Disclaimer:

Do not own the multitudes of Bleach sexiness. Do own my multitudes of Bleach plot bunnies.

A/N:

Well, this came to me when I was bathing. I was viciously attacked by some kind of horrible-mutant-spider-thing, and I totally flipped and bashed my head into the wall on accident. It was so... bad.

Warning:

Language and nakedness.

My Thanks:

Hmm. I guess to the horrible-mutant-spider-thing (may it rest in peace). Thank you icky gooey thing!

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A harsh gasp. A sputter of broken words. A splash of water.

Five seconds later Renji was holding tight to the only source of comfort his suddenly primal instincts could lead him: his taichou. And Byakuya didn't much appreciate a screaming redhead attaching himself to his torso.

Kira, eyes wide in fright, looked around fretfully for the source of the man's obvious (and vocal) discomfort. "R-Renji-kun, what happened?"

"D-d-g-gah! Th-tha-tha-"

Byakuya face visibly twitched in irritation. "Fukutaichou, I will give you until the count of five to remove yourself from my body. 1..."

"S-pi-sp-spi-"

Ichigo felt the corners of his mouth turn up. He tried hard to suppress it, but the more he watched, the more he understood what the problem was. And the funnier it became.

"2..."

"Renji-kun, what in the world is the problem?" Kira continued, eyebrows furrowing in worry as he skewered the bathwater with his eyes. Byakuya was growing fitful now as Renji wrapped a very wet, very naked leg around his waist to better lift himself out of the offending bath. Ichigo's control was slipping.

"D-daahh... 'Dat thing is... is in the... That thing is in the water... with ... us!" Renji stammered, flesh pricked with goosebumps, finger pointing menacingly at his remaining submerged foot. Kira swooped in to tentatively investigate, arms held close to his chest in fear of an attack.

"3..."

"I-I'll get it, Renji-kun! Just tell me where it is!" Kira's voice cracked in his strain to sound brave. A mortified Renji climbed just a little higher up the tree that was a seething Byakuya. Ichigo's lips twitched a little more, resulting in his teeth pushing just a bit harder into his lower lip to maintain what composure he could muster.

Kira was suddenly grabbing at a cup on the far counter, sloshing water out of the bath in his hurry. Byakuya's mouth opened in a suppressed groan at the sight of water flooding the floor. With a few shaky swipes of the cup and a very wet sprint across the room, Kira had the offending creature caught and flicked clumsily into the faraway toilet. Resulting in another wave of water crashing to the marble tile. "4" and "5" failed to pass Byakuya's lips as he suddenly flung his hysterical fukutaichou into the scorching water below. Ichigo was vaguely heard laughing neurotically in the corner of the tub.

By now Kira was eagerly slipping his way back to the side of the tub, empty cup upturned in triumph to display his success. "See? See? It's all gone now! I flushed it down the toilet twice for good measure!"

A very pink Renji was now in tears as he scrambled out of the tub, taking gallons of hot water with him. Byakuya cried out in anger as he watched his fukutaichou make a mess of his bathing room. "Fukutaichou!!"

Ichigo was clutching the edge of the tub as he weathered uncontrollable attacks of humor.

"Would you like to lose your limbs!?" An enraged sixth division captain exclaimed as he watched his fukutaichou slide into the cabinet doors, falling unceremoniously onto his bum with an audible crack. More ecstatic cries of joy left the substitute shinigami's mouth. Kira hurried over to his friend as if to help him up, only resulting in Renji dragging him down with him in fear.

"I promise it's all gone! I promise I flushed it down!"
"It c-cou-cou-" he couldn't get passed that one word, "climb oooouut!"

"But I flushed it!" Kira protested, equally in hysterics. Byakuya took a careful step out of the tub, not noticing the slick patch of water from Renji's antics. Seconds later three pairs of arms were fighting desperately to disentangle themselves as Ichigo snorted in glee. Seconds after that Renji was pinned forcefully under the full weight of his (absolutely furious) superior officer.

"Settle down before I give you something to really fear!" Byakuya shouted in his face as Renji scored slick, angry red lines down his arms with his nails in horror.

...

Ten exhausting minutes later a whimpering Renji was hanging over the side of the tub while being forced to remain in the half-empty bath of water. Kira had settled close beside his panting friend, sending soothing comments his way every chance he got. Ichigo was fiddling with the torn end of a rag, biting back his returning laughter.

All was calm until Renji's screech of despair as he fought desperately against the water to reach the other end of the tub, where Byakuya was looking up in surprise.

"Somethings on my neck!!" He screamed, his voice shrieking back at them from the walls. His nails tore at his skin in an attempt to remove his 'assassin'. Byakuya grabbed his fukutaichou's arm to still him. Ichigo was cackling maniacally in Renji's spot as he held the rag to his face in excitement.

"Abarai, there's nothing on you! Kurosaki did that to tease you!" Byakuya exclaimed, fighting off the clinging arms of his subordinate. Ichigo snorted in laughter.

"Kurosaki-san, how could you? He was calm!" Kira protested over Renji's wails. Ichigo fell back into the water in laughter.

"Ooh, God, they're on me!!" Renji shouted.

"There's nothing there! Quiet yourself and be still so we can bathe in peace!"

...

There was finally another short silence as Byakuya leaned back against the side of the tub. Renji hesitantly reached for the rag that was his when it floated towards him.

"Oi, Renji, I wouldn't touch that rag if I were you. Could be more of 'em nestin' in there..."

"Kurosaki!" Byakuya shouted. Kira groaned as Renji's eyes bulged.

The next few sentences spoken were indistinguishable due to Ichigo's raucous laughter and Renji's screaming.

"Nii-san? Why is everyone screaming?" A soft voice ended it all. Silence fell heavy into the room until Ichigo's laughter suddenly doubled. Renji jumped from the tub and lunged at Rukia, causing her to back away in fear of the naked man about to attack her. "R-Renji, cover yourself, for God's sake!"

Byakuya stood and covered himself with his hands, glaring at his fukutaichou's actions toward his sister. "Throw us our towels, Rukia!"

Ichigo howled with laughter. "Don't worry about Renji's, it's probably filled with spider eggs!"

Renji ran, completely bare and soaking wet, from the room as Rukia tried to push his towel into his arms.

Kira was embarrassed and exhausted beyond belief. "I never should have accepted Kuchiki-taichou's invitation..."

"Never again, Kurosaki, will you be invited to my home!" Byakuya exclaimed, throwing the towel around his waist and sliding out of the tub to stop his fukutaichou from deluging the rest of corridor with his wetness. Kira slipped on the floor as he tried to follow, flailing to re-attach his towel as though drunk. Ichigo was nearly purple as he gasped for breath between obnoxious laughter.

"Spider eggs?" Rukia demanded, watching Kira flee from the room as if being shot at.

Ichigo could only laugh.

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A/N:

Hmm. How bad was it? I typed it up in just a couple of hours. I was hoping that I got most of the errors out, but I'm in a major hurry because I took on more authors than I can possibly beta, so I don't have a lot of tiiiime... like that's an excuse.

If anyone finds anything that needs to be fixed, please just let me know and I'll get right on it! Thanks heaps and bunches, guys! does a happy little jig.

Review and I may just do a request for you!