Meanings & Secrets

The case at hand was a tough one. A young high school student had come forward on her blog that she may had been assaulted. Olivia and Amanda were sent to go and talk to the girl. Her parents had described her as a sweet girl who had a lot of friends. She had been blogging all day about a party she and her friends were going to. Unbeknownst to her what was going to happen at the party. Amanda the victim had taken to getting high with her friends and had passed out. So what eventually happened was that she was slut shamed, her body written on with sharpie. The worst of the ordeal was her being sexually assaulted. .

The case progressed and the girl didnt want to testify. They had three boys that were all suspected of a part in the assault. The young girl posted to her blog how everything was fine and she was just gonna go back like it never happened. Having lost a college girl years back to the depression she immediately picked up that this victim was what they call 'pink clouding'. So back to the young woman's house they went. As they talked to her, telling her they wanted to get her justice and that they wanted these people to face repurcussions of their actions. The girl at first just wanted to give up and let it go. She had changed everything about herself and didnt want any reminders. Amanda felt her pain she really did.

You see what noone knew was detective Rollins felt that girls pain more than they knew. It wasnt just empathy for the victim or putting herself in the victims shoes. She actually knew what this girl was feeling. Not only did they share the same name "Amanda" what noone knew was that they shared the same past. Olivia watched Amanda as she interacted with the victim with her name sake. She realized Amanda was going to reveal a dark secret, that in an effort to show the victim she wasn't alone she was going to bare her dark secret. Amanda began talking bout reputations and things. She then told how it had actually happened to her. She rolled up her sleeve to show a white tattoo, which those arent seen often on people but it was simple cursive writing "Amanda" just to show herself that she was always "Amanda and that things like that wouldnt define her." Olivia standing by, witnessing the bonding moment between her subordinate and the victim was a lil mind blowing. Reason being for that was she hadnt seen such a tender moment with Amanda before. She knew she had been close to the other student who unfortunately couldnt handle what happened and took her own life by jumping from the rooftop of the college she attended. Rattled Amanda alot because she knew the girl was as she stated "pink clouding and I knew it" . As Amanda sat on the bed still reeling from opening up like that, the victim turned to Liv and hugged her. Liv telling her that she'd be there no matter what, that she would make it through and that they would do everything in their power to get her justice.

They left the girl's apartment with promise to update them on any new developments and how the case was going. Liv was curious to Amanda's admission, she didnt want to ask but at the same time she wanted to know. She was wondering if she should attempt to get Rollins to open up to her somehow, either by grabbing a bite to eat and just chatting or trying to get her to talk in the office. Though the latter had to go better than the time she had tried to talk to Amanda about Charles Patton. When that all happened Liv tried to be there for Amanda but her ways about it werent the right way to approach a woman who had just had her whole assault brought up to help another case. So Liv being who she was called Amanda into her office for a private moment to talk to her without everyone hearing their business. Looking back on it now, she had Amanda right there ready to talk but she had to pull out that damn card for her shrink to get a referral. That played over and over in her mind. Sometimes going away and sometimes just staying there. That couldnt happen this time. If it did she may never get Amanda's trust at all and may even lose the friendship that was finally starting to happen between the two of them. For the longest time it was pretty much angst between the two of them, with both of them just being nice at the precinct and having nothing to do with the other outside of work.

As they got back to the precinct after riding back in complete silence. She could see Amanda hurting and she wanted to help, just praying to god it didnt bite her in the ass. They walked back into the precinct with Amanda going straight to her desk and Liv going to her office. She waited a few to call Rollins in as she wanted her to get settled and fill the boys in on what they found out, well not her 'secret' but the news on the victim and ways they may approach a trial without damaging the victim anymore than she already was. She jotted a few notes into her laptop and decided that it was "now or never" to see if she could have a talk with Amanda. Walking to her door, she said easily "Amanda can I see you in my office please?" Amanda glanced over at Fin and Carisi, Fin shrugged as did Carisi. They didnt hear any hostility in the lieutenants voice so they figured all was okay between the two ladies of the department. After saving and closing the documents she was working on she headed to her lieutenants office. Couldnt help being nervous but at the same time she didnt recall really doing anything that would call for a private reprimand but with Liv anything was possible and her guard was up. Though for a bit it had been down, for some reason it went back up. She wiped her sweaty palms on her dress pants and adjusted her blazer before knocking on the door. Upon the knocking Liv opened the door and welcomed Amanda in. Before Liv could even speak Amanda spoke, "Look Liv, I know I should have waited for you to talk to her, but I felt I had a connection with her. I wanted to show her that she wasnt alone. I didnt want to overstep boundaries." Amanda said with an almost defeated tone.

