Odysseus awoke to the sun high in the sky. Groggily, he glanced around his bedroom—the bedroom he'd left for so many years.
Suddenly, his nursemaid Eurycleia burst into the room. She was out of breath, but she managed to choke out, "Odysseus! Your son—Telemachus has collapsed!"
Alarmed, Odysseus pushed past Eurycleia with speed only he could muster. "Telemachus!" he cried, seeing his son lying lifeless in Penelope's arms. "What happened?"
Penelope looked up with eyes filled with tears. "A snake! A strange snake bit him!"
Odysseus knelt next to Penelope and his unconscious son, finding his son wasn't so unconscious. Telemachus' eyes were open, if empty. Unable to bear the sight, Odysseus went to find solitude.
When he at last found it, Athena appeared to him in all her glory. "To help your son, you must seek out Mekos the Wise. He will be able to help you in your quest."
"How will I know him when I find him?" Odysseus asked.
Athena chuckled. "You will know. Now go!" She placed a compass in his hand. "This compass shall point the way. Follow its needle, no matter where it points!" With that, she vanished.
Odysseus sprung to do as the Goddess Athena had commanded. He gathered a crew of thirty men and was about to set sail, when Penelope grabbed his arm.
"I am coming with you," she stated flatly.
"You cannot!" Odysseus replied quickly. "It will be too dangerous for a woman. Stay and watch over Telemachus." He ran to the ship before his wife could say another word.
Frowning, Penelope glanced around for one of the slower-looking men. She noticed one that was drunk—perfect. Not feeling the slightest bit guilty, she hit him in the back of the head with a pot and borrowed his clothes.
Disguised as a man, Penelope easily slipped onto the ship unnoticed.
"How long's the journey?" called one of the crew once the ship had set sail.
"I don't know," was the absent-minded response Odysseus gave. He hoped he would return to his sweet Penelope sooner this time. After all, he had appeased Poseiden in the fashion that the blind prophet Teiresias had prescribed. Sadly, with the sea air playing with his hair, Odysseus retrieved the gift from Athena.
The compass didn't point north. Instead, it pointed to the west, where large clouds were burying the sunset with inky blackness. This was going to be a LONG trip...
Penelope looked upon her husband and sighed. He probably thought the mountains in the distance were clouds of doom and destruction. She tapped Odysseus on the shoulder. "Sir," she said, in a man's voice she'd been practicing in the time he'd been gone. It still sounded slightly feminine, but it was manly enough for no one to notice, "will we be heading toward the mountains?"
Odysseus blinked, and glanced back to what he thought were clouds. All the years he'd spent toiling at sea must have tricked him. How could he have thought the mountains a cloud of bad omen? "Yes, to the mountains."
The crew sprang to life and unfurled the sails. The wind would carry them to a safe journey's end, or so Odysseus hoped. He had lost many men already.
The voyage took many days and nights, but at last they reached a strange island without incident. The island floated on the waves and had only a few palms upon its plains. Not a hill rose from its mossy face; not a house blemished its perfect smoothness.
"Captain," Penelope said. She still spoke with her false voice, but it had softened. The crew was so busy with preparations, they hadn't noticed her tone change, "this island is deserted. How are we to find Mekos on this land the Gods have even forsaken?"
"Watch who you call forsaken land!" growled a voice in a thick accent nobody had heard before. The crew readied their weapons. Odysseus had warned them of the sea monsters lurking beneath the waves.
Nothing came.
"Who is there?" called Odysseus.
"Depends. Who wants to know?" Penelope recognized the way the voice spoke. It was toying with them! If the speaker didn't like the answer to its question, it would just ignore them.
Penelope jumped in front of Odysseus, startling him. "We are but travelers! We simply are searching for the grand wisdom of Mekos the Wise! We have sailed from Ithaca to hear his vast knowledge."
The voice chuckled. "Ah, such wonderful flattery. Very well, I am Mekos the Wise." A large neck attached to the island lifted a giant scaly head. The giant turtle turned to look at the surprised crew.
The crew's response was just to stare. "Am I really that awe-inspiring?" the turtle inquired, his accent different now. "Am I so wonderful that you cannot speak? Am I so great that you cower in your..." he eyed them suspiciously "...sandals...?" He leaned his head closer to the more frightened people on the ship so that they felt his warm, salty breath. "Boo," he muttered sarcastically, making the crew scream.
"I liked the French better. They at least attempted to taunt me back," he muttered. "And they had boots to shake in!"
Odysseus took a deep breath and tried to keep his voice steady. "We have come to ask you to help my son, Telemachus. He was bitten by a snake and—"
"Snake? What kind of snake?" Mekos quizzed. "What color? What effect did the poison have? If it was an everyday poisonous snake, he'd be dead by now."
"It was a gold and silver snake," said Penelope, much to Odysseus' surprise. She had shed her mimicked voice completely. "It made his eyes empty and him unable to speak."
Mekos thought for a moment. "Ah! Salzabar! That tricky little demon! His venom doesn't hurt a person. No, it seals their eyes, ears, and minds. Look forward to a blind, deaf, and dumb son!" He snapped at the coconut hanging on the palm behind him. "Now, if you don't mind, it's lunch time."
