It was all in the cards. Everything I've been through over the last two years was anticipated after that fateful New Year's day in 1977. I was no more prepared then than I am now, nor will I ever be for that matter. When those ten cards were placed before me, there was no way to tell whether my future was being told with vivid accuracy, or if it was simply an old woman's idea of a badly timed joke.
It was with trepidation then that I walked into the foggy little room in the non-descript building, in an area of town I wasn't very familiar with.
I sat down in a flowery chair, amidst incense, candles, ancient books, and several hundred decks of cards. The old woman gestured toward me to pick out a deck, and having never been a believer in Divination, I didn't much care what cards she used. I picked out the one nearest me; a collection of brightly beautiful cards rich in Greek mythology. The old woman smiled at me, taking the deck and shuffling it.
"What is your question?"
The suddenness of her voice startled me and effectively rid my mind of any coherent thought. The first thing that came to mind was the war and my uncertain future in the wizarding world. I doubted anyone would ever be able to tell me what truly lay ahead, so I asked the first thing that came to mind.
"With so many obstacles surrounding me, how am I to expect any sort of happy future?"
When she was ready, she turned the first card over and began to read my life as if it were written in a book. In retrospect, I probably should have paid heed to her warnings. But with so many things going on in those years, it wasn't in my nature to take a stranger's advice and run with it. I look back at those cards now and think to myself, "How differently would my life have turned out if those cards hadn't been read to me?"
She smiled at me then, showing off her silver tooth, and bad dental hygiene. She didn't say a word as she set the ten cards in front of me. When she finally turned the first one over, I knew she was unraveling my life as it would it would really unfold.
Strength: Quality of Person
"You're stronger than you think you are, Lily."
It was a simple statement, but one that cut straight through me. What did James Potter know about me anyway?
"Just leave me alone, Potter," I seethed. I wasn't in the mood to be a part of his little mind games. I had more pressing matters to worry about, most of which were suffocating me.
"I'm not trying to provoke you, I just know that you've been under a lot of stress lately but I know you'll pull through. You're solid, you're patient. You're one of the strongest people I know."
And there it was. The validation I'd been looking for my entire life, but never received from anyone; not my parents, not my professors, not even my friends. And here was James Potter, the boy I'd brushed aside for so many years telling me I was one of the strongest people he knew. I smiled at him then and the open smile he returned completely disarmed me.
Death: Major Obstacle
"Lily, isn't that your owl?"
Remus opened the window in the common room and my tawny owl, Atalanta, landed swiftly on the table in front of me. I retrieved the small note from her leg and she promptly flew out the way she had come in. The note was from Professor McGonagall, requesting that I meet her in her office immediately.
Remus and I shared a look before I smiled at him and tried to keep my legs from shaking as I got up from the comfort of the arm chair in front of the fire.
I hurried up the steps towards the Deputy Headmistress' office, a million different things running through my mind. Professor McGonagall had called on me by owl before, but never with such a short note. It reminded me of the note Alice Newberry had received just a few months ago when she was told that her father had been murdered during a Death Eater attack right outside the Ministry. That note had been short too, and it made me uneasy.
The moment the office door came into view, I launched myself at it, earning a worried glance from the other students in the corridor.
"Come in," I heard Professor McGonagall say.
I rushed into the office, but I hesitated before I reached her desk and let out a nervous laugh. Professor McGonagall looked rather taken aback by this, but she didn't say anything.
"If you would please take a seat, Miss Evans," she said gently, her lips quivering a little bit. There was an awkward silence in the room before she took in a deep breath and looked into my eyes. "I have called you here this afternoon, Miss Evans, because I have some rather sensitive news to share with you."
The straight line in her lips turned into a frown, and I immediately knew what she was about to say. I dug my nails into my palms painfully as fear coursed through me.
"There is really no other way to say this, Lily, but I have just received word that your parents were caught in a house fire just a few miles from your own home, and everybody inside the residence was killed."
The silence was thick after her statement and it took a few seconds for her words to sink into my consciousness.
