Hi everyone :D
I thought I'd post something for Goku's birthday! How I managed to forget about it is beyond me… I feel bad… BUT I've got this as a late present for our dear Goku-kun~~! ^-^
This could be set sometime in the recent manga, but there really aren't specifics.
Disclamer: I obviously don't own Saiyuki
Ja ne,
Temari 88 :)
Those Words
by Temari 88
I always used to say that I don't remember anything of the times I turn into Seiten Taisei… which is true… to some extent at least.
I can't say what happens when the diadem is not circling my forehead anymore: I don't know what I do – I usually find that out after I regain consciousness and, because of that, for some time after I just can't find the strength in me to be my normal self… I know, it's something that makes the others nervous and on edge because they're not used to see me feeling so blue.
I'm not any more used to it than them either, to tell the truth. I don't like to mull over things for too long: if I think for hours on end about my transformations, inevitably I end up drowning in a sea of desperation and guilt… that is why I hate it.
Yet I feel even worse, getting to see with my very own eyes all the damage and the wounds on my friends' bodies; wounds made by my own hands and – yeah, I get the urge to scrub at my skin with a sponge until I feel it getting on fire – I feel so dirty… and then, Hakkai and Gojyo would be kind and try to cheer me up saying that it wasn't really me who had hurt them. They're too kind, too much. I don't deserve it.
Sanzo, on the other hand… well, he's Sanzo. He always knows when I need a comforting gesture or when I would instead prefer to get shaken roughly by the shoulders to get rid of unpleasant thoughts swimming inside my head. Sanzo knows what to do, in every situation: when he gets hurt because of the Seiten, his goal is not to reassure me with words; he does his best to heal and get better in the shortest time possible… and it is when I see him there, by the window with a cigarette between his lips – that I feel a weight lift from my shoulders, in that moment and only in that moment.
… I'm not saying that I don't worry for Hakkai's or Gojyo's wounds, not at all…
Without looking down on the relationship I have with them, which are my best friends…
Sanzo is the most important person.
When all of this will end, the place to which I'll come back to will hold no relevance as long as Sanzo will allow me to follow him.
In the end, my place – my home – is with him.
I know it.
Because, even if it's true that I have no memory of what goes on when my limiter gets removed or broken since I'm free… that doesn't mean I don't remember some of the emotions or sensations I've felt in those moments. And the same can be said for what I've heard during the transformations… and one thing I can recall perfectly clear, because it echoes within my mind in the after effects of my loss of control…
When the doubts, the ghosts of a past I don't know, the loneliness and the fear threaten to overcome me… Sanzo's voice repeating those words can comfort me unlike any other thing would be able to do.
"I would never leave you alone! You're too useless…"