Special Delivery
An Invader Zim Fanfiction by KidKourage
What An Amazing Thing To Have Happen!
Well, it's back to business as usual at the old fanfic factory that is my brain. You know, I was reading my 'Squee!' TPB last night for about the zillionth time since I got it (you remember that, yes? I telled you all about it), and I thought it was really neat how Jhonen wrote in his intro to the Meanwhiles that those little stories were what 'kept him sane' while he worked with all his recurring characters and storylines. Well, I must say, it is maddening to have fun things and ideas in my head and not be able to write them all down cuz of 'the plan.' Oh, yeah, really, there's a plan! You might not have noticed, but this whole thing is going somewhere. I am the J.K. Rowling of Invader Zim Fanfiction, and I know what's going to happen in the very last story that I write in this series! But I am not telling you because, like the real J.K. Rowling, I am very evil and very British. Well…not the British part. But I am evil. Just ask my parents--they'll tell you. Introductions are fun. You don't really read them, do you? You just skip down to where the dialogue starts, because you just know that this paragraph probably has nothing in it but the usual disclaimer, right? I understand completely and am not offended in any way by the fact that you don't care about what I have to say, important or soul-wrenching as it may be. Nobody loves me! Waaaah, Mommy!
SPECIAL NOTE: You probably already know this, but I want to make it very clear for those people that the great JCV refers to as 'the single-celled members of the audience'--Diane is not my real roommate! My real roommate is a fairly nice person and I wish her a long and happy life full of everything that she wants it to be full of! Diane is a completely made-up character who is everything that I would absolutely hate in a roommate, and she was created simply because my real roommate is not incredibly evil or braindead and thus is not very entertaining! So, in conclusion, Diane is a total lie! Other utter falsehoods in this storyline include: teachers, classmates, people living in my residence hall, the residence life staff, and any other people who, when I write about them, have the word 'Random' in front of their names! These people have all been made up in the name of humor and good old-fashioned fun, because I am not in the business of slandering specific people--unless you count my brother, who is really a government android! I admit it!!! I am a huge liar!!!! But I am somewhat funny, so that's OK!!!!!! I also like exclamation points!!!!!!!
The scene is the college student center, which is also the campus post office! This is a nice building with a café and a place to buy Lifesavers should you need to freshen your breath. KidK has been living away from home for a few weeks, and it is now late September--complete with late September's tendency to be full of weird weather that flips from hot 'n humid to cold 'n drizzly. In either climate, however, KidK will ultimately return to her dorm room with hair the size of Detroit. But that's not relevant now! Currently, KidK is visiting the post office before attending class at 11:30, in the hope that her father's latest postcard or her mother's latest greeting card has arrived to cheer her up before the drudgery of skool begins for the day (they send me mail everyday--it's so sweet ^.^). However, in addition to those normal, everyday forms of mail, KidK's postbox also contains…
KidK: Oh, wow! How cool! Somebody sent me a package! I wonder what it could be! (she looks around, notices that several other girls are looking at her oddly, and realizes that she's been talking to herself again) Oops. God, what a dork…well, better go see what this thing is before class. The form says I've gotta go see the clerk… Excuse me? I've got a package waiting for me. (she hands in her slip)
Clerk Lady: Sign here, please. Hey, Edna, come get this girl's package!
Edna: No way, Gladys, you do it! It's your job!
Gladys: But I don't feel like it now!
Edna: Oh all right. Hmf, pushy old lady…here ya go, missy.
KidK (thinking): How can she…oh, wait, yeah, a slightly derogatory term for young girls, I forgot. Thanks.
She exits the post office, now carrying a rather large cardboard box in addition to her bookbag. Now she's off to go to a class called Shaping a Life, which is an introductory writing class required of all first years. You get to hear inspirational women speak about their lives, and then you have to analyze what they said, and the big project for the semester is to interview a woman you know about her educational experiences and then write an analytical paper about what you learned. This class is a very good class for teaching students how to analyze (obviously), but it is also a bit boring simply because there isn't any real learning going on within the classroom--instead, you learn by writing, which is done in your dorm room or at the library. So KidK is glad to have a package to open while she waits for class to start (I'm always like 10 minutes early--that's my Dad's influence), because that way she can be happy and, therefore, awake for the entirety of the hour-and-twenty-minute period. (please say you recognize this as sarcasm…)
Teacher Lady: Good morning, Melissa. My, that's a big box you've got there!
KidK: Yup! Someone sent it to me!
Teacher Lady (a bit suspiciously): Who?
KidK: Ummmm…well, the return address is my address, so it's probably something from my parents.
Teacher Lady: Can you be sure of that? We don't want any students opening bombs in the classroom or anything, now do we?
KidK: These are my Mom's address labels, and it would be pretty hard for any bad people to get hold of one of these, because my Mom hoards them like gold. Anyway, the only way to find out is to open it, right?
Teacher Lady: I suppose…
Random Student Tabitha: Oooh, neat! I never get packages or anything!
Random Student Trish: Really! Your parents must, like, love you or something!
KidK: Er, yeah…they do.
She busts out her awesome travel-size scissors and slices through the brown tape holding the box closed. Inside is…
Random Student Gail: Packing peanuts! Wow, lucky!
Random Student Vicky: You dope! There's gotta be something in there other than packing peanuts! Otherwise what's the point? (Vicky is clever for a college freshman, isn't she?)
Suddenly, KidK jumps back as the packing peanuts begin to rustle and crackle.
Trish: Ew, there's totally something, like, alive in there!
Tabitha: It better not be a ferret. Ferrets don't make good pets--they're the reason why I only have nine fingers.
