"Cullens Incarcerated Contest"
Story Title: "Trust Me"
Main Characters: Edward/Bella
Disclaimer: I don't own any of it. But Fuck me, I'd love to own a Conward.
To see other entries in the "Cullens Incarcerated" contest, please visit the profile: http://www . fanfiction . net/u/2163960
EPOV
It was over. I knew that. I wasn't naïve enough to think that I'd even have a shot at convincing the judge – not to mention Bella – that this wasn't my fault. That it wasn't me. I snorted. How fucking cliché. It wasn't me. I'm innocent.
Yeah. Fucking fabulous.
Take that statement, add it to my incredibly impressive rap sheet, and you might as well lock me up and throw away the fucking key.
As fucked up as it may seem, the jail time didn't even faze me. It was losing Bella that killed me. And even worse than that, seeing that she didn't trust me. That she probably never fucking did. But really…who am I to blame her? And then. Fuck. Then having to see her eyes as they looked at me in revulsion, in betrayal. Like I was the leprous asshole who dared to touch her and subsequently ruin her life. I swear to fucking God the look on her face almost made me vomit. Her beautiful features marred by such acute agony was unbearable and I loathed my shitty self for ever putting it there, even if it wasn't my fault. I knew there was no way in hell I could ever get her to listen to me. So I didn't. I didn't say a word. She wouldn't have believed me anyway. And in some sick, perverse way… I didn't want her to.
Prison fucking sucks.
Going to prison for something you didn't do sucks harder.
And going to prison because someone you love more than life itself didn't trust you, is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world.
Before I met her I was a conman, I swindled and hustled with the best of them. And I was exceptional at my craft. But I hated doing it. I started because of my infatuation with Tori, who I'd met in one of my many foster homes.
Tori was 4 years older than me and I worshipped her like the goddess I moronically thought she was. Back then, she was an enigma. She could do no wrong. Tough as nails, with an angelic face to cover the bitter calloused soul she possessed. She could work anyone over at the drop of a hat. She was the one who taught me how to pickpocket at 13, something I can now do in my sleep. She took me under her wing, teaching me all her cons and tricks, sometimes using me as a shill or a plant, sometimes just bringing me along to observe. It was unbelievably fucking thrilling. I couldn't get enough. I couldn't get enough scams done, couldn't get enough money, couldn't get enough of her. And when you have no one to teach you right or wrong – you choose what's easy versus what's right.
So, for a while it was pickpocket for a quick buck, self placed bugs in the food for free meals, and some easy change raising ("I gave you a $20 and you gave me back change for a $10") was all it was for me for a few years. It never really bothered me that I was duping people. Hell, I figured if they were stupid enough to fall for it, then it was their fault for losing out. Right?
When Tori moved us up to some more complicated scams, particularly landlord scam – things became problematic for me. I remember the first time my conscious really kicked in.
Tori scored a fake ID to sublet an apartment. We showed a bunch of different people the apartment. Told them they could move in on the first. They pay us a security deposit and first and last month's rent. Then they'd all show up on the first claiming it was their apartment. Chaos ensues, but by that point, Tori and I are long gone and there's no trace since it's a fake ID. Nice.
But a single mom showed up and I couldn't do it to her. Tori of course showed no sense of remorse, but it was the culminating moment where I knew I didn't want to con anymore. But I still did. And I despised myself for it.
A few more years went by and I still maintained appearances. But everything was fucking gray. Everything from my mood to the weather. Always fucking gray. I stayed with Tori even though I hated her, and in turn my self-loathing reached new heights. There were days when I wake up and realize what a waste of fucking space I am. Tori generally agreed with me. She was adamant that if it weren't for my good looks, she would've dumped my "sexy ass" long ago for another partner in crime.
I used to find excitement in the con. Then it just became a means to an end. One day I was on the street looking for a hustle, and all of a sudden, I knew I wanted to end my life. It wasn't a fleeting feeling and it wasn't something I'd been considering either. But it was like gravity was pulling me into the street.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes to steel my resolve. You'd think there'd be some sort of internal struggle going on in my head, but there wasn't. There were thoughts of regret sure, but in the end there was nothing to hold me here in this enormous city with its never ending skyscrapers and busy people. Who the fuck cares if I live or die if I sure as hell don't? It's the circle of life, I mused. Ha. And with that I pushed myself off the wall and started walking slowly toward the street.
Timing was everything here. No good would come of ending up in the hospital. No, this shit had to be flawless. I halted my steps in the middle of the sidewalk and allowed the people to walk around me. I watched the traffic as it rushed by and caught sight of a Greyhound bus in the right lane, going much too fast for the busy avenue. Perfect. I was working out the timing in my head and right when I needed to bolt toward the street to step out – I was unceremoniously slammed to the ground.
I don't know why it happened. Or whether it was fate, destiny, or just plain luck that I didn't get to end my life that day. And she was the reason.
So as we lay on the ground, my limbs entangled with this girl, who unbeknownst to her had saved my petty life – I was furious with her for fucking up my plans. I made plans and I sure as hell carried them through. It irritated me beyond belief when my plans didn't go as intended. This plan more than any other, was supposed to bring some relief. I was trying to pay back my fucking debt to society and yet here I was, on the ground, my ass hurting, and I was being apologized to, profusely.
She was still talking and all I was focused on was slipping her wallet out of her purse before she asked if I was okay for what seemed like the millionth-fucking-time.
"OHMIGOSH! I'm so sorry!" she wailed.
"Are you okay? I'm so sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going, and I just ran into you like that, I, mean…jeez…just call me Grace!"
I had placed the wallet in my jacket and finally snapped,
"I'm fucking fine!" I spat.
I didn't mean to come across like such an asshole, but truly today had probably made its way to my top 10 shit-tastic events EVER and I was really looking forward to fucking concluding it.
After she shuffled off, embarrassed and fucking clueless that she'd just been stolen from, I went into a coffee shop. Initially I was going to scrape her wallet for cash and ditch it, but instead, I poured over it.
There were tons of business cards. Fuck. For everything. Art dealers, Art galleries, Musicians, and Book stores, my God. There must have been 150 different business cards in here. And then the most overwhelming desire came over me. I wanted to return the wallet with all of its contents. What the – ? This type of shit was completely foreign to me.
I looked around the coffee shop, and considered if the wallet belonged to any of them, would I have wanted to return it? I did.
WHAT?!
I ran my fingers through my hair, frustrated.
I didn't want to con anymore?
Nope.
Not even a little?
Nope.
"Huh." I said aloud. I shoved the wallet in my pocket and went home, determined to have a talk with Tori.
And I really wanted to see Isabella again.
The talk did NOT go over so well. I mean, she knew I'd been unhappy for a while, but acknowledging it out loud had proved too much for Tori. She screamed, yelled, punched me and told me I'd come crawling back to her. I overheard her calling her soul less fuck toy James as I stormed out of her apartment. Luckily, a few years ago I told her we should have separate places so that if the cops caught wind of one, we could go to the other. Truthfully it was so that I could have an excuse to be away from her more often. We hadn't really been "together" in a few years. We fucked when the mood struck, but she was no longer placed on the pedestal she once was.
I went to Isabella's the next day. I got her address from her driver's license.
She looked surprised to see me, but I could see the immediate recognition. What I wasn't prepared for was how beautiful she was. How had I thought she was ordinary yesterday? She was gorgeous .
"Hi…. I don't know if you remember me, but you ran into me in the street yesterday?"
She was checking me out, and I couldn't help but be pleased that she appeared to like what she saw.
She cleared her throat. "Um..yeah. I'm still so sorry about that. I'm kinda clumsy." She mumbled.
I smiled at her, "Yeah, Gracie, I gathered that."
And you're also way too good for me.
I remembered that and gave her her wallet. I was right, this meant way more to her than any cash. Her face lit up and she came in to hug me; I stopped breathing. When she awkwardly wrapped her arms around me, I felt like maybe I could be good enough for her. Her touch was unreal. I didn't even know this girl, but I was drawn to her, wanted her even. I wanted to be better for her. She pulled away and I was caught off guard by how nervous she made me. I didn't get nervous before her.
