Hi guys! This is a oneshot! Sorry if there are typos, posted it in a rush. Hope you enjoy!
"James, darling," Lily called, voice sweet and unfocused like it always was while she was multitasking, or better known as talking to James and cooking. "I've poured you a cup of pumpkin juice; you'd better hurry if you don't want to be late to work."
James was in his study, thumbs jammed into his pockets and pacing back and forth the small room. His disheveled appearance declared his inner turmoil without a word from his mouth; black hair more tousled than usual, glasses askew, shirt untucked and wand protruding awkwardly from his back pocket from his slouch. He barely lifted his head at the sound of Lily's voice coming from the doorway, let alone all the way from the ten step journey to the kitchen.
"Knock knock," Lily said, standing by the mahogany door frame. "Mind if I come in?"
He nodded wordlessly, barely turning his body to acknowledge her presence.
Lily took a moment to drink in her husband's appearance. She noticed that his mouth was quirked downwards in a slight scowl and that his pinkies were twitching rapidly in an unnamed rhythm against his pockets. This had only happened a few times before, and there was only one plausible explanation that Lily could supply. Her heart suddenly plunged into her stomach as she realized what was coming.
James took this moment to look at her, and it was possibly the worst time possible to gage her expression. Lily's eyes were unreadable, but the peridot, mossy green crystals flecked with darker emerald dashes shone beneath the coating of unshed tears. Her hands came together in a weave in front of her chest as she leaned her weight on the polished wood of the door frame.
"You're leaving again, aren't you," she said. It wasn't a question; there was no doubt of it at this point.
James nodded, guilt nearly dripping off from his eyebrows that were drooping to a point where he almost looked pitiful. His eyes were hollow, clear brown hazel taking on a shade of hazy gray. From his sideways glance at Lily, she could read him so clearly; he wasn't even trying to mask his emotions. There he stood, vulnerable for everyone to see.
He took the one, two, three strides to close the space between Lily and himself, taking a moment to look at her properly, not like he had before from the corner of his eyes.
He grabbed her arms and pulled her to him, engulfing her in a nearly bone-crushing hug. He pressed his lips to her hair, inhaling her scent of daisies and strawberries that he was most likely not to smell again for a long time.
Lily simply stood there, not daring to move in case James took it as a cue to let go of her. She wrapped her arms around his waist and held him close to her, forehead pressed against the rough fabric of his tie.
"How long?" she asked, voice careful.
James cupped her cheek and ran his thumb over her cheekbone, expression unfathomable.
"Lily, you know I have no way of knowing," he said quietly, hanging his head so that she couldn't see him. "I'm sorry."
Lily smiled gently, admiring her husband's stoic demeanor. He was an idiot for being that way; she was his wife, after all. But it was very admirable.
She grabbed his wrist and held it where it was on her cheek, pressing a soft kiss to his palm. He turned his face to look at her, eyes clouded with tears of his own.
"I know you have to go, James, there's nothing either of us can do about this," she said, trying to sound comforting and sure though she herself was not. "Just remember that when you come back I'll be here, alright? I'll be here."
James nodded solemnly, pulling Lily to his chest once more. "I love you, Lily, don't you forget that. I will come back for you, I promise. I will come back."
They shared a quick kiss and he pulled away quickly, much to Lily's annoyance.
James smiled playfully, the first time he'd felt happy that day. "I'll get to kiss you again when I come back," he said, winking, leaning down to brush his lips on the tip of her nose. "And Lily, dear, if it makes you feel better, Padfoot is coming too."
And with that, he was off, out the door and disapparated.
Lily looked around his quiet study, his old school textbooks stacked on the built-in shelves. She strode over to his desk where the daily prophet was sitting with his spare glasses and a few photographs of him and his friends.
She sighed quietly to herself, knowing that this house of theirs would be empty for quite some time before James would come back to her again.
The next morning, Lily woke up in an empty bed all alone, the dent in James' mattress the only proof of him ever having been there. She kept her eyes closed for a bit longer after her muggle alarm clock went off like she did every morning, expecting a kiss on the temple or a pat on the arm accompanied with a dopey "good morning." But none came, and she got out of bed.
She drank her morning cup of pumpkin juice alone and chewed on her bagel, a childhood, muggle thing that she had kept her liking for. The seat across from hers was empty; there was no black crop of tousled hair sticking up from a copy of the daily prophet, no goofy grin to look at her and thank her for breakfast. Lily took another sip of juice and shoved the last bit of bagel into her mouth, purposely leaving a few crumbs on her cheek. But then she looked up and remembered that there was no James there to roll her eyes at her and swat them off with a napkin. And there wouldn't be for a very long time.
Lily took another glance around the house, eyes unsmiling and lacking the light that they usually glowed with. And without another thought, she disapparated, looking for somewhere else to go.