"I am very sorry, Lily. Professor Dumbledore went out to the scene as soon as he heard. There have been reported Death Eater activities in the area in the past month but we do not yet know if the fire came as a direct attack. As you know, they have been attacking Muggleborn families all over the country, particularly those families with students here at Hogwarts. Professor Dumbledore made an effort to contact your sister to see how she was doing but she refused to have anything to do with him. You will be excused from classes this coming Monday. The services for your parents have been set for that day."
I could hear her talking but I wasn't taking in anything that she said. The only thing I had an understanding of was that the last words I had said to my mother and father had effectively ended my relationship with them forever. I would never see my parents again. They died hating me because they didn't understand who I was becoming in the wizarding world.
There was motion in front of me, and it was a few minutes before I realized that Professor McGonagall had left her office after having shared her condolences with me. I was still sitting in the chair in front of her desk, my nails digging deeper into my palms. I heard movement behind me, and after a few moments, I realized Remus was standing by my side. He didn't move and I sensed he was afraid to scare me out of my stupor. As the weight of what I had just heard finally hit me, I loosened the tightness of my fists and slowly stood up. I tried to take a step forward but my legs gave out and I landed in a sobbing heap in Remus' arms. He held me tightly and massaged the back of my head as I let out a miserable moan that came from the depths of my heart. The last thing I remember before letting the darkness take me was Remus' worried face and the way he held me awkwardly, almost afraid to lose me.
Two of Cups: Longing
"James?" I asked in as steady as a tone as I could muster with my nerves. We had just ended our weekly Head Boy and Head Girl meeting, and were wrapping things up.
"Yeah?" he asked, still writing something down on his parchment.
"Who are you going to Hogsmeade with this weekend?" I asked, mortified at what had come out of my mouth instead of something more mature or insightful. After all, why would Lily Evans ever ask James Potter anything regarding Hogsmeade?
"Don't know yet, why do you ask?" he responded, finally turning around to look at me. He was surprised at first when he laid his eyes on me. He started at the top, taking in the way I had my hair up in a simple pony tail, his eyes then looking over my face, which was practically make-up free as opposed to how I usually looked, and continued his gaze down to the hem of my skirt. He visibly gulped when he looked down at how high it was riding as I sat down, and he hurried to bring his eyes back up to meet mine. I had finally gotten some reaction out of James Potter other than the cold shoulder I'd been getting for weeks since I last turned him down. He made a move to loosen his tie, and when I smiled at him, he quickly looked down and shook his head.
"I ask because you haven't so much as spoken to me outside of these Head meetings for weeks and I want to get to know you better now that we'll be working together," I explained, leaning forward so that my face was level with his.
"Get to know me? Why, there's nothing to tell that you don't already know," he responded, furrowing his brows and taking off his glasses to wipe them clean on his robe. I was distracted for a while by the way his eyes seemed to shine without the glare of his lenses, but was taken out of my reverie when he put them back on.
"Of course there's something to tell. Who is James Potter anyway? You have a life outside of Hogwarts, what are you really like? Are you as devious and mischievous as you are here, or are you a saint?" I asked, hoping to get to know what few people at Hogwarts knew about him.
"Why the sudden interest? You've never told me anything about your life outside of Hogwarts and you've certainly never cared about mine before," he countered, and I could hear a little bit of defensiveness behind his tone. So he didn't want to talk about his home life. Fine. There were other things I wanted to know.
"That's because everybody already knows everything there is to know about me," I started. "Everybody knows I'm Muggleborn, at the top of every one of my classes, Head Girl, shite at flying a broom, stuck-up, and have only a handful friends to speak of. What else do you want to know?" I challenged him whilst giving him a radiant smile.
He looked at me like he didn't know what to think, but then smiled right back. I hadn't seen that type of smile since the first night of our seventh year at Hogwarts when I caught him looking at me during the prefects meeting on the train. He began to laugh then, and I immediately knew it was a good laugh. James Potter was ready to open up to me.
"Fine, you wanna know something about me?" he asked and I nodded. "I'm a Gryffindor, seventeen years old, my best friend is Sirius Black, my two other closest friends are Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, I'm also at the top of all my classes, I'm Head Boy, marauder extraordinaire, second only to Sirius in Hogwarts detention history, and Gryffindor Quidditch captain," he finished with a smile.
My smile quickly evaporated, only to be replaced by a glare that would have been perfect if not for the fact that I was on the verge of laughing. He was being smart with me, and I was not going to let him best me.