"Well, let me at least give you a reward." She started digging in the wallet for the small amount of cash that she had in there.
"There's nothing in here that's worth anything monetarily, but it was worth so much more than that to me. So thank you."
"Whoa, whoa. No way, Gracie. I'm not accepting shit. I did the right thing. That's the reward." I said with finality. No way was I getting paid to finally to the right thing.
She smiled.
"That's so endearing." She said, her eyelashes fluttering.
"What is?" I asked, confused as to what she was talking about.
"You believe that doing the right thing is its own reward. It's endearing." She explained, as if it were obvious.
Damn. She couldn't have me pegged more wrong. I was NOT that guy. I was the EXACT opposite of that guy. Some girls were attracted to my type. Bad boys. Smooth talkers. Guys who took what they wanted. Not this girl. No, the only girl I seemed to want, wanted a man who believed that doing the right thing is its own reward. Fuck.
"Yeah." Was all I said. I decided then and there that I was going to do everything different. I could be a better man, and then I could have her. No more stealing, no more lying. I'd find a job. Right now. I needed to find a job right now. I walked away from her door.
"Umm…okay, bye!" She said as I walked away.
"Hey!" she shouted after me. "I didn't even get your name!"
I turned around and smirked, "It's Edward, and I think I need to be thanking you, Isabella…."
More than you know.
I actually got a real job the next day. Selling furniture, which honestly is as close to hustling people as you can get legally, and I was quite good. And I watched Isabella….wait…no…it was Bella, everyone called her Bella. I watched her. A lot. It was stalkerish sure, but I didn't mean for it to be. I wanted to be able to talk to her. I wanted to be able to go with her when she walked to the coffee shop every day. I wanted to say hi when she was at the bar with her friends. I wanted to ask her what she was reading in the library and I wanted to recommend my favorite bands to her at the record store. But for now, surveillance was all I could do. I had to be better for her.
It was her best friend Alice who called me out, letting me know that she knew I was stalking Bella, even though Bella herself didn't have clue. She gave me the courage I needed by telling me that Bella painted me. Plenty. Which was how Alice recognized me in the first place. She told me I had a week before she ratted me out to Bella. I didn't need a week. Within the next 5 minutes, I was being drawn over to this seemingly ordinary girl who made me shake in my fucking boots.
"Isabella?" I asked, feigning surprise.
"Edward!" The way my name flowed off her tongue sent shivers down my spine.
"Who knew Chicago was so small?" I asked and smiled at her warmly. I could see Alice rolling her eyes at me out of the corner of my eye.
"Ok, Bella, I've got to go meet Jasper for…something I forgot about." She said, making it completely obvious that she was just leaving Bella alone for me to talk to her.
Bella bid her goodbye and I took Alice's open seat in front of Bella.
She was blushing bright red and I smiled brighter, knowing that she was as nervous around me as I was around her.
"So it's Bella?" I asked, damn well knowing the answer, but trying to appear like I HADN'T been stalking her. She shook her head yes.
"Listen," I hesitated, not sure where to start. I decided to be blunt. "I…I can't stop thinking about you, Gracie."
"I know." She replied. "I mean, I know what you mean. I didn't know that you can't stop thinking about me, I just meant that I can't stop thinking about you, either." She babbled, and I held back a chuckle at how adorable she was.
"So…since I'm thinking about you, and you're thinking about me….do you think, maybe…I can take you out for dinner?" I asked, actually holding my breath, waiting for her reply.
She smiled brightly, and I swear I'd never seen anyone look more beautiful. "I would like that very much."
Yes, things were definitely looking up for me then. I should have fucking known that it would have taken a 180 back down to shittytown for sure. This couldn't be my life. I couldn't have a real job and a real girlfriend and an honest existence. I don't know why I ever thought I'd be good enough for her. Why she'd ever think I was good for her. But she gave me a chance. I fell for her hard. And when I say hard. I mean, fall on my face on the concrete. Fucking hard. I couldn't even see straight. She was funny and awkward, beautiful and smart. Enigmatic and…sigh…fucking perfect.
Bella was pink. Bella was blue. Bella was yellow. Bella was purple. Bella was every color in the rainbow that was missing from my life. I knew my life was gray, but I had no idea how gray my life was before her.
She was constantly at my place, complaining about how "blah" it was. She started out minutely, adding a throw rug to my living room. It was orange. I hated it. But every time I looked at it, I thought of Bella, so I loved it at the same time.
She knew I wasn't perfect early on. Apparently Jasper, Alice's boyfriend, had been swindled by fucking Tori once upon a time, and he told Bella about me. I'd never met the guy, but I wanted to punch and kiss him at the same time. Punch him for telling Bella about my past before I had gotten a chance to sugar coat it, but kiss him, because I was being such a pussy about telling her, that at least it was over with.
I should have let her go then. I should have never thought that she could ever fully trust me. She'd never truly believe that I had changed my ways. But I loved her too much. I couldn't, and still can't, even think about seriously breaking up with her for those reasons. I just hoped too much that she could. I prayed too hard that she would. I showed her everything, told her everything I'd ever done, so that she could know everything, and hope that she could just….forgive me for it, and understand that I wasn't that man.
She said it didn't matter. But I still felt it. She didn't believe what she was saying, and I was willing to wait for her to be okay with it. There was an uncomfortable awkwardness every time I was in her apartment with Alice and Jasper. They both clearly disapproved of Bella dating me. I don't know if they really disapproved of Bella dating me, or just me in general. Either way, they didn't want me in their place, but Bella just pretended nothing was wrong and continued to love me and love me and love me. We spent most of our time at my place anyway.
She would leave my apartment to go to hers to paint, and I would feel uncomfortable being at her place – so I bought her an easel and paints and gave her a large space in the dining room that I never used. She was thrilled and I loved watching her paint. She painted everything, she painted scenery, she painted buildings, she painted people, but she never painted me while I was there, nor had I seen any paintings of me, though I knew they existed.
"How come you never paint me?" I asked.
"Vanity, vanity!!" She teased.
I blushed for a second when I realized how vain it did sound.
"No, I just meant that you paint everyone else in your life, how come you don't paint me?" I asked quietly.
Now it was her turn to blush. It seems she was trying to avoid the question.
She huffed. "It's too much pressure, I don't let anyone see the portraits I draw of them. I feel like they'd be too critical of them. It's why I don't paint myself. I think I'd either paint myself too pretty, or I'd paint myself so that it doesn't even look like me. It's frustrating" she said blowing her hair out of her eyes.
"I don't think I'd be critical, Bella. I'd love to know how you see me." I said, kissing her head softly.
"Maybe someday, Edward. I'm not ready for that yet." She said, focusing on her painting, clearly wanting the conversation to be over.
"God damn it, Edward!" She panted, pushing her hips against mine, taking my cock in deep. "So fucking good!" I moaned and shut my eyes, trying to hold off my orgasm until she could cum. Hearing her was pure heaven. Feeling her body was perfection. Seeing her sweaty form writhing under me, while she bit her perfect swollen lips would have pushed me over the edge.
"So close, Edward, so fucking close! Ung, you have no idea what you do to me! God, you know how to make my pussy feel so good..." She moaned and hissed in uneven breaths.
I was close, and I needed to pull out all the stops to get her there before me.
I leaned in and whispered in her ear, "I know because your pussy belongs to me. You're MINE." Then I sucked her nipple into my mouth and nipped it with my teeth. She whimpered and I knew I was done. I spoke through my clenched teeth. "Fuck. Bella. I can't hold out anymore. Cum for me. Please….."
I felt her body stiffen and heard her cry out a strangled version of my name. I continued thrusting as I felt my orgasm take over my body and I spilled inside her, feeling her clench around me as I came.
