This is a submission to Disorder of the Mind: Natsume contest. If you wish to participate, see Rekindled Moroseness's profile. Submission starts on January 14 and ends on March 8. Voting period is from March 12 to March 20 and the winner will be announced on Rekindled Moroseness's profile on March 22.
Title: Unwritten
Pen name: Tsuki's Angel
Type of disorder: Insomnia
Unseen Dreams
By Tsuki's Angel
-Insomniac-
. . .
"No one will ever see
This side reflected
And if there's something wrong
Who would have guessed it?
And I have left alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late."
. . .
Natsume stared out the window as thoughts raced through his mind. He wasn't quite sure what he was feeling. It was just another one of those nights. He window seat was beginning to feel uncomfortable, but the nostalgia of it all made him stay. He thought of her.
She didn't know, but he was madly in love with her. He couldn't help but turn his head whenever she passed by, feel his heart skip a couple of beats whenever he saw her smile, feel his heart break whenever he saw her cry. He was in love with her, and she was all he could ever think about. He never knew the girl of his dreams would be so close, yet so far away. But it was too late now. She was long gone, but he still thought of her.
He felt as though if he should get to work, before his manager had his head. He dragged himself off of the window seat and sat himself down at the grand piano in the living room of his apartment. He placed his fingers gingerly on the sleek creamy white keys. He played a few stray notes and let them echo throughout the empty air—his empty life. What was life to him anyways, but work and sleepless nights?
He ran a hand through his tousled black hair, and let out a sigh. He was an insomniac, and he felt as awake as ever. Thoughts raced through his mind once more as his fingers pressed down on various keys, producing a melody that set his heart at ease.
. . .
He walked passed people rushing to get to work. The many beings bustling about were pretty normal, for he lived in a big city. He mostly kept his eyes glued to the ground, as if there was something so interesting, he couldn't keep his eyes off of it, but occasionally he looked up from the ground to see where he was going.
He passed by many buildings, mostly ignored all of them, but stopped when one particular one had caught his eye. He usually didn't really look at that building, for the many memories it kept there. He once went to that place so often, others would think he worked there full time, but no. He did not go there to work, but to spend time with her.
Yes, she loved it at the coffee shop. She said she loved the smell of the freshly baked cookies and scones. She would always order something different, saying you shouldn't be afraid to try something new. He would always roll his eyes, and say, 'Keep eating, Polka.' Then she would pout and continue to eat as if there was nothing that would disturb them in the entire world, smiling as always. He thought that smile would never fade if he kept her happy.
But he was wrong.
He couldn't keep her from crying that dreadful night—that night when her brother, Tsubasa, died. She wouldn't stop crying. Her tears couldn't stop flowing. Her heart could not be healed. Subsequently, she left saying sorry and that she couldn't be here—that she needed to try something new. That was when it all began.
Natsume was broken. After she left, he saw nothing in the world. What was there to live for? He couldn't follow her—his job required him to stay here. He couldn't give up his job—how would he live his life? He had to let her go, and just like that, his world collapsed. Stress overcame him as he thought of the many possible things he could have done to make her stay. Anxiety filled his live as he glanced into that coffee shop every so often in the past, just to see if he could see her laughing. He rarely ever slept, afraid that if he did so, he would never wake up from the terrible nightmare he was having.
He took a deep breath as he clenched his jaw and walked straight into the coffee shop. He knew she wasn't going to be there, but he couldn't help but check. He couldn't help but try and hope that she had come back. But of course, when he stepped into the coffee shop, she wasn't there. Natsume sighed, and decided to buy himself a cup of coffee. He was, after all, at a coffee shop. He knew it was bad for him to drink it, because of his insomnia and all, but he didn't care at the moment. He felt exhausted.
All he did was get his cup of coffee and leave. And what he did after that? He went home to write music. Music was always a passion of his. It helped him relax and unwind—and that's exactly what he needed right now.
. . .
"Natsume!" Luca said, tired. "Didn't I tell you it was due this Friday? Now you only have today to work on it!"
"Hn," Natsume replied bored, glancing at the calendar to see what date it was. November 25.
"I'm serious!" Luca said. "The record company's going to have my head—not yours. Mine!"
Natsume sighed, "Alright, alright. I'll work on it tonight and see what I can come up with."
Luca seemed to relax, "Thank you."
Natsume merely waved a hand to acknowledge him as he left the office. He yawned. Luca can worry a bit excessively at times. Of course he knew it was due Friday. He just couldn't get inspired enough to write a song. Usually, whenever he couldn't think of anything, he thought of her. When he thought of her, something always came to mind and music always flowed through his head. Luca evidently knew this, but didn't say a word about it. They never talked about her anymore.
"Damn," Natsume said, as he saw the rain fall outside the office.