"You only told me one thing I didn't already know about you. What are you playing at?" I asked.
He laughed, before standing up and replying, "Hey, you're the one who said you didn't know anything about me."
"I know the obvious, now come out with the not so obvious," I laughed and stood up next to him. He smiled down at me and motioned for me to walk out the door in front of him.
"Tell you what, I'll meet you at the Three Broomsticks this Saturday, and I'll tell you all you need to know about me," he said with a little quiver in his voice.
I smiled and my face grew hot. Technically, I had asked him first, but I couldn't help getting giddy at the prospect of going on a date with James Potter after turning him down so many times. As we neared the portrait of the Fat Lady, I stopped and held his gaze for a few seconds before finally responding.
"I'll see you at two then. Good night, James," I said, and gave the password to the portrait.
I think I floated all the way up the stairs that night, and it wasn't because I was finally going to get to know James Potter, but because I really wanted to get to know him. There was something about his eyes that mesmerized me, and made me want to make him tell me all his secrets so that I could have just a little part of him. I was excited over my date with James Potter, but it was nothing compared to how it made me feel to turn around and catch him watching me walk up the stairs again with the same smile I saw before. The only difference that time was that his eyes held mine for a brief moment before the enchantment was broken, and he bounded up the stairs to the boy's dormitories.
Nine of Swords: Depth of current situation
"But what if he breeches the castle walls? What if Dumbledore can't protect us from him?" I asked the four boys as we sat by the lake before our commencement ceremony.
"Lils, you know Dumbledore would never let that happen," Sirius responded lazily.
"Besides, what would Vol - Vold – what would He want with a bunch of graduating students?" Peter asked in a squeaky voice.
"He'd want to make sure none of us make it to the real world in one piece, that's what," I responded testily. "He would want to make sure we know he's a threat to us anywhere."
"Dumbledore's taken every precaution possible. I heard him speaking to the Minister via floo the other day. It's under control, Lils," Remus soothed.
"I know, but…" I started but was cut off.
"You're going to be fine. We're going to be fine," James interjected. "You're going to go up to that podium and put my speech to shame. Then you're going to shed tears. Happy tears at finally getting out of this place and then we're going to get hammered at the Leaky Cauldron."
Sirius burst out laughing and slapped James on the back. Peter let out a nervous chuckle, while Remus smiled into the distance. I looked over at James and held his gaze for a moment. He held out his hand for me to hold and when I obliged, he gave it a hard squeeze.
With that gesture, he was telling me how everything was going to be alright. He was letting me know that while my fears weren't unfounded, they could be put at ease for one night at least. He would make sure of it.
High Priestess: Inner dynamic with self
"Are you sure you and Potter are simply friends? Because you look a little too friendly to me," Alice probed over dinner.
I laughed loudly, a little too loudly because she was starting to tread too closely on one of my least favorite topics.
"I told you, we're just very close friends. All those kisses, they just mean we're very good friends," I answered.
"But you know he's been in love with you since our first year, right?'
"Alice, he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend, therefore were just friends. I feel comfortable being that close to someone I'm not dating. I don't need to have a title to tell me how to feel about him."
"Alright, Miss Independent, but how does he feel? Are you sure you're not just leading him on?"
"I never go further than he wants me to, and he does the same for me. Look, I know he still has feelings for me and to be honest, I have more than friendly feelings for him too. But I'm patient, Alice, and that's more than you can say about yourself. I understand that I rejected him so much when we were younger that he's probably afraid to take action now, but he will. Eventually he will and I'll be right there for him, waiting with open arms and an open mind."
Alice looked at me as if I was speaking a different language, but didn't ask anymore questions. I only hoped that I felt as wise as I sounded because something told me I couldn't keep pretending to just want to be his friend for much longer.
Five of Cups: Development over time
"Lily, I know he's crazy about you, why don't you just tell him you feel the same way?" Sirius demanded.
"I tried, remember, but he pulled away. I'm not going to beg him to be with me, Sirius," I cried.
"He can be a real idiot sometimes, you know that. He's in love with you. You know it, I know it, the whole world knows it."
"Then why the hell does he back away from me every time things get too personal!"
