Today I let a little thought sneak into my mind. "I'm not good enough for him." That was the thought. I played through an insignificant argument, about baked potatoes, and wondered what would have happened had I said the words that I wanted to. I always let him cool down and give him a chance to realize what he has said. In reality, its just me walking away from a conflict. What good would it do to fight and have the same attitude as him? That wouldn't have gotten us anywhere. Is that what he wants?
The thought I mention earlier was not the birth of this one argument, but rather a collected argument of why do I hold back. I'm afraid of losing him. This was my conclusion. I was afraid that if I said what my emotions wanted me to say that, one of us or both of us wouldn't be able to take what the other said. Resulting in a breakup. We say that we are forever, as every couple ever does. I believe that we are, but if we are forever then why prolong the inevitability of marriage? Why not elope? He always asks me why I bring it up. I shrug it off and say a simple version of the truth. "We're going to get married anyway, why not soon", or something along those lines.
In reality, I want to marry him because I want him to be legally mine. That sounds way too possessive though, hence the simpler not so crazy version. Also, I KNOW I'm not suppose to feel this way, but if I see him talking to a girl that isn't well into her 60's, I get a little jealous. I'm such a horrible person and I do trust him… but it's so hard to not let my mind wander.
I recently had a dream that he left me. In the dream he told me that he left me because I had changed too much. I just want to be the best me I can be for him. The dream was so real that I woke up crying. I know I'm looking into this a bit too much, but the thought of me not being good enough for him upsets me.
On a different note…
Is it weird to want to have more sex than your significant other. He loves my body, his member tells me that, but we have a 4 year age difference, I'm not that much younger than him. Sometimes I don't even want to have sex but I think that he does, so I get in the mood. After I get into the mood I get shot down because he isn't. Any suggestions. -will tell results of suggestions if made.