The Great Pretender
Rating: Captain
Pairing: Hawkeye/BJ
Disclaimer: Not mine, the series started before I was born and ended when I was 3. I was a bright child but not a genius!
I also don't own the rights to the song in this fic either, it was written more than 20 years before I was born!
I'm not usually one for song fics but I've been listening to some fifties music recently and this song always makes me think of Hawkeye.
There are some tense switches in the text, they are deliberate. There are some minor spoilers for Dear Sigmund, An Eye For A Tooth, Picture This and The Joker Is Wild.
Summary: Post-war, Hawkeye thinks about BJ and what he left behind in Korea.
The war had been over for 2 years, 3 months and 10 days, that meant it was 2 years, 3 months and 10 days since he had seen BJ.
Hawkeye was sitting in a diner just outside Portland, sipping a black coffee, arm trailing lazily over the red leatherette banquette. The noise of the diner faded more and more into the background the longer he sat there. The jumble of voices, the drip of the coffee pot and the hum of the heaters all faded into the distance.
Hawkeye came to the diner every week. Every week he sat on his own in a booth meant for at least two people and every week he drank black coffee, drummed his fingers on the banquette and left alone. It was his respite from the pantomime that had become his life.
Back in Crabapple Cove he was the life and soul of the party (square dance, cook-out or soiree). He cemented his reputation as a ladies man of the first degree, charming, witty and a consummate lover. Despite all his father's (and the matriarchs of the town's) best efforts he had resisted every attempt to make him settle down and add to the population.
Just as he had in Korea, Hawkeye made wisecracks, whispered sweet nothings and walked away whenever anything got too serious. Except in Korea he hadn't walked away when things had got serious, in Korea he had let himself fall in love and now that Korea was two years, 3 months and 10 days away he hadn't yet worked out how to fall back out of love.
A group of high school students entered in a flurry of hats, scarves and letterman jackets. They made a beeline for the jukebox, gathering around it like bees round a honeypot. The jingle of change, followed by the clinking of coins sliding into the machine, followed by the whirring and spinning of the selected disc. Suddenly, the room was filled with a new sound, a new record, released only that week.
Oh-oh, yes I'm the great pretender
Pretending that I'm doing well
My need is such I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no one can tell
Hawkeye usually didn't pay attention to pop music, it made him feel older and more out of touch than usual. However, something about this song made him pay attention.
Oh-oh, yes I'm the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
I've played the game but to my real shame
You've left me to grieve all alone
Later tonight he has a date with Betty Farber, the daughter of the local police chief. He has taken her out a couple of times before and had an okay time but he doesn't feel that spark with her, he hasn't felt that spark in two years, three months and ten days, not since he left Korea, not since he left BJ.
He had got very good at putting on an act, pretending to be the life and soul, the charmer, the ladies' man but that's all it is, a pretence, an act, a charade.
Too real is this feeling of make-believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal
Whenever, he held a woman in his arms, felt her heart beating against his, he pretended that the figure in his arms was taller, stronger, and broader. Whenever he kissed a woman, he pretended that he felt a moustache tickling his lips and stubble grazing his chin. Whenever, he made love to a woman he pretended, that the instead of soft curves, smooth skin and gentle sighs, he felt hard planes, a furry chest and deep groans.
He and BJ spoke on the phone regularly and wrote to each other even more frequently but the phone calls and letters were just part of his pretence. He regaled BJ with tales of his carefree bachelor life in Crabapple Cove and in return BJ told him tales of domestic bliss with Peg, Erin and Waggle. Neither of them wrote anything of any real substance. Neither of them talked about how difficult it was to adjust to life back in the States after so long in Korea. Neither of them talked about how difficult it was to be apart after so long together. They filled their letters with jokes, banter and casual reminiscences of the jokes and banter they had shared at the 4077th. There was, however, no mention of the other, more intimate, things they had shared.
Yes I'm the great pretender
Just laughin' and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I'm not, you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around
Closing his eyes, Hawkeye allowed himself a moment to wallow in the memories of hot, sweaty nights in wrapped around each other and freezing cold nights huddled together for warmth. He remembered the jokes they had played on the camp and each other. The time that BJ had filled Frank's bunker with water and then got Sidney to yell 'AIR RAID,' the escalating war of pranks that had led to Little Mac falling on top of Margaret as she lay in her bunk and how the three of them had got their revenge on Charles. He remembered dancing on the table in the mess tent in his boxer shorts and then shaving off half of BJ's moustache in retaliation. He even remembered the fights with fondness, the way they could rile each other up like no one else, the way it felt to make nice afterwards! When Colonel Potter was painting the group portrait for his wife, he had held onto his private room for a couple of weeks after he made up with BJ and Charles because of the unparalleled opportunities for private time with BJ that it offered.
Too real is this feeling of make-believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal
He was glad to be back in the States, back practising real medicine instead of meatball surgery, eating real food instead of the slop served in the mess tent and seeing his dad in person instead of as words on a page. However, he wasn't glad not to be sleeping three feet away from BJ, not to be seeing him every day, not to be operating back to back and toasting face to face. He missed BJ so much it felt like he had lost an arm, like he was no longer whole but he couldn't tell anyone that, least of all BJ. So he had to pretend that everything was okay. He had to learn to be The Great Pretender.
Yes I'm the great pretender
Just laughin' and gay like the clown
I seem to be what I'm not, you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around