Everyone Else: …………………………….
Gir (bursting out): Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiya, Missy!
KidK: Oh my god! Gir! What in the world are you doing here?!
Gir: I missed you, Missy! Mommy always writes you pretty cards and she told me that you would get them if she put them in the blue box on the corner, so I put myself in the blue box so you would get me!
KidK: OK, that sounds like the kind of absentmindedly sweet thing you'd do, but who got you a box? And packing peanuts? And who addressed the package?
Gir: Mikey did! He said (he imitates Mike's voice) 'You are bugging me so I am glad to help you mail yourself away.' I luv Mikey, he's so nice…
Teacher Lady: Oh my! Would you like to introduce us to your little dog, Melissa?
Gail: Oh, yeah! It's so cute and green and stuff!
Vicky: What's up with that? Why's it green? And how come it can talk?
Other Students: Derrrr…yeah.
KidK: Well, everyone, this is Gir. He's not a dog, per se; he's a robot with neat artificial intelligence and stuff which enables him to speak. Don't worry, he's certainly not from outer space or anything.
Gir: Hey, kids! Check this out! (he starts singing) I'm a little source code, short and stout. (points to his mouth) This is my input, (points to his--ahem--rear) this is my out!
Tabitha: That is so cute! But…it got the words wrong. Are you sure you programmed it right?
KidK: Oh, he got the words right…Gir, you've gotten into my secret stash of ReBoot tapes, haven't you?
Gir: Yes.
KidK: But I hid them in my super secret hiding place!
Gir: That's where I found them!
KidK: Just so long as Dad didn't find out that I wasted his valuable video- cassette space on ReBoot, I guess that's OK.
Gir: Oh no! I did a smart thing and watched 'em in the lab! Master was mad, but then he watched 'em with me and said things like (imitating Zim) 'So that's how human computers work!'
KidK (hurriedly): Uh, Gir? Ix-nay on the uman-hay usiness-bay.
Gir: Heehee, you're funny Missy! Let's make up a whole secret language!
Vicky: Hey…what did that thing mean by 'Master?'
KidK: Oh, he doesn't belong to me. He's the property of my best friend, and he's programmed to call him that. (thinking) Oh, please be stupid enough to believe that…
Trish: Ooooo, your best friend is a guy? Is he cute?
KidK (actually relieved at this shift): Er, yes, as a matter of fact, he is cute. I'm almost 99 percent sure that you'd say, 'Wow, he's cute,' if you were to see him.
Teacher Lady: Well, it's about 11:30 now, so we should probably get started. So, what did you think of Monday's speaker? Miss blah blah blah life blah interesting blah blah blah monkeys blah blah don't you think?
Random Student Leslie: Well, I thought that she could've done more work on her blah blah blah all blurry and blah blah hurt my eyes blah blah sitting in the back row.
Random Student Monica: Yeah, and she just kept on blah blah blah a little boring when she blah blah homeless people blah depressing blah blah something else?
And the discussion continues on in this vein for a full half hour, fading more and more into the background as KidK--as usual--starts to think about something more interesting. You see, she's already finished her essay about what she thought of the speaker, really doesn't care what anyone else thought, and doesn't want to accidentally get any ideas about things she can add to her already-five-pages-over-the-page-limit essay. So she zones out and starts doodling the Magic Knight Rayearth logo in her notebook (OK, that's a lie too. Really it was the JtHM logo, but in my fanfic universe 'Nny & Co. really exist and so the comic book cannot exist). It's just another day in Shaping a Life class. Normal in every way except one.
Gail: Um, Melissa? Your green thing is totally eating my peanuts!
KidK (shocked out of her stupor): Huh? Whuh? Oh, jeez! Gir! You can't eat other people's snacks!
Gir: But the pixies said it was OK!
KidK: Pixies?
Gir: Yes, they were so preeeety with their pretty dresses…but now they're leaving! Bye bye, pretty pixies!
Teacher Lady: Ahem. Melissa, if you can't keep your robot dog thing in check, we're going to have a real problem here.
KidK: Don't worry, he won't get into trouble again. Gir, come sit on my lap, alright? That way I won't lose track of you.
Gail: You owe me a new peanut. (squeek squeek squeek, squeek squeeker…squeeken--TENG reference)
Trish: But peanuts are so totally bad for you and stuff! You don't want to get your freshman fifteen, do you?
Gail: Oh no! Do you think I'm gaining weight? Waaah, I'm gonna be all fat and stuff!
Vicky: That's just a myth…as long as you don't eat a ton more than you'd eat at home, you'll be fine.
Gail: But I…*sniff*…I already ate a whole bag of chips today! Boohoo!
Tabitha: Hey, Gail, wanna skip lunch and go to the gym after class?
Teacher Lady (uncharacteristically angry): That's not what we're supposed to be talking about here! This is a skool, not a diet mill! (she regains her composure) Now, class, let's talk about the readings you were supposed to do in your Shaping a Life Binder. Did you all remember to read about blah blah scientist blah blah blah Ecuador blah blah blah?
Gir (whispering): Missy?
KidK (likewise): Yeah, Gir?
Gir: I luv the pretty teachery lady…
KidK: She's OK, I guess. I feel sorry for her, having to teach this awful class though. Now why don't we listen to what she tells us about the scientist lady in Ecuador, hmm?
Gir: I'll take notes! (he produces a pink pencil from his head and starts writing in KidK's notebook) Lessee…si…in…test…can I draw a picture?
KidK: Sure.
Gir: Doo doo dooooo…
And so the next hour passes. KidK manages to stay awake once again, thanks in no small part to the fact that Gir keeps wiggling around and accidentally bumping her fingers with his errant pencil.
