Hi! I don't really know how to explain this one...There are a few really good "Charlie gets auctioned off" fics and I think I read one too many of them. An old plot bunny reemerged and demanded I rework it for NUMB3RS as a result. Hopefully the little fuzzball is now satisfied and will hop away and leave me alone. Doubtful, but maybe.

Thanks so much to Hello Anyone There, who betaread and offered some great suggestions. Thanks for catching what I missed! Any mistakes I lay claim to for adding my own twist to some of those recommendations.

Disclaimer: Not my characters! I am not making any money from this. You know that, right? I just adore them and wanted to show that here. I sincerely don't intend this as an insult to them or their creators.

"How on earth did Millie ever talk me into this?" Charlie Eppes grumbled as he raised a shaking hand in a futile attempt to loosen a too-tight formal collar.

Somehow Dr. Mildred Finch had gotten it into her head that a charity auction would be a good way to raise money for the university's scholarship funds, and the items she had chosen to be auctioned off could only be described as "human commodities." All of the eligible male staff at CalSci had been approached to take part in this "Bachelor Auction." Participation was purely voluntary…or at least that's what those individuals who did not know Dr. Finch were led to believe, which was why a good many of the men in the science and math department now stood nervously off-stage, dressed to impress while an animated Millie played auctioneer.

Standing beside the math professor, Dr. Larry Fleinhardt uneasily tugged at his own restrictive collar, painfully uncomfortable with both the formal clothing and the circumstances that forced him to wear it. "Charles?" he said plaintively, choosing to suffer in fairly audible silence.

"What's wrong, Larry?" Charlie absently answered his mentor and best friend, a little too preoccupied with his own situation to pay much attention to a fellow sailor adrift in the same boat.

"I, uh, I mean, do you think it would be…that is, do you suppose Megan would have thought it too presumptuous of me if I had asked her whether she required additional funds to purchase my attentions for this evening?"

"Larry," Charlie said, trying in vain to hide his amusement at his friend's plight and momentarily distracted from his own, "are you saying you don't think Megan can afford you?"

"No, of course not!" Larry's face flamed and he ducked his head to try and hide his discomfort. "Laying aside the fact that this evening is for charity, I still would not be so narcissistic as to believe there will be that many members of the fair sex attempting to win my companionship for the evening…" A look of sudden fear flashed across the astrophysicist's face. "Charles, you don't suppose Megan's bid will be the only one I receive, do you?"

Charlie smirked. "Larry, Megan Reeves is an FBI agent who can stare down career criminals and she owns a gun. Do you think there will be many ladies brave enough to try and outbid her?"

Larry moaned, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck awkwardly. "Why, oh why did I ever allow myself to become involved in this Sadie Hawkins-esque ignominy?"

Charlie himself was somewhat concerned at the amount of attention he might receive at the event. Like Larry, he had a woman in his life whom he desperately hoped would win him for the evening, which would consist of dinner at one of the nicer restaurants in LA, the price included in the amount of the winning bid. He hoped the competition Amita would face for a romantic evening with Dr. Charles Eppes would not be too stiff.

Mentally, Charlie tried to calculate what he might be worth to any young lady anxious to win him. (He hoped young; he was really worried about attracting the attention of women old enough to be his grandmother.) He was certainly well known in the academic circles, and he understood that there were many women who found his intelligence sexy, who were attracted to a brilliant mind. Of course, and he couldn't delude himself otherwise, there were more women who found the outer package even more desirable, drawn to his dark, curly hair and youthful good looks. He may have been oblivious to such attention at times, but he was forced to acknowledge that he did have something of a female following in his classes. And he could not forget the "secret admirer" of a few years back…Factoring in all of the available data, the emerging pattern made him more nervous for Amita; she could be facing some heavy competition.

Amita Ramanujan gratefully sat down in the seat that Alan Eppes had graciously saved for her. She was not sure why her boyfriend's father had come to watch him get auctioned off, since she could not imagine it would be comfortable for the older man to witness a group of women eyeing his son with a desire to bid on him. When she asked him why he came, he answered with a smile, "Just wanted to be here for damage control, to see whether I need to call Donny's team out to protect poor Charlie from overly amorous ladies…"

Amita laughed at (and grew just a bit jealous of) the mental image Alan had just evoked. "I just hope CalSci beefed up security," she agreed. "I don't think we want to have "Math professor torn apart in bidding tug-of-war" ending up in tomorrow's headlines."

"What, you don't think one FBI agent will be enough?" Megan Reeves said playfully, joining in the conversation. She had just taken her seat on Alan's other side. "Don already made me promise I'd play bodyguard for Charlie if he ended up attacked by a horde of crazed ladies. But I can always call in David or Colby if you think we need back up. Or," she added with a wicked grin, "I could let you borrow my gun if you feel the need to rescue your man."