"What do you mean, you two were practically married just a couple of weeks ago. You were the "it" couple at Hogwarts," he said, running a hand through his hair.
"We weren't a couple. It was never official anyway. It was sort of, I don't know, friends with benefits, but he never asked me to be his girlfriend. He sort of just kissed me and hugged me and said he loved me, but every time someone asked about his girlfriend, he would say he didn't have one. He would say that I was simply his best friend," I sobbed.
"What?" he exploded. "You mean the bastard never even had the decency to ask you to be his girlfriend?"
"It wasn't just him. I…we…never really set any boundaries. We just sort of did these things and I never questioned it. I caught him opening his mouth to tell me something so many times, but the moment I looked at him, he shook his head and started telling me about the next great prank."
"And now you're head over heels in love with him and don't want to tell him in case you lose him in the process?'
I nodded sadly, and wiped away the new tears pooling in my eyes.
"Trust me, Lily, you won't lose him. He loves you. He's always loved you. He's just been too much of a coward to ask you to be with him because he's somehow afraid you're going to reject him like you did so many years ago," Sirius said and walked over to hug me.
"I really love him, Sirius. I realized it so suddenly and now I'm afraid it's too late. We played around with each other's emotions for so long that I'm not sure he'll ever take me seriously."
"Tell him, Lily. He's too afraid to do it himself."
Two of Wands: Beginning of New Relationship
I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I had to keep reminding myself that I had to take things slowly to not scare him away, and that people who took it slowly didn't look at each other that way. James and I had been at the Leaky Cauldron for well over an hour, and had succeeded in getting so inebriated that we didn't even know why we were there in the first place. Tom, the bartender, finally cut us off and led us to the fire place where he flooed us back to James' flat. We stumbled out of the fire place in a fit of laughter that was uncontrollable. When I finally got to my feet, I looked down at him and saw that he was dozing off on the floor.
"James," I said nudging him a little so as to wake him up.
He mumbled something incoherent in response and flipped over on his back while I took that opportunity look at him. He had been one of my best friends for a little over a year now, and I couldn't believe neither of us was brave enough to take things further. He had always been in love with me at Hogwarts, but I was so afraid of what we could be getting into that I aided in keeping things as just close friends.
Knowing that my affection for James was beyond the bounds of friendship, I knelt down as balanced as I could in my state, and placed my head on his chest. The rise and fall caused by his steady breathing was soothing, and made me want to tell him everything I had been hiding from him for months. I felt alive when I was with him, like I could tell him anything and he would understand because he knew me. He completed me.
When I lifted my head from his body, I stroked his messy tresses before removing his glasses from his face and placing them behind his head. He opened his eyes then and looked at me before smiling. I know I blushed, and I know my heart skipped a beat. He did that every time he smiled at me, because really, that smile should be banned. There is no way any man should be able to undo anyone with a simple smile.
"Hey," I whispered after a moment.
"Hi," he responded in hoarse whisper.
It must have been the firewhiskey altering my senses, or it was the fact that our faces were just so close together, but I leaned in and slowly placed my lips on his. It took him only a second to return the kiss, and I sighed with the sort of content that made my heart melt. It wasn't a hurried kiss, or even a lazy one. It was the type of kiss that took your breath away. I pressed my body against his to deepen the kiss and soon found myself straddling him. Everything was happening so fast that I didn't even think about what I was doing. I heard him groan underneath me before he pulled my hair behind my ears and put his hands on my face. I grew more insistent with my kisses and immediately felt just how aroused he was becoming.
"Lily," he croaked.
"Shh," I said before capturing his mouth with mine again.
All thoughts of him being my best friend and taking it slowly first were quickly forgotten when I sat up, making sure to bring him with me so that we were both sitting down in front of the fireplace, our faces dancing with the light emitted from the flames. He groaned at the contact that our new position created and he too became more insistent with his actions. Had we been sober, I doubt it we would have gotten in so deep without talking about it first, yet we couldn't be bothered to stop at the time. As I began fumbling with the buttons of his shirt, he began picking himself up from the floor. I followed his lead, and soon we were standing in front of each other, still heatedly connected at the lips. I pressed my body fully into his, and he stumbled forward just slightly so that my back was soon firmly against the wall beside the fireplace. He grunted loudly when I continued to unbutton his shirt until he finally let go of any inhibitions and picked me up with ease so that my legs immediately wrapped around his waist. I opened my eyes and was surprised to find that he was staring at me with such an intense look in his eyes that I was afraid I would collapse from the emotions stirring up inside. He smiled at me then and gently kissed my forehead. I had never felt more loved in my life, and I knew I wanted to make love to him. I instinctively tightened my hold on him and breathed one word into his hair that I know triggered something inside of him as he continued his attentions onto my neck and shoulder.
