So Was I
Yeah, ok so we didn't start strong. Cap is a "rules – follow orders, yes sir, how high sir" kind of guy and me, not so much. Now I get rules and the need for them. Really I do but I cant think in that rigid box. Its too claustrophobic so I have a tendency to throw rules out the window and do my thing which is to solve problems and that involves thinking outside the box.
Cap knew my old man. So did Fury. They both knew a man very different from the one I did and they knew him before I was even a speck in his eye. He was on top of his game then and my old man was smart and still has the ability to take me to school even though he's been dead for awhile. He was courageous and he was loyal. He loved and he cared. That changed somewhere along the way. My father, the man I knew, was cold and calculating. He'd rather work than spend some time with me. Through old films I learn I was his greatest creation. I guess I would have preferred he told me he loved me. As least once anyways.
That day on the helicarrier, I knew I was coming across as egotistical and condescending bastard. Its a personality flaw and yeah I don't work on it much. Its as good a wall as anything else. And it keeps people from getting too close unless I decide to let them in and then I decide how close and how much of me they really see. Anyway, I couldn't help myself, I had to push the Cap's buttons and yeah I knew he was pushing mine too. Too many times before he compared me to my old man and I'm not him. Low blows and the proverbial thrown gauntlet then boom, the shit hit the fan and we had to work together. Thinking back, it was easy. He didn't understand the techno-garble and said so. He stayed there - well as best he could considering he had a bunch of goons taking pot shots at him, waiting for my signal to turn the red lever. I wish had the ability to let the wall down so people could see I really do care and to save life will do what's needed. Afghanistan taught me that. I hope I'm doing right by Yinsen and his gift - my life.
The nuke. Sweet Jesus, all those people in the city and the surrounding miles. So much devastation and nuclear fallout. How the hell could I not do what I did. Yeah sure, memories, nightmares, panic attacks... Okay, ok, PTSD and for that I was played and unleashed that which I envisioned as good and lost something (someone). Jarvis was a cherished member of my family. He sacrificed himself for the good of the world and I miss him. The Vision is okay but he isn't the same, I'm not the same.
The Cap and I learned more about each other and while we still pushed each others buttons, we or at least I thought, we had come far and considered each other friends. At least I did. Then Bucky, aka the Winter Soldier came into the picture and now were fighting one another. There both wailing on me now, each taking turns with Cap's shield, this is a fight to destroy one another and yet he's my friend and earlier he told me he hoped I understood – Bucky was his friend. What about me? So was I...
So was I. Friends don't do this. If I don't fight, I'm dead, if I do, one or both of them are dead. Jarvis! Yinsen! Dad! What do I do? Help me please. This isn't what I signed on for.