I rolled off of her and looked into her eyes and smiled, knowing I was looking at my saving grace. My angel. My redemption. I knew I didn't deserve her, but I didn't care. I was selfish. She was here. I was keeping her. I never wanted her to leave.
"Marry me, Gracie."
Her eyes widened at the question and she smiled wider than I thought physically possible.
"You really want me to marry you?" She asked while kissing my chest. I shuddered from her touch.
"I don't have a ring or anything. Fuck, Bella, I don't have anything to offer you. But I can't imagine my life without you in it in some capacity. Say you'll be my wife." I was almost pleading.
She giggled. "Edward, you're more than anything I could ever want or need." She looked into my eyes and said the sweetest words I'd ever heard. "I want nothing more than to be your wife."
I hopped up out of bed and got dressed faster than I ever had before.
She sat up looking dazed. "What are you doing?"
"I'm getting dressed. C'mon, you too. We're getting married."
"Right now?" She asked incredulously.
"Yeah. Damn right. I can't wait another second to make you mine." I was rushing around my room, looking for my birth certificate, tearing open my junk drawer where I likely kept it.
She smiled and stood up, wrapping herself in a sheet and going to my closet where she kept a few things. I sat back for a few minutes and watched her get dressed, my heart filling with pride that this perfect gorgeous woman would be legally tied to me in a few hours.
We ran to her apartment to get her birth certificate and then we skipped all the way to city hall like a bunch of love drunk fools. We filled out the paperwork and were able to get a justice of the peace that afternoon. While we waited, we went down to the coffee shop where we met.
"I can't believe you want to marry me." I said softly, running my hands through my hair. "I mean, you don't have to, Bella. I am being totally selfish here. If you want the big wedding, with the cake and the dress, we can wait. I just…"
She cut me off. "Edward, do I really seem like the big dress, big cake, being the center of attention kind of girl to you? Seriously, don't you know anything about the girl you're about to marry?" She teased and winked at me.
I relaxed a tiny bit. "I know you, Gracie. You're my Bella. You're all mine."
She took my hand and kissed it. "I'll never be anyone else's. Only yours."
We stopped by a street vendor on the way back to the court house and bought two silver bands. I promised Bella I'd replace them, but she didn't seem to care. I was just happy that at least it wouldn't turn her finger green, though I doubt she would've cared anyway.
The ceremony was quick, and by the time the judge said, "I now pronounce you husband and wife." I was just about a pile of mush. Who knew I was such a fucking girl? We thanked the judge and the court witnesses and we went back to my place.
The atmosphere was different his time. While this morning had all about carnal lust and passion, this felt more like tenderness and devotion. I worshipped her body and she worshipped mine. We'd been together a little while, but it had never been like this. It had never felt this complete. Never this emotional. Never this sacred. The amount of climaxes was irrelevant. I was connected to her in a way that I didn't even think was possible. I may have fucking cried. And I didn't even feel like a fucking pansy about it.
I held her tightly next to me, and reveled in the fact that this was the happiest I'd ever been in my entire fucking life. I should have known that Edward Cullen didn't get happy endings.
The next morning, Bella wasn't in my arms. The bed was cold; she'd been gone for a while.
"Bella?"
No answer. I grabbed my clothes and looked around for a note. Nope. Huh.
I pulled my jeans on and walked into the living room. That's when my stomach dropped out of my body.
Bella was sitting on the couch, with her arms wrapped around her knees. She'd been crying. A lot. Alice was next to her staring daggers at me like I'd fucking murdered her puppy. A police officer was standing beside them both with a notebook in his hand writing down something. Next to the officer on the table was a painting of me, it looked like it was from yesterday. I was practically glowing with happiness. It was a far cry from how I was feeling now.
But the fucking icing on the "Fuck You, Edward" cake, was a security deposit box I'd never seen before laid on the table, filled with items that looked like they had value. A gold pocket watch, old fashioned diamond jewelry, papers of what appeared to be stocks and bonds. That wouldn't have seemed like a big deal. But it was the name on the box that sealed my fate. "Charles Swan".
"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO HER?" Alice shrieked, charging at me. The cops held her pixie ass back. Bella didn't say a word, she wouldn't even look at me. She looked faraway and I knew then I couldn't reach her.
I swallowed, my mind scrambling. I knew I didn't do this. I didn't take this from her. I didn't even know that box existed. I mean, she did mention a security deposit box in passing conversation once when we were out, but I never even…
FUCK.
Tori. It had to be her.
But it didn't matter who did it or how. Bella didn't trust me. She saw it, and she just assumed…she didn't even trust me enough to ask…and I knew that she didn't trust me. But still, the cold reality of having it proved to you…just fucking blows beyond comprehension.
"I can't believe you went through that whole façade of being with Bella just to get to her security deposit box! Who fucking does that? Oh right. YOU. You fucking piece of shit." Alice continued her verbal assault, while one of the cops asked her to settle down and the other asked Bella questions that I couldn't hear, nor hear her answers in return.
I felt like I was having a heart attack. My chest closed up. The love of my life thought I could steal from her. And worse. The love of my life didn't believe that I loved her.
Eventually, the cops asked Alice to bring Bella home and they sat me down.
"Son, we know you got a rap sheet with this kind of thing. Did you con that girl so you could get her late father's security box?"
I didn't answer. It didn't matter. They'd already made up their mind.
"It'll be better if you confess." The cop suggested.
I didn't say a word. I didn't even know if I could if I wanted to.
"All right, well, if you don't have anything to say to negate the evidence…..You have the right to remain silent…anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law."
Court of law? Irrelevant. Bella's opinion was that I was the scum of the earth. I didn't give a shit what the courts had to say.
The trial was quick since I plead guilty to everything. I didn't even know what I was pleading guilty to. I didn't care. If Bella thought I did it, I might as well had. Her opinion was the only one that mattered. I felt like I would be doing penance for her.
I got the letters from Tori shortly after starting prison life.
"My sweet Eddie,
You didn't think you ACTUALLY deserved her, did you? You should be thanking me. I just showed you what she actually thought of you. I just showed you what you refused to see with those pretty little green eyes. She was always going to think you were nothing but a lying, stealing nobody. I know, the truth hurts baby.
See you on the outside…if you ever get out….
Tori "
Fucking bitch. But it didn't surprise me in the least.
I'd done some time before, so adjusting to prison life wasn't that difficult for me. Everything was gray again though. Gray I could deal with. Except the jumpsuits. The jumpsuits were orange. Orange, just like my Bella Rug. Every day, wearing that jumpsuit was like prison taunting me with thoughts of Bella, with it's stupid bright orange color. Why the fuck can't jumpsuits be gray?
But in prison, I knew to stay quiet and stay the fuck out of everyone's way. I knew who to give my contraband to in order to gain their protection if necessary. And holy shit, I didn't have a cellmate with an ass fetish. Actually, I was a lucky motherfucker in that respect.
His name was Emmett. He was in for manslaughter, but after he told me his story, I couldn't blame him. I'd have done the exact same thing.
His wife Rosalie was walking home from work one night, when a man she knew from work tried to give her a ride home. Rose refused and walked faster, but the man continued to insist. She finally relented and he took her to the woods and raped her repeatedly, and then left her for dead. Rose survived, but not without some pretty serious injuries and some severe emotional distress, obviously.
Now, Emmett's not a small guy. I don't know how much he's bulked up from prison, but he's fucking terrifying if you didn't know him. I was scared shitless myself when I saw him and learned he was going to be my cell mate, but after getting to know him, he's harmless. Unless you fuck with his family. Then he'll fucking kill you. Literally.
He wouldn't go into detail about how it happened, but I don't think that it was "unplanned" as was implied in the court. He would talk about Rose all the time and his two little girls at home. He would ask me if I had anyone on the outside and I would just shut down. I wasn't ready to delve into that yet.
It finally came out one night when I fell out of my bunk. You don't sleep well in prison and I was tossing and turning – eventually falling out of the top bunk and I landed hard on the floor.