Liv told Amanda to sit and that she wasn't in any kind of trouble, that she herself just wanted to check in and make sure she was doing okay as that was a hard moment. "Amanda I myself am having a hard time grasping what happened to her and how she almost went about dealing with it. You though, as hard as it was to open up you got her to listen to you. She finally saw that she wasnt the only one. You wanna know what else she saw that was extremely important?" Amanda looked up at her, instead of looking down at her fingers and avoiding eye contact, she was good for that. She knew if you looked closely in her eyes no matter how hard she tried to fight it, you could see her vulnerability. Taking a deep breath Amanda closed her eyes and spoke, "What was so important Liv?" Liv sat on her desk in front of Amanda, she saw her fiddling with her fingers so she gently covered them with her own. "Amanda what was so important is that you, YOU Amanda Rollins had the gut instincts and knew she was 'pink clouding', Amanda by voicing that and having us go over there, you saved that girls life. You saved her life in the way of your gut instinct and by sharing your story. Which if you dont mind my asking, what is the whole story behind this?" She took Amanda's arm gently pushing back the sleeve to reveal the white tattoo that she had never seen before.

Amanda touched Liv's hand, noone had ever cared enough to ask. Well noone really knew she had it anyway. Fin saw it once, but she had shot him a look and he had dropped the subject fast. "Liv it was a long time ago. Kinda made me who I am today." Liv nodded "I get that Amanda, but what made you get that. I heard a little bit of it, as I was in the room, but at the same time wanted to give you the privacy of talking to Amanda one on one." Amanda chewed her lip, trying to compell the tears not to fall, but in reality she knew that was a lost cause. "Ill tell you Liv, but you cant tell anyone. Noone can know." Liv agreed. "Of course Amanda, we've come so far and I want us to be better friends. I wouldnt risk your trust by telling anyone what youve told me in confidence.

Amanda braced herself, brushing away the tear that went against her fight and rolled down her cheek. "It was a one time deal, stupid fucking mistake on my part. During school I got drunk at a party. At first it was just kissing and making out, you know the whole '7 minutes in heaven' deal. But as my head was pounding I got sleepy. Well instead of leaving me alone like a friend should, no... he did the opposite. Liv I was passed out. He had his way with me. No I wasnt a virgin at the time. I had been with others. Not alot, but a few. Well afterwards he thought it would be funny to take pictures of me practically undressed, just like Amanda was. Then he told his friends to come on in and 'dirty sanchez' me. Meaning take a damn black sharpie and write all over me. Oh the names. I was called everything in the book, slut, whore, tramp, the girl who got around. You name it I was it. And where Loganville wasnt a big ass town, word travelled fast." Tears coming down both her eyes. Now betraying the hell out of her. She wasnt supposed to be weak. She was a goddamn police officer, a detective for christsakes. "So yes I know all about slut shaming." Sarcasm starting to come out as a defense mechanism. "So when I was old enough I got the white tattoo to remind myself that "It didnt define me. Only I can define me."

Keeping her hands on Amanda for reassurance, Olivia could certainly see the pain in her subordinates eyes. She didnt want to hurt her by having her rehash it. She just wanted her to know she could talk and that she would understand. "Amanda it took alot of courage for you to open up. I am glad you trusted me to tell me."

Amanda shook her head. "Thanks for caring enough to ask. Just dont let it bite me in the ass that I trusted you with that detail. It's extremely personal and I dont want it getting out."

Olivia smiled, nodding her head, patting Amanda's hand. "Never. Your secret is safe with me."