst. He wanted to soothe her fear but he couldn't lie to her. The possibility of hurting her again with his words was unsettling. Because he still had no idea what her reaction would be.
"Elizabeth, I didn't come here to hurt you again. I came because I had too. I have been walking around completely miserable since we said goodbye at the Courthouse. You know I love you and God I hope you know how much I want you. But I don't think you have any idea how much I need you."
"I have tried my entire life not to need anything or anyone. Because all that leads too is a lot of hurt and pain. But from the moment you walked into my life I have needed you. You always said it was the opposite. That it was me that you needed. That might be true, but I think back to some of those times and I know I wouldn't even be sitting here if it wasn't for you. Regardless of what you might think, I'm not talking about the times you physically saved me. I'm talking about the times you saved my sanity and my heart. "
Jason bent his head and shook it from side to side, smiling at how completely true the words were. He didn't understand why it had taken him this long to say them. He felt her touch before it came and he welcomed the warmth of her hand hesitantly touching his own. After everything that had transpired, it amazed him that she so quickly offered him comfort without asking for anything in return. He brushed his thumb over the smooth, silky skin. He kept his head down as he continued.
"I've always thought that people never put enough stock in the word, need. You can love hundreds of different people for a hundred different reasons. You can want someone for their smile or laugh or body. The difference is that you can survive your entire life without either of them. It would be a horrible way to live but it could be done." He seemed to be talking more to himself than her. He knew he was rambling on but couldn't seem to stop either.
"But there are things you need in order to live. Food, water, shelter, these are essential to exist." Jason raised his head finally and looked again at Elizabeth. Streams of tears were flowing down her face and yet she made no move to wipe them away. He reached up and brushed them away with his fingers, as more quickly took their place. "You are essential to my existence. I just need you."
Elizabeth leaned in, still hesitant and placed her lips to his. The whisper of a kiss was gentle, experimental, as if they were learning the flavors and textures of each other all over again. Jason pulled her closer as she moved to straddle him, knowing there were still things to say but not caring. It had been too long since her body was pressed up against his, since he felt so complete. He ran his hands down her back and over the firm roundness of her bottom. He pulled her down to him at the same moment he thrust upwards. She gasped at his blatant arousal and used the momentum to grind her body into his.
What started out slow was now blazing out of control. Jason ran his hand soothingly down her back and buried his face into the crook of her neck. It was so easy to get lost in the scent of her. He took several steady breaths, relishing the softness of her body, the smell of her hair, as he willed his body to calm.
He reluctantly pulled back to look her in the eyes once more. What he was going to say now would forever change their lives and he needed to see her reaction. Her eyes were still dark with lust and he couldn't help but think that this was all he ever wanted to look at for the rest of his life.
"I told you once that there was only one way out of this business; death. That's still true Elizabeth. What I'm telling you now can go no further, no one can know because it could compromise everything." His hands held firmly to her thighs as his body tensed for the moment of truth. Elizabeth looked back and nodded her consent; nothing would go any further than this room.
"I'm going to fake my death. " Jason watched the shock and curiosity flash through her eyes, but instead of questioning, she waited his response.
"It won't happen overnight, it's going to take some time. Months, maybe. I want it done right because it's going to be forever. I'm never coming back to Port Charles." She couldn't resist the questions this time and he could see hurt and anger coming through her words.
"So what the hell is this? You come here to tell me how much you need me and love me and you kiss me like that and then tell me that your leaving forever?" She tried without any success to remove herself from his lap. Jason held strong, there was no way he was letting her go that easy. "I…I honestly don't believe this…you and me…..and you up..and leave…..
Finally deciding that the only way he was going to get to continue was to quiet the petite brunette, Jason lowered his mouth and cut her off with another forceful kiss. At first she continued to struggle against him, but it wasn't long before the she gave into the pervasive power of him. He broke the kiss and started feathering light brushes of his lips across the creamy skin of her cheek and neck until he finally reached her ear.
"I'm not leaving you." He whispered. He could feel her body further relax against his and knew that it was now or never. "I want you and Cam and Jake to come with me. I want my family."
Jason really didn't know what he expected of Elizabeth, after telling her that he wanted them with him. But the sobs that racked her body and the warm tears against his neck was worrisome. Was she crying because she was going to have to tell him no? Or was she relieved that this tug of war with their hearts was finally over? The possibilities filled his mind as he sat there and tried to sooth her with his touch. Regardless of the reason for her tears, he couldn't stop the hopeful words from coming out.
"I bought a villa in Italy. It's beautiful. The rooms are painted in warm colors and every square foot is laid with Italian marble. The windows are taller than me and are completely uncovered. In the day the sunlight lightens the entire house and at night, I swear the stars are so close you feel like you can touch them. It sits on acres and acres of land as far as you can see. I had a swing set and jungle gym put up in the backyard for Cam and Jake. The beach is close enough to walk to and from the master bedroom balcony you can watch the sunset on the water. There's room there for an easel so you can paint. The colors are amazing."
If anything this caused her to sob harder and Jason was lost as to what to make of it. He had gone too far to turn back and he needed her to know everything.
"I want to marry you and raise the boys as a real family. I want to have a dozen kids with you. A girl with your smile and brunette hair. But mostly I want to grow old with you and see you and touch you every day for the rest of my life. I can't promise a fairy tale or that everything will be perfect but I can promise to love you with my entire heart. I know I'm asking you to turn away from your friends and family and life here, to take the boys away from everything they know. Like I said, it will take some time and I will be gone for a while before I can send for you. I guess what I'm asking is, can you…can you have faith in me to come for you? Elizabeth, I need to know, can you wait for me?"
Elizabeth raised her head and the smile she graced him with would have brought him to his knees if he were standing. She reached out and placed both hands on either side of his face. She didn't even hesitant this time with her touch or her words.
"I'll wait for you forever…."