But no matter what she tried whether she was strolling around Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley or even muggle London, she couldn't get her mind off of her missing companion. She worried for his safety, whether or not he would return from this auror mission safely.
At everything she saw, everywhere she went, there was a memory with him. The fountain that they had gone to with Remus and Sirius and the two fought over who was going to take the picture for James and his "long-awaited love" dancing around like children, or Ollivander's Wand Shop where she had actually seen James for the first time with his parents that looked so much like him, giddy and jumping around with an immature sense of excitement in finally getting his wand, and even the London Eye that they had dreamed of riding reminded her of James. There wasn't a single thing that they didn't share, and in retrospect, Lily was glad, because that meant that they were the inseparable married couple with every memory and every thought together.
She walked around alone with no one by her side, only wishing that James was there too.
Months at a time passed; Lily grew more and more weary and worried by the minute, and each day nearly passed by at all without Lily chewing on her nails and pulling her hair out. James had left only once before, and he returned within a few days, and Lily had left before and it had been fine because she had something to keep her mind off of James. The first time James left, Lily was a wreck. But since he had returned within three days, it had been okay.
Lily was expecting the same to happen, except for the fact that it had now been four months since she had last seen him. She counted the seconds of each day and barely slept through the unmoving stillness of the night. She grew accustomed to sleeping at the door so that in case he walked in, she would be the first he would see.
But morning after morning she was awaken by her own racking sobs, eyes puffy and dried out from the countless tears she had shed by night. Certain mornings she would refuse to even open her eyes, trying to lure herself into a dream in which James would be there by her side to wake her up with his lips on her hair or her cheek or her shoulder.
And day after day, no such dream came. And week after week, James didn't come back.
But Lily never gave up. She bathed and worked and cooked like normal, minus the time spent by the window or by the door waiting for him to come back. Yes, she was a wreck, but she did well trying to resume normal life; she only showed weakness when she was alone. Her spasms and tears were controlled to when no one else saw her; any of her coworkers would not have sensed a change in her meticulous bun and rigorous work schedule everyday. She studied and wrote reports and worked as hard as she usually would, and frankly, was quite happy with the distraction provided at hand so that she could get her mind off of something that was seemingly so out of the picture.
Yet by nightfall, her facade would fade away and dignified Lily Evans Potter would be reduced to a ball of nervous hysterics, crouched by the doorway in a blanket just waiting for James to come home.
It had been near a year since James had disappeared. No owl from the ministry telling her that he was reported missing or dead, but it was next to no better when she was alone.
One would think that Lily would have recovered by now, but her loneliness was something that could not be ignored, like an unfading scar on the back of your hand that you can't help but see.
She waited by the door as sleep repeatedly evaded her, and there she sat night after night, waiting.
Until the one night when she heard something. It was a howl of a dog, a howl that could not be mistaken. It was pleading and urgent, the cry of a black hound with untrimmed, shaggy fur. A kind pup that Lily knew all too well. Sirius.
She threw down her blanket, grabbed her wand and sprinted to out the door. Silently casting a few spells to reveal all surrounding and present people, she found Padfoot in no time with a stag next to him.
Relief pulsed through her veins and though she was running faster than ever before, she felt a sense of peace spread throughout her body as she could finally be sure that James was here.
Once she was close enough and within his line of sight, Lily beamed and shouted his name.
"James! James, oh James you're here!" she cried, getting closer with every stride she took. But no matter how fast she ran or how long she went for, it seemed only as if she was on a treadmill and she was making no progress at all. James and Sirius stayed at the same distance as they had been to begin with, and all of a sudden, from nowhere, a jet of green light shot out from her right side.
"James! JAMES!" she cried with urgency in the suddenly slowed down milliseconds that the light flew through the air. But to no avail.
The light hit the stag in the neck and it collapsed to the ground, transforming back into his human form. James laid there and as fast as Lily ran, she couldn't get any closer to throw her arms around him and mourn for him and tell his unhearing ears that she loved him. And as Lily yelled and sobbed from her unmoving position choking on the cries stuck in her throat with hair and tears clouding her vision, James began to fade into the distance, Sirius appearing to have fled when the curse was fired. The fallen man was still on the ground, leg bent at a funny angle that was even visible from so far away. The last thing Lily saw was from up close; his smile, full of relief and joy at seeing her again that had died with him in that very moment.
"James!" she yelled into the black void, still running forward. "JAMES! JAMES POTTER!"
But as much as she tried, nothing worked.
And she was then awoken by a loud knock on the door, and the sound of her name. "Lily! Lily open the door!"
But Lily kept her eyes shut, tears staining her pale face with her fiery red hair tousled and unkempt from rolling around against the door. The voice she heard was not real, it was nothing but another figment of her dreams. The thought made her sob even more.