"Way to go, Gracie." Emmett mumbled.
I clutched my chest like I was having a heart attack and started sobbing uncontrollably. Emmett couldn't have known what hearing that particular nickname would have done to me.
He panicked, "What the fuck, dude? Do you need a medic?"
I shook my head and tried to quiet my sobs. They would NOT help me here.
And then it all came out. All the cons, Tori, Bella, our…marriage…, my arrest. Everything.
"So, you got married, the day before you got arrested. Wow. That's rough. When did you have to sign for divorce?" He asked.
I was stunned. I honestly hadn't thought about it. I figured she would have done something on her end, gotten it annulled or something. It honestly hadn't occurred to me that I would have had to sign something.
"She didn't…I mean, I never got anything to sign…" I said incredulously.
Emmett blinked at me. "Why not? I mean, no offense, but if she thought you just conned her to get to her stuff, why would she stay married to you?" I honestly had no idea. I had spent the last year not hoping, not wishing, not ANYTHING.
The tiny sliver of hope that Emmett had just given me was more than I deserved, but it brought me back to life. I hoped that one day Bella could forgive me. That one day she would listen to me, after I'd done my penance.
Visiting days were hard for me. Emmett was gone visiting Rose and the girls, and I was left alone to think about what Bella was doing, how her art was progressing, what she was painting now, what she was thinking in that exact moment. I wondered if she was happy, and I was desperate to see her, to talk to her, to just be near her.
Then it came. The day that I was told I had a visitor. To say I was ecstatic would be a gross understatement. I was practically vibrating with excitement. Emmett was almost as happy for me as I was.
"See bro? It's good to have some hope." He patted me on the back and I nearly skipped to the family visit room.
I didn't get nervous until I was standing in front of the door. What would I say? What would she say? Would it be okay to kiss her?
I walked into the room and Bella was sitting in chair, looking as beautiful as ever, but something was off. She seemed…less vibrant. Like her spark had been burnt out. This was not my Bella; it was disturbing.
"Hey, Gracie." I smiled at her.
"You don't get to call me that. My name is Bella." She clipped.
"Okay." I sighed. I still needed to explain. But it didn't matter. She was here.
I opened my mouth to speak, but she beat me to it. "I came here because I need some signatures from you." She said and pulled a large manila envelope from her bag.
My eyes widened. "What are those?" I asked, though I knew exactly what they were.
"What do you think they are? They're divorce papers. I've put this off long enough" She said detached.
Hope was dashed again, but this time it was replaced by anger.
"You wanted to do this to my face? You wanted to see how much it would hurt?" I shouted at her.
She was taken aback but didn't answer.
"You could have just mailed the shit, Bella. I would have signed it and mailed it back and you wouldn't have had to see me. I know you're a liar, but I didn't know you were so fucking vindictive!"
"I'M A LIAR?" She shrieked. "You have the audacity to call ME a liar? You steal from me, you con me into thinking you're in love with me, and you call ME a liar?"
I snorted.
"Bella. I never lied to you. I never stole from you. I AM in love you, and YES, you are a liar."
She shook her head, "What? That doesn't make any sense! If you didn't steal from me, who did? Why was it in your apartment? Why would you plead guilty? Why wouldn't you tell me the truth? WHY, Edward?" She was crying now, and I felt like and asshole for making her cry, but it only lasted for a second when I realized the answer to her question.
"You already had your mind made up when you called the cops before asking me. You lied to me about trusting me. You didn't trust me, you never did. The first chance you had to prove it, you confirmed you didn't trust me at all. And I didn't tell you or anyone else what happened, because you wouldn't have listened."
"Well, I'm listening now." She said, and crossed her arms over her chest.
I took a deep breath and told her about Tori's note, I had Emmett find it and give to the guards to show her. I told her that I thought about her every day, and I told her how it didn't matter that she didn't trust me, I still loved her more than anything in the world. That I would do anything to prove myself to her, even if it meant doing time for something that I didn't do.
After my speech, I looked up at Bella. She was very pale. And didn't say a fucking word.
BPOV
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
It was real. It was really really real. He loved me. No, he LOVES me.
From the moment I saw him, my life was altered. I'd been in Chicago over a year and was finally starting to excel in my art program. My professor had just told me that I was being given an opportunity to have my work showcased in a galleria for local Chicago artists and I was positively beaming that other people considered my work that good. I was so anxious to get back to Alice and Angela to tell them my exciting news that I pushed haphazardly through the door and burst out into the street. And then I saw him. At that moment, time managed to both slow down and speed up simultaneously. It slowed down allowing me the opportunity to take in his beautiful face. Pale and angular, with a jaw line so sharp I was sure it could cut glass, his hair was a perfect blend of messy and controlled, and his eyes…they were beyond words. Then time managed to speed up and I idly challenged myself to painting his face from only the small glimpse I had gotten all the while I was still completely unable to stop my body from colliding in to his.
From that simple clumsy collision, I was irrevocably changed. He brought my wallet back the next day, that I'd "dropped". Even now as I look back, he had avoided conning me since the beginning. He could have, but he didn't.
When Jasper told me about his past, I won't lie, it bothered me. It bothered me that Edward didn't tell me himself, and it bothered me that it was always in the back of my mind. And Alice's judgmental comments didn't help any. It was always "Bella do you really think a guy like that can change? I mean COME ON, look at his background. It's just screaming GET THE FUCK OUT while you can!" or other times "Bella, explain to my why you're still with this guy? Have you checked your wallet? You sure the beautiful douche hasn't STOLEN anything from you yet…."
Oh Alice. I can't even count how many times we got into arguments about Edward. Whether it was Alice's insistence or just my insecurities – Edward was right. I did lie to him. I didn't trust him. I wanted to; but fell short. On the other hand, the chemistry between us was unparalled. I loved him more than I thought it was possible to love another person. And thought that if we never spoke about his past, I could just wish it away…
I was building myself up to let him see his portrait. Telling myself that he wouldn't criticize or patronize me. I imagined his face when he'd see it. Telling me how much he loved it, and he'd be honest, because he would love it. Because he loved me.
Marrying him wasn't even a question. I was more nervous about showing him my stupid painting than I was about binding myself to him for life.
We had a brief but intimate ceremony, followed by a wedding night that was romantic and passionate like nothing I'd ever experienced. It was then I knew I was ready to show him. I crept out to the living room and painted him as I saw him, when we were saying our "I do's". He was so stunning in that moment. Somehow I had managed to capture a wide array of emotions on his face. Happiness, contentment, satisfaction, adoration…..love. they were all there in the subtle lines of his face and smile. By the time I was done, my face mirrored his exactly. I was finishing up and sneaking it back into his room, so it'd be the first thing he'd see when he woke up. I decided to prop it on the open drawer in his dresser, the one he'd left open after his frantic search for his birth certificate.
But then I saw it. The security deposit box. MY security deposit box. The one that I'd told him I had in a passing conversation about family. I had jokingly mentioned that my family was all gone. Except for what was left of them in my security deposit box. HA HA.
Yeah. Ha. Ha. Ha. I felt so betrayed. I felt so stupid, felt like I'd kept my blinders on and that I should have known. I couldn't breathe, think, or speak. And all the while I feel like...I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up.
I didn't know what the hell to do. So I called the only person I knew I could. Alice. And the cops.
And he never denied it. He never said a word. What was I supposed to think? The odds were always against us. Always watching, waiting for the right moment to fuck up our lives. And I never looked in his eyes after I saw the box. I couldn't bear to see his face after I knew what he'd done. I knew I'd fall for whatever tale explanation he'd give. Or maybe I just wanted to remember his eyes – my eyes as I'd last seen them. Happy, content, satisfied….alive. No matter what happened from here on out, my mind was already made up.
After he went to prison, I stopped painting. I couldn't stand to delve into the memories. Memories of us and all that was now lost because of his betrayal. It was just too painful and on the rare occasion that I did try I ended up in hysterics. So painting was definitely out of the picture for now. And then when the numbness of the situation started to fade I noticed that my apartment was full with vibrant colors. Colors that reminded me of Edward.