Teacher Lady: …blah blah blah…Oh look, it's 12:50 already? OK, class, make sure you work on your essays for next Monday! Have a good day!
Author note: apart from having to live there, college is awesome compared to regular skool. You only hafta go to each class a maximum of three times a week (and that's usually reserved for introductory foreign languages and lecture/discussion classes), so if you plan it right you'll only have about two or three class periods a day! That leaves you hours and hours to work on your homework and do a really good job during the weekdays, as opposed to normal skool where they keep you for like 8 hours and by the time you get home you're tired and angry so you put your essays and such off until the weekend. So, in conclusion, hurry up and get old so's you can go to college, cuz it's fun other than the fact that you hafta share a room with someone and take a shower in a filthy stall and eat horrendously bad food made by hairy, sweaty men! We now return you to the fanfiction, already in progress.
Gir: Hey, teachery lady!
Teacher Lady (a bit taken aback): Um…yes, dog robot creature?
KidK: His name's Gir. Now, Gir, it's time to go. We don't want to bother the nice teacher lady, do we?
Gir: But I wanna show her my picture!
KidK (thinking): Uh oh, if she sees my notebook she'll know that I don't take notes in this class--she'll know of my secret doodles! Um, I don't think that's such a good idea…
Gir (it's too late): Here, lady, see? I made a picture of you!
Teacher Lady: Oh…that's…nice. But look, you forgot my necklace.
Gir: Oh right! (he bonks his head) D'oh! I'll put it in now!
Teacher Lady: Good for you. You're a very good artist, Gir.
KidK: Hey, have you ever considered teaching little kids instead of us big nasty teenagers?
Teacher Lady: Well actually, that was my childhood dream…
KidK: Cuz you'd be good at it.
Teacher Lady: …but I heard there was no money in it.
KidK: Oh. Money. Right. That's too bad. Well, Gir, if you're all finished…
Gir: OK, Missy! Let's go! Um…where are we going?
KidK: Well, normally I skip out on a real lunch and just eat crackers or something in my dorm, but since you're here I suppose I could make an exception. But first, I've gotta call Mom and Zim or they'll worry about me and stuff. (she pulls out her oh-so-chic cell phone and hits the speed dial) Hello, Mom.
KidK's Mom: Hi, Missy. What did you do in class today?
KidK (thinking): Hmmm…tell her about Gir--don't tell her about Gir--tell her about Gir…nah, don't tell her about Gir. We just talked about the presentation we had on Monday. The one with the painter lady.
KidK's Mom: Did you do your essay yet?
KidK: Yeah, did it right after class on Monday, since SAL is my only class of the day. (see, I told you! Isn't that neat?)
KidK's Mom: Well, good. What dining hall are you going to go to today?
KidK: Prob'ly the one by the student center, cuz it's closer and all. (she don't know that I don't eat--I'm so bad)
KidK's Mom: OK. Well, thanks for calling so I know you're still alive and all. Just two more days, right?
KidK: Right. Well, when should I call you next? Before I go to my 4:30 class?
KidK's Mom: Sounds good. Talk to you then.
KidK: Bye bye! (she clicks off the cell phone) And now for Zim. (she pushes some buttons on her wrist communicator) Yo, whassup, mah homey?
Zim: What? What's wrong with you?
KidK: Nothin', just being my normal crazy self.
Zim: You can say that again. (he realizes what he's just said) But don't! I don't mean that seriously! Don't you dare repeat yourself!
KidK: I wasn't going to. So, how's your skool day going?
Zim: Just business as usual. The Bitters human was mumbling something about black holes and how her life is one. And the Dib-monkey told me that I should fall in one, but I don't see what purpose that would serve. (yelling at some other kid) No, I'm not talking to my hand, stupid filth monster! Go back to eating your slop! (to KidK) Honestly, this cafeteria place is disgusting--humans everywhere, and the stench of that stuff they're eating!
KidK: Whatever you do, don't eat it. And speaking of which, I have a very important question for you: Do you know who will be joining me for lunch today?
Zim: Hmm…nobody? At least, I hope not. Those beastly college students are a bad influence.
KidK: Well, it's nice to know you care, but you're totally wrong. Let me ask you something else: Have you noticed that someone has been missing from the house lately?
Zim: No. Except that Mike has been staying after skool for something called 'debate' a lot lately.
KidK (her patience has run out): No, silly! I'm talking about Gir! He mailed himself to me! Why don't you know that?
Zim: Oh. Well…I was aware that it was a great deal quieter around here…but I just figured Gir was amusing himself elsewhere.
KidK: Elsewhere indeed. Now, I hate to trouble you, but do you think you could come up here after skool and get him?
Gir: Aw, man! I don't wanna go home yet!
KidK: You don't have to go yet, Gir. We've still got a few hours to have fun before Zim gets here. Right, Zim?
Zim: And how, pray, am I supposed to get to your skool from here? As the clerk at the 7-11 is so fond of pointing out, I don't have a human drivers' license.
KidK: Duh! You still have your Voot Cruiser, yeah?
Zim: Yes, but it still needs repairs after Gir spilled that hideous brain-ice-thing on the control panel.
KidK: So fix it and get your butt up here! I love Gir tons and all, but I can't just keep him here until Friday! For one thing, I don't think my teachers would like it. Please say you'll come.
Zim: No.
KidK: Pleeeeze?
Zim: No!
KidK: Come on! You've gotta come! You've just gotta! Oh, man, I sound like Diane…ahem. Please, Zim? Hey, you still owe me from that junk food bet like two months ago!