"James," I gasped, as I felt his arousal against my thigh.
The Lovers: Uncertainty and Change
"What's wrong, Lily?" he whispered in my ear, "You seem preoccupied today."
"Nothing's wrong, James," I whispered back, "I'm just a little tired from our unyielding shagging."
His body vibrated next to mine as he suppressed a chuckle, and I was content that my response was enough to put him at ease. He soon brought my body closer to his, holding me tight as if I was a part of him. His breathing slowed down and I knew he was asleep.
I loved moments like those, when it was just the two us. The war had taken so many moments away from us that it was beginning to feel like I had to fight in order to spend time with my husband. It wasn't fair that he had to be so reckless; forever undaunted by whatever Death Eater stood in the way of what was right. It wasn't fair that we had to sacrifice our first year as newlyweds to a cause that we were rapidly losing and that had no end in sight. If there was anything I could have done to stop him from volunteering to take on extra duties for the Order, I would have done it in a heart beat. He didn't seem to understand, and I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I couldn't take it anymore. The war and the Order were taking everything I ever wanted away from me. I fought because I couldn't let those psychopaths destroy the world I knew and loved and I fought because I had to. Most importantly, however, I fought to protect the single most important person in my life. James was the reason I got up in the morning and James was the reason I couldn't tell Dumbledore to go to hell.
But James was right; I had been distracted. Thoughts of war and duty had taken a back seat to anxiety about our future as a family. It was brought to my attention a few days prior, but I'd been afraid to do anything about it. The irregularities, the morning sickness, the fainting spells; they could only mean one thing. I almost fainted when it dawned on me and broke down into tears immediately afterwards. We were only a pair of nineteen year olds living in a world full of infinite uncertainties after all. What would happen if I was pregnant? Was I ready? Was James ready? What did we know about raising a child anyway?
I fixed my gaze on James' sleeping form and slowly took his arm off from around my waist. There was a charm I found the day before that was supposed to let me know whether I was pregnant or not. I knew I wasn't ready to find out, but I had to know. What if that was our way out of the war? Would knowing that I was carrying his child make James step down from the dangers he readily took on everyday?
As I got off the bed and put my robe on, I couldn't help feeling lost and confused. James and I had never even talked about having children. As married teenagers, our lives at home were pretty simple. With a child around, our lives were going to be turned completely upside down. I walked into the loo as quietly as possible, but it felt like the loudest room in our flat. My heart was pounding so fast that I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe. My hands were shaking as I began to perform the charm that would be so simple under any other circumstances, but just then, I couldn't even hold my wand up properly. I took a moment to calm my breathing down before proceeding, but really, there wasn't anything in the world that could take that anxiety away.
The charm was performed, and there was a burning sensation in my stomach; it would only take a few minutes to work. If a red glow began to emit from the region around my belly button, I was pregnant; if the burning sensation stopped and there was no glow within five minutes, I wasn't pregnant. I unfastened my robe so that I was looking at myself in front of the mirror, and I couldn't help imagining what I would look like if I was pregnant. I placed my hands in front of my stomach, making an arch and squinting so that it looked like if my stomach was protruding. I smiled at the image that was created in my head, and then I began to think about what James would say. What if he turned out to be a bad father? Worse yet, what if he didn't want a child? That would never happen, I thought to myself.
There was a stirring in the bedroom, and I knew James was awake. I knew he was looking around the bedroom, half blind and frustrated, thinking I'd gone to the kitchen to cry as I did many nights those days.
"Lily?" he called out.
"I'm in here," I answered, and I began to panic because I hadn't gotten the results yet and I wanted to know before he saw me.