Except grey. Grey was safe. One night it got so bad I ended up throwing almost everything out of my apartment. The rugs, vases, paintings – you name it. To finish things off, I even switched majors and colleges and went into accounting. Accounting was safe, just like grey.
I got a job right away as an accountant for a small company in Chicago. I didn't tell anyone that I was married, but I loyally wore my silver band. I just couldn't bring myself to take it off. When anyone asked if I was single or married, I just said "I'm not looking." It was true. I wasn't looking. My heart knew it was always going to be Edward's, whether he loved me or not.
About a year after he was in prison, I met Mike. We had no sparks. There was no chemistry. Initially it was why I had avoided saying yes to his advances, but then it dawned on me one day. No sparks, no chemistry. Not like Edward. Not like Edward=safe. Simple accounting.
So, I agreed. He was pleasant enough. He was respectful, and funny. Mike was a gentleman and he was cute in a generic kind of way. We'd been dating for a about a year, and on a particularly average date, Mike proposed in a particular average way, with a particularly average ring. I realized that it was as close to happy as I was ever going to get.
So, I decided that I would finally man up and go see Edward, to divorce him. I would give him a chance to apologize, and it would give me a chance to forgive him and clear the air. To start over with my life.
But now I'm in this room, with this man who really truly loves me, and always has, and he's in prison because of me. Because of what I accused him of. And he was innocent. I felt like I would vomit. I was a shitty excuse for a person.
"Bella." His words shook me out of my revelry.
"I'm so sorry." I choked out covering my mouth.
"You're right. You're right about everything. I didn't trust you. I lied to you…I…" I was sobbing at this point, the epitome of a broken woman.
He got up and came around the table, kneeling on the floor in front of me as I pivoted in my chair. He held my hands in his and kissed my ring finger.
"Gracie…it's okay." He continued kissing my hands and I was shaking. He sat back on his heels.
"Why now?" He asked. "Why did you wait so long to have me sign these?" he nodded toward the paperwork on the table.
I bit my lip, not wanting to form the words.
"I….I needed closure…" I said.
He tilted his head. "Is that all?" He asked, his brows furrowing.
I sighed heavily.
"No. I'm…I'm sorta engaged …"
He jumped to his feet.
"I see." He said angrily.
Before I could continue, he grabbed the pen, signed the forms and started banging the door for the guard.
"Edward, I'm so sorry, I didn't know…" I pleaded, the tears overflowing.
"Yeah. It's fine. I'm sorry, you're sorry. It's fine. It's over now. Take care, Bella." He said, his voice shaking.
The door buzzed and they removed him, presumably where he'd go back to his cell. I sat in the cold cement room and cried, knowing I'd just ruined the one chance I'd had at true love.
EPOV
Every day the letters came. Every fucking day. I didn't read them. I knew what they said. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I didn't care. No, I couldn't care. Thinking about her with another man made my vision turn red and my chest feel like it would cave in.
Emmett asked if he could read the letters, and I let him. I figured if there was anything in there that said something other than "I'm sorry" he would have made sure I knew about it. He never did. But it made me feel better to let Emmett read them. It felt like I was getting back at Bella a little bit. If she didn't trust me, then I might as well give her something to not trust me over. So what if I was violating her private thoughts?
A couple of letters must have been particularly good because he read them twice and looked at me afterward with a bright red face. But never said a word.
Months went by and it was the same old, same old. Same fucking prison fights, same fucking bland food, same fucking everything. Emmett and I were both being put up for parole soon, and while I was thrilled for him – I was a fucking mess. What the hell did I have to go to after this? What the fuck did I have waiting for me? I was doomed to repeat this life if cons and prison, prison and cons. Em had his wife and kids on the outside. A reason to try and make it straight. What did I have? Nothing. Even when I WAS living straight and had the proper fucking motivation for it, I still couldn't keep out of here. What was the fucking point?
I was contemplating blowing my parole hearing, just so they would deny me and keep me here longer. I mentioned it to Em, who punched me.
"What the fuck, bro?" He started yelling at me.
I held my stomach where he'd hit me. "What the fuck" me? What the fuck was that for?" I coughed, pretty sure there was some internal damage.
"Yeah, I get it, Edward. Bella fucked you over. Pretty hard. But enough of this poor pity me bullshit!"
I shook my head cynically. "You don't fucking get it bro. You actually have something for you on the outside. Something worth getting out and going straight for! What the FUCK do I have? Nothing!"
Emmett shut his eyes tightly in response and chuckled. "Ya know what? You and Bella have more in common than you'd both like to admit. A fucking martyr complex to start with."
In that moment, I don't know how else to describe it, but I was envious of Em. Not just because he had a life awaiting for him, but because he knew Bella. With every letter she sent and I deferred to him – he knew her. With every letter he immersed himself in, it was like the Bella I knew became dimmer and dimmer. This realization scared me more than the rest. And fuck, when I really thought about it, it was like I had completely lost sight of who Bella was in my life and what she had meant to me…what she means to me.
I was at a loss for words. "I'm sorry, Em. I'll stop bitching."
He shook his head again. "I don't care that you bitch, I bitch enough for the both of us, but, I'm disappointed because you aren't even considering Bella. She's not even on your radar as a possibility. And that fucking pisses –me – off."
"Fuck Em, think about it. Why should I consider her a possibility? She doesn't even want me. She's engaged to be married to someone else now. She doesn't trust me. Not that she should. I'm not good enough for her. And I don't trust her to ever trust me anyway..." I sighed dejectedly.
"Whoa whoa whoa. That's a lot of "trusts" Eduardo. Don't you think that you deserve a fresh start just as much as she does?" He asked quietly.
Shit. I didn't have anything to say. I didn't know what I deserved. I didn't know what she deserved. We barely knew each other anymore. Would she even want me, fucked up as I was? Fucking Emmett with his Dr. Phil shit, knew how to wear anybody out. I needed to numb the pain, the thoughts of Bella in shades of glorious orange and yellow or any fucking color for that matter were driving me borderline insane. Sleep was my only ally here in the confinements of this fucked up cell and my wary mind…
About a week before my parole hearing, I had a visitor. I told the guards if it was Bella, I had no interest in seeing her. They insisted that it wasn't. Now I was intrigued. If it was Tori, I'd fucking kill her. That'd get me my revenge and eradicate the need for a parole hearing.
But as I walked into the visitor's room, I was shocked to see Alice sitting there, with Jasper beside her.
"What the fuck are you two doing here?" I spat in disbelief, before I could even edit a more polite response.
Jasper smiled an amusedly and Alice just narrowed her eyes at me.
"Why the fuck are you ignoring Bella?" She asked, cutting through all the bullshit and getting straight to the point.
"None- of- your- fucking- business" I accentuated each word.
"LOOK!" She shouted, and Jasper held her hand and rubbed her fingers. She took a breath and repeated more calmly,
"Look. I made a mistake judging you."
I raised my eyebrows at this.
"I know that Jasper and I had our opinion of you before we met you, and that was inexcusable. Bella was able to see past it, and I didn't. And I'm sorry for that." she said genuinely, looking at me straight in the eyes. No bullshit.
My mouth hung open. This was the last thing I expected Alice to apologize for. Pixie was apologizing to me?
"Okay." I said smiling.
She huffed. "You're not going to make this easy, huh?"
I smirked, "Did you ever make it easy for me?"
"Touché Cullen." She said, smirking.
"Ok, then, I'll just cut to the chase. Bella is really screwed up. But I know one thing, Edward. It's you, douche bag. It's always been you…….You left and she…..she stopped wearing colors! I mean who does –do you know how hard it is to dress her when all I have to work with…- Anyway. She started an accounting program. And she only dated Mike because he was the polar fucking opposite of you."
My face held no emotion.
Pixie paused. "She stopped painting, Edward."
