Chapter One

Two years. Two long years since he had last heard from her. He should have known it would not have worked out in the first place but he loved her. She was everything he ever wanted in a women. Strong, brave, and an amazing warrior. Hell, one of the last times they had spared together she had beaten him to a pulp while she had barely a scratch. It was that same night they had slept together for the first time. That memory and the times after were burned into his memory and his heart. She would visit him many times over the next few years. Sometimes for a few weeks and if he was lucky a few months. It was not long after her four month stay that she returned to her salamandrian home world promising she would return soon.

Yeah right soon, thought the red masked turtle

Six months had gone by without even an email from her. He tried to contact her multiple time, worrying that she had gotten attacked or worse on her way home. I mean fuck it was not like she was just driving down the street to her house. Finally, he got the message he had been praying for. He saw her name pop up on his screen and his heart will filled with excitement. But that would soon change as he opened the message.

"I'm sorry Raph. I know it has been a while since I have gotten ahold of you and I apologize for making you wait so long. I just didn't know how to tell you this. After I returned home I met someone. I will always love you just not in the same way anymore. I wish you and your brothers well. Goodbye"

Raph did not know it was possible to feel that amount of pain. He did something that day that he had never done before…..cry. He sat in his room alone after reading her final message and cried. His brothers would knock on the door and ask what was wrong. Hell, at one point Donnie had tried to pick the lock but he did not succeed. He had never shown his brothers weakness and he was not going to let them see him in that condition.

It was three days before he emerged from his room to face them.

Now two years later he sits in his room and reads the message. He didn't know why he felt the need to torture himself this way. Possibly to remind him that a giant mutated turtle was never destined for love. "Well fuck", he thought, "that idea went out the damn door." Just last year April, the most beautiful human he had ever met, admitted her feelings for his brother Donnie. They have been happy together ever since. If someone as beautiful as April O'Neil could love a mutant why couldn't someone love him? "Because you dumbass there is nothing special about you!" He would always tell himself. "You're not a genius, you're not a leader, and you hardly make people laugh with a charming personality…fuck my only talent is hitting things really hard and fucking people up"

No, he did not look at that message many times to remind him that no one could love a mutated turtle. He looked at that message almost every day to remind him that no one could love HIM. He knew he was a great fighter and that his brothers relied on him. He had saved their dumb asses many times over the years. He knew his best friend Casey thought of him as a brother and they had bonded over beating things to a pulp and sports. Even years later after they met as teen they still hung out on a regular basis. Well, when he wasn't hanging out with his girlfriend. Raph couldn't remember her name mostly because Casey was a player and had many women over time.

He knew that he was loved by his family. That he was sure of. But romantic love from another? NO! This left a hole in his heart he had tried to fill over the years. He would "hook-up" with a mutant girl every once in a while, mutants in the sewers were not as rare as they used to be thanks to the Kraang, but none of them ever stayed to long. Of course he never brought anyone of them home with him to the lair. Hell, he never got to know them long enough too. They were mostly something to occupy him occasionally when the nights got lonely.

When his brothers would refer to him as a "man-whore" he would smile and laugh. He always acted like a confident badass in front of his brothers. Damn he still believed he was a badass when he was with his family. It was when he was alone in the dark that these thoughts of self- loathing would find him. He hated himself for this. How could he let one women tear him down like this? Why did he let that "fucking slut" ruin his view on the world? He had never believed in that sappy soulmate bullshit until he met her.

"ok Raph" he spoke to himself as he took the last swig off his bottle of rum. " Get yourself together before someone sees you….or smells you"

The last thing he needed was the "fearless" leader giving him a lecture about how a ninja's body is a temple and shouldn't be treated this way. It was his fucking body why was it any business of Leo to tell him what to do! All because he was the leader, and had been since they were young, doesn't mean he can tell him what to do with his personal life. He loved his brother but he always had to fight the urge to knock his teeth down his throat.

"RAPH! Time to get to the docks" shouted Leo as he banged on his bedroom door. "Donnie picked up some Foot chatter and apparently they are getting some important shipment!"

"Wow speak of the devil and he will appear" He joked to himself. "OK IM COMING! Hold your damn horses!"

"SHIT,SHIT, SHIT" he thought " Where the fuck is the gum or mints."

He quickly grabbed his red headband off his nightstand. He then began shuffling around his room in a frenzy trying to find something to cover the smell of alcohol. He knew if any one of them found out he had been drinking they would not let him go with them. Maybe beating up some scumbag Foot would get his mind off his depression. He finally found his breath spray under his bed and dowsed his mouth with as much as he could take before the stinging got too much.

"There that should do it" He took one last look at his computer screen before he ran out his bedroom door and into the shellraiser.