"LILY EVANS POTTER, OPEN THIS DOOR!" the man cried, banging urgently on the door. "Lily! Oh, Merlin, Alohamora!" he cried, and the door bursted open, shoving Lily roughly to the side.
Lily kept her eyes closed. If this man was not who she thought it was, then let her be killed, for she had no one else to live for.
Suddenly, strong hands gripped her sides and pulled her upright. Arms wrapped around her and she felt her hair being stroked. Lily Evans Potter opened her eyes, not willing to believe what was happening.
"Sh, Lily, shh I'm back it's okay it's okay," he said gently, pressing his lips to her hair between words. "Lily, darling, please stop crying, you're not imagining me, I'm back, I swear to you, I'm back."
Suddenly, in a fit of distrust and rage, she grabbed the man's collar and whipped her wand out of her pocket that she had placed it in before her sleep. Shoving him back, she pointed her wand at his face and growled for all she was worth.
"What was the name, if you really are who I think you are, that we agreed on if we were to have a son?" she spat, green eyes clouded with fury.
A surprised looking James softened his shocked gaze and chuckled lightly and kept smiling despite the fact that it made Lily increase her grip on his collar.
"If you are indeed the Lily Evans Potter that I have come back for, I believe that we were going to name our son Harry James Potter," he said in his natural voice, sarcastic and good-natured.
Lily's eyes unclouded and her grip slackened. Her mouth twitched once, twice, and she fell into his arms, breathing in his scent that she had so missed. She wept silently and treasured the feeling of his strong arms wrapped around her, protecting her from any harm that was to come.
James rubbed soothing circles on her back and rubbed his hand over his hair, and Lily didn't mind that it was blackened with grime and dirt.
"James, I love you, oh Merlin, you're back," she sputtered, words nearly incoherent, but said in a way that only James could understand.
"Shh, Lily, it's okay, I'm back, and I won't ever leave you, I love you too much for my own good" James soothed, whispering into her hair.
He pressed his lips tenderly to hers, fulfilling his promise of kissing her again once he came back.
After they broke apart, Lily spoke. "James, you have to promise me one thing," she said desperately, peridot eyes shining with sincerity.
"Anything, love," James replied, voice filled with care.
"Just, just don't leave me. I know you have to go on auror missions again, but you can't die, okay?" she said, cupping his face in her hands. His chin was prickly from only having shaved a few times in the time that he had been gone. "Just promise me you won't die before me; I need you, you know."
He chuckled and smiled. "I don't plan on it you know, unless that is, I was saving you."
Lily scoffed at his childlike behavior. "No James, we fight together, to the end. That is a promise you are going to have to keep."
It was Halloween, 1981. The Potters were hidden away in their small house in Godric's Hollow as James and Lily looked out the window to see children of all shapes and sizes in costumes of all sorts.
"Spooky, isn't it," James said, trying to loosen the ever present tension and worry that was always in the air.
Lily smiled and nodded slightly, grateful for her husbands amusing attempts. She picked up a jelly bean and plopped it into her mouth.
"Remember that promise you made me a few years ago?" she asked, eyes searching James'.
He knew exactly which one she was talking about. "Yes, Lily, and I meant it," he replied softly, looking her right in the eye. "But I will die for you, and you have to know that too."
She smiled and shifted her gaze to little Harry who was sleeping peacefully in her arms, rocking him gently when suddenly James looked up and stiffened at what he saw.
"Darling, not to alarm you, but it seems that there is someone headed this way." His voice was tight and his throat was clenched; Lily knew even before she looked up who was there.
The small family of three stood in fear as they watched Lord Voldemort approach their house from the other side of the street, cloaked in black but evil red eyes giving him away easily. The figure opened the gate, and the worst of all their fears had been confirmed.
"Lily," James said with urgency, fear radiating from his composure. "Take the child and go upstairs to the nursery. I'll fight him off."
Lily stood, mouth open wide at what he said. "James! You promised we would go together!" she cried, coming closer to him.
James shook his head, sadness beginning to take him over. "No, Lily, that was before Harry. We have to let him live. Lily, I love you, you know that," he said, wrapping his arms around her briefly and pressing his lips to hers. "Now take him and go!" he shouted as she quickly obeyed, scurrying up the steps as the two separated, wands forgotten.
Lily ran as fast as she could, tears seeping out of her eyes and falling onto Harry's little forehead. Halfway up the steps, the door opened, and about a second later, there was a flash of green, and James Potter had only partially kept his word. He let himself go first, but he knew in the end that it had to be the boy, his little dear son Harry, who lived.
I'm sorry if I've caused you any pain. Comments, questions, concerns or typo notifications, let me know! Thanks for reading! :)
~PianoPanda