THAT shit got my attention.
"She did?" I asked softly, my heart breaking.
"Yeah. Until she got home from here a few months ago. Now, she's painting again, but…." She paused again and looked at Jasper.
Jasper finally spoke, "It's all gray, Edward. No colors. She's broken. And on top of it she blames herself entirely. She won't forgive herself until you forgive her."
I bit my lip and ran my fingers through my hair, frustrated.
"What do you want me to do?" I asked, throwing my hands up then letting them slam on the table.
Alice leaned over the table and grabbed my hand. "Just read her letters, Edward. See if you can forgive her, and then reply. Please."
I gnawed on my lip some more, still not fully ready to relive the pain of Bella not trusting me, but knowing I needed to save her sanity and subsequently mine.
I let out a deep breath and nodded, "Ok, l'll read her letters." Alice looked thrilled, and Jasper looked...relieved?
I got back to my cell and looked at Emmett. "I'm gonna need those letters, bro."
He rushed around me to get them in a blue folder he kept under his bunk. He handed them to me all the while trying to hide his smirk, "Thought you'd be needing these eventually."
All knowing prick.
I engrossed myself with her letters. I was right about them at first. They were all the typical shit I expected: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry". I didn't want to hear that. I didn't care that she was sorry. I wanted to know she could trust me. After the first few letters, they became more like a journal. She'd tell me about her day, about getting back into art, but that all she could paint was me, but not in color. That all she could paint was my broken face the morning I was arrested, except she couldn't get the eyes right because she didn't see them. She'd tried to paint me at our wedding, or our first date, or after we'd made love for the first time, and even tried to recreate the first painting she'd ever done of me, the one after she'd run into me, but all she could do was remember the pain in my face that morning that she'd seen out of the corner of her eye.
She wasn't seeing Mike anymore. She was very clear about that. She also mentioned that they'd never slept together and that Mike assumed she was waiting for their wedding night – when in actuality, she just wasn't interested in sex. My girl remembered the jealous motherfucker in me. The thought made me smile inwardly. Then, in the letter that I assumed was the one that made Emmett's face turn red, she described to me the last sex dream that she'd had about me. The depraved things I'd done to her body and the delicious things that I'd let her do to mine. I groaned, pissed at myself that I let Em read this shit before me. And I'll be honest. It was enough to get my cock hard and I'd be lying up my ass if I said I didn't, ahem, relieve myself, while Em was meeting with his future parole officer.
As I kept reading I noticed the letters started to carry a more melancholic feel to them. Bella's narration came sadder and sadder. She spoke of how she didn't deserve my forgiveness anyway and how each day when she recognized that no letters had come – her hope diminished of ever attaining it in the first place.
I almost crumpled this one. I could not believe that I had contributed to Bella's downward spiral with every letter that I foolishly never read or replied to. Still, I kept on.
But I stopped reading when she wrote, "And you should probably know that I never filed for divorce. So, we're still technically married. If you want a divorce from me, I won't give you any grief, I just can't make myself file Edward. I don't have the strength to cut the only tie I have to you now. To quote something you once said to me, "I can't imagine my life without you in it in some capacity."
Enough of this depressed bullshit. I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote the truest words I had ever felt.
"Bella,
I have always loved you and I still l do.
I'm sorry….for everything. And I forgive you – but please, I just need you to trust me.
-Edward "
My parole hearing came and went and I was given a parole officer to check in with once a week. It was pretty simple. I needed a job, I had to submit to random drug testing, I couldn't cross state lines, nothing I wasn't expecting.
Bella was there to pick me up the afternoon I left the prison. I still wasn't sure where we stood after I sent my letter and I was anxious as fuck because of it. She wrote me back asking me how the parole hearing went and I told her when I was scheduled to be released. She wrote back asking if she could pick me up and I told her yes. It was all very generic and platonic.
I had envisioned this moment for God knows how long, and I'm sure to anyone else it would have been an fairly insignificant moment in time – but to me it implied so much more than just being "free".
Now that I really think of it, jail was a perfect parallel of me and my life. A lost kid, locked up in fucked up situations everywhere he turned. So, being let out of prison really did feel like a rebirth of sorts. Being unlocked from the fucked up situations. Even if she didn't want me the way I wanted her, Bella still gave me the incentive I needed to start fresh.
I guess in the end, my own battle was won from within. I couldn't pretend to be good enough for Bella, but I had done my penance, showed here how much she meant, how much her opinion of me mattered, and I would to push myself every fucking day to earn her trust and respect.
And so emerging from incarceration represented my victory. The one I would continue to fight for with every fiber of my being. Because truly, everything was on the line this time. A chance at happiness, love and most importantly, sanity, both hers and mine. Without each other, it was clear, we wouldn't do… well. We'd both learned that the hard way.
Before I emerged from that prison, I was a just shadow of a man, hoping that I could have been enough for her. But now, I knew I would allow her love, which was something so grandiose that not even the heavens would deny her, to mold me into someone different. A person I could actually be okay with. A person that would be good enough for her.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I walked out of the prison gate and she was there, leaning up against her car, biting her nails. She was wearing a dark blue, almost black, sundress and her hair was curled and she looked…just beautiful.
As I approached her, her face darkened.
"What?" I asked, worried that this was a bad idea.
"Nothing, it's just….that's what you were wearing, when they took you…" She said.
"Oh." I said lamely.
"Just bad memories." She sighed and I nodded.
Once inside the car, the awkwardness was almost stifling. Still, through the awkwardness, there was still an undercurrent of lust. We drove in silence until we started getting into the city limits. Bella cleared her throat.
"Umm….I don't know if you found out, but Tori is in prison." She said meekly.
"WHAT?!" I said, more concerned that Bella had actually had face to face contact with the withering bitch.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you'd be upset about it, I thought you two were over..." She said, almost in tears.
I groaned. "Bella, I'm not upset for her. Frankly, she deserves far fucking worse, but I was referring to your safety. How'd they catch her?" I asked.
Bella smiled. "I may have worn a wire while I confronted her about a couple of things." She said proudly.
I gaped at her for a minute. "Are you fucking KIDDING me? Do you have any idea how dangerous she is? How batshit crazy? How…" I stuttered.
She smiled. "Yeah, but it was worth it. There was no way in hell she was getting off easy."
We pulled up to her apartment and behind us I could see the sun setting in an orangey-purple lit sky.
"Are you hungry?" She asked as we walked in the front door.
"Maybe...?" I answered honestly, I was far too nervous to eat, but I hadn't eaten all day.
As Bella went into the kitchen to get something started I sensed a change in the air. The fucking place just hummed to life, like the atmosphere was shifting – accommodating the new but always prevalent entity. It buzzed with energy, awkwardness, eagerness, love, and pure fucking lust. I don't know how she was feeling, but I know that I was almost afraid to touch her. Anxious of opening the fucking Pandora's box of emotions, feelings and longings that I knew would ensue if anything went wrong.
I wandered around the simply decorated living room, taking in the muted grays and browns that were the colors of the furniture and carpeting. Where was the fuck was my ugly orange and annoying purple? This place was nothing like Bella's old apartment and it made me sad that her whole personality had morphed from vibrant and bubbly, to muted and lackluster. I knew I had to bring my Bella home.
I watched her as she walked into the kitchen, desperately wondering what she was thinking in that beautiful head of hers as she rummaged through the fridge and cabinets with an adorable scowl.
"What are you looking for?" I asked, breaking the silence that had taken over since we'd gotten in the door.
"I…..I was going to make you a shepherd's pie. I remember it was your favorite…I cook it for myself a lot…"
"You hate shepherd's pie…" I accused. I remembered she hated the texture of mashed potatoes mixed with vegetables. She used to crinkle her nose and try to separate the layers on her plate. I smiled at the memory.
