It's unhealthy, this obsession I have. It puts me and everything I love, everything I've worked and sacrificed for at risk. But I can't help being obsessed, anymore than he can help being who he is. How can you blame though, after meeting him you are never the same. Was I supposed to ignore him, the chaotic persona that he is, pretend not to notice? You can't help but notice him, from the first flash of blonde hair to the volume of his voice as he rants and raves. Sometimes, usually late at night when alcohol has failed to work its magic, I think that he was sent down here for the mere purpose of tormenting me. Taunting me, enticing me, a constant tangible reminder of what I can't have. That's what I have to tell myself, that I can't have him, that he's unattainable. For if I let myself think, even for a moment, that it is possible, that I could have him then I will throw everything away in pursuit of this elusive dream.
So instead I watch his every movement, I know everything he is doing at all times. I have the perfect excuse for this level of surveillance being that I am his superior, not to mention that his erratic behavior makes supervision necessary. I know it's sick and wrong and so many other lovely words that used to describe the lowest of the low.
But I really don't give a shit; I'm a condemned man as it is. What's one more sin to the list?
It's not like I'll ever act on my desires, and even if I tried he would never notice. People say that I have tunnel vision, that everything is about my goal to become Furer. The ones who say that have obviously never met him. He wouldn't notice my advanced (not that there have been any, mind you) if I were sitting naked on his bed with a "come fuck me" sign. He's not dense; he's merely more obsessed than I could ever be.
So I lust for him at a distance, and make sure to scare the shit out of anyone who might have similar feelings for him and decide to act on them. Not that I want him to be sexually deprived or anything like that. Nor do I hold any illusions that he will never take a lover (male or female). I just know that he's not the kind looking for a one-night stand, and that whoever he chooses must be someone willing to play second fiddle to his quest. And they must understand him. I can only count about five people that I know of that fit into that category. Two of them are married, so somehow that doesn't quite work. The other is his brother and they love each other deeply, but it is not incest. Then there is that girl Winry but I see her and Al getting married or something at some point.
And that leaves me.
So I watch and protect and do nothing, because that's all I can do for him right now.