Disclaimer: I don't own Cardcaptors.. I also don't own this fic. This is owned by my friend Kristine.
--
We Always Want What We Can't Have…
--
We always want what we can't have…We always get what we like least but at the end of the road it proved to be worth taking it after all. Life sure is unpredictable. So many things to see, hear, feel and experience. It's funny how we just get fed up over small things then give up when we still haven't moved an inch of our guts to work on our dilemmas.
I used to say I am strong and that I should use this strength to help someone who suffers worst than me but, in one way or another it's been me who needs to be saved; it was me who needs to be saved. Saved from my selfishness, stupidity and naivety. I used to think that I've been a fool all along to stay at one point of my life grieving for someone who can't come back from the dead, someone who lays a path of standstill time and faded memories…someone whose smile will stay frozen in a picture that has been scorched by the flames of cremation. Why is it that the things that we want are the things we can't get?
Why do some people love strangers, act like fools and fall for—for someone who can't be there for them? Why do they choose to suffer and wait in vain for that persona to come and save them, or tell them that what's between them has long been gone? It's funny what love can do to one's heart and sense of judgment…but this is the state where I am right now…and for some reason I just can't accept the fact that I have just lost him. All these times and again, I kept on telling myself that I should move on and get back into being that high school girl who aspires to be a wife someday. ..But it's truly hard to pretend or cover things up, plaster a smile on tear filled face…cover your eyes with fake emotions and deny the love I still have for him… no matter how wrong everything seemed to be. Even if I couldn't see him, couldn't feel him, couldn't hear his voice…'tis funny how I fell for him this way. It's like falling in love with a shadow. With the wind. With a ghost. And for some reason I can't think of any real argument to myself why I chose to set him free like this…when all I really want was for him to stay beside me in the state we are now in. then again… I know…that all he really desired for was my happiness even if it meant bringing pain to him. Shouldn't I hate him? Shouldn't I be happy he's free now? I don't know what to feel right now…I'm so confused…
WE always want the things we can never have…WE always get the things we want the least both facts brings pain to me…much more painful than cutting my wrists with a blade. I hate to make him suffer like this… now I still get to end things with him without seeing him, seeing the face of that guy I loved the most…I always say that I should try to help him, to save him…but it was me whose pathetic after all. It was me who needed to be saved…saved from being dead, for being a coward, for being a total loser… I always want the things that I can never get…but—I hope that this will prepare a new path from me…to finally go out to the world and be … me. IT hurts but from this time onward, I will look into the words he gave to me to hold on to… as a memory of the strongest and strangest love I've felt despite the miles apart from us.
I want you to know this. I love you and my feelings for you will never change even if my world will turn around. I'll try to be the same...I won't change for the worst. I'll always be the Shin you know.
Then again, maybe 'tis the best thing to do at our state…maybe this was really…really the best thing to do…it so then maybe, I'll just cry a river for the while, then build a bridge and get over all of these…even if deep within I know and I feel that I really shouldn't give him up.
--
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well how was it? is Kristine good? Make her happy.. send me ALL THE REVIEWS you got! Arigatou Gozaimasu! Wait for the next chappie…