She blushed and nodded. "Yeah….I don't know why I cook it so much…" she said unconvincingly. I know why she cooked it. It reminded her of me. The thought made my tattered heart swell and break at the same time. I wasn't in her life every day, so she had to make do with memories. The same way I did. But I was here now. We could make new ones, better ones – together. I walked over to the small radio on the shelf and turned on some music. I don't know what was playing. I didn't care. Music had lost all meaning for me. It was just background noise.
She pulled out the potatoes and started peeling and chopping them, while stirring the simmering beef and gravy on the stove. She was so goddamn beautiful. Watching her cook for me was beyond words. It was so wonderfully domestic, it reminded me of everything I sought after and didn't have for the last 2 years ….and it smelled so good I thought I would cry.
I couldn't stand not being in the same room with her anymore and crossed the short distance from the living room into the kitchen. I wrapped my arms around her waist as she stood at the stove, stirring the pot. She immediately relaxed into my chest and I breathed her in. Her signature scent of sugar and flowers and baking bread and…Bella. I leaned in to kiss the spot between her neck and shoulders and she let out shaky breath.
"Bella…" I started, not sure what I wanted to say, but knowing I needed to say something. "I….I'm sorry that I wasn't here …I wish I could have been good enough for you…."
"Don't start that shit, Edward." She interrupted as she spun around and pointed her finger in my chest.
"That's not why you're here." She continued, looking downright pissed. "I don't want to hear how SORRY you are. I don't want to hear about how you wish you could take it all back. If anyone is going to apologize, it's going to be me. Just please understand that YOU are what I want. YOU. I. WANT. YOU."
She punctuated the last words by kissing me with reckless abandon. There was no hesitation, no sweetness, no build up whatsoever. One minute, she was talking and the next, her tongue was in my mouth, her lips kissing me hungrily.
I responded just as fiercely, kissing her back with the same amount of fervor and passion. It didn't even feel like lust. Just frustration and need. A need to make the other understand how important they were, how much fucking love was there no matter what the odds were.
Her fingers threaded into my hair and she tugged gently, with a just a hint of aggression and control. I growled. She remembered how much I loved it when she controlled me. My hands were still wrapped around her waist and I started trailing them down her lower back until they were squeezing her perfect luscious ass. She whimpered into my mouth. She kissed my neck and jaw before kissing up to my ear, "I need you inside me, Edward. Now." She whispered huskily, then scrapped her teeth over my ear lobe. All the air escaped my lungs in a hiss. Fuck. Bella dirty talking to me made my cock leak. This was going to be embarrassingly short.
She pulled away to gage my reaction, which was a curt nod. She pulled away and turned off the burners before smirking back at me, "Dinner…" she trailed her fingers along the counter, "will just have to wait."
I was still rendered speechless, and drowning in anticipation of being inside Bella. For 2 fucking years I'd fantasizing about being inside of Bella. Having her moan while my cock slipped inside her hot, tight pussy. Feeling her legs wrap around my waist as she angled me inside her deeper. Hearing her scream my name as she came….Fuck I needed to get her to that bedroom….
I all but dragged her through the living room and into the bedroom and she giggled at my haste.
Then we were both standing in the muted green bedroom. It looked very much like a crappy under decorated motel room. Right down the ambiguous painting of a field of flowers on the wall that was NOT painted by my Bella and the ugly green bedspread.
And all of a sudden we were both shy. Bella was biting her lip and playing with the hem of her dress. One of my hands was stuffed in my pocket, while the other nervously ran through my hair. We stood there awkwardly for about a minute when Bella huffed and walked over to me.
"Don't you want to kiss me?" She asked softly.
I made a weird snort/huff thing that made her smile. I pulled her to me and I breathed into hair. "I'm not even going to dignify that with a response, beautiful."
She sighed and wrapped her arms around my waist. "I know I said today wasn't for saying sorry…but I need you to know I'm sorry too." She said softly.
"I know Gracie, I know." I said, my throat tightening as I understood the true meaning of those words.
2 years of our lives, wasted on a fucking misunderstanding.
But I brushed the thought aside and kissed her deeply, her hand lowering from my waist to my hips and around to squeeze my ass through my jeans.
I groaned into her mouth as she squeezed, and my hands moved from their own volition down to her own ass and pushed my hips into hers. The friction was too much and not enough at the same time.
"God, Bella, I can't even begin to tell you how much I've missed you." I mumbled in between sloppy kisses to her jaw and neck.
She hummed, "I know, baby, I know."
I push her gently toward the bed until it hit the back of her knees. She pushed me back and looked me in the eyes before pulling her dress over her head. I bit my lip again and watched as her near naked body came into view.
She lifted my shirt over my head then hopped on the bed wearing just a pair of midnight blue panties and matching bra and I crawled over her, not letting my lips ever leave her body.
"Wow. You are…..beyond words." I said as I shook my head.
We both laid on our sides facing each other and my nerves started getting the better of me the second her body lined up against mine. My hands moved over her hip, skimmed her bare stomach and ghosted over the tip of her nipple over her bra.
"I'm nervous, Edward." I looked up, completely caught off-guard with that statement.
"You're nervous? I'm about to make myself look like a virginal teenage boy!" I said, almost laughing.
Bella didn't seem to be joking. "I know we've done this before, but…." She trailed off.
She looked right into my eyes. "But it's going to mean so much more now…." Her eyes started to tear up a bit.
My heart fucking broke a little. I touched her cheek.
"I love you, Gracie. My whole heart belongs to you. Always has. Always will." I said and kissed her forehead.
"I believe you Edward…I…I trust you. With my whole heart."
It was better than I love you. I knew she loved me. But to tell me she trusted me. That was better than any profession of love.
I leaned in close to her ear and whispered, "You trust me, huh?"
She hummed in affirmation.
"You trust me with your heart?" I whispered in her ear again all the while drawing her heart on her chest.
Again she hummed.
"What about your body, Bella, do you trust me with that?" I asked seductively and licked her ear, my hands roaming over her body.
Her breath hitched and her whole body just melted into my arms.
"It's been 2 years Bella…I don't think I words can describe how badly I want to be inside of you…..or how humiliatingly quick this is going to be…"
"Please." She whimpered. "P-P-Please, just touch me" she stuttered quietly.
I kissed her lips, taking her bottom lip in my mouth and sucking on it gently. She pressed her body tightly up against mine and I could feel every curve and dip of her magnificent form. I was in fucking heaven.
I pulled my mouth away from hers and watched as I let my hands wander over her hips and ass, squeezing a little and she moaned. She liked to be squeezed. I moved my hands over the soft material of her bra and barely brushed my fingers over her nipple. She gasped as I brought my whole hand over her breast and squeezed gently. Her hips gyrated against my cock and I took a deep breath to focus on Bella.
Ignore cock, focus on Bella. It wasn't a difficult command, I desperately wanted to remember her body, I wanted to remember every reaction she had to every kind of touch. I wanted to tease her, pleasure her, I wanted to see her cum again. I remembered that last night we made love, and it made my cock even harder than it already was. She just looked so beautiful with her body tensing around my cock and the sounds she made….
I reached behind her and flicked the clasp of her bra and pulled it down her arms. The creamy white triangles tan lines over her breasts were like highlighted areas that my eyes couldn't tear away from. My eyes were devouring her, her nipples were the palest of pink, and they were erect. Perfection. I kept my eyes on the beautiful woman on my bed as I kissed down her neck and found her cleavage. Without hesitation I then gently took a nipple into my mouth, squeezing it while I continued my ministrations. She bucked into me and I bit down gently on her nipple.
"Oh god. Edward." She cried.
I couldn't even form a coherent fucking thought. Hearing Bella mouth those words….in that context drove me into another dimension. One where my sole purpose was to please and pleasure this woman.
Her tongue was caressing mine and my hands moved down her shoulders and arms and then to her waist. She wrapped her leg around my hip. I gasped and stiffened, and then groaned into her mouth. I'm sure she could feel me, I was ridiculously hard already against her. I could feel her wetness through her panties. My hand trailed shakily over her ass and I ground my cock into her. She squeezed my ass and moaned while she kissed me deeply. She cried out in pleasure as I did it again. After the second time I pushed into her, she started pushing back, pulling my ass into her. The friction was amazing, but I needed more. She pulled away from my mouth and kissed my forehead, then pushed her hips into my cock again.
