''So was I.''
He didn't understand. It hurt him to hear the desperation behind the phrase, and that he didn't understand. He was his friend, it wasn't a lie, sometimes it was strained and they argued, but they did indeed respect each other and have times where they laughed. He was relieved when he turned out to be alive after falling through the portal, it was a scary few moments to think he would lose another friend. Afterwards he knew that he was welcome to the tower anytime and that sometimes he would call randomly out of the blue just to talk. Hearing him explain that what he saw under Scarlet Witch's control was all of them dead.
It was just hard to explain, that while he was his friend...he wasn't his best friend.
That was reserved for the man he knew as much as he knew himself.
His memories stretch so far back. He remembers skinning his knee as a child and a friendly hand being offered to help him up. Bullies being beat up and sent away from when he was a child all the way up to the war. Being forced to play dolls with his sister when they had to babysit her. Walking home from school everyday and always having one of them coming home with the other until dinner. Pulling the couch cushions onto the floor and making a fort with 'no girls allowed' written in crayon and taped to the side. Starting the first day of school together so they weren't as nervous up until they graduated.
He remembers having to ask a girl what she thought of his friend and watching him have his first kiss and surpass him in the romantic category by the time they were thirteen. Sneaking out every night to go to the others house and their parents know, but don't care. Helping each other with homework and getting distracted and making up ridiculous excuses to the teacher as to why half the assignment was unfinished. Teachers constantly having to put them in opposite ends of the classroom and sending home letters about how they are never on task. Going to school dances together because they could never find girls who wanted to go with both.
Even though all the girls wanted him and all the guys wanted to be him, he never left him behind, always stayed in with him and made jokes even though he was invited to ten different parties that night. The arguments about how he told him that he was holding him back and that he shouldn't be his friend because he was better than him and what could he possibly want with a sickly little guy like him. The three fist fights they had the whole time they knew each other because it's inevitable not to when you are brothers and have been together for so many years.
All the times he had to lie about where they were going, and that he totally wasn't with a girl last night, he was at my house. They made each other both keep to the rules and rebellious. The millions of sleepovers pushing each other off the bed, and staying up under the blankets with a flashlight, pranking each other while the other slept.
He remembers when his father died, he sat on the couch with the other silently, neither has to say anything to know what they were thinking. When his mother died shortly after and the offer was made to get a place together. They did, and it only made them closer.
Forgetting their key and waiting for the other to get home, having debates about what to have for dinner, being sick and the other making soup, scared to death that they wouldn't get rent paid on time, cleaning rooms together while listening to music, hearing each other sing in the shower, falling alseep on the couch under one blanket listening to the radio show.
All these things happened over the years and they spent it making each other laugh so hard that what they were drinking came out their nose and their cheeks turned red. Making secret handshakes that they never used. Holding breath contests he always lost to. Going to see a new movie and leaving the theater blown away. Countless hugs, arguments, jokes, holidays, parties, sleepless nights, events, telling people they were brothers, sharing advice, detentions, making up stories, getting girls numbers, double dating, calling each other out, learning each others fears, hopes, dreams, secrets. What did it amount to.
Yeah, he knew him more than he knew himself.
Like how after he found him with his arm stuck in that vice, the first time he saw him sleep on the couch in Sam's living room, curled up and stiff. He knows, after seeing him sleep like a starfish for years always with at least one limb hanging off, being awoken by him kicking him in his sleep, and his snoring, and the movement of the bed from him constantly moving around. He knows, that's not how his Bucky sleeps.
Planning an attack on the other side and Ant-Man makes a joke that has everyone laughing. He smiles and chuckles, and he knows. Years of him having the loudest laugh in the room, screaming in laughter and cackling and slapping the table like how he slaps his chest, how he would spit out what he was drinking, his laugh was always the one that was most there in a crowd of people, it was most open. This time, he barely even heard his laugh, and he knows, that's not how his Bucky laughs.
Stocking up on food and seeing him clean his plate, it's normal, not too fast or too slow, just...normal, and he knows. He would pick at his food, and take forever to eat, he was always too busy talking and making gestures with his fork, that he would finish eating last. He's quiet and he finishes first. He knows, that's not how his Bucky eats.
He knows that Bucky's afraid of spiders, their small apartment he always had to squish the spiders, and when he sees him watching a spider crawl across the floor without batting an eye, he knows that it's not the same.
Every time he smiles, or stares, or talks, or even makes a damn expression, he knows it's not him, he knows that not how he does it, and if Bucky had his memories, he would tell Steve that he doesn't do anything the way he's use to either.
Like how he should know that he's usually much more aware of his surroundings and should know that Spider-man is coming up behind him to shoot him with webbing. How he doesn't run the same way, like it's a sped up jog, but now he doesn't use his arms as much, and especially since his memories mostly contain him half the size, maybe he would remember more if he wasn't so tall and muscular.
However, when Steve smiles, he gets flashes of him laughing as they crawl under blankets, and push each other playfully while walking down the street, because his smile is the same. When he runs Steve sees them playing tag on the school playground, because Bucky runs the same way. When he wakes up laying on the ground he sees Steve taking a stance towards Iron Man, and he sees a flash of him in a war uniform finding him getting punched in a back alley, because Steve fights the same way. He remembers him giving him piggy back rides up the stairs, and falling down because he tripped, Bucky carries things the same way.
Most importantly, when they hug after finding each other, they both see the thousands of hugs they gave each other, all the way through their lifes, they both hug the same way as before, because they both still care about each other the same way.
It's hard to explain to Tony, that while he is important to him, how do you compare to Bucky who was the only thing he had for so long, and Steve is now the only thing that Bucky has.
They both know each other better than anyone else.
Because when he says ''Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky.'' He means it.