Natsume clenched his jaw. He was having the worst headache. He hadn't slept in two weeks. He decided to just walk home. His apartment wasn't too far from here and he just wanted to lie down.
The rain wasn't cold—it was warm. It sounds weird, yes, but it was definitely better than cold rain. He looked up at the sky as he continued to walk through the park, which was a shortcut to his home. The rain pelted his face, one droplet at a time. He looked back down and pressed the bridge of his nose with his fingers. His headache was not fading at all. He lifted his head to look in front of him. His vision was a bit blurry, but he found himself staring at a figure of a woman who was obviously looking at him in this state.
He hated that.
He hated people for thinking about him having a 'condition'. They treated him differently because they knew he was messed up in the head. Natsume's anger was rising as he whirled around and ran away from the woman. He didn't care about the fact that he had to take the long route home. He didn't care about the fact that he may or may not finish the song tonight. What he did care about though was about the fact that that woman, even if for a second, pitied him.
. . .
Natsume was panting heavily when he reached home. He slumped against the door, tired, emotionless. He was soaked from head to toe—he was sure to catch a cold. Great. Something else to keep him up at night. Natsume held his head in his hand, wincing. Headaches are so annoying. He made a face and got back up to take some pain killers and get a change of clothes.
After he was clad in baggy jeans and a loose black tee, he settled himself down on the piano, and began playing notes.
"Damn it, Mikan," Natsume grumbled. He felt a pang in his heart as he whispered her name. Why couldn't he stand to be away from her? He's lost his ability to sleep because she wasn't there to say goodnight. Natsume stared blankly at the piano. "How did you leave like that?"
He played a few stray notes, and that's how it was for the next hour. It was a few stray notes, an angry curse, and then he started all over. The nearby waste bin was overflowing with crumpled balls of paper. His thoughts were jumbled up. What can you do when you don't know what to do next?
He slammed his hands down on the piano keys. His frustration and stress was skyrocketing. He suddenly heard the phone ring. He groaned and decided to let the machine get it. After a few rings, he heard the voice of one of his friends—Kokoro Yome.
The answering machine beeped, "Hey, Natsume! I just wanted to give you a call and say Happy Birthday! It's this Saturday, right? I hope you didn't forget like last year. Anyways, Kitsuneme says the same. Err… Oh! No, wait. I lost it. Yup. That's it, I guess. See ya! Call me sometime. You never do anymore."
Natsume twitched. He did forget, and knowing his idiotic friends, they would try and plan some stupid surprise party, which would be of no surprise at all. Natsume's eyes drooped.
He felt tired.
. . .
It was Friday, and somehow, Natsume managed to finish that song. He already handed it in to Luca, and was ready to spend the day at home, reading some books. He had nothing better to do. Luca was so happy and relieved. He wondered how he could find happiness in such a trivial thing. The record company wasn't too intimidating. In fact, Natsume probably had more power over them than they did over him.
He lay in his bed and stared at the ceiling. There were intricate designs on it done with paint. It gave the ceiling a look of confusion, but a calming pleasure at the same time. It was quite interesting. Natsume couldn't help but think how pathetic his life had gotten ever since Mikan left. She was his life. He only smiled for her; he spent all of his energy thinking about her and what to do to make her happy. So, now that she was gone, the energy left had nowhere to go and became lost.
He laughed bitterly as he remembered all the silly things she used to find happiness in, such as the sun. Whenever it was sunny, she went out to the park, dragging him along with her. Mikan truly put happiness into Natsume's life.
He couldn't help but think that he had lost what was most important to him.
. . .
Natsume threw his head back, yawning. He was waiting outside the building Luca told him to meet him at. It was his surprise party, no doubt. He checked his watch. It was getting late, and Luca needed to get here quick.
"Natsume!" Luca said. Natsume tapped his foot impatiently.
"Let's just get this over with," Natsume grumbled.
"At least act surprised," Luca chided. "Koko is all excited for this. He thinks you don't know."
"Tch," Natsume replied.
Luca and Natsume walked into the building. Everything was dark. Natsume counted down to Luca's actions. He turned on the lights just as he said 'zero'.
"Surprise! Happy Birthday, Natsume!"
Natsume stood there, letting the confetti cover his black dress shirt. He shook the sparkles out of his hair, remaining quiet, not excited at all. The crowd was in frenzy, happy that it went off without a hitch.
"Wait—he's not surprised, is he?" Koko said all of a sudden. He was standing in the front, a confetti popper in his hands.
"I'm not surprised that he's not surprised," Kitsuneme said. Koko nodded.
Natsume stared at his friends, chattering amongst themselves. The music blasted and people started dancing. Natsume didn't mind. He went straight to the snack table to get himself something to drink. He found some water would do.
"Natsume, are you going to play your song?" Luca asked.
"Yeah," Natsume replied. "Whatever."
