The Twilight Twenty-Five
Prompt: Prologue
Pen name: BecauseSheCan
Pairing: Bella with mentions of Edward
Rating: T
Hi y'all So I am taking the oppurtunity with the Twi25 to do something outside my comfort zone. It will be a multi-chapter fic, in diary format. Since it is on a deadline the updates should be almost daily.
With love- Rachel
Dear Diary,
I don't really know why I am starting you… Actually that's a lie. Look at me, why am I lying to you? I mean it's not as if you can judge me right? You're just a damn piece of paper. So I am going to try and be honest, starting with why I am beginning this damn journal of nonsense…
Do you have any ideas how many times I have tried lowering my hand to write these next few words but I can't bring myself to? No, of course you don't, you can't possibly understand how humiliating it is to have to write down anything because you can't write. All you do is listen and here you sit, patiently waiting for me to collect myself to confide in you but I just can't write this, okay. Well here goes nothing- I am beginning you because I have no one else. No one. Jessica Stanley just got a fucking job today, she was my last friend left in this damn town and even she has finally transitioned into being a functional member of society, while I am stuck here back home after being away for four years working my ass off for a degree that can't get me hired. And nothing has changed. Forks, Washington is insulated so well I swear it is impervious to change.
It is suffocating and I am drowning in the constant cloud coverage and every single fucking minute I am haunted by memories of him. HIM! God I am pathetic. I Bella Swan am fucking pathetic, no friends, no job, living at home with an almost mute father (whom I love dearly) and I haven't had a functional relationship since I dated a vampire when I was seventeen. And now I have you diary dearest, you who I am for some unknown reason personifying. I want to give you a name, you know like some crazy car people give their cars names? Do you have an opinion on your name?
Forget I said that, since I am too lazy to erase it, and I really don't want to pull out another sheet of your precious paper. (There is already a mountain in my trash of blank papers). Okay right so your name… I shall call you------Daria. See it's like Diary but not really. I am a sly one. No actually I am quite lame, and I am now trying to convince you to like a name when you CANT LIKE ONE.
So today is January 2, and I know people make New Year's resolutions on new year's eve, but I have been either drunk, hung over, or working. So today I shall make my resolution: This year I will move on from Edward Cullen. I am not still in love with him, well maybe a little, but that's just because he is my first love, and I have been convinced it is perfectly normal for me to not be able to fully let go. But my life is still stuck, and every man I meet I compare to him but who can possibly be better. Even with amazing friends who have attempted to convince me of his lesser qualities (watching me sleep, controlling, possibly wanting to kill me, the isolation he caused between me and my friends) I still think he is the best I will get. They have no idea what it means that a man waited a hundred years for me. That his love for me overcame all his instincts that were screaming in his head to kill me. That I was practically made for him and that ever since I laid eyes on him for the first time something inside me changed. Something deep and elemental that I can't exactly explain changed. All I know is that I loved Edward Cullen with everything I ever was. Everything I ever will be, but I can't keep holding on forever. He left me, and Jake put me back together, until Jake imprinted, and now my friends have kept me sane but it is up to me to put the last missing pieces together. I have to leave the past in the past.
Of course this is easier said than done. As I was complaining about earlier Forks is the smallest town in the world. There are no single men my age here that I don't know, and almost everyone my age has either shacked up or found lives in bigger and better places… I suppose I could always start a secret affair… but then again nothing can stay secret in Forks. Well except that it was once home to a family of vampires, I suppose that stayed secret enough.
But I keep getting off topic and you deserve to know why I started you and what your reason for being is. You are to (since I don't have Jessica) make sure I am not becoming a recluse. I will write in you and record my progress so at least I am responsible to someone. So lucky you, you get to hear all the trials and tribulations that plague the life of perhaps the most awkward girl in the world, and you get to hear about my painful attempts at finding romance. Lucky you right?
Well, you should be glad to hear that I have no current prospects at the moment. My life right now consists of working at the diner. I wake up at four o'clock every morning, and drag my tired ass into the door to open, prepare the coffee, table. An hour and a half later, when customers who were able to sleep later than me (and are able to be perky as they wait for their cup of coffee to brew )begin to come in, I dream that Edward changed me. If not to be with him, then to just not feel tired like this. Not to feel weary down to my bones as if I have been living in this purgatory for existence. Nothing ever changes in my schedule, and I hate being this girl again. In college I was able to be free of the image of Bella Swan jilted girl and just be Bella, somewhat normal, if a bit more depressed than the average teenage girl. And now I am back here and I feel as if I am still waiting for my life to begin, as if I have never left the floor of that forest. And though I survive the day to day, I laugh, I cry, thoughts like this, like wishing he was back here, pop into my head while I watch the brown liquid drip into the mug.
Edward Cullen is never far from my thoughts, and some days it's worse than others.
The rest of the day passes in the same fashion, my life is dictated by the rushes and lulls, the longest lull is from 9:37 (exactly) till around 10:52. During this time I need to re-stock everything, make fresh coffee, and try and prepare all the normal customers take-out, which like everything else in this damn town is always the same. Sometimes me and Jess would sneak out back for a quick smoke (her, not me) and gossip. She would tell me all about Mike's new wife or the adventures she had in college down in California, and her occasional encounters with celebrities (which I am sure she over exaggerated but they are amusing enough). I suppose now that she is gone I won't even have that small luxury to look forward to until we get someone else to take her spot. Long story short I work my ass off until I can drag my ass out of there come home, read, talk, pass out and make Charlie dinner. Then the day repeats.
So do you understand why I still dream of Edward Cullen? He was the only bright life in the constant gray of this small town. My life he lit up like a brilliant explosion and nothing can compare to the life I lived while he was in it. I never felt more alive than when I did when I was with him. Is that sick? Only feeling alive in the presence of the dead? I just wish there was a reason to it, a reason for meeting him, a reason for him leaving, a reason why I can't forget. But maybe that is the cowards' way out, trying to figure out that someone else is determining my life rather than taking responsibilities, anyway I know it's a lot to expect but I have a year to move on. I'm not expecting a miracle overnight.
I think that is all I can say at the moment,
Always,
-Bella