"Oh FUCK." I muttered. My forehead rested on hers and I felt like I was on fire. I wanted her, I needed her.
"Bella. I need you to touch me." I said huskily in her ear, while my tongue flicked out and licked her earlobe.
She smiled and hummed, her hands traced down my chest. She quickly undid the button of my jeans and slid everything down my legs in one quick movement. She licked all over my neck and torso – paying special attention to my nipples and the v shaped dip right leading to my cock, but always avoiding my conspicuous erection.
I was panting, on the verge of hyperventilation.
"BELLA!" I growled in pleasure. " Please" I begged.
She got up on her hands and knees and adjusted her body so her head was inches away from my cock.
I reveled in the image of Bella on all fours, nearly naked, licking her lips in anticipation.
Finally, she licked the tip of my cock and I violently shuddered at the warm wetness of her tongue.
"I love seeing what I do to you, Edward. I missed it so much." She whispered seductively. This woman would be the death of me.
"Holy fuck. So. Good." I choked out as she wrapped her hand around and gave a slow stroke from base to tip.
She continued stoking and touching, and I reached over to her thighs and dipped my fingers into her panties, my fingers grazing over her slick pussy. My fingers glided easily through the folds and she moaned.
"Bella, you're so fucking wet for me baby." I rubbed my middle finger over her swollen clit and marveled at her reactions. I wanted to start off slow, my Bella was never a fan of slow. She pushed down on me to rub her faster – harder. I obliged. All of a sudden her hand stopped stoking and she sucked my dick hard, the head reaching the back of her throat.
My other hand, which was clenched in a fist at my side, lifted of its own volition and my fingers threaded into her hair, pulling just a little. She moaned again.
Fuck. If she kept this up I'd be coming inside of her soon. Way too soon. I needed to feel her around me, consuming me with every bounce and roll of her hips. She sensed my tension and slowly let my cock go from her mouth with a slurping sound.
No words were required at this point. We were saying everything we needed to say with touches and caresses. She positioned herself over me and sunk down slowly, letting me feel every inch of her body. To say that she felt amazing would be fucking blasphemy.
The feeling was incomprehensible, there is simply nothing to compare it with. Once I was fully in, she stilled her movements, letting me adjust to her and this unrivaled pleasure we both undoubtedly shared.
I looked up and found two brown eyes staring at me. I smiled at the fact that she was waiting for ME to be ready. The idea nearly made me laugh, but I simply nodded my head in acquiescence.
And so her assault on my cock began. She started off slow and deep but then became erratic in her movements. I put my hands on her hips and guided her up and down, increasing the depth of with every shift. Before I knew it, I was pounding her pussy fervently, lifting her up and down by her ass. Her hands were everywhere. Scratching my back, pulling my hair, bringing my lips to hers in a ferocious kiss.
My body was wound so tight, I was holding off the impending orgasm like my life depended on it.
"Edwaaaaaard" she moaned, her body starting to get close to her climax.
Oh please let her cum first, please god, please, please, please let me last long enough for her to cum.
"Fuck" I groaned. "Bella…What do you need?" I asked all the while rubbing her clit and pushing myself further into her mercilessly.
"Oh…..Oh……Don't stop…..please…..I'm…..fuck…...ung.. FUCK. Yesyesyesyesyyes" she moaned, her stare never leaving mine.
"Cum for me Bella, I need it. Cum for me baby…" I pleaded.
She shut her eyes and I could feel her pussy clenching around my cock as she threw her head back, "OH, GOD, YOU…YOU'RE MAKING MY PUSSY CUM, EDWARD!"
Annnnd, my self control is done.
"Bella…baby…FUCK." I growled bringing her down on my cock one last time and spilling into her. I was almost frightened by the intensity of my orgasm. If I was a particularly religious man, I would have sworn I'd seen god.
We both laid there exhausted but holding each other and unwilling to let go. Even after our breaths had returned to normal, and we were shivering , we didn't dare move. I pulled the blanket over us and eventually started to fall asleep.
"Bella?" I said groggily right before I dozed off.
"Yeah?" She asked.
"Do…do you want…to stay married to me?" I asked, holding on to her tighter, knowing that I was not prepared at all if she said no.
She laughed. "I can't believe you have to ask…yes, baby. As long as you want me, I'll never belong to anyone else."
I fell asleep in seconds, ready to face whatever the world had to offer me, as long as I had Bella by my side.
"You don't have to do this ya know..." I said, my teeth clenched. The buzzing sound in the background was making Bella apprehensive, and I'm pretty sure there was some blood involved.
She shook her head yes furiously. "Yes, I do. I do need to do this. I want to." She said, but her face proved otherwise. She looked pale. Well, paler than usual, but the color on her cheeks matched the bright pink top she was wearing.
Far from gray. It took a while to get rid of the gray. The gray couch, they gray rug, the gray clothes…shit…the gray mood, the gray personality. It didn't turn into rainbows overnight.
It still wasn't fucking rainbows. I still didn't think I was 100% good enough for her. She still felt guilty for putting me in prison, and felt even worse for not trusting me.
We had to work at us every day. As I struggled to find a job and return to society, Bella struggled to find her inspiration to begin painting again. But we got there. She paints everything now. She even paints me, and I even get to see some of the masterpieces. And I love all of them. I've come to learn that I'm a goddamn pretty motherfucker with killer hair.
It's still a struggle. We fight about who pays which bills. We fight about who's going to wash the dishes, we fight about what year Nancy Kerrigan got her knee whacked at the winter Olympics (It occurred at the '94 Olympics, not '98, like Bella argued), but when it comes down to it, I love her so much I can't even see straight. I respect her and though I don't think I deserve it, she respects me. But most importantly; We have trust. I knew she trusted me now. I'm not sure how I knew it was different. I'm not sure how I knew she didn't trust me before. But I knew now. She really, really did. And it was why we were at the place we were at now.
The buzzing finally stopped and the sharp throbbing pain on my chest changed into a duller pain. Bella's face went even paler as she realized it was her turn.
"Gracie, you don't have to this baby. It's fine." I said reassuring her as I got out of the chair and pulled my shirt over the bandaged area.
"NO! If you're gonna get the first half of it, I'm getting the second half." She said indignantly.
She plopped down in the chair and unbuttoned her shirt to show more than enough cleavage than I was comfortable another man seeing, even if it was Emmett.
"Damn, Bella, who knew you were so stacked!" Emmett smirked, teasing her.
I smacked him on the back of the head. "Be professional, douchebag. That's my wife you're talking about."
Bella smiled, her cheeks going from white to pure crimson. But she simply laid her head back and tried to focus on her breathing. I sat in the stool beside her and held her hand, bringing it up to my mouth to kiss her fingers.
Em positioned the second half of the quote onto her body and I rubbed her thumb supportingly.
"So, 4 years ago, did you ever think you'd be sitting in a tattoo parlor with your ex-con husband getting ink done by his fellow ex- con buddy?" I smirked.
I got a real smile out of her then. "Yeah, something like that."
She didn't even flinch the whole time the ink was getting done, just taking deep breaths like Em taught us.
When it was done, Em gave her a mirror to really get a good look at it. The tears welled in her eyes, and I thought they were tears of regret at first, but then she fingered the words with such reverence, I just smiled knowingly. It was exactly how I felt. Em left the room, sensing a mushy moment was in the works He was right.
"Now you know I mean it." She said, eyes alight.
I couldn't contain my happiness. "I was just about to say the same thing." I lifted my shirt over my head and peeled off the bandage, letting us observe the words that we both once doubted.
My chest read, "Love brings us together…"
And her ribs read, "…but trust binds us forever."
"I love you, Gracie." I said as I kissed her.
She smiled. "And I trust you."