Zim (uneasily): You may…have a point…
KidK: Of course I do. So, can I expect to see you in front of my residence hall sometime this afternoon?
Zim (resignedly): Very well. I'll contact you when I get there.
KidK: Yay! Hey, Gir, guess what!
Gir: Chicken butt?
KidK: No! Zimmy's comin' to visit us!
Gir: Wahoo!
KidK: Neat. So I'll see you then!
Zim: Yes. Ag, that's the bell. Stupid humans, trying to control where I go…
KidK: Byeeeee! OK, Gir, now let's go get some grub, shall we?
Gir: For sure!
They walk over to the dining hall by the student center, which is smaller than the one by KidK's dorm, but is closer to the hall where she has most of her classes. It's a little bit nicer inside too.
Cashier: OK, lemme scan your card, miss.
KidK: I need to use one of my guest meals too.
Cashier: Okie dokie, there ya go. Hey, what is that thing?
KidK: He's a robot. And yet he eats things. Don't ask me why.
Cashier: Weird.
Gir (yelling at a student): Hello, Mister Hat! I like your hat, Mister!
KidK: Gir, don't talk to the upperclassmen. Rumor has it that they bite. Now we get in line for the hot food.
Gir: Lookit that girl! She's all pink!
KidK: I'll bet her name is Tiffany or something. OK, it's our turn. What do you want, a cheeseburger or chicken?
Gir: Both!
KidK: Why am I not surprised? ^_^ Hold up your plate.
By the end of their trip down the hot food line, Gir's tray is absolutely loaded down with plates of hamburgers, chicken, fries, cheese substitute, Vegan broccoli bites, fish sticks, rolls, luncheon meats, and something brown that I have no idea what it is. KidK, on the other hand, just has a single chicken breast and a roll.
KidK: Now it's time for drinks. Let's see what kind of brainfreezy they have this week.
Gir: They have brainfreezys?
KidK: Yup, it's one of the only good points about the dining halls here. Both of them have brainfreezy machines, and they each have different flavors every week. Oh, sweet, this week it's Tangerine or Chocolate. Which one?
Gir: Both!
KidK: OK, get me two cups.
Gir: No, both in the same cup!
KidK: Well, if that's what you want…you know, that actually doesn't sound too bad. 'Specially because I love those Terry's Chocolate Oranges so much. I'll try it too.
And then it was time to find an empty table. This is no easy task, as people have a tendency to sit all by themselves at the hugest table possible, leading other people traveling in big groups to push several of the smaller tables together, leading to the relative impossibility to find a small table to sit by yourself at. I am often vexed by this.
Gir: Can we sit by the window?
KidK: Well, it looks like the potheads have already taken over that section…they smell funny.
Gir: Then let's sit in the middle!
KidK: Oh, man, not near the art skool students! They always laugh at my bluejeans! (muttering angrily) They envy my trenchcoat…oh yes…I can sense it…
Gir: Aw, man! There's no place to be! Wait, how 'bout there?
KidK: Sweet! Empty table off the port bow! Oh, no, but those trendy girls have their eyes on it too! We've gotta hurry!
She runs over to the table and slams her tray down just as the trendy girls get there too.
Trendy Girl 1: Hey, this is our table!
KidK: Too bad. I put my food down first. Hey, you don't even have your food yet!
Trendy Girl 2: Duh! One of us saves the table while the rest get our food!
KidK: So why don't you try something different and get your food first today? That way, by the time you're done there'll probably be a table empty.
Trendy Girl 3: You're just jealous cuz you can't use our system cuz you have no friends!
KidK (dumbstruck): ………………………
Gir (finally arriving): Hey, Missy, why'd you run away? Hiii, peoples!
Trendy Girl 2: Wow, that's so cuuuuuute!
Trendy Girl 1: Yeah, what a sweetie! What's your name, sweetie?
Gir: I'm Gir and I like you!
Trendy Girl 1: Didya hear that? He likes me!
Trendy Girl 3: Are you kidding? He was totally talking to me! (to KidK) Hey, you're not so geeky after all since you have a cute green dog thing, so you can sit with us at this table.
KidK: But it's my table! I got here first!
Trendy Girl 3: Don't push your luck.
And so…lunch was had. Unfortunately, it was had with three trendy girls. I hate it when I finally find an empty table and then, while I'm eating, these stupid girls just come right over and sit by me! They don't even acknowledge that I'm there, they just keep right on talking and eating as if I don't exist! I didn't ever know that I had the power of invisibility, but apparently I do. Gir, in contrast, is in seventh heaven, getting gushed over by the girls in so gooshy a manner that it cannot be described by normal narrative conventions. When Gir is finished with his mountain of so-called food, it's time to go.
Trendy Girl 1: Byyyye Gir!
Trendy Girl 2: Come visit us again soon!
KidK (under her breath): Oh, yeah, like he mailed himself here just to have lunch with you. (she glances at her watch) Oh man, it's already almost two o'clock! We've gotta get back to my dorm, and fast!
Gir: How come?
KidK: Because if I'm not there when Diane gets back from eating her lunch, she'll invite Cheyenne to spend the rest of the afternoon in our room!
Gir (staring blankly): Ohhhhh….
KidK: That's bad.
Gir: Oh no! Let's hop like bunnies and get our tails over there!
KidK: An excellent idea!
They run. Running is good exercise. However, they are too late.
Diane: Hi, Melissa! Do you mind if Cheyenne and me have a popcorn party now?
KidK (with a touch of sarcasm): No, Diane. Please, go right ahead and fill the microwave with popcorn, and feel free to spill it on my bed… again.