"Is anything wrong?" he asked, and I knew he was walking towards the door, his brows furrowed, and a concerned look on his face.
"Nothing's wrong, James, I'll be out in a minute," I responded as I locked the door. "Just go back to bed."
"Are you sure?" he asked again, sounding very worried.
I smiled at the tone of his voice because I knew he cared so much for me. How could I question whether or not James would be a good father? He never treated me with anything but love and tender care and I knew he would do the same for our child. I had been around him and his group of friends for far too long to think James could be anything but the best father a child could have.
A tear rolled down my cheek when I remembered the way James always played mediator between Sirius and Peter in whatever squabble they happened to be engaged in. He always playfully admonished Sirius for being so harsh on Peter, and always had words of encouragement for Peter afterwards, never letting him get down on himself. I marveled at the way James made Remus smile when he ruffled his friend's hair as he joined him in the dining room for a chess match he was sure to lose, but had to play anyway just to let Remus know he cared. James was like a father to all of them. Their leader. Their safeguard. A true Gryffindor in every sense to those three men and the only one that could ever keep the marauders in check.
The burning sensation in my stomach stopped, and when I looked down, there was an ethereal glow on my skin. I burst out laughing, and I knew in an instant that everything was going to be alright.
"Lily?" James asked again when he heard me laughing. He sounded confused, and I could see him in my head, sitting on our rumpled bed with a crooked smile and a raised eyebrow, waiting for my explanation.
"I'm fine, I'm fantastic," I answered back, and I knew I was. James would make a great father, I would make a great mother, and the war would just have to take a back seat to our family. Everything was going to be just fine.
The World: Hopes and Fears
"I hope that for your sake, he only looks like you and he won't begin acting like you," I laughed at James as we watched Harry begin to finally fall asleep.
"And what would be wrong about that?" he countered.
"I don't want to become a permanent fixture at the Headmaster's office, that's what. I must have seen your mother there more times than I would have liked. Not to mention the countless howler's the entire Great Hall was subjected to each time a prank of yours went too far," I said, softly kissing his cheek.
"I'm sure you're going to be there all the time for other reasons, love. He's a strong one, this one. I bet he's going to be a combination of both of us. A little nosy, a little mischievous, and very smart. He's going be your typical hero type, just you wait and see."
"What if you're wrong? What if something happens to us and we're not there to see him grow up to be that man?" I asked in a hoarse whisper.
"Lily," he started. "Look at me, Lily," he said as he lifted my gaze to meet his. "I wouldn't think twice about protecting the two of you. If anyone goes after you or Harry, they'll have to get through me first, you understand?"
I nodded as tears rolled down my eyes because I knew he would do just that. James would never let anything happen to us as long as he was there to protect us. What worried me was that he was too willing to put himself in danger for our family. If he was protecting us, who would protect him?
"Don't worry, Lily, Sirius would there for us. Remus too, and Peter. Our friends will help protect this family."
King of Pentacles: Final Result, Culmination
Walking through the crowded London streets, I slowly made my way towards the Leaky Cauldron. The Order of the Phoenix was meeting in Diagon Alley and I was already running late. Looking back on that meeting with that old lady so many years ago had me feeling shaky and nervous. It had been such a long time since I'd walked through those crowded streets and even longer since I'd thought about that day. So many things had changed in my life since then, none more important than the love I shared with James. It's difficult to say whether or not anything would have been different had I not had my cards read. But I wouldn't trade that day for anything in the world. I became a much stronger person through so many obstacles and I accomplished everything I set out to do. I had a wonderful husband, a beautiful son, and fantastic friends. I was part of an organization that was helping those in need and I thrived in a position at the Ministry of Magic that had me leading others that were just like me.
Perhaps the knowledge of how my life was going to play out did have everything to do with the decisions I made. The fact is, it doesn't matter. I'm happy. I wouldn't change a thing.
"Can I read you your fortune?" an old Muggle woman asks as I'm about to cross the street.
I stare at her with mild curiosity as she begins to take hold of my hand. I smile down at her, gently pat her hand and shake my head.
"No thank you, I've already had my fortune read," I reply.
She nods politely as I continue on my way. I'm no longer willing to dismiss divination completely, but I'm also looking forward to life being a surprise.