Penelope glared, and much to Odysseus' despair, clambered onto the railing of the ship. "You stupid turtle! How could Athena tell us to search you out? You're nothing but a—a slow tortoise!"
Mekos' head bobbed up, and he swallowed three coconuts whole. His accent changed again. "My, what a tongue for a woman. Of course, Athena sending you is a fish of a color! How may I be of assistance?"
"You can start by helping our son, and then dying painfully," Penelope murmured crossly.
Mekos rolled his eyes. "Look, do you want my help or not? I don't mind women who speak their mind as long as they aren't insulting me!"
While Odysseus and Penelope argued with Mekos, the crew was whispering to each other. How did a woman get on their ship? That was bad luck! That was going against Poseidon! That was—
"Enough whispering back there!" Mekos called. "Climb onto my back. The place we're headed is too dangerous for a toy boat and a halfwit crew. Now, as for payment... I want..." he thought for a moment. "WINE!!!!! AND LOTS OF IT!!!!"
Odysseus and Penelope blinked, confused. "Wine? You want wine? You could have sheep, cattle, or anything else, and you want wine?"
"Yus!" he replied, sounding drunk just off the thought. "Red wine, white wine, bumbleberry wine, wine wine wine!" He was singing like a drunkard. "I love wine. Yus I do! WINE WINE WINE!!!! And cheese! But mostly wine!"
The crew was just as confused as Odysseus as they loaded the turtle's shell with crates of wine and cheese. Once everything was in order, the turtle took off at amazing speeds toward a sheer rock cliff.
"Now, we're going to the caves of the Crim. It is a beast so fowl, so cruel, so boring, that it will keep you there forever if you touch ANY of its treasure. What you need is a cup of HER precious wine. That will cure your son, Telephone.
"The problem," Mekos continued, "is the fact she had devilish eyesight. That's why I stole her glasses." He sniggered darkly. "She's blind as a bat. Now, the current dilemma is that there are spells all over her hoard. If you ever want to get out of there without losing anything, I suggest to keep your hands off the loot. Besides, it's my job to steal her stuff."
Odysseus' men only heard the word "treasure," and were plotting ways to steal it all.
Quite suddenly, large rocks approached at breakneck speed. The turtle maneuvered into the small gulf without any trouble, showing his seafaring worth was much greater than any ship Odysseus had ever seen. "Remember my warnings," he reminded the group as they headed for the gaping mouth of cave.
The inside was dark and damp, much like each of Scylla's six mouths, Odysseus recalled with a shiver. After wandering for what felt for hours, they reached a cavern. Stalagmite covered the ground; many of the stones were carved to resemble chairs and tables and were buried with sparkling gems. Snow carpeted the floor. While Odysseus and Penelope went to search for the wine, the crew set to work pocketing all the valuables in sight.
"Why did you follow me?" Odysseus asked Penelope as they opened different boxes.
"I didn't want to be left behind again," replied Penelope simply. "I found it." She lifted a bottle of a shimmering liquid. "Let's leave before—"
"Before what, Deary?" inquired a dark voice. Husband and wife spun around to see a woman covered in brown feathers squinting at them. She had wings instead of arms with claws at the end of the feathery appendages. He legs also ended in huge talons. "Who are you?"
Odysseus side glanced at Penelope and mouthed, "Run for it?"
"Let's" replied Penelope similarly.
With that, they dashed away. "GET BACK HERE!!!!!" screeched the Crim.
Once they were a safe distance away, Penelope went to work. She rolled three giant balls of snow, each a different size, and stacked them, the largest on the bottom. She poked buttons in for eyes and placed Odysseus' furs around it.
The Crim instantly crashed into the snowman and started tearing the furs apart. Penelope grinned, satisfied, and grabbed her husbands arm. Before he said a word, she placed a finger before her lips, signaling silence.
That's when Odysseus understood. The Crim thought she was ripping Odysseus apart, not a snowman.
They couple reached the entrance, where they found the crew frozen in blocks of ice. "You really have to find a better crew when you head out to sea," commented Penelope.
"I should," said Odysseus as they left the cave. It was the crew's fault. Mekos had worried them.
Mekos eyed the two as they scrambled onto his back. "Why am I not surprised that you both were the only ones to return?"
Odysseus attempted to explain as the turtle cast off. "The rest of the crew—"
"It was a rhetorical question, you realize." The turtle sighed. "Well, you can't man that itty-bitty boat of yours with only two people. I'll give you a ride back you your home in Ithaca."
Odysseus and Penelope both thanked him. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. This is just in return for all the wine you gave me. That'll last me a month if I drink it sparingly. That's pretty good, if you've ever seen my version of drinking sparingly." Mekos continued to babble, but it was to deaf ears. Odysseus and Penelope had fallen asleep under a palm that blocked the full moon from sight. They were going to save their son and live happily together at last.
No, I don't know what went through my head when I wrote half of this. This was for an English project where we had to write a sequal to the Odyssey. I felt humor was greatly needed I guess.