Gir: Popcorn! Poppy pop popcorn!
Cheyenne: Woooooooow!
KidK: Yes, I know, he's cute and stuff.
Cheyenne: Can I hug him?!
KidK: If he doesn't mind.
Gir: I like a hug! Gimme!
Diane: Me next! Me next!
Gir: Yay! The funny ladies like me!
KidK (thinking): Oy…this is gonna be a long afternoon. I hope Zim gets working on that Voot Cruiser right after skool…
Flash to KidK's house, where Zim is already hard at work on the Cruiser! How? Skool's still in session!
Zim: Stupid human medical practitioner…she was so easily fooled. Little does she know that Irkens are supposed to have a higher internal temperature than humans! I must remember this if I ever need to take an extended leave of absence from skool--fever is apparently a good way to prove you're sick. Now, where's that socket wrench? I must hurry if I'm to get there before KidK's 4:30 class…why do I know she has a class then? Her own parents forget that. I'd better stop myself before I get too attached to that girl.
He works very hard throughout the next hour or so, and finally gets the Voot Cruiser up to snuff. Meanwhile, Mike is now home.
Mike-the-Brother: Zim! Can I borrow your computer for a while? I hafta research ancient Mesopotamia on the internet and Mom says I'm not allowed to use the computer in the den because I always break something, even though I don't ever break anything, but I always get blamed. Thanks.
Zim: I didn't say you could touch that!
Mike-the-Brother (whiny): But I neeeed it! It's for skool, really!
Zim: I don't want to come home to find my internet history full of Pokemon sites again.
Mike-the-Brother: Don't worry about that…
Zim: Good.
Mike-the-Brother: I'm not playing Pokemon right now, I'm playing Survival Kids.
Zim: ….stay away from my computer!
Mike-the-Brother: Oh…alright…I'll just go tell Mom that I'm going to get an F on my project…she'll be really disappointed…and probably hopping mad…
Zim (picturing KidK's Mom hopping mad): Wait, I may have been a bit too hasty there, Mike. Here, by all means, please use my internet connection.
Mike-the-Brother: Thanks! By the way, what did you mean 'come home?' Where do you think you're going?
Zim: I think I'm going to KidK's skool to pick up Gir.
Mike-the-Brother: Oh, man, he actually got there? I hope he didn't tell my sister I'm the one who mailed him!
Zim: So you're responsible for this inconvenience?!
Mike-the-Brother: Yeah, please don't tell her.
Zim: Please don't fill my hard drive up with stupid downloads this time.
Mike-the-Brother: It's a deal!
Zim: Fine. And now I must go inform your parental unit that I am going out.
Mike-the-Brother: Heh, you hafta check with Mom before you can leave…some Invader!
Zim: I am not listening to you, pathetic human! Tallest, I hadn't realized how annoying you are until KidK wasn't around to stop you from…annoying me!
Mike-the-Brother: Whatever. Byyyyye, Invader Momma's Boy!
Zim: Goodbye. I will vaporize you upon my return. (he goes upstairs to find KidK's Mom) Pardon me, Mrs. KidK's Mom, but I must inform you that I am leaving the house now.
KidK's Mom: Where are you going?
Zim: To…the store. Yes, I must go to the store and…buy…things.
KidK's Mom: That sounds pretty fishy to me. What are you really up to?
Zim (now he's mad): You can stop your word probe right now, for I will not be telling you anything else! I don't have to if I don't feel like it, because I am not your child!
KidK's Mom (uh ohhhh): You listen here, mister. As long as you live in this house you go by my rules, understand? Or maybe you'd rather move out and not take advantage of the free room and board anymore, is that it?
Zim (hurriedly): Oh, no, it's not like that at all, Mrs. KidK's Mom. Not that I need your house or food or anything, but you can't kick me out. Um…KidK needs me. Yes, that's it, she needs me.
KidK's Mom: So…where is it you're going?
Zim: *sigh* I'm going to your daughter's skool to pick up Gir, who mailed himself there with your son's help.
KidK's Mom: Oh. No problem. Will you be back in time for dinner?
Zim: Most likely, but you never know.
KidK's Mom: OK, see you later.
Zim: You know, I really thought you'd make more of a fuss about this.
KidK's Mom: Why? I'm completely used to you and Gir and your weirdness, since I've been dealing with it for almost six months now. Try not to get hurt, because I don't know Irken first aid.
Zim (shocked): How do you know I'm--
KidK's Mom (with a wink): I'm a mother. I know everything that goes on in this house. Don't worry, I won't tell anybody.
Zim (unnerved by all this): O…kay…I'll just go, then.
At about the time Zim is blasting off in his Cruiser, KidK and Gir are enjoying a rousing game of Hide the Shoe. That is, Gir has hidden KidK's shoe, and now she's trying to find it.
KidK: Gir, where did my shoe go?
Gir (stifling a giggle): I…heehee…I don't know…
KidK: Diane, have you seen my other black shoe?
Diane: Wasn't it on your foot?
Cheyenne: Wow, Diane, that was a good joke!
Diane: I know! I'm gonna call Damey and tell him!
Cheyenne: That'd be really cool!
Diane: Yeah, it would be!
KidK: Thanks for your help, Diane. Gir, are you sure you don't know where my shoe is? Because I'm wearing black socks, and I don't want to wear white sneakers, which are the only kind of shoes that I'll have if I can't find the other black one. Not that I really care about fashion or anything, but the girls in my seminar would probably make mention of it, because they do care.
Gir: It's not in the hamper!
KidK: Oh, really?
Gir: No! Don't look in there, because it's not there! Heeheeheeeee!