Amita smiled but declined Megan's proposal. "We're not exactly talking about an LA street gang in a turf war here. It's just a group of women competing for a date with eligible men like Charlie…"

Eligible. Amita and Mildred had already had a discussion on the subject of how eligible a bachelor Charlie was. Millie had shot down all of Amita's arguments, citing three points: one, there was neither a ring on Amita's hand or in Charlie's pocket to stake her claim on him; two, if Charlie had not wanted to participate, he could have simply refused (oh, really? Amita had thought) and three, if Amita wanted Charlie exclusively to herself she would just have to dig into her pocketbook and contribute to the cause.

Millie had concluded her own argument with, "Did you really think I'd pass on the opportunity to include the 'Sean Connery of the math department'?" The department head had then walked away, confident that she had won the exchange, leaving Amita confused and frustrated with the whole situation.

Thinking back over the conversation, Amita's smile faded into a sickly version of what it had been at the thought of her Charlie with a beautiful, alluring woman on his arm—James Bond style—and in that moment decided to quit watching James Bond films.

Amita, Alan and Megan barely paid attention as the auction began and the numerous other individuals Millie had talked into participating came and went on the stage, Millie quickly talking them up and selling them off to their dates for the evening. After a while, the main event—as far as they were concerned—began when a flustered Dr. Fleinhardt stood in front of the female audience, looking as though he wished the floorboards would suddenly transform into quicksand and swallow him up while Millie introduced him.

"Who wants to place an opening bid for an evening out with a true superstar in our physics department, Professor Larry Fleinhardt?" she boomed over the microphone.

Megan's hand instantly shot up for the opening bid, and Larry smiled at the encouraging little wave she sent his way. He focused only on her as the bidding got underway.

"Sold! To Megan Reeves in the eleventh row!"

Millie repeated the amount of the winning bid but Larry barely heard. He was too busy trying to keep his legs from making the transition from solid to liquid matter. The competition had been a bit healthier than he had imagined and he was stunned by Megan's extravagance. He had sorely underestimated her resolve…and her competitive streak. As the amounts grew and other ladies backed off, he had expected at a certain point to see her do the same, but instead she had come back more determined to win than before. She hadn't needed her gun; the amounts she bid scared off the other women. To be honest, Larry himself felt a little intimidated, and even a bit embarrassed, by the level of commitment she had shown. Could that level of commitment even have been tinged by jealousy? He wasn't sure he even wanted to consider it at the moment. His part now completed, he gratefully walked off-stage, with the intent of finding a quiet place to collapse while his former protégé stepped out into the spotlight.

Millie paused for effect before introducing Charlie Eppes.

Amita and Alan both applauded as Charlie walked out on the stage. The young man looked more nervous than either could ever recall him being when standing in front of an audience, and here he didn't even have to speak. Then again, when he was speaking, even if everyone was listening intently to what he was saying it was the math that really took the center stage as far as he was concerned. Without his numbers as his support, Charlie was adrift and uncertain of himself in front of this group of strangers…and people he knew under far different circumstances. Amita wanted to do something to show him that his friends were with him, but then Millie called for the opening bid and she hastily raised her hand. Several other women moved to counter her offer and the bidding war began.

Amita began to grow worried, as the bidding got more intense and nobody seemed to be backing down. She hadn't expected the single-minded focus that several of the women would show in their pursuit of a chance for time with Charlie. The amount bid was dangerously nearing the limit that she had set for herself, before she had known how popular Charlie would be. Then one woman brazenly exceeded that boundary sum and Amita slumped down in her seat in her disappointment. Millie began to call for final bids but the young professor barely paid attention until Alan nudged her shoulder.

"Go on, raise your hand. Are you saying my son Charlie isn't worth fighting for?"

Dazedly, the young woman followed his order, raising her hand and increasing the amount bid. Turning to Alan she murmured, "But…the total's already gone beyond what I was prepared to pay…"

The man leaned in closer and whispered conspiratorially in her ear, "I had a little bit set aside that I brought for just such an emergency. I'll let you know when you exceed my limit."

Millie almost could have ended the auction right then and there. After Amita's impressive bid, there was a lackluster attempt to outdo her offer, but with Alan's contribution she easily beat out the other women. Eventually, even the determined lady who earlier had very nearly outbid her bowed out and the words "Sold! To Amita Ramanujan!" had the most heavenly sound Amita could possibly imagine. The elated grin on Charlie's face when his girlfriend won was the perfect image to accompany them.

Alan leaned over the arm of the chair to give her a hug. "Congratulations, Amita. I'm sure you and Charlie will have a wonderful time."

She returned the gesture, still stunned that he had done so much to help her. "Mr. Eppes, thank you so much, but you didn't have to…I promise I'll find a way to repay you…"

Alan waved it off. "It's for a good cause," he answered, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. Charlie and Amita complemented each other so well, and Alan Eppes couldn't help but imagine this young woman someday standing dressed in white at his younger boy's side. He had no regrets in giving them a subtle nudge in the right direction every now and then.

Smiling warmly at the woman his son loved, he added, "Let's just say I'm investing in the futures of some special young people."

Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think. I highly value your opinions.