Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters; that would be JK Rowling. However, I do own the really gay jokes and such…

This story is rated pg-13, for sexual content and some language. (Don't worry, there's no sex scenes, I leave all of that to beanark)... (jk)

Sex Ed.

The one and only chapter: Do You Really Want a Title for This?

"Harry, there's something I think you should know", Ron says anxiously in the empty common room after a Quidditch match that Harry had just won. Again.

"What is it?", Harry asks only half paying attention. The other half of his mentality was on the huge celebration cake in front of him.

"Well… I don't quite know how to say this. So I'll just say it." Harry notes the seriousness in Ron's voice and stops his disgusting intake of cake, wiping the frosting off of his mouth with one of Hermione's elf hats. Ron takes a deep breath and continues hurriedly;

"I've-been-doing-it-with-Hermione-since-the-end-of-third-year."

Harry blinks and continues to stare at Ron as if he hasn't said anything yet.

"Harry, did you hear me?"

"Yes, Ron," Harry replied shortly, "but what is this doing it?"

"Are you kidding me, Harry? You don't know what it is?"

Harry shakes his head, looking slightly frightened at Ron's outburst. "It, Harry! Getting it on, happy time, making some memories, getting busy, letting the snake out of the cage, bang-bang, humping like gorillas, letting Captain Joe out for a sail, fucking, Harry, FUCKING!" Harry shrinks down in his seat a bit.

"God fucking damn it, Harry, I know you live a sheltered life with those muggles, but you really don't know anything!"

... start Harry's flashback ...

"Aunt Petunia, where does poopie come from?"

"DON'T ASK QUESTIONS!"

... end flashback ...

"But… I thought Fucking was a brand of gelatin…"

"No Harry. It isn't." As an afterthought, Ron adds, "Although, there isn't really anything wrong with fucking Jell-O. As long as you don't shout it off of roof tops like Seamus does. God that guy really does have some issues; the other day I walked into our dorm and he was – Harry, why in bloody hell are you crying?"

"It's j-just… my whole life is a lie!" Harry utters in-between sobs. "I just found out that you've been doing Hermione for almost four years now, even thought I'm not completely sure I know what this doing is, and now you tell me that Fucking isn't a brand of gelatin! What next Ron? Are you going to tell me that Snape is my biological father now?!"

"Actually, I'm surprised no one told you, but -"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!" Harry screams, jumping up from his chair, his face now turning red with fury while breathing quite heavily.

"My god Harry, don't have a pissy fit," Ron replies, obviously highly amused. Harry's face turns red from embarrassment, not anger as he plops back into his chair. Ron leans back in his own seat and rubs his eyes. Giving the sex talk isn't exactly easy. Harry looks around the common room and realizes for the first time that it is completely empty except for them. And his cake. His yummy, yummy cake… with lots of chocolate frosting…

"Where is everyone?" Harry asks Ron.

"Hm? Oh. McGonagall arranged for a trip to Hogsmead for Gryffindors only. Since we just won the Quidditch cup and all. Also, I paid the Fat Lady five sickles not to let anyone in. Thought it would be funny." Ron cuts himself a slice of Harry's cake and takes a bite.

"You have five sickles?"

"Not anymore."

"Right. Why don't we go to Hogsmead?" Ron considers this for a moment and agrees, "Great Idea. I need to buy some more Jell-O. And I can tell you about the birds and the bees on the way there."

"Jolly good! Let us be off," Harry declares, getting his jumper. Ron puts his empty plate down and follows Harry out the portrait hole.

As the pair exit Hogwarts, they witness a group of Slytherins chucking stones at Seamus, who is standing on the balcony of the Astronomy tower shouting; "I masturbate with Jell-O, and I am proud!"

"Stupid fag," Ron mutters under his breath as they pass the Slytherin gang.

end

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