KidK (smiling): You know, Gir, I'll bet you know where that shoe is, and I bet I know how I can get you to tell me! (she pounces on him and starts tickling)
Gir: Wheeeeeeeeheeheeeheeeee!
KidK: Now are you gonna tell me, or do I hafta keep tickling you?
Gir: Tickle tickle! Heeheeee!
KidK (stopping): Well, that didn't work. Odd, it always works on Zim…OK, here's something fun. Gir, if you find my shoe, I'll give you a prize!
Gir: Really? A prize?
KidK: Yup! A good prize! The best prize ever!
Gir: OK! Now, lesseee…hmmmm…(he's thinking real hard) Hmmmmmm! I know! It's in…the hamper!
KidK: I thought you said it wasn't there.
Gir (shrugging): Now it is!
KidK (blankly): Just give me the shoe.
Gir: Here ya go! (he pops the shoe out of his head)
KidK: I thought it was in the hamper.
Gir: It's not?
KidK (laughing): Gir, you're so goofy! Now, what can I give you for a prize…oh, here, have some jellybeans!
Gir: You got jellybeans?!
KidK: Yeah, Mom gave me some to have up here with me. Have as many as you want, cuz I can always con her into buying me more.
Diane (on the phone): So then I said, 'Wasn't it on your foot?' Hahahahahaaaa! Hey, how come you're not laughing? Don't you think I'm funny?
Cheyenne: It was totally funny, Diane.
Diane: Damey, say it was funny! You know it was! (pause) You're a jerk! (she slams the phone down) I hate Damien, Cheyenne!
Cheyenne: He didn't laugh at your joke? What a jerk!
Diane: That's just what I said!
Cheyenne: Hey, I read your mind!
KidK (thinking): You were sitting right there when she said it, you moron… Ooo, my thingy's beepin'. Hey, Zim! You here already?
Zim: Yes. Now come down here and return my robot slave to me.
KidK: OK! Come on, Gir, let's go!
Gir: Byyyyye, funny ladies!
Cheyenne: Bye Gir! I luv you!
Diane: I luv you more than she does!
Cheyenne: No way!
As they bicker, KidK and Gir head downstairs. KidK brings her backpack, which is already all packed up for her 4:30 seminar. This is because she has a diabolical plan in mind.
KidK: Zimmy! Yaaaaay!
Zim: Whoa! Hey, what's your problem?!
KidK: I'm so happy to see you!
Zim: You just saw me on Monday. That was two days ago.
KidK: Two days too many! Now gimme a hug!
Zim: Noooo! There's all these people watching!
KidK: I won't take no for an answer. (she grabs him)
Security Girl: Oh, is that your boyfriend?
KidK (dropping Zim): No.
Security Girl: Well, you certainly act like it!
KidK and Zim: *blush blush*
Gir: Can we have fun now?
KidK: That's just what I was thinking. Let's go to the campus bookstore!
Gir: Whee!
Zim: Wait a minute. I'm not here to go traipsing all over the countryside with you. I'm here to collect Gir and go home.
KidK: Aw, but Zimmy! There's only a half-hour left until my class. You can stay for just a little while, can't you?
Zim: How do I always get myself into these things? Fine. Let's go to the campus bookstore, if that is where you'd like to go.
KidK: I knew you'd see it my way. You luv me good, huh? (Fillerbunny reference)
Zim: No!
Gir: Come on, guys! (he takes his friends' hands and starts skipping) Weeeee're off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of Oz!
KidK: Whoa, hey, Gir, you're gonna make me trip!
Zim: Sometimes, I don't even know why I bother trying to act normal, when there's people like you on this planet.
KidK: You were trying to act normal?! I didn't notice. I don't ever try to act normal, myself. Normal means having to pretend you like hanging around with average people.
Zim: Yes! You should only hang around with above-average people…like me!
KidK: Oh, you're above-average all right. Above-average ego! But that's part of why I luv you, I suppose…
Zim: Oh, and by the way, this 'love' business has got to stop.
KidK: I never said 'love.' I said 'luv.' There's a difference.
Zim: Really?
KidK: Totally!
Zim: Huh…you people are insane, you know that?
KidK: Yup! Oh, good, we're here! I just wanted to buy Gir a candy bar as a reward for not causing too much trouble today.
Gir: Can I have a 3 Musketeers?
KidK: Sure. It's pumped up!
Gir: You like that show too?
Cashier Hag: That'll be a dollar ninety-nine.
KidK: Um, you're supposed to ask me if I belong to the co-op. And then I say yes and give you my card.
Cashier Hag (vacantly): Do you belong to the co-op?
KidK: Yes. (she hands over her debit card) It's nice to know that you know how to do your job.
Cashier Hag: …….I'm not gonna give you four quarters for a dollar, Juan, so don't even ask me!
KidK: Pardon?
Cashier Hag (screeching): I'm not a change machine!
KidK (freaked out): I never…said you were…and my name's not Juan.
Cashier Hag: Just get outta my store, you thievin' kids!
Gir: Eeeeeeeeek! She's gonna eat me!
KidK: Yeah, let's get outta here! (they run out onto the sidewalk)
Juan (who had been hiding behind the postcard display): Hey, lady, can you give me four quarters for a dollar?
Cashier Hag: Aaaaaaargh! (note: true story)
Outside, Gir begins munching on his prize. Then, something catches his eye. It is a duck. You see, right next to the campus bookstore is a small pond known as Passion Puddle. Ducks live there. Lots of them. Lots of dirty, evil-eyed, bad-tempered ducks. Gir likes ducks.
Gir: Hey, ducky! Wanna play with me?