"We'll have the instruments played by speaker so all you have to do is sing," Luca explained. "You're up in five."
"Already?" Natsume asked.
"Yeah," Luca said. "I thought you should do your performance earlier so that you can enjoy the rest of the party."
"What's there to enjoy?" Natsume retorted.
Luca smiled, "You'll see."
Natsume raised an eyebrow. What was Luca up to now?
. . .
Natsume stood on the stage, waiting for the music to turn on. As soon as it did, Natsume started tapping his foot to the beat. He held his guitar tight. He told Luca he wanted to play it. He felt better up on stage when he had it with him. He began singing.
Shadow Of The Day
(Linkin Park)
I close both locks below the window
I close both blinds and turn away
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple
Sometimes goodbye's the only way
Natsume looked into the crowd. He watched as people smiled. He scanned the crowd, looking for no one in particular. What the heck—he was looking for her, but he knew she wasn't there. It's just not possible. He closed his eyes and began to sing again.
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
He opened his eyes and saw a flash of gold. He stared at it for a little bit and his eyes widened the slightest bit when he realized who it was. Mikan. She smiled up at him from a seat. She looked gorgeous in her strapless gold dress. She waved hello. Natsume's eyes softened and he felt . . . happy.
Pink cards and flowers on your window
Your friends all plead for you to stay
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple
Sometimes goodbye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
The crowd applauded Natsume's performance. He immediately ran down the stairs of the stage to that one girl. Mikan stood on the edge of the dance floor, waiting. Natsume saw her. He was only a foot away.
"It's your birthday," she said. "I had to come."
Natsume didn't say anything. He stood there like an idiot, not knowing what to say. Mikan smiled sheepishly.
"Happy Birthday," she said.
"Why are you here?" he asked.
"Didn't I tell you? It's your birthday—" she began.
"No, how are you here?" he clarified.
"Oh," Mikan said. "Luca called me up, saying that I should come for your party."
"That's all it took?" Natsume asked, a bit peeved.
"What?" Mikan asked, confused.
Natsume pinched the bridge of his nose, "I asked you repeatedly not to go, and you can back with a phone call from Luca?"
Mikan's expression turned grim, "Still as stubborn as ever, I see."
"I guess so," Natsume retorted.
"Natsume," Mikan said. "Luca told me . . . how you've been acting, and . . . what's wrong with you."
Natsume's eyes flashed, "Wrong? There is nothing wrong with me. "
"Natsume, you have insomnia," Mikan stated. "It worried me, and I came back."
Natsume was angry now. Mikan can back because she was worried? He didn't like the sound of that.
"You don't need to be worried about me," Natsume spat. "I'm doing fine."
Mikan walked up to Natsume, so she was chest to chest with him, "Really?"
"Really," he replied.
Mikan remained expressionless, "You and your macho pride," she said. After that, she walked right past him and into the crowd.
"Dude."
Natsume turned to find Koko and Luca staring at him. Did they hear the whole thing?
"You shouldn't have done that," Luca said.
"Yeah," Koko agreed. "She loves you, man. And she was worried."
"I don't need pity," Natsume replied.
"She does not pity you, if that's what's bothering you," Luca said. "She is honestly worried to death. You should've heard her on the phone."
"I think you should apologize," Koko said.
"So do I," Luca agreed.
About a minute after his conversation, Natsume wanted to slap his forehead. This was not good at all. The woman of his dreams came back for him because she was worried and all he did was shun her. He was such an idiot, but so was she.
"Tch," he said to himself. "That idiot."
And what was he to do but find her?
. . .
It wasn't too late. Natsume could still find her. He asked Imai and she said that Mikan had gone around to the back of the place. She was sitting at a table alone when he found her, sipping at a glass of fruit punch. She looked up at him but made no move to talk. Natsume spoke up.
"Mikan," Natsume said.
"What?" Mikan sniffed. Was she crying?
"You're an idiot," he said.
Mikan got up and turned red, "Why must you always insult me?"
Natsume stepped closer to her, "Because you're fun to tease."
"Why?" she snapped.
"Because I can't help but think you're cute when you're mad," Natsume said.
Mikan sniffed again, "I was seriously worried about you."
"I know," Natsume replied. "I know."
Mikan closed the distance between them and she hugged him. She hugged him tight. Natsume held her closely.
"I missed you, Polka," Natsume said.
"I still hate that nickname," Mikan said. "But, I guess I can live with it."
"Good," Natsume replied. "Because you're not leaving me again."
And for the first time in a while, Natsume felt whole. He had a feeling he would get a good night's sleep.
Grawr! I wanted this to be short, just like the other one, but I have got to say, not my best work. I'm in a bit of a hurry, so I decided to end this quick. At least it's something, even though I want to fix it…
Reviews are love!