Duck: Quack! (translation: 'Go away before I pinch you!')
Gir: He likes me! Want a bite of my 3 Musketeers, little Duck Man?
Duck: Quack! ('The time for pinching is drawing near!')
Gir: I'm gonna go pet the duck.
KidK: Gir, that's not a good idea!
Duck: Quack! ('That's it! You're in for the pinch of a lifetime, buddy!')
Zim: Hey, you bird creature! Get your filthy beak off my slave robot!
Duck (flapping wildly): Quack! ('Oh, you want a piece of me, too, big shot? Bring it on!')
Gir: Look, all his friends are coming over! I wanna chase 'em!
Gir takes off after the ducks, which--like ducks everywhere--do not simply fly away. Instead, they waddle along very quickly, trying to keep away from Gir but too stupid to take the easy way out.
Gir: Come back, duckies! Let's quack together!
Ducks: Quack quack quack quack quack! ('This guy is nuts! Let us lead him on a merry chase in the hope that he will become drowsy. Then we shall move in for the kill!')
Zim: Gir, get back here! You ducks better not damage my property, or you will know the wrath of Zim! Come on, KidK, don't just stand there!
He grabs KidK's hand and drags her along after Gir, who is pursuing the ducks with great persistence. Around and around the pond they go, until finally the ducks give up and fly away.
Duck: Quack quack! ('You may have won this time, dog creature, but we will be back!')
Gir: Aw, man! They left me…hiiiii, Master!
Zim (all out of breath--awww): Don't you…'hi' me…Gir. What were you…thinking…running off like…that?
KidK: Yeah, Gir, Zim's nearly pulled my arm out of its socket! And--oh, man, it's time to go to class! Come on, guys, or we'll be late!
Now it's her turn to grab Zim and run off, Gir skipping along after them. Within moments, they arrive outside the door to KidK's classroom.
Zim: Well, I guess this is it.
KidK: Yeah…
Gir: I don't wanna go home, Missy! I wanna stay with you and the funny ladies!
KidK: I know you do, Gir, but it just wouldn't work out. Now you go with Zim and go see Mommy and Daddy and Mikey, and--
Teacher Lady (opening the door): Hi, Melissa! I thought I heard you out here. Are these two your visitors for the day?
KidK: Yeah, but--
Teacher Lady: Well come on in!
Zim: But I don't want to--
KidK (fierce whisper): Just come in! This teacher actually seems to like me, and I don't want to screw that up by telling her she's wrong about something!
Zim: How long is this class?
KidK: It's a seminar, so it's supposed to be three hours. But it usually only lasts for two.
Zim: Two hours?!
KidK: It'll go by really fast, I promise.
Meanwhile, Gir has already gone right in and made himself at home. This seminar, Women's Issues in Higher Education, was one of four you could pick to take as part of the scholar's program. I didn't pick it, cuz women's studies isn't my thing, but it was the only one that'd fit into my schedule. Because this class is exclusive to the Douglass honors program, it was one of only two that I had this past semester that was all-girls. SAL was the other one. That's right. I had two women's studies classes on Wednesday, and I am not a feminist. It was almost as weird as high skool Religion class.
Random Student Raquel: Oh, look! It's the little green dog Trish told me about!
Random Student Lisa: Yeah, we were just saying how we hoped you'd bring it to class, Melissa! (I grow weary of putting my real name in here. Just thought I'd let you know)
KidK: Well, here he is. This is Gir.
Random Student Beth: Oh, and who's that guy there?
KidK: This is my best friend, Zim. He's Gir's owner.
Lisa: Really? Did you make him yourself?
Zim: No.
Raquel: Well, where'd you buy him?
Zim: Nowhere.
Teacher Lady: That's funny--you didn't buy it but you didn't make it either?
KidK (a brilliant idea): It was a gift! Yeah, that's it!
Zim: Riiiiight. And so I don't know where it came from!
Beth: Ohhhh, okay! Well, anyway, it's cute!
Random Student Helga: You're cute too, green kid!
Zim: I have a name, you know. And I am not cute! And--why is this classroom full of females?!
Teacher Lady: Oh, this is an all-women seminar, but we don't mind you sitting in for tonight, do we?
Everyone: Nooooooo. Heehee.
Teacher Lady: Well, then, let's get started, shall we? You guys can just take any seats you want, because we've got so many extras.
Gir: Yay! I get my own desk this time!
KidK: Gir, make sure you're good.
Gir: I'm gonna draw some more!
KidK: You do that.
Teacher Lady: Now, I believe we left off with learning about some of the most famous founders of women's colleges across the nation. Who remembers who Indiana Fletcher Williams is?
Raquel: Well, she founded Sweet Briar and blah blah blah memorial blah blah model of charity.
Teacher Lady: OK, she was the last one on the list. So now we can go on to learning things that make women's colleges so great for teaching women--much better than co-ed institutions which perpetrate the blah blah blah patriarchal blah blah traditional blah stereotypes…
This goes on for quite some time. You're not interested in what the teacher had to say. Though, looking back, it was kind of interesting. What people believe is fascinating, really. It's just…well…this is a fanfiction, not a class, and I had to pay good money to learn this stuff! Wait, no I didn't, I've got a free ride…well, anyway, you can't know! So there! An hour later…
Teacher Lady: So, as you can see, women who graduate from women's colleges are far more likely to have been treated as productive students during their college careers and thus have the self-esteem they need to succeed in the workplace.
Gir: Yaaaaay!
Teacher Lady: Does anyone have any questions? Yes…Zim, was it?
Zim: Yes. What you've been saying is quite interesting. I just want to make sure I understand--males try to oppress females?
Teacher Lady (trying to be funny): What planet are you from?
Zim: The same planet as you, I assure you!
KidK: Zim's from another country.
Teacher Lady (suspiciously): Well, most countries are just as bad as the U.S. if not worse…
KidK: It's a very good country.
Teacher Lady: Oh. Well, to answer your question, Zim, blah blah blah blah blah blah…
After another half-hour of this…
Teacher Lady: And, in sum, women have always been oppressed since the dawn of time.
Zim: Really. How horrible, to treat your own kind in such a way.
Helga: Wow, you totally get it! Even though you're a guy!
Beth: Hang on to this one, Melissa, he's husband material!
KidK: He's not my boyfriend!
Lisa: Can I have him, then?
Zim: No!
Teacher Lady: Back to the matter at hand, women's colleges help women to get past the problems of the male-dominated society we live in.
Zim: Excuse me, but this is a women's college, correct?
Teacher Lady: Uh huh! The oldest in New Jersey.
Zim: Good.
Teacher Lady: Why?
Zim: Oh, no reason, really. I just wanted to make sure my friend here is getting a proper education.
Raquel: Oh, that's so sweet!
After ooo-ing and ah-ing for a little while longer over Zim's uncharacteristic compassion, the girls realize that class is over and it's time to go home. Now it's nearly 7 PM, and it's already dark outside.
Zim: Now can I go home?
Gir: Noooooo!
KidK: Well, you've at least gotta walk back to the dorm with me, since the Cruiser's there.
They walk. The campus is very quiet now, as it always if it isn't either almost time for a period to begin or just after a period ends. Because the seminar has technically gotten out early (it's supposed to go until 7:30), the place seems deserted. After a few minutes, they arrive at the residence hall.
KidK: It was nice of you to spend so much time with me today, guys.
Gir: I missed you soooo much!
KidK: I missed you too. You sure you don't want to come up for a minute?
Gir: I want to! I wanna say goodbye to the funny ladies!
Zim: Funny ladies?
KidK: My roommate and her little pal.
Zim: Oh. Well, then, let's go already.
KidK (disbelief!): You want to stay longer?
Zim: We can't disappoint the funny ladies, now can we?
KidK: Right. Yeah. (thinking) Huh. He can just be really nasty and impatient for an entire day, and then he goes and does something nice like this. I wonder… Come on!
They go upstairs to KidK's room, where Diane and Cheyenne have not moved an inch in the past three hours.
Diane (on the phone): So you're sorry? (pause) OK, I love you Damey! Kissy kissy! Bye!
Cheyenne: I knew Damien was a nice guy all along. Oh look! Gir's back! Hiiii Gir!
Gir: Hiiii, funny lady! I made you a picture!
Cheyenne: How cuuuute!
Diane: Ooooo, this must be your boyfriend, right Melissa?!
Zim (losing it): For the last time! I am not her boyfriend! Get it?!
Diane: Well you don't hafta be rude. Who are you, anyway?
KidK: Diane, meet Zim. Zim, Diane.
Diane: Oh yeeeaaaaah…I remember you from her pictures. The short green kid!
Zim: And you are the beast-girl who always keeps KidK up all night.
Diane: KidK? I don't know anyone like that.
Zim: I'm talking about her, monkey.
Diane (utterly oblivious to insults): Ohhhh, is that your nickname, Melissa?
KidK: Yes, but it's--
Diane: That's so cute! I'll call you that from now on, OK…KidK?
KidK: Why not? (thinking) Better than her calling me Missy, I suppose.
Cheyenne: So what've you been up to lately, Gir?
Gir: We got a 3 Musketeers at the store and the lady yelled at us!
Cheyenne: Yeah, she's always screaming about something.
Diane (all haughty): We have a theory that she's…special, if you know what I mean.
KidK (thinking): You mean 'like Cheyenne?'
Gir: And then we met some ducks! I chased them, but they flew away.
Cheyenne: That's so sweet…chasing ducks…
KidK: You wouldn't think it was sweet if you were being dragged around and around the pond by your arm.
Zim: I said I was sorry!
KidK: No you didn't. But that's okay, I forgive you.
Diane (having a thought--amazing!): Um…so you were holding hands and running around the pond?
KidK (trying to dispel any more boyfriend rumors): He grabbed me! It wasn't on purpose or anything!
Diane: But how many times did you go around?
KidK: I don't know.
Zim: Three. It was definitely three, because I remember passing that bench three times.
Diane (gleeful): Oh, that's great! Heehee!
KidK: What's great, Diane?
Cheyenne: You don't know?
KidK: Know what?
Cheyenne: Do you wanna tell 'em, Diane, or should I?
Diane: *giggle* You go ahead, Cheyenne!
Cheyenne: Well…that pond is called Passion Puddle for a reason!
Zim: I didn't know it was called that at all.
Diane: Well it is! Now shut up, silly!
Cheyenne: The thing is, if a man and a woman walk around that pond three times holding hands…(she bursts out laughing)
Zim: What? What are you trying to say?
Cheyenne: If--heehee--you do that…*snicker*…then that means…
Diane: You're engaged! Eeeheeeheeeeee!
Gir: Yay! A wedding! Can I be the ring bear? ('Little Bill' reference)
Zim looks at KidK. KidK looks at Zim. They blush crimson.
Zim: No way!
KidK: Yeah, that's just a silly superstition!
Cheyenne: Maybe…
Diane: *giggle* Maybe not!
The End!
I Told You It'd Be Surprising!
Duck: Quack! ('Ah, our revenge is complete!')